


Closer to the Heart

by me_llamo_nic



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Jossverse
Genre: F/F, Mental Breakdown, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-08
Updated: 2010-10-08
Packaged: 2017-10-12 12:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 86,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/me_llamo_nic/pseuds/me_llamo_nic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Sequel to 'Close to the Chest'.) How Season 7 might have gone if Buffy and Willow were romantically involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 1** : Prologue  
 **Rating** : PG?  
 **Warnings** : Femslash.  
 **Summary** : A very important Scooby meeting.  
 **A/N** : This is a sequel to my fic “Close to the Chest.” You should probably read that fic first, though it’s not strictly necessary if you can just accept that Buffy and Willow got together. This fic is going to rewrite S7 from ‘Conversations with Dead People’ all the way to ‘Chosen.’ This first chapter is basically a prologue to set the stage. I’m going to do one episode for each of the remaining chapters. I’ll hit scenes that impact or are impacted by the Buffy/Willow relationship, as established in “Close to the Chest.” I’ll also insert entirely new scenes. If there’s a scene in the episodes that I don’t include in the fic, assume that scene is unchanged, but that it still happened. (If it’s important to the plot of the fic, I’ll either include it or recap it.) I’m doing an S7 re-watch and working with transcripts as I go along. I’m hoping it goes well.

 **A/N2** : I picked the title for several reasons. It seemed like the next logical sequential step after “Close to the Chest.” This fic sort of digs into the emotional stuff in later chapters. But, mostly, it’s because I got that Rush song stuck in my head every time I would type “Close to the Chest” when I was writing the prequel.

 **A/N3** : I started this with the intention of seeing how Buffy/Willow affected the canon and that is still partially true, but I’d say the larger part of the fic examines how the canon affects Buffy/Willow.

 **A/N4** : Enjoy!

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                The early morning sun made Revello Drive look almost peaceful. Any vampires in the area had already turned in for the morning and the people of Sunnydale were just getting started on a brand new day. At first glance, everything was right with the world. Of course, how often could Buffy Summers think that before something went wrong?

                “Damn it,” muttered the blonde, dropping her keys on the welcome mat. She had two armfuls of groceries and trying to operate keys was proving to be difficult. For a moment, she considered simply kicking the door down, but then a voice called out from behind her.

                “Need some help, little lady?”

                “Hey Xander,” Buffy replied without turning, having recognized his voice. “How much would you charge to fix it if I kicked the door down?”

                “How ‘bout I just pick up your keys,” Xander offered helpfully, stooping to the ground as he spoke.

                “I’m guessing you got Dawn to school alright,” said Buffy, walking through the door as Xander held it open for her.

                “Yeah.” Xander followed the Slayer in and shut the door behind them. “I hope I never have to take Janice again, though. That girl is seriously annoying.”

                “Annoying how?” asked Buffy, making her way into the kitchen.

                “Think Cordelia on speed.”

                “Didn’t you date Cordy for like a year?” questioned the Slayer as she set the grocery bags down and opened the fridge.

                “Okay, you will _not_ make me go to inappropriate visual places with teenage girls,” Xander countered, pointing an accusing finger at the Slayer as he spoke.

                “You’re the one who was checking out Dawn at the Bronze last week,” Buffy said simply as she began putting away the fresh groceries.

                “Gah!” Xander shook his head like a wet dog. Buffy chuckled at his response, then looked down to see she was holding a milk carton and laughed twice as hard. Xander watched her curiously. “Something funny on the milk carton?”

                “You had to be there,” said Buffy as she shelved the milk.

                “Speaking of Dawn,” Xander continued quietly, “she, uh – gave me ten bucks this morning.”

                “Oh.” Buffy stopped and turned to face her friend. “So you know?”

                “Ten bucks, remember? I knew it before you guys did.”

                “And?” Buffy prompted.

                “And good for you,” Xander said with a shrug.

                “That’s it?” Buffy turned again to the grocery bags.

                “Were you lookin’ for more? Maybe a Snoopy-dance of joy or something.”

                “I don’t know,” Buffy answered uncomfortably. “It just feels like such a big thing for me.”

                “I’m sure it is,” Xander agreed. “You know, maybe I’d grasp the magnitude of it better if I had pictures.”

                “You will not be looking at pictures of us while you ‘grasp your magnitude,’” Buffy retorted.

                “Oh come on, Buff, don’t turn it into a sick joke like that,” said Xander with a smile.

                “We should probably tell Willow that you know,” Buffy explained as she shut the fridge. “WILL!”

                A pair of hurried feet thundered down the stairs.

                “Did you get the syrup?” Willow asked excitedly. “I think – oh,” her face fell as she noticed the third person in the room, “Xander’s here.” She trailed off with a slight blush.

                “There’s _syrup_?” Xander asked with raised eyebrows.

                “Not like that,” Buffy dismissed immediately, straight-faced and serious. She pulled a bottle of syrup from one of the remaining bags as she opened the cabinets. “My woman wants pancakes? She gets pancakes. Because I’m the provider! And, definitely, the manly one.”

                “Pfft!” Willow rolled her eyes dramatically before fixing them on Xander. “So you know?”

                “Dawn gave him the ten bucks,” Buffy called over her shoulder.

                “Oh yeah, you saw it coming,” Willow realized. “Wanna talk about it?”

                “Yes,” Xander decided. “Please, let’s talk. With no shortage of details and possibly some helpful sketches.”

                “So you’re okay with it,” Willow surmised.

                “Is there some reason why I wouldn’t be? My best friends are happy and I have exciting new syrup-y fantasies to keep me company. Where’s the bad?”

                “No bad,” said Willow with a shrug, crossing to the fridge. “Just a little nervous, I guess.”

                “Will, you’ve been out of the closet for like three years now,” Xander pointed out. “Given that none of us has wigged out about it yet, I don’t really think we’re gonna start now.”

                “I know that,” said the witch, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. “It’s just – I mean, it _is_ Buffy.”

                “Oh, like you’re the first one who’s ever wanted her?”

                “Standing right here,” Buffy reminded them. She closed the cabinets, having finally finished putting everything away. “I, for one, am very glad that you’re okay with it. The whole coming out thing does make me feel kind of nervous.”

                “You don’t need to be,” Xander assured her calmly. “Dawn’s okay with it. I’m okay with it. I don’t think Anya will really care one way or another. Doesn’t really leave anyone else except Spike.” Xander froze. “Or we could just stake him.”

                “We’re not staking Spike,” Buffy said, smiling indulgently. “And we probably won’t even have to tell him.”

                “What’s that mean?” Xander asked.

                “He – well, I mean – he’ll probably be able to smell it,” said Buffy quickly. Willow coughed into her juice. “And it’s not like Spike and I are a couple. We haven’t even – done anything couple-y – at least, not since that time when Riley caught us.”

                “Riley caught you?” Willow exclaimed. “ _Riley_ knew before we did?”

                “Not really the direction I wanted this conversation to go,” Buffy mumbled.

                “So you haven’t coupled with Spike,” Xander interrupted before the conversation could derail. “That’s good. But is that really the end of the story? I mean, he had his soul put in – and it drove him insane. You don’t think he did that so he could get in your good graces?”

                “I’m sure he did.” Buffy locked her eyes on Xander, carefully not looking at Willow. “But I think – because of the soul – I think he understands that I can’t return his feelings.”

                “I think it would be better for everyone involved if you told him that plainly,” Xander advised. “Face to face. Honestly.”

                “It’s probably better not to just assume he understands,” Willow agreed. “A-and – I think you kind of owe it to him.”

                “I’m still voting for stake him,” Xander voiced. “No muss; no fuss – just a little bit of dust!”

                “I’m not gonna stake him.” Buffy leaned against the kitchen counter, a ponderous expression on her face. “He wants to fight evil, and we need fighters for whatever this ‘beneath you’ thing is.”

                “I’m actually on board with letting him fight evil,” said Xander. “I just don’t understand why it has to be here.”

                The Slayer shifted uncomfortably.

                “I think someone should keep an eye on him,” she explained. “Make sure he sticks with it. Make sure he’s not losing his mind.”

                “Well, what if we shipped him to L.A.?” Xander suggested. “We could let Angel look after him. He’s been on the soul train long enough to know how it works.”

                “Angel,” Buffy scoffed. “I’m sure he’d welcome Spike like a brother. Right after he starts working for that evil law firm he’s always fighting.”

                “Oh come on, Buff. They used to pal around back in the day; I’m sure it’d be like a family reunion.”

                “They’d bring each other down,” Buffy asserted. “It’d probably turn into some stupid pissing contest over which one of them loves me more. And if one of them didn’t kill the other, they’d probably come right back here and bring a whole world of drama with them.”

                “So it’s not a permanent solution,” Xander conceded. “Can we at least get him out of my apartment?”

                “Xander, he’s not well.”

                “And you’re the one who cares, Buff. I get that you wanna give him a chance, but why do I have to be the one who babysits him?”

                “Is he in your way?” Buffy challenged. “I’m sorry that you don’t understand this-”

                “I’m fairly certain I just said I do understand,” Xander contested. “You feel guilty that he’s tortured himself over you.”

                “It’s – I…” Buffy trailed off in confusion.

                “Buffy,” Willow said softly, “look at me.”

                Buffy kept her gaze focused on Xander.

                “You know what,” announced the carpenter, “I should probably go to work. You can never be too early nowadays.” He started toward the door in a desperate move to escape the suddenly awkward situation.

“Xander, I’m sorry,” said Buffy quickly.

                “Don’t worry about it,” he assured the Slayer. “You guys talk it out, okay? Call me if you need anything.”

                They waited for the sound of Xander shutting the door.

                “Buffy,” Willow said gently, “please look at me.”

                “I’m afraid,” Buffy replied quietly, only marginally comforted by Xander’s absence.

                “You don’t need to be.” Willow moved to Buffy’s side and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’m not angry. What are you afraid you’ll see?”

                “I don’t know. That’s why I’m afraid.”

                “I love you, Buffy,” Willow affirmed gently. At this, the Slayer turned, eyes full of the fear she had mentioned. “It’s just me and you Buffy,” Willow said reassuringly. “You can talk to me, remember?”

                “I know – I just – it’s hard.”

                “Come on,” the witch encouraged, “maybe it’ll be easier if we get all snuggled up on the couch while we talk,” she offered with a half-grin. She began steering the blonde toward the living room, hands on both shoulders. “I know it’s hard for you to open up,” she continued levelly, “but I want to help you with that.”

                “And I want you to,” Buffy responded readily. “It’s still hard though.”

                “It’s more than just guilt, right?” Willow said knowingly.

                “I…” Buffy looked again into Willow’s eyes as they sat on the couch. “Yes,” she admitted meekly, sounding close to tears. “But – but I don’t love him. You know that, right? I love you.”

                “I know, Buffy,” Willow said calmly. “It’s okay.” The Slayer laid her head on Willow’s shoulder and Willow began stroking her hair. “You care about him,” the witch supplied. “But you also used to have sex with him. And even the sex was kind of an emotional gray area. I’m sure that’s very confusing for you.”

                “I don’t know what I feel,” Buffy confessed.

                “And it scares you,” Willow acknowledged. “Just remember that you don’t have to be afraid of talking about it. Not with me, Buffy. Remember last night? Nothing can make me stop loving you, okay?”

                “I know.” Buffy sighed, snuggling up closer to the redhead. “Sex makes things really confusing.”

                “That’s because it’s supposed to be about intimacy,” Willow explained. “So few people get it right though.”

                “I wanna get it right with you,” Buffy said warmly.

                “We will. I think we’re already off to a really good start.” There was a short pause. “Are you really nervous about the coming out thing?”

                “A little,” said Buffy. “Not so much about the coming out part, more about the telling boys I used to sleep with thing. I don’t think Spike or Angel will take it well.”

                “Angel probably wouldn’t say anything to your face though,” said Willow hopefully. “Spike would get over it with time.”

                “I think you’re right. It’s just – I don’t want him to go away.”

                “You care about him,” Willow repeated. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t care about people, Buffy. I really am okay with this, you know.”

                “Really? You’re not just being Support-O-Gal?”

                “A little bit,” Willow disclosed in the spirit of honesty. “I mean, there is a part of my brain that worries, but you _are_ talking to me. So I can just tell that part of my brain to shut up.”

                “I don’t want you to worry. I don’t know what I feel for Spike, but I _do_ know what it’s not. I don’t love him.”

                “If you ever need to talk about it, you can talk to me. I promise, it’s good to talk about what you’re feeling – even the stuff that you’re afraid to say.”

                “So you’re my psychiatrist now?” Buffy questioned.

                “No, just your girlfriend,” said Willow with a smile.

                “Mmm, I like the way that sounds,” the Slayer purred. “And I’m your girlfriend too.”

                They leaned in and kissed each other affectionately.

                “You probably should’ve made some noise when you came in,” Willow pointed out.

                “Huh?” Buffy sat up, looking at her girlfriend in confusion.

                “What if I’d been indecent when I came downstairs?”

                “Why aren’t you indecent?” asked Buffy, taking proper notice of this for the first time.

                “I was thinking maybe you’d wanna rip all my clothes off in a fit of passion,” Willow suggested brightly.

                “How long until your class?”

                “Three hours,” the witch replied promptly.

                Buffy glanced once toward the kitchen and then back again.

                “Let’s go to work,” said the Slayer with an enormous grin.

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 **Next Chapter** : Conversations with Dead People


	2. Conversations With Dead People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Willow face their issues: separately.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 2** : Conversations With Dead People  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy and Willow face their issues: separately.

 **A/N** : This chapter came out looking a lot like clips from the episode just with my thought shots added. I swear, future chapters will have bigger alterations and entirely new scenes. It’s just so hard to mess with CWDP. And the scenes I’ve included really do make a nice baseline for the fic. My goal in including scenes from the episodes is to spare you readerly types from having to rewatch the whole thing just to understand where the fic is at. Anyone who can remember the majority of an episode’s details just on hearing the title can probably take the leisure of skimming a few things in this fic, but the parts that I included are there for a reason. I swear, this won’t just be quoted scenes from the canon with minor alterations. Lots of original scenes to come.

 **A/N2** : You may have noticed that I’m posting this fic somewhat slower than usual. That’s because I’m working to my beta’s schedule. On the one hand, longer to wait, but on the other hand, 82% less spleling errors!

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                “Here we go,” Buffy said dryly as a hand pushed through the freshly dug ground at her feet.

                This one was quick. He was out of the earth and trading blows readily. The challenge made it exciting. There was no doubt in Buffy’s mind that she would win the fight, but she was glad to have a decent tussle. It had been a slow night. She’d have a little fun with this one and then probably head home for the night.

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                “She says she still sings.”

                “What?” Willow had been disturbed enough by Cassie’s sudden appearance in the library, but surely she wasn’t talking about…

                “Remember that time on the bridge when you sang to each other?” Willow’s face paled in response. “Well, she says even though you can’t hear it, she still sings to you.”

                “Tara?” the witch questioned tearfully.

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                “I heard a lot of rumors about you back then,” said Holden Webster. Buffy was slightly wigged by fighting a vamp who knew her in high school. On top of that, she felt awkward that she couldn’t even remember him. She mentally chastised herself for letting her feelings enter into it at all; slaying was not the time for feelings. “You were all mysterious.”

                “I was?” the Slayer questioned.

                “Well, you were never around,” Webs explained. “A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy,” Buffy raised her eyebrows as Angel crossed her mind, “or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.”

                “What?” How was it that everyone noticed her noticing women when she tried to keep it under wraps? “I dated that ringworm.” There was a pause. “And I’m bi.”

                “Don’t take it too personally. He says that about every girl he breaks up with,” Webs assured her, glossing over the Slayer’s confession. “And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.”

                “Oh.” Buffy shook her head slightly as she thought. “Men,” she muttered. “Do I know how to pick ‘em.”

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                “Tara, is it you?” Willow was blindsided by the sudden upsurge of emotions.

                “She’s sorry she couldn’t come herself,” Cassie said softly.

                “Why didn’t she?” Willow questioned urgently. “I don’t understand… I mean, if you can manifest yourself-”

                “She just can’t,” Cassie interrupted.

                “Why not? I don’t understand,” she repeated.

                “Because of what you did.”

                “What?” Willow knew exactly what, but she didn’t know how else to respond.

                “You killed people,” said Cassie, confirming what Willow already knew. “You can’t see her. That’s just how it is. I’m sorry.”

                Tears spilled from Willow’s eyes. The things she had done in response to Tara’s murder were flashing through her mind. She had thought she was doing better lately, but everything was boiling under the surface now, threatening to spill over just like her tears. She wished she could see Tara, but at the same time she wondered if she’d have been able to handle it.

                “But – but she’s talking to you?” Willow asked. “And – and she can hear me?” More tears flowed at the thought. “Tara? Tara, I miss you. I’m – and – with the – but I still miss you so much.” She fell silent, waiting for Cassie to deliver Tara’s response. “Can she hear me? What’s happening?” Something was happening, surely. Willow needed to understand what was happening. “Did she say anything?” She had to have said something. Did Cassie not want to repeat it? “What?” Was Tara angry with her? Over the killing? Over Buffy? “Did she go away?”

                ‘ _Please don’t let her have gone away_ ,’ Willow thought desperately.

                “She’s crying,” Cassie said quietly.

                “No,” Willow pleaded, feeling unworthy of Tara’s tears. “No, don’t cry. Don’t cry, sweetie. Talk to me.”

                “She misses you too,” Cassie said consolingly. “She wishes she could touch you.”

                “Me too,” Willow lamented. “Oh, me, too. Oh, God, Tara, it hurts so much. It’s like this giant hole and I just keep going through every day hoping it will get better.”

                “It will,” Cassie offered. “It can.”

                “I know,” said Willow. “I know it takes time and it is – healing with time. And – you want me to be happy, right?” She craved the validation. Tara was talking to her and she needed to know that Tara still wanted her to be happy.

                “She does,” supplied Cassie. “That’s why she’s here. She wants to help you be happy. And strong. Like an Amazon, remember?”

                “I do,” Willow replied with a bittersweet, reflective smile. “I remember.”

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                “So, you meet someone, you form a bond…” Webs prompted.

                “But it never lasts,” Buffy said sadly, leaning back and resting her head against a stone sarcophagus. She feared that the same thing would happen with Willow, but she wouldn’t voice it aloud. She and Willow talked to each other. There was a connection on a deeper level. They were best friends before they became lovers. Willow knew her on a more emotionally intimate level. Surely it would last with Willow.

                “Do you mean all relationships, or just yours?” asked the vampire.

                “I don’t know,” Buffy admitted. “My parents weren’t exactly the paragon of stay-togethery-ness. Maybe that’s part of it. I think there’re people out there who’d make it.” She reflected quietly, questioning herself as to whether she truly believed this or if she was just saying it to sound remotely sane. “I’m seeing someone now. I think we’re connected on a deeper level. I hope we are. I just worry. I worry that I just…target the impossible ones…with deadly accuracy.” Buffy frowned, troubling herself with this level of assessment.

                “You think you do that on purpose?” Webs inquired. “Maybe you’re trying to protect yourself?”

                “Protecting myself?” Buffy pondered. “From heartbreak, misery, sexual violence, and possible death? Not so much.”

                “From committing,” the vampire clarified.

                “I commit.” Buffy sat up straight, tone and body language reflecting indignation. “I’m committed. I’m a committee.”

                “So it’s them? You’re reaching out, they’re just not coming through?”

                The Slayer shifted uncomfortably. She thought back to Riley and his accusations that she didn’t need him. Spike had questioned why she didn’t ‘feel it.’ Willow had had to push and shove to get Buffy to open her eyes to the truth of her feelings. The Slayer had certainly been protecting herself then. Even when Buffy and Dawn were discussing Willow, Dawn had said that Buffy never made the first move. Was it possible that she didn’t reach out?

                “It’s different,” Buffy said slowly. “I think you’re confusing me because you’re evil.” Was that the whole of it though? There was more than enough confusion to go around.

                “I just think you’re in pain here – which I do kind of enjoy ‘cause I’m evil now – but you should ease up on yourself.” It was disconcerting to hear that level of sincerity coming from a vampire. Buffy missed the clarity; Spike had introduced a variety of gray areas into her comfortable black and white world. “It’s not exactly like you have the patent on bad relationships.”

                “Wouldn’t it be cool if I did?” Buffy smiled, more comfortable in a light-hearted situation.

                “And what, are you supposed to be settling down already?” the vamp challenged. “At twenty-one?”

                “I kinda like the idea,” Buffy admitted. “Being able to settle down sounds nice.”

                “And I’m not saying that you can’t,” Webs informed her. “Just don’t beat yourself up about it if it doesn’t happen. You know, my girlfriend at college, she’s so sweet.” Buffy fought the urge to roll her eyes, wondering why everyone, even the undead, tried to solve problems by comparing the situation to their own. “We have this great thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go vampify her just so we can be together forever.”

                “Sire,” Buffy corrected automatically.

                “What?” Webs didn’t seem to have understood.

                “The word – when you turn a human into a vampire – it’s you ‘sire’ them,” explained the Slayer.

                “Cool,” said Webs shortly.

                “It’s a noun too,” Buffy added.

                “Oh, I have so much to learn.” He stood and leaned against the headstone on which he had been sitting. “Come on, isn’t this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we’re, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we became nemeses?”

                “Is that how you say the word?” Buffy questioned, mind flashing with images of Warren, Jonathan, and what’s-his-name.

                “We’re gonna have to fight to the death, aren’t we?” Webs verified.

                “It’s the time-honored custom,” Buffy answered dryly.

                “Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn’t it,” he reflected. “But, you know, I’ve got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I’m looking for a fight. And, oh, it’s nothing personal,” he assured the Slayer as she got to her feet.

                “Oh, no, I mean, you’ve been great.” Buffy felt awkward. Talking with a vamp before the kill, beyond the usual quips and puns, was strange territory.

                “And fun catching up,” Webs agreed. “I haven’t really kept in contact with many of my friends from high school.” He paused in thought. “Guess I’ll be looking them up pretty soon,” he laughed.

                “Yeah,” Buffy sighed. She watched the ground, mind still clouded with the thoughts the conversation had stirred.

                “Hey, I don’t mean to be Count Buttinsky here,” said the vamp, “but you just don’t seem as thrilled. Is it because we’re gonna fight?” he questioned doubtfully.

                “’S’cause I’m gonna win,” Buffy admitted glumly.

                “Hello.” Webs let out a peal of laughter. “Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody’s counting their chickens.”

                “You’re not leaving this graveyard,” Buffy stated with a shrug. “Can’t let ya.”

                “Do the words superiority complex mean anything to you?” the vamp countered.

                “You think I’m gonna let you go kill a bunch of people?” Buffy protested in irritation. “You know I’m sworn to-”

                “No, no,” Webs denied flatly. “I get the battle against evil. That’s not the issue-”

                “There is no issue,” Buffy retorted. “Don’t issue me.”

                “Just answer me this,” Webs requested, “whose fault was your parents divorce?”

                “Okay,” Buffy rolled her eyes impatiently, “you know, this is beyond evil. This is insane troll logic.” She tensed as the vampire passed by her shoulder, slowly turning her head to follow his movements. “What do my parents have to do with-”

                “I’m just curious,” the vamp defended as he had a seat on the sarcophagus Buffy had previously occupied. “Your opinion.”

                Buffy sighed and joined the vampire on the cold stone. She didn’t feel overly concerned with the threat of being bitten. He was still in a talkative mood. And she could take him.

                “They both have a lot of-”

                “Off the top of your head,” Webs interrupted.

                “My dad.” Buffy hung her head.

                “Uh-huh,” said Webs, indicating that the Slayer should continue.

                “He cheated,” Buffy said quietly. “Um, I think he cheated,” she clarified.

                “So, of all those relationships of yours – that you knew subconsciously were totally doomed – whose fault is that?”

                “It’s incredibly different,” Buffy answered at once. Her mind was tallying her past relationships. There was no way Angel was her fault; that one went down to the gypsies. Scott Hope had said she seemed distracted; she tried not to focus on that. Parker couldn’t be her fault; he was just a slimy weasel. Riley, whatever he might have said to the contrary at the time, had made his own choices. If she was honest with herself, she could see some potential for shared faults in that one. The non-relationship thing with Spike was also a two-way street. She was drawn from her thoughts as Webs stood again.

                “I was just wondering,” he prefaced, “is it possible, even a little bit, that the reason you have trouble connecting to guys is because you think maybe they’re not worth it? Maybe you think you’re better than them,” he suggested.

                “Say, there’s that bloodlust I was looking for.” Buffy glared. She wasn’t entirely certain if she was annoyed because he was wrong or because he was right.

                ‘ _Why am I even having this conversation with a vampire_?’ she thought to herself. ‘ _This is the kind of conversation I should be having with Willow. I think I will have this conversation with Willow. I wonder if she’s back from the library yet. I guess practicing it can’t hurt anything,’_ she reasoned. _‘And I’m gonna kill this guy anyway, so it’s not like he can blab my secrets_.’

                “Struck a nerve,” Webs noted, riling the Slayer once more.

                “I’m gonna strike a nerve cluster in a minute, you don’t get off this,” Buffy threatened. “I don’t remember you being this annoying.”

                “You don’t remember me at all,” Webs argued.

                “Yes, I do,” Buffy said defensively.

                “Yeah, like, after thirty minutes of reminding,” the vamp taunted. “And I don’t take it personally because clearly you were in your own little world in high school. All chosen. All destiny. Who could live with that for seven years and not feel superior?”

                “I’m not,” the Slayer objected. “My God, if anything, I…” Buffy hung her head again as the thought finished in her head.

                “What?”

                “I just…” she sighed, hating to ponder it at all. “If you knew what I’ve done, what I’ve let myself become. My friends don’t even – you’d laugh, you heard some of the things I’ve done to them.”

                Webs seated himself on a nearby headstone as he continued to study the Slayer.

                “Buffy, I’m here to kill you, not to judge you,” he offered.

                “The last guy I was with,” Buffy began, “it got really – I behaved like a monster, treated him like – But at the same time, I-I let him completely take me over. Do things to me that-” She blinked rapidly, angered by the tears that sprung to her eyes. Webs stood again, apparently unable to hold one position for any long period of time. “I’m sorry.” The Slayer wiped her eyes. “Wow, I didn’t mean to get all true-confessions there.” Webs was inspecting a figurine atop one of the tombstones. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Buffy admitted frankly.

                Webs picked up the figurine.

                “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

                And he attacked, toppling her over and leaning in close, vamp-face out and ready to kill.

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                “Oh, my God!” Webs seemed to be having a revelation. Their fight had relocated them to a crypt and the conversation had resumed.

                “Oh, your God what?” Buffy knew she had said too much. It was really time to slay this guy.

                “Oh, well, you know, not _my_ God,” he clarified lightly, “because I defy him and all of his works, but – Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?”

                “Nothing solid,” said Buffy with a shrug, not really caring to give the question much thought.

                “Oh. I keep getting off topic because my mind is racing here.” The vampire removed his blazer; Buffy recognized it as an expedient in becoming battle-ready. “All right. I’ll make a deal with you. We fight. To the death. Great.” Buffy watched him in silence. “That last fight was exhilarating. And I actually had a move coming up to block that stake.” Buffy tensed as he stepped closer. “But you have to answer one question, and if I’m right, I get to ask anything – no secrets, no defensiveness, anything I want to know.”

                They stared each other down for a moment. Webs seemed to be sizing her up, not just as a fighter, but emotionally.

                “What’s your question?”

                “You said you’re in a good relationship now, but your last relationship – was it with a vampire?”

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                “And the joke is…he loved me,” Buffy mused sardonically. “I mean, in his own sick, soulless way,” she refused to acknowledge the depth of Spike’s emotions, even now, “he really did care for me. But I-I didn’t want to be loved.”

                “Didn’t you?” Webs asked quietly.

                “I have all this power,” Buffy continued tonelessly. “I didn’t ask for it. I don’t deserve it. It’s like…I wanted to be punished.” The Slayer hated to confront these emotions, but hopefully both Willow and Webs were right, that facing the emotions was healthy. “I wanted to hurt like I deserved. I sorta think – you know, this is, um, complicated,” she said shortly, losing her resolve as quickly as it had come. “If you’d rather just fight…” She let the offer stand.

                Webs leaned back against a pillar, completely lacking in hostility.

                “Tell me.”

                “I feel like I’m worse than anyone.” She blinked slowly. It hurt to say this out loud. “Honestly, I’m beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends, my girlfriend. I feel like I’m not worthy of their love. ‘Cause even though they love me, it doesn’t mean anything ‘cause their opinions don’t matter. They don’t know.” She hated that she had these feelings at all, never mind the fact that she was expressing them. “They haven’t been through what I’ve been through. They’re not the Slayer. I am.” The words felt like bile coming out of her mouth. She didn’t want these feelings, but could they be changed? Would she ever trust that people understood her even though they weren’t in her mind? “Sometimes I feel,” she sighed heavily, “this is awful – I feel like I’m better than them. Superior.”

                “Until you can’t win,” Webs pointed out. “And I thought I was diabolical – or, at least I plan to be. You do have a superiority complex. And you’ve got an inferiority complex about it.” He laughed once. “Kudos.”

                “It doesn’t make any sense.”

                Webs leaned forward.

                “Oh, it makes every kind of sense,” he countered. “And it all adds up to you feeling alone. But, Buffy, everybody feels alone. Everybody is,” he said bluntly, “until you die. Speaking of…” he stood and Buffy knew what was coming, “you ready for our little death match?”

                “I suppose.” Buffy got to her feet as well. “Thanks for listening,” she said with sincerity.

                “Oh, you know,” Webs said casually, “there’s some things you can only tell a stranger.”

                “You’re not a stranger.” They stared at each other shortly. The vampire looked almost touched by Buffy’s words. “That stuff with Spike is pretty-”

                “Hold it.”

                “What?” Buffy questioned.

                “Did you say Spike?”

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                “I’m gonna what?” Willow asked, refusing to accept what she had just heard. She wouldn’t kill. Not now. She was recovering. Her friends supported her. Buffy supported her. Surely she wouldn’t kill anyone.

                “That’s why I came,” said Cassie. “We needed to warn you.”

                “You saw my path?” Doubt crept into the witch’s mind. Was it possible that she could slip? Lose her hold on her self control? Lose everything that mattered? “W-what do you know? What – what did you see?”

                “You don’t want to know what we saw,” Cassie declared ominously.

                “Oh God!”

                ‘ _No_ ,’ her mind denied immediately. ‘ _Please no. I can’t – I can’t let anything happen. I have to do better_.’

                “But if you stop – completely. No more magic.”

                ‘ _I have to_.’

                “Right.” Willow assented. “Right. Stop.” But then, “W-what about Giles? He made it seem like it was just as dangerous for me to quit completely, like I might go off the deep end again…” Willow knew herself well enough to know that such a danger was real.

                “You can’t,” Cassie countered resolutely. “If you do so much as another spell-”

                “I tried to stop,” said Willow, beginning to panic. “I-I tried. What if I can’t do this?”

                “Don’t think that way,” Cassie responded. Willow had done this song and dance before though. Tara had told her the same thing she was saying now, but it hadn’t worked. As soon as a big enough problem had surfaced, Willow had been unable to restrain her power. All the suppressed impulses had come out at once.

                “Well, how can I not?” Willow demanded. “You’re telling me I’m gonna murder all my friends. I’m not strong,” she insisted. “I’m not an Amazon. I’m just me.”

                “Well, there is one thing,” Cassie seemed to hesitate, uncertain of whether or not she should voice her suggestion, “one thing you could do to stop it.”

                “What?” asked Willow, eyes widening. “Anything.”

                “And you could see her,” Cassie explained. Willow froze. “You wouldn’t have to talk through me.”

                “Tara?” Willow questioned softly.

                “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

                “I…” Willow hesitated, torn and conflicted. “Of course.” Of course she wanted to see Tara, but it wasn’t as simple as just that. Tara wanted her to be happy, didn’t she?

                “So go,” said Cassie. Willow was unsure of her meaning. “Be with her.”

                ‘ _No_ ,’ Willow’s mind supplied. ‘ _That’s not right. Surely she doesn’t mean…Tara wouldn’t want that. Even if we could be together, Tara wouldn’t ask for that_.’

                “Everybody will be safe,” Cassie continued, “and you’ll be together again… And Buffy will understand.”

                ‘ _Something’s wrong. This isn’t what Tara would want. This isn’t Tara_.’ Her whole soul began to cry as she realized this. It had been such a comfort to think Tara was reaching out to her. Now, having it all fall away, it was almost like losing her all over again.

                “It’s not that bad. Really.”

                ‘ _It’s not Cassie either_ ,’ Willow realized. The whole night had been a lie. This sick creature had the nerve to impersonate Tara. Anger and grief coursed through Willow’s system like poison. ‘ _Control_ ,’ she told herself. ‘ _Find out what this thing is. Why would it pretend to be Tara? What’s its agenda_?’

                “It’s just like going to sleep.”

                Willow stood and surveyed the blonde apparition with cold anger.

                “Who are you?”

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                “What do you mean?” Buffy questioned. “How do you know Spike?”

                “What do you mean, how?” Webs seemed to think the question was absurd. “He was the guy that, um – oh, what’s the word?”

                “Sired.” Buffy’s face froze as she said it.

                “Yeah, he was the guy that sired me.”

                This was too much. Just as she’d been gaining a handle on her multitude of issues, why this? Not Spike. Why Spike? Why now? Why her? Why always her?

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                “Suicide thing was too far, huh?” the Cassie-apparition asked, sounding almost bored. “You seemed so ripe.”

                “Tell me who you are,” Willow insisted, low and threatening.

                “I stand by my opinion,” said the Cassie-apparition, leaning forward and meeting Willow’s eyes. “The world would be a better place if you took a razorblade to your wrist-”

                “Stop,” Willow demanded.

                “I can see it now,” the apparition’s eyes lit up happily as she stood. “Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap.”

                “Stop it!” Willow repeated, angered by the reference to Tara. The whole night this apparition had pretended to represent Tara and that angered Willow more than anything else.

                “Oh baby, you left such a big hole,” the apparition mocked. “It hurts so bad.” She leaned in toward Willow’s face with a serious look in her eyes. “You don’t know hurt,” it said coldly. “You think Buffy needs you? You think you’re helping her by getting in touch with her feelings? She knows better. She can’t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind. And she knows her job is about to get harder. This last year’s gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing – I’m over it. I’m done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I’m going for a big finish.”

                “From beneath you, it devours,” Willow said in realization.

                “Oh, not it,” said the apparition smugly. “Me.”

                Willow stared in horror as the apparition appeared to slowly turn inside out and then vanished.

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 **Next Chapter** : Sleeper


	3. Sleeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Willow face their issues: together.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 3** : Sleeper  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy and Willow face their issues: together.

 **A/N** : I actually added quite a bit of extra stuff this time.

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                Willow was distracted as she made her way home. Thoughts of Tara and fears connected to the new Big Bad were chasing each other around her mind. Distracted as she was, it was a moment before she realized something was wrong at 1630 Revello Drive.

                She hurried through the door, wondering what had caused the apparent destruction.

                “Buffy?” she called out, moving toward the stairs.

                “She’s not here.”

                Willow spun quickly to see Dawn sitting in the middle of the wrecked living room.

                “Dawn? Oh my God.” She rushed to the young girl’s side, treading carefully around the broken glass and clutter. “What’re you – Dawn, what happened here? What – you’re cut.”

                “I’m alright,” Dawn assured her.

                “Let me see,” Willow insisted, “make sure.” She turned Dawn’s face and examined the cuts closely; they seemed shallow.

                “I saw mom,” Dawn said quietly.

                “What?” Willow asked.

                ‘ _She saw…Joyce?_ ’ Willow thought. ‘ _Why couldn’t mine be the actual person? No, don’t think like that. It wasn’t her. Dawn thinks she saw her mother. How am I supposed to tell her…?_ ’

                “She was here, Willow,” Dawn persisted. “I saw her. She was here, and she spoke to me.”

                “Oh, sweetie,” Willow offered sympathetically.

                “No, she was right here,” said Dawn, reading the implication behind Willow’s tone, “and – and then she wasn’t. She-”

                “It wasn’t her.”

                ‘ _Blunt. That’s the way to do it,_ ’ thought Willow encouragingly.

                “What?” Dawn questioned in confusion.

                “At least, I don’t think…” Willow wondered why she was unsure. Did a part of her think that Dawn might have seen her mother? Did a part of her want to believe that her apparition had been real? “I-I saw something too,” she tried to explain, “and it looked like – someone else, but it wasn’t.”

                “I don’t understand.” Dawn was beginning to sound frustrated.

                “It’s the Big Bad, Dawn,” Willow explained. “The one we knew was coming.”

                “But, that’s what she said,” Dawn defended. “Mom, she said that things were coming, that things were on their way,” she hesitated slightly, “and that she loves us. So, it had to be her, right?” Willow could hear the understated desperation in the young girl’s voice. “I mean, her warning was true.”

                “I don’t know.” Willow shook her head sadly. It had been such a long night. And where was Buffy? Had she seen dead people as well? “I just don’t think we can trust anything right now.”

                “So maybe the evil thing messing with you was here too.” Willow could sense a contradiction coming. “Only maybe it was the thing trying to keep mom away.” The destruction stood as testament to some sort of struggle; that was certain. “’Cause she was trying to protect me. Maybe.” Dawn sounded less sure of herself as she finished.

                “Dawnie, I just don’t know,” Willow offered sadly.

                “Well, what did your dead person say?” the teen prompted.

                “I – it – it said…” Willow trailed off in confusion. Thinking about Tara and magic were not high on her list of preferences at the moment, yet those thoughts were the ones that kept persistently clouding her mind. “We should find out where Buffy is,” the witch supplied listlessly.

                “You know, you can talk to me too,” Dawn pointed out. “I’m not a little kid.”

                “I didn’t say you were,” Willow replied patiently. “It’s not about thinking you wouldn’t understand, it’s just – it’s kind of a girlfriend thing.”

                “Your person was Tara,” Dawn guessed.

                “Not exactly,” Willow admitted with a frown. “It was actually – Cassie, but she said she had a message from Tara.”

                “Why wouldn’t it just pretend to be Tara?”

                “I’m not sure.” Willow pondered it quietly. “I think – I think it was to make it more convincing. It said I wasn’t allowed to see Tara…because of what I did. A-and it made it more believable for me because – I kind of feel like that’s what I deserve.”

                “Willow.” Dawn gave the witch a supportive hug. “You can still talk to me about it. I mean, if you want to.”

                “Thanks,” said Willow. “It’s not so much the talking I need though. It’s – I’m trying to think how to describe it.” She and Dawn walked across the rubble, headed for the stairs. “It’s the support. The girlfriendly support.”

                “That’s not a sex metaphor, right?” Dawn quipped.

                “No,” said Willow with a grin. “It’s just something about being close and knowing that she cares. It’s a comfort.”

                “I care too, ya know,” Dawn reminded her. “I mean, not in a gay way. But I care because you’re my friend. More even,” she corrected. “Willow, you’re like…”

                “You don’t have to say it,” Willow said soothingly.

                “I just wanted you to know, there are lots of people who love you, Willow.”

                “Love you too, Dawnie.” They had reached the upstairs, which seemed completely undamaged by comparison. “You should probably try to get some sleep,” suggested the witch.

                “You think Buffy will let me skip school?” Dawn asked hopefully.

                “I’ll see what I can do,” said Willow with a smile.

                “You’re not gonna sleep, are you?”

                “Probably not,” Willow admitted.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Why would a vampire lie about who sired him?” Xander pointed out to Buffy as he fixed himself a cup of coffee. “What’s that, some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.”

                “I’m not saying I don’t believe him,” Buffy replied. Did she believe him? A part of her did. The other part needed to see it for herself.

                “You just don’t want to,” Xander finished for her. She shot him a reproving look. “Okay, let’s look at this objectively. Figure it out in a cold, impersonal, CSI-like manner ‘cause we’re a couple of carpet fibers away from a case.”

                “Spike can’t be the one doing this,” Buffy dismissed. “He couldn’t if he wanted to.”

                “Why not?” Xander asked levelly.

                “Well, for one thing, pain chip, remember? He can’t hurt anyone.”

                “Didn’t stop him from hurting you,” Xander responded. Buffy looked away. “Hey, objective here. Maybe the chip’s not working anymore.”

                “Oh, it’s working.” Buffy thought of the night Spike had come to help Cassie, struggling against the chip as he fought those boys. “I’ve seen it.”

                “Is it? Or is it that what Spike wants you to think?”

                “You think it’s an act?” Could it be an act? Surely Spike couldn’t be that convincing. And evil Spike had been impatient, not the type to play games.

                “I don’t really know,” said Xander. “And neither do you.”

                “No, mm-mmm,” Buffy denied flatly. “There’s something. I-I can feel it. He’s different. He’s changed. And, if it is an act, then the Oscar goes to…”

                It was at that moment that the door to the apartment opened and Spike entered. Buffy and Xander both turned and stared at him apprehensively. Spike stopped in his tracks, appearing unsettled by the Slayer’s presence.

                “Well, this can’t be good,” he announced. “You here at this hour. There trouble?”

                “No, no trouble,” Buffy said quickly, realizing that the vampire would probably see right through the flimsy denial, but hoping he wouldn’t guess her real reason for being there. “I was just – uh, we were just…”

                “Right.” Spike nodded once as he shut the door. “None of my business. No worries.” He began moving toward the walk-in closet that was his room. Buffy moved closer to him.

                “Spike, I – how was your night?” she prompted.

                “’S alright,” he muttered noncommittally. “And yours? Did you, uh, bag any baddies?”

                “One,” Buffy informed him. “Vampire. Uh, someone I used to know, actually, a little.” Spike watched her closely. “Holden,” Buffy added. “Holden Webster.” Not even a flinch.

                “You knew him, huh?” Spike’s voice was layered with concern as he stepped closer. “That must’ve been a picnic.”

                “Yeah,” Buffy sighed.

                “Well, I’m gonna turn in before I drop.” He turned and walked into his room. “G’night,” he added as he closed the door.

                “You see that?” Xander asked. “You see how he reacted when you mentioned Webs? Cool as Cool Whip. What’s up with that?”

                “The sun’s coming up,” said Buffy. “I need to get home and check on Dawn. We need to keep an eye on Spike.”

                “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Xander contradicted. “When you say ‘we’ you mean ‘me.’ And me’s gotta go to work. I got a big client meeting in a couple of hours.”

                “Xander, this is serious,” Buffy said with a frustrated sigh. “We cannot let him leave this house until we know if he’s killing again. We need to find someone that can watch him.”

                “She’s not gonna like it,” said Xander.

                “You don’t even know who I’m thinking of,” Buffy challenged.

                “Come on,” Xander said as he moved toward the door. “I can drive you home and we can pick her up. She’s been staying at your place, right? Avoiding D’Hoffryn’s demon-y assassins.”

                “Not these past couple of nights,” Buffy notified him. “She said she got a bit of money, treated herself to a hotel.”

                “Money?” Xander questioned. “What’d she do, rob a bank?”

                “No,” Buffy said dismissively. “I think she said something about settling the insurance payment on the Magic Box.”

                “Oh,” Xander’s eyes widened in understanding.

                “Hey, have you seen my phone?” Buffy asked as she felt her pockets. “I don’t think I have it.”

                “Haven’t noticed it,” Xander answered.

                “I must’ve dropped it in the graveyard,” Buffy realized. “D’you think you could-”

                “Say no more,” Xander cut her off. “Come on, we’ll do a sweep before I take you home.”

                “Thanks,” said the Slayer. “Oh and you should probably try to call Anya before you forget.”

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                “So what does Willow think about the whole sire question?” Xander asked as they drove to the graveyard.

                “Haven’t seen her yet,” Buffy admitted with a sigh.

                “You gonna tell her?”

                “You think I wouldn’t?” Buffy replied.

                “I don’t know, Buff,” Xander confessed. “Sometimes you keep stuff to yourself.”

                “Not with Willow,” Buffy refuted. “Not anymore. I-I trust her. She and I have been – sorta working on my trust issues. Holden and I were sorta working on that too,” she added as an afterthought.

                “Yeah, Webs always was into the psycho-babble,” Xander noted.

                “So you actually remember him,” Buffy marveled. “Took me like thirty minutes.”

                “And how’s it workin’ out for ya?” said Xander. “The trust and what-not.”

                “It’s scary,” Buffy acknowledged with a sad nod. “I’m only just admitting to myself how deeply disturbed I really am.”

                “We’re all deeply disturbed, Buff,” Xander pointed out. “Maybe you feel more alone in it because you’re the Slayer, but we’re right there with you.”

                “I…” Buffy was unsure of how to respond. “Xander, I don’t know how to accept that,” she explained.

                “Because we’re not you,” Xander reasoned. “None of us has had the exact same experiences you’ve had and so our opinions don’t mean as much.” Buffy was confused by the way Xander said these things. These were words that should come with bitterness, yet Xander was perfectly calm.

                “How did you know that?” she asked, unable to think of anything else.

                “Because, Buffy, everyone goes through that,” he responded. “Maybe not on quite the same level as you – what, with the chosen and the power and the pointy stuff – but lots of people feel that way. Like maybe no one could completely understand them because no one else lives inside their head. People feel alone because, for the most part, they are alone.”

                “That’s pretty much what Holden said.” Buffy twisted her hands in her lap. “A-and it sounds good on paper, but – I don’t know how to apply it. How do you deal with that feeling?”

                “Part of the answer is just to accept it,” Xander said frankly. “And the other part – the harder part – is trust. You’ve gotta trust that even though other people aren’t you, they can still care. They can imagine what it’s like for you and they get where you’re coming from.”

                “Again with the good on paper,” Buffy answered.

                “Yeah,” Xander sighed. “I get that.”

                “Well, I can believe you when you say that,” Buffy said brightly. “So maybe that’s a step in the right direction.”

                “Basically the best you can hope for,” Xander said with a nod. “Keep takin’ steps though and you’ll be surprised how far you can go.”

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                “Dawn?” Buffy called as she hurried into the house, wondering what the hell had happened. “Dawn!” She hurried upstairs.

                “Buffy, it’s okay.” Willow met the Slayer outside Dawn’s door. “She’s okay. Not hurt. She’s just exhausted. Finally fell off to sleep.”

                “What the hell happened?” Buffy asked urgently. “Downstairs looks like-”

                “Hell happened?” Willow supplied. “Yeah. Come on.” She began moving down the hall toward Buffy’s room.

                “Willow, what is it?” Buffy asked again as they entered the room.

                “It’s here,” Willow announced as she sat on the bed. “This big evil that’s been promising to devour us – well, I think it started chomping.”

                “Oh God,” Buffy replied. “And it started with Dawn?”

                “Both of us,” Willow clarified. “Buffy, this thing knows us. It made us think that we were talking to people we knew. Mine said… Dawn actually saw…” she paused and looked nervously into Buffy’s eyes, “your mother.” She could see the pain in Buffy’s face; reaching forward, she grasped one of the Slayer’s hands with both of her own. “This thing – it had me for a while – I mean, before it started letting loose with the pulse-pounding terror. But before that-”

                “Willow,” Buffy interrupted quietly. “What did yours say?” She could see the fear and pain in the witch’s eyes. “Tell me.” An arm wrapped around Willow’s shoulders as the Slayer sat next to her on the edge of the bed.

                “It – it looked like Cassie,” Willow began, not in any particular hurry to get to the part about Tara.

                “Like Cassie?” Buffy was unsure of how to interpret this development.

                “I think it can change its shape or something,” Willow explained.

                “Why Cassie though?”

                “It said…” Willow took a deep breath. “It said it had a message for me.”

                “What kind of message?” Buffy prompted, wondering what had Willow feeling so nervous.

                “From…” Willow trailed off. The memories of the night were still so strong. The grief and the anger threatened her stability. She still felt the sense of betrayal that this monstrosity had pretended to speak for Tara.

                “Tara,” Buffy said tonelessly. Her eyes seemed to freeze. Willow just nodded as tears came to her eyes. “I-I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Buffy offered, wrapping both of her arms around the redhead.

                “Thanks,” responded Willow, leaning into the embrace. “I love you, Buffy,” she said warmly.

                And Buffy sobbed. That Willow would be able to say that to her, even with Tara fresh on her mind, it touched her deeply. Feeling that love, love she wasn’t even sure if she deserved, was so wonderful that it was painful. Her cool and collected exterior snapped like a twig. She wouldn’t call them tears of joy; she couldn’t call them tears of sorrow.

                “Buffy?” Willow was gently inquisitive. The Slayer was not ready to respond. She tried to reign in the tears, but they were still spilling relentlessly. “I’m here for you.”

                “You – for – I should…” Buffy tried to express her thoughts.

                “We can be here for each other,” Willow said consolingly.

                “Shouldn’t – going to pieces,” Buffy continued to ramble, “You need-”

                “Shh.” Willow held Buffy tightly. “I think you’re feeling pretty needy right now too.”

                “But you – you – Tara… God, Will, I can barely think.”

                “It’s okay, Buffy.” Willow rubbed the Slayer’s shoulders encouragingly.

                “Willow,” Buffy pleaded, “why do you love me?”

                “What?” This was certainly not what Willow had expected to hear. “Is that what this is about?” The Slayer gave no answer. “Buffy, I love you because you’re you. I love what you are. I love everything about you.”

                “Everything?”

                “Everything,” Willow assured her. “Buffy… Can I ask what you did last night?”

                “Rough night,” the Slayer answered dryly.

                “And…”

                “I-I wanna do the easy part first,” Buffy began, “but they both feel like hard parts.”

                “Take your time,” Willow suggested. “I can tell that you’re hurting and I wanna help you.”

                “There was this vamp,” said Buffy. “He was actually in school with us. Holden Webster.”

                “Oh,” Willow sighed sadly. “Webs got vamped?”

                “Everybody else remembers him,” Buffy mused. “Took me like thirty minutes. Anyway, we ended up talking.”

                “Talking?”

                “Yeah. I-I was sort of practicing the stuff I wanted to go over with you. We got really deep into some of my issues.”

                “You went deep into your issues with a vampire whose human self you can barely remember?” Willow questioned incredulously. “I don’t understand why you didn’t want to talk about it with me.”

                “I did. I do,” Buffy defended. “That’s what I’m doing right now, Will. I just needed to sort it out first.”

                “Buffy…” Willow took a breath. “I wish you weren’t afraid to talk to me.”

                “I’m not,” Buffy stated firmly. “It just sort of happened with Holden. And it helped me. I want to always get it right with you, Will. I didn’t want to say something the wrong way or anything.”

                “I think that’s too high of an expectation,” Willow countered bluntly. “People make mistakes, Buffy. They say wrong things, they say things they don’t mean, but it happens and we deal with it.”

                “I’m sorry,” Buffy said quickly. “I-I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

                “No,” Willow said reassuringly. “You didn’t hurt me, okay? I just want you to know that you can talk to me and that you don’t have to worry about making mistakes.”

                “Okay,” said Buffy. “I just – Willow, I’m so scared.”

                “Why are you scared?” Willow asked calmly.

                “One of the things we talked about – me and Holden – was about my relationships. They never last.”

                “I won’t leave you, Buffy,” said Willow promptly.

                “Oh, well, that settles everything then,” Buffy said sarcastically. “Because the others were always very clear on the fact that they were going to leave and I just never prepared myself.”

                “Buffy, don’t,” Willow pleaded. “Don’t think that way, please.”

                “I don’t know how not to, Will,” Buffy replied. “I’m scared like a little girl and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

                “Did you and Holden go over anything useful or did he just demoralize you all night with the scary stuff?”

                “One thing was that – that at least part of me – and I know what you’re gonna say, but don’t,” she prefaced. “I don’t feel like I’m worth it.”

                “Okay,” Willow said slowly, “you probably do know what I wanna say,” she allowed. “So why don’t you feel like you’re worth it?”

                “I don’t know,” Buffy admitted fearfully. “Not fully anyway. I think part of it is – my parents. That one made a little more sense last night. And part of it is that I can’t trust people. A-and part of it is that – that I cut myself off. Sometimes I have to be impersonal when I’m Slaying…but then I forget to be Buffy again when I come home. It’s – easier to be cold. There’s a clarity in it that feels really nice, but I lose the good things along with the bad ones and it’s not worth it.”

                _You think you’re helping her by getting in touch with her feelings? She knows better. She can’t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind._

                The false-Cassie’s words rang chillingly in Willow’s mind.

                “Buffy,” said Willow apprehensively, “you’re saying you wanna do both, right?”

                “I think so. I guess I’m saying I need to be reminded,” she decided. “After I’ve done what I need to do as the Slayer, I need to be reminded that I’m also Buffy and that that’s okay too.”

                “You think it’s not okay to be Buffy?” Willow questioned.

                “It’s not that I think it,” Buffy struggled with her thoughts. “I – feel it. I think it’s a wrong feeling, but it’s a feeling. It’s like I’m two people, but there’s not really a division between them. Sometimes I feel like I’m at war with myself because the Buffy in me hates the Slayer for making me cut myself off and the Slayer in me thinks I’m superior and the Buffy in me hates myself for feeling that way.”

                “Don’t,” Willow offered softly. “Don’t hate yourself, Buffy.”

                “I – Willow, I feel like a terrible person,” Buffy said meekly. “One of me feels superior and the other one feels inferior and sometimes I don’t even know which is which and I don’t know which one is motivating me.”

                “You’re not,” Willow cut her off. “You’re not inferior and you’re not superior either.” Buffy said nothing. “You’re different, Buffy. Everyone’s different. And yeah, you got an extra scoop of different when you became the Slayer, but different doesn’t mean better or worse. It just means different.”

                “But what does that mean?” Buffy pleaded.

                “It means you don’t have to feel bad,” Willow said consolingly. “You’re not a bad person. It’s not like anything you’ve done is wrong.”

                “How about rough sex with a soulless, evil vampire?”

                “Rough sex is a personal choice,” Willow pointed out. “And maybe the soulless thing could fall in the mistake category,” she said in a more serious tone. “But Buffy, making mistakes doesn’t make you bad. It just means you made a mistake.”

                “This is all really hard to deal with,” Buffy commented.

                “I know,” Willow told her. “Really, I know. I’ve made mistakes,” the witch said quietly. “You don’t think I’m a bad person, right?”

                “Of course not,” Buffy assured her. “I love you, Will.”

                “So maybe you can love yourself too,” Willow suggested. “Even if you make mistakes. Even though the Slayer has to do things that other people don’t do. None of that makes you bad.”

                “I’m glad I have you, Will,” Buffy said solemnly. “This is all really, really hard to deal with,” she repeated. “And even though the words make sense, it’s still really hard. But you make it better.”

                “The, uh, the apparition,” said Willow, “after I found out what it was, it tried to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. Getting you to trust and deal with your emotions.”

                “But it’s evil though,” Buffy pointed out.

                “So it’s probably the right thing,” Willow conceded. “It’s so hard to know though.”

                “Willow, I wanna make something clear,” Buffy said. “I don’t _want_ to be cold, hard Buffy. Sometimes I have to be – and sometimes it’s even kinda nice – but it’s not what I want. I want to be trusting, emotional Buffy. When I’m in Slayer mode – it’s like I’m half a person. When I’m with you – trusting and loving – I feel whole.”

                “I’m glad,” Willow answered simply. “I love you, Buffy.” This brought another quiet sob. “Buffy?”

                “Sorry,” she said quickly. “I just… Have you ever felt something so good that it – hurts?”

                “Hurts?” Willow asked with concern.

                “Maybe not exactly.” Buffy was quietly thoughtful for a moment. “You just spent the night having your half of a conversation with Tara – and you can still say you love me.” Two tears slipped from her eyes.

                “I do love you, Buffy,” said Willow fervently. “And yeah, I miss Tara a lot; I think I always will… But I love you, Buffy. I love you with everything I have.”

                “That’s what it is,” Buffy explained. “That love – touches me. It touches me really deeply. I’m not used to letting people so far in.”

                “Okay,” Willow said softly, “I think I can understand what you’re saying. It’s kinda scary to feel something that deeply. Especially when you’re not used to it.”

                “Sounds close enough to right,” said Buffy.

                “Bet you didn’t realize dating me would be so scary, huh?”

                “Bet you didn’t realize I had so many issues,” Buffy countered.

                “I kinda did,” Willow informed her. “We’re best friends; do you think I don’t notice these things?”

                “That would be why I try to hide them,” Buffy said flatly.

                “I knew you had some baggage, Buffy. I don’t want you to feel like you deceived me or something. It’s not like I got into this expecting you to be perfect; nobody is. Love isn’t about that. It’s about loving someone even though they have issues. Even if they make mistakes. Xander kinda taught me that.”

                “Xander?”

                “When I…” Willow suppressed a shudder. “When I tried to destroy the world.” Buffy grasped the witch’s hand reassuringly. “He told you about the speech, right?”

                “Yeah.”

                “I was – I was kinda being cold, hard Willow. Emotionless. I didn’t want to feel anything. And then he reached out to the deepest parts of me. He didn’t ask me to stop. He just loved me. And it hurt.” Her voice cracked slightly as she said it. “So – I get how you feel.”

                “I believe you,” Buffy said gently. “And that’s actually kinda big for me. Xander sorta helped me understand some stuff too.”

                “You mean – recently?” Buffy understood that by ‘recently’ Willow meant ‘last night.’

                “I’m sorry,” Buffy said shortly. “I should have come to you first.”

                “Why did you go to Xander?” Willow asked patiently.

                “I wanted to check on something. Didn’t really help anything though,” she added thoughtfully. “But we talked a bit. He helped me understand some of my trust issues.”

                “Yeah?”

                “It’s hard for me to accept – that people care – that they understand even if they haven’t lived it. I wanna work on that too. I wanna be able to trust people even though they haven’t been in my mind.”

                “But I have been in your mind,” Willow reminded her.

                “Huh?” questioned the Slayer.

                “Don’t you remember?” Willow prompted. “After Glory took Dawn – you were all catatonic.”

                “Oh yeah,” sighed Buffy in realization. “Guess I inherited some repressing skills.”

                “We could…” Willow hesitated. “I mean, if you want to – we could do it again.” Silence. “Both ways even.”

                “I-I don’t know,” said Buffy uncertainly. “I mean, I wanna be able to say yes…”

                “It’s intimidating,” Willow acknowledged. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it.”

                “It’s okay,” Buffy said quickly. “Like I said, I want to – I want to be that trusting. I’m just not ready yet.”

                “I’m sorry,” Willow said again. “I don’t want you to feel pressured. I know this is all really hard for you.” The redhead sighed deeply. “And not to dismiss that,” she preemptively qualified, “but maybe we should change the subject. There’s something I wanna know. What did you go to check on at Xander’s place?”

                “You know,” Buffy answered plainly.

                “So why did you need to check on him?”

                “Holden,” Buffy began. “He told me Spike sired him – two nights ago.”

                “Well, that’s impossible, right?” said Willow immediately. “So maybe it was another one. A fake-out,” she clarified. “You got one too. It wasn’t a real vamp.”

                “It dusted real enough,” Buffy commented sadly.

                “Buffy, do you think Spike is-”

                “I can’t,” said Buffy with a sigh. “I hope not. But if I’m wrong and he is, then I have to see it for myself. I have to be there to stop it.”

                “Okay,” said Willow supportively.

                “So that was my night,” Buffy stated. “Tell me more about yours.”

                “Okay,” Willow repeated. “You already know that it – the apparition thing – it looked like Cassie. And it said it had a message from Tara. I was talking with Dawn earlier and I sort of came up with a theory.”

                “So I’m not the only one who talks to other people,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Fair point,” Willow conceded. She took a breath before continuing. “It said I wasn’t allowed to see Tara because of what I did. And I believed it because – I feel like I deserve that.”

                “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Buffy kissed the witch’s cheek.

                “Well, it really got me hooked in,” Willow persisted. “The lies were very convincing. It just seems real.”

                “What did it tell you?”

                “It said that they – Cassie and Tara – they saw my path. They said I was gonna kill everyone.” Willow frowned, fearing the possibility of such a thing. “And then it said I needed to stop using magic, but Giles taught me that that was just as dangerous and I know that he’s right. Then she – it – it said that there was another way.” Willow’s tone flattened. “It tried to – convince me to kill myself.”

                “I’m here for you,” Buffy responded immediately.

                “I wouldn’t do it,” Willow assured her. “That’s the thing that made me realize I wasn’t talking to Tara. The rest of it though – it was so convincing because it’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

                “I’ve got you,” said the Slayer promptly. “I wish it wasn’t frightening for you.”

                “I’m just glad you’re here,” Willow replied warmly. “Just being close to you helps a lot. It’s like the world’s this great big ocean and the storms are coming in, making everything go all wavy, but where you are everything’s calm.”

                “I love you, Will.”

                “I love you too.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Anya, Willow, Buffy and Dawn were gathered around Willow’s laptop. Buffy was so frustrated at the Spike situation. Confronting him may not have been the best thing, but after losing him and that woman, she had been unable to contain her frustration. If it had been anyone else, she wouldn’t have waited for evidence, but Spike always made everything so damn confusing. Her frequently divided mind argued that Spike really couldn’t be doing this of his own free will. She knew she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to stake him without some kind of proof.

                “Okay guys, find me some evidence that he did this.” Buffy insisted, breaking the silence.

                “Really?” Anya asked as she looked through the bookcase. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

                “Find me proof that he didn’t,” Buffy suggested alternatively. She needed something solid, one way or the other.

                “You only think Spike is turning people ‘cause that vampire told you so, right?” Dawn prompted. “But that night we were all told things that weren’t true.”

                “Maybe,” said Willow.

                “What? What maybe?” Dawn inquired. Buffy thought of Willow’s uncertainty about the intentions of the new Big Bad and its careful use of half-truths.

                “Well, just because those weren’t the spirits of, you know, our people – just because it was some evil thing, doesn’t mean what they said can’t be true.” Willow sounded conflicted. The Slayer gave her an encouraging smile.

                “I used to tell the truth all the time when I was evil,” Anya offered helpfully.

                “Look, we can’t assume anything,” Buffy said briskly. “We need hard facts.”

                “Well, if Spike is biting people again, should there be more dead people with neck trauma? Right? We can find that,” Anya said brightly.

                “No,” Willow muttered, frowning at the computer screen.

                “No, we can’t find that?” Anya questioned. “But that’s easy. That computer’s a moron.”

                “I mean, no, there’s not really an increase in neck injuries, but…” Willow fell silent as her eyes scanned the screen.

                “But what?” Buffy prompted.

                “Oh. Missing people,” the witch began. “Eight, maybe. Oh, ten of them. No bodies, they’re just missing. Mostly young. Lots of girls.

                “So, it’s true?” Dawn asked. “What that vampire told Buffy turned out to be true.”

                “Maybe,” said Buffy. “But it still doesn’t prove that it’s Spike. Right now, he’s the only one who knows for sure. I’m gonna go patrol,” she announced suddenly. “Keep trying to catch him at it.”

                “It didn’t work last night,” Dawn protested. “And now he knows you’re on to him-”

                “I don’t know what else to do,” Buffy answered in frustration.

                “Buffy,” said Willow quietly. The Slayer took a deep breath and turned to face the redhead. “Can I come with you?”

                “I have to do my job, Will,” Buffy replied.

                “And?”

                “And – Will, this is gonna come out wrong…”

                “I’ll keep that in mind,” Willow assured her.

                “I can’t protect you and fight Spike at the same time,” Buffy explained. “This is gonna be hard enough as it is; having you close could really put me off of my game.”

                _She knows better._

                Again, Willow’s mind presented her with the apparition’s taunts.

                “I’m sorry,” Willow said softly, looking confused.

                “No, hey.” Buffy held out her hand and crooked her finger. “Come here.”

                Willow pushed her chair back and walked over to the Slayer. Buffy grasped her lover in a hug.

                “Any other night it would be yes,” Buffy pledged quietly. “Just not tonight. I hope you understand.”

                “I want to,” said the witch levelly.

                “He…” Buffy looked up at the others. Dawn was looking at the floor, but her eyes kept moving back to the hugging couple. Anya surveyed her own fingernails, apparently uninterested in the emotional exchange. “Willow,” she whispered, “you know he confuses me. I need to be cold and impersonal if I’m gonna figure this out. With you there, it would be harder. I need to be the Slayer, okay?” Willow nodded against Buffy’s shoulder. “I’ll be back though. And I’ll stake him if I have to. Trust me.”

                “Okay,” Willow agreed softly. “But if you die, I’m gonna bring you back so I can kill you.”

                “You don’t even have to worry about that,” Buffy said calmingly.

                “D’you think he knows?” the witch asked suddenly. “A-about us?”

                “I don’t know. I thought he’d smell it, but if he does know, he’s not saying anything.”

                “Wait a minute,” Anya interrupted loudly. The couple pulled apart and looked at her. “You two are an ‘us’ now?”

                “You didn’t know?” Buffy questioned with raised eyebrows.

                “Dawn,” the ex-demon rounded on the teen. “You owe me ten dollars, don’t you?”

                “No,” Dawn countered calmly. “I owe you five, remember? And you owe Xander ten.”

                “Damn,” Anya muttered. “Buffy, you need to learn to be more assertive.”

                “Is everyone betting on us?” Buffy demanded.

                “What exactly was the bet?” said Willow interestedly.

                “Five dollars that you two would get together, and five more that you,” she nodded toward Willow, “would make the first move,” Anya informed her. “Dawn said it wouldn’t happen, so she took both bets with Xander. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened so I took Dawn up for five, but I forgot I let her out of the first move thing since her scenario didn’t _technically_ have a first move and also because she’s a little kid and doesn’t have a lot of money and it would be socially inappropriate to rob her blind like that. Mostly I just wanted to have the moral high ground over Xander. And I went double with him, thinking that you,” she pointed at the Slayer, “would be the one who made the first move. Aren’t you Slayers supposed to make with the ‘want, take, have’? You were supposed to grab her in a moment of blind passion and ravish her.”

                Both Buffy and Willow blushed at the last line.

                “Sorry to disappoint,” Buffy said to Anya.

                “I think that puts me ahead on the ‘manly one’ question,” Willow teased.

                “Well, I’ll just have to ravish you tonight, my wicked witch.” Buffy kissed the redhead quickly. Dawn coughed once to remind them of her presence.

                “It doesn’t matter if you ravish her now,” Anya complained. “I’m still out ten dollars. Maybe I can get Xander to go double or nothing on something.”

                “Preferably not something about our relationship,” Buffy requested.

                “There’s not much we could bet on without resorting to voyeurism,” Anya reflected. “You know, Buffy, if you were a considerate person, you would give me ten dollars since you’re so terrible at assertiveness.”

                Willow leaned and whispered something in Buffy’s ear.

                “Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones,” Buffy tentatively said to the ex-demon.

                “Apology accepted,” said Anya with an indulgent smile.

                “Still not givin’ you any money though,” Buffy said dryly. “I’m gonna go make with the stalking.” She kissed Willow again and then headed for the door.

                “You guys wanna play poker?” Anya suggested as the door closed.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                The Scoobies were all assembled at Buffy’s house. Spike sat wrapped in a blanket, facing away from the group. Each of the Scoobies took it in turns to cast dubious glances at the vampire as Buffy explained what had happened when she had gone to meet Spike.

                “And you believe him?” Anya prompted.

                “You didn’t see him down there,” Buffy defended quietly. “He really didn’t know what he’d done. He wasn’t in control.”

                “Oh, an out of control serial killer. You’re right, that is a great houseguest,” Xander quipped.

                “Wait is he – is he staying here?” asked Dawn.

                “I don’t know,” Buffy answered, stress layering her tone. “But I’m not letting him out of my sight, that’s for sure.”

                “Buffy, he’s been feeding…on human blood,” Willow pointed out softly. “That’s gotta do stuff.”

                “I’m not keeping him around just to help him,” Buffy qualified, glancing once in Spike’s direction. “I think there was something there, talking to him, making him do things.”

                “Something like what was talking to us?” the witch inquired.

                “Maybe,” said Buffy, hating all of the uncertainty. “But if it was, it’s been messing with Spike big time.”

                “So,” said Xander, “you want him around because…”

                “Look, there’s something evil working us,” the Slayer explained. “And if we are ever gonna have a chance to fight it, we need to learn everything we can about it. This thing has been closer to Spike than any of us.”

                “And if you wanna understand it…” Willow said darkly.

                “I’m gonna have to get close to Spike,” Buffy confirmed.

                “Nah,” said Xander, “it’s too-”

                “Buffy,” Willow spoke over Xander. “What if-”

                “I think I know what you’re gonna say,” Buffy interrupted. “And you should know that vampires can hear you whispering from across a room.”

                “Buffy, you should-”

                “Not right now, please,” Buffy insisted.

                “Buff, we’re playin’ with fire here,” said Xander.

                **_*Willow, can you hear me?*_**

                The witch stirred at the sound of Buffy’s thoughts.

                “Xander, I can handle Spike,” the Slayer assured him and the group at large.

                **_*I love you, Willow,*_** thought the Slayer.

                **_*I love you too,*_** Willow thought back immediately.

                “I’m not saying you can’t handle him,” Xander stated.

                **_*You okay?*_** Buffy was uncomfortable with the troubled look on Willow’s face.

                **_*I wanna be,*_** came Willow’s answer. **_*I really don’t understand this.*_**

                “I’m just saying that maybe there are other ways to get to know evil besides shacking up with it.”

                “Shacking up?” Buffy questioned. “That’s not what this is.” She looked into Willow’s eyes as she said it.

                “Sorry, poor choice of words,” Xander replied.

                **_*Why don’t you want him to know about us?*_** Willow looked concerned.

                **_*I just don’t want to tell him tonight. Not after everything else that’s happened.*_**

                “But Buff, maybe you’re approaching the situation differently because of your personal involvement,” Xander suggested.

                **_*Why?*_** Willow’s eyes were soft and questioning.

                **_*It’s gonna hurt him. I know we need to tell him and set the record straight, but I just don’t wanna do it tonight.*_**

                “Guys, this isn’t some pity thing,” Buffy addressed the entire room. “I’m not helping him because we had a fling. I’m helping him because I really believe he’s not in control, because I think he’s being played by the same thing that’s been messing with the rest of us, and because he wants my help.”

                **_*Is that okay? Is it okay if we wait to tell him?*_**

                **_*I’ll try to get there,*_** was Willow’s answer as her face relaxed.

                “And is that all he has to say for you to let him in?” Xander responded.

                **_*I do want to ask,*_** Willow continued. **_*What if he already knows?*_**

                “What if he thinks this is a way to get closer to you?” Xander prompted.

                **_*That,*_** thought Willow, tilting her head in Xander’s direction.

                “Guys, I need you to trust me on this.” Buffy took the time to look each of them in the eyes. “I think that this evil thing is trying to use Spike and I need to know why. It’s my job to fight things like this and it’s my job to protect the people that need it. Whatever this thing is, from beneath us, it’s bad, and it’s only getting worse.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : Never Leave Me


	4. Never Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Scooby gang tries to find out what's been pulling Spike's strings.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 4** : Never Leave Me  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : The Scooby gang tries to find out what’s been pulling Spike’s strings.

 **A/N** : Short one this time. Not a whole lot that could or should be tinkered with in this episode.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                “You were right,” Buffy said to Willow. They stood in the hallway outside Buffy’s room, in which Spike was tied to a chair.

                “What about?” Willow asked.

                “He’s been feasting on humans for weeks,” Buffy explained. “He’s having some pretty bad withdrawals. I think we need to get him some blood.”

                “Do you want me to kill Anya?” Willow suggested with a smile.

                “No, we should probably try to wean him off humans,” Buffy stated matter-of-factly. “He’ll have to make do with animal blood.”

                “I’ll go get some,” Willow offered.

                “You don’t mind?” Buffy was touched by this gesture.

                “No, I have to get out of the house,” said the witch. “Xander’s installing the new windows and he keeps giving lectures on proper tool maintenance. Tool talk – not my thing.”

                “Thank you,” Buffy said warmly.

                **_*I love you,*_** she added mentally.

                **_*I love you too,*_** Willow thought back. **_*I wish you’d let me say it out loud…*_**

                **_*I’ll tell him,*_** promised the Slayer. **_*Just after things settle down a little bit.*_**

                **_*I’m sorry,*_** thought Willow quickly. **_*I didn’t mean to push. I trust you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*Thanks.*_**

                “How’re you doing in there?” Willow asked aloud.

                “He’s in pretty bad shape,” Buffy said sadly, “past the point where he can tell me anything.”

                “I wasn’t asking about him,” Willow clarified.

                “I’ll be okay.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                As the day passed, “okay” was about as much as any of them could claim. First, Willow had turned up with the far-less-than-helpful Andrew, who she had found buying blood at the butcher shop. Then, just as things were settling down, Spike had decided to tear apart a wall in his attempt to drain Andrew.

                Buffy sat in a chair in the living room, across from Willow and Dawn, who were on the couch. Spike’s attack on Andrew had her feeling more than a little rattled. Her inner Slayer kept screaming at her to just stake him, but she fought the impulse.

                “He didn’t seem to want anything to do with me,” Buffy told the others as she tried to justify keeping him alive. “I mean, he just pushed me aside and charged at the wall.”

                “Are you hurt?” Willow asked softly.

                Xander and Anya came down the stairs to join in the conversation.

                “Not – not really,” Buffy answered Willow.

                **_*Not physically,*_** she supplied through her thoughts.

                Willow got off the couch and squeezed into the chair with Buffy, wrapping her arms around the Slayer.

                **_*I love you,*_** thought Willow.

                **_*I love you too. Thank you.*_**

                “How is what’s-his-name?” Dawn questioned, turning to face Xander.

                “He’s got a good chunk taken out of his neck, but he’ll be alright,” Xander replied. “Had to tie him up again, but mainly just to keep him from scratching at his bandages.” He turned to Buffy. “What the hell happened up there?”

                “I-I don’t know,” said Buffy. “Spike and I were having a conversation and he was fine. I mean, you know, as fine as Spike can be,” she clarified. “And then I went to check on you guys,” she nodded toward Xander and Anya, “and when I got back – it was like he was a completely different person.”

                “Different like ‘William the Bloody’ type different?” Willow prompted.

                “He was talking to someone,” Buffy continued. “I heard through the door, he was having this conversation. And then he started singing.”

                “Maybe it’s another musical,” Anya suggested brightly. Buffy stared at her blankly. “A much crappier musical,” she qualified.

                “He – he mentioned something about a song in the cellar,” Buffy recalled. “Uh, a-and he changed there, too – I mean instantly became another person.”

                “Trigger,” Xander said suddenly.

                “The horse?” said Anya.

                “No, in his head,” Xander responded. All eyes turned to Xander, waiting for further explanation. “It’s a trigger. It’s a brainwashing term. It’s how the military makes sleeper agents. They –they brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song,” he pointed out, “that makes ‘em drastically change at a moment’s notice.”

                “Is this left over from your days in the Army?” Willow inquired.

                “No, this is left over from every Army move I’ve ever seen,” he answered. “But it makes sense. We’ve had ghosts or something haunting us, right? Well, what if Spike’s ghosts figured out a way to – not only to haunt him – what if they figured out how to – how to control him?”

                “Spike said he’s been seeing things since I found him in the basement,” Buffy agreed.

                “So, he gets his soul back,” said Willow, “he starts seeing spooky things, and he goes extra-extra crazy.”

                “This trigger,” Buffy began. “How do we holster – safety, or – I don’t know guns. How do we make it stop?”

                “Well, usually the operative completes his task and either blows his head off or steals a submarine.”

                Buffy sighed.

                “All right,” she said brusquely. “I need information. If Spike’s a bomb, then I need to know how to diffuse him. Dawn, Willow, I wanna know what did this to him. Spirits, ghosts, demons, check the lot of them. Look for anything that could haunt or – or possibly control like this. I need to know exactly what we’re dealing with.”

                “And what’re you gonna do?” Willow asked gently.

                “I’m gonna keep trying to find out what he knows,” Buffy said plainly.

                “I could come with you,” Willow offered.

                “I need you researching, okay?” Buffy cupped the witch’s cheek in one hand and they kissed briefly. “Help me that way.”

                **_*Buffy,*_** Willow thought, **_*it’s the Slayer that needs to talk to him, right?*_**

                **_*It’s both,*_** Buffy admitted. **_*You know I care about him. But you’re the one I love. Don’t forget that.*_**

                **_*It’s hard for me,*_** the witch informed her. Buffy kissed her again. **_*I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m stressing out.*_**

                **_*Please don’t worry,*_** Buffy pleaded with her thoughts and with her eyes. **_*He’s been through a lot and I feel for him, but it’s not a romantic thing. I really hate that I’m worrying you.*_**

                **_*You’re not,*_** Willow thought reassuringly. **_*Not exactly anyway.*_**

                **_*I love you. Only you. You are the only person I wanna be with, Will. And I’m sorry I haven’t – shown you that lately.*_**

                **_*Oh, no, don’t think like that,*_** Willow countered. **_*I understand that part. You’ve got so much to deal with.*_**

                **_*I wish I could make more time for us.*_**

                **_*I really do understand. Don’t worry about that.*_**

                “Try not to look directly into it,” Dawn advised.

                Buffy and Willow turned. Dawn was talking to Xander, who was staring at Willow and Buffy.

                “Sorry,” Xander apologized for staring. “Sometimes it’s like you guys are having a conversation with your eyes or something.”

                “It’s intense,” Anya added supportively.

                “Sorry about that,” Buffy told them as she and Willow stood. “Sometimes I get a little lost in it.”

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                “Have you ever really asked yourself why you can’t do it?”

                Of course she had asked herself. She could barely ask herself anything else.

                “Off me?”

                She knew that Spike could be a good man.

                “After everything I’ve done to you, to people around you.”

                She knew that people could change. That mistakes didn’t make a person evil.

                “It’s not love. We both know that.”

                Well, at least someone else knew it.

                “You fought by my side,” Buffy began. “You’ve saved lives. You’ve helped-”

                “Don’t do that.” Spike rolled his eyes impatiently. “Don’t rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it.” He looked away from the Slayer. “You like men who hurt you.”

                “No,” Buffy denied flatly. Could no one understand?

                “You need the pain we cause you,” the vampire pressed, returning his gaze to Buffy once more. “You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the Slayer.”

                “No,” Buffy said again. “I don’t hate like that. Not you or myself. Not anymore.” The last part was more than she had meant to say, but not untrue. “You think you have insight because your soul’s drenched in blood? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you.” And that’s what Buffy wanted to help him with. “Was that you who killed those people in the cellar? Was that you who waited for those girls?”

                “There’s no one else.”

                “That’s not true,” Buffy argued. Why couldn’t Spike see it? “Listen to me. You’re not alive because of hate or pain. You’re alive because I saw you change,” she assured him softly. “Because I saw your penance.”

                Spike lunged forward, chains pulling tightly.

                “Window dressing,” he snarled.

                “Be easier, wouldn’t it?” Buffy challenged. “If it were an act, but it’s not.” She took a step closer. “You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back.” Another step. “You risked everything to be a better man.” Step.

                “Buffy…”

                They were nearly nose to nose now.

                “And you can be,” Buffy said solemnly. “You are. You may not see it, but I do. I do,” she repeated quietly. “I believe in you, Spike.”

                And he understood. She could see it in his face that he understood. Now that they’d crossed that hurdle, maybe she could start working up to the part about…

                **_*Buffy!*_** The Slayer heard Willow’s thoughts in her mind just a split second before the sound of shattering glass reached her ears.

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 **Next Chapter** : Bring on the Night


	5. Bring on the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow tries to use magic. The Scoobies gain some houseguests.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 5** : Bring on the Night  
 **Rating** : R or NC-17?  
 **Warnings** : Bit of femslash (beyond just the kissing, but a very brief scene) in this chapter. Other than that though, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Willow tries to use magic. The Scoobies gain some houseguests.

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                “How’s it going?” asked Xander. He and Buffy stood at the end of the dining room, watching Willow as she prepared a spell. Anya was assisting Willow, and Dawn was at the opposite end of the table using Willow’s laptop for research.

                “Dawn’s trying to find out anything she can about the Seal of Danzalthar,” Buffy explained. “Will’s about to do a locator spell, see if we can find The First.” She stretched and yawned.

                “Why don’t you get some rest,” Xander suggested.”You haven’t slept for like two days. We’ll call you if we need anything.”

                “Nah,” Buffy dismissed. “I-I couldn’t sleep.” The last time she had fallen asleep, she had been haunted by her mother and she wasn’t in any hurry to face that again. Not to mention the possibility that it had been The First, in which case the advice to rest should be strictly ignored. “Too much going on,” she muttered.

                “It’ll be okay, Buff,” Xander offered. “We’ve faced this kind of stuff before.”

                “You didn’t see The First,” said Buffy as she watched Willow pour a sandy mixture onto the table in front of her. “I did. I felt it. It was like-”

                The conversation was interrupted by an explosion. Something had gone very wrong with Willow’s spell. The bowl on the table was glowing red, Anya had been blasted backwards and Dawn was crawling away quickly. Buffy watched in horror as the red light entered Willow’s nostrils and a monstrous apparition appeared.

                “Will!” Buffy lunged forward. The apparition vanished as Willow stood, sending out red lightning bolts that knocked the Slayer backwards into the foyer.

                “You only make me stronger,” a deep voice shouted from Willow’s mouth.

                Xander grabbed the glowing bowl on the table and smashed it against the wall. The light disappeared and Willow fell to the ground, shuddering and twitching. Buffy leapt and rushed to the witch’s side.

                “Will!” she said again as she held the redhead close.

                “It’s still in me,” Willow sobbed. “I feel it!”

                “No, it’s not,” Buffy whispered soothingly as she began stroke Willow’s hair. “It’s gone. You’re okay.”

                “I don’t want to hurt anybody,” the witch pleaded. “Please, Buffy, don’t let it make me. Oh, God!”

                “We won’t,” Buffy assured her. “I promise, okay? I promise. We won’t use magic to fight this thing until we know what we’re doing.”

                “I can’t,” Willow cried. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

                “I’ve got you,” the Slayer vowed. “I love you.”

                “I’m so scared,” the witch said quietly.

                “It’s okay.” Willow wrapped her arms around the back of Buffy’s neck as she felt the Slayer lifting her. “Come on. You need to lie down, okay?”

                “Don’t let me hurt anyone.”

                “I’ve got you,” Buffy repeated firmly.

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                The pair lay comfortably on Buffy’s bed. Willow was staring at the ceiling and Buffy was on her side, one arm draped over the witch’s abdomen and the other resting on a pillow.

                “You gonna be okay?” the Slayer asked softly.

                “Yeah,” Willow’s voice was scratchy and tired. “You were right. I-it left after Xander smashed the bowl.”

                “Can I ask why you thought it was still there?”

                “I could still feel…my power,” Willow admitted. “It scared me a lot.”

                “I’m here for you,” the Slayer gently affirmed. “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too, Buffy.” They kissed. “I’m sorry the spell didn’t work out.”

                “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Will,” Buffy said reassuringly. “What matters to me is that you’re okay.”

                “I’m also sorry I hit you with lightning bolts,” Willow continued.

                “Not your fault,” Buffy stated. “And also not the hardest I’ve ever been hit. I’m fine, really.”

                “I’m still sorry,” the witch persisted.

                “I’m not gonna accept your apology, Will,” the Slayer answered bluntly. “I don’t believe you have anything to feel sorry for.”

                “You’re too good to me,” Willow answered, half-joking and half-serious.

                “Just reciprocating,” Buffy said kindly. They kissed again.

                Willow’s fingers entrenched themselves in Buffy’s hair as their kisses intensified. Grasping one of the Slayer’s hands with her remaining hand, Willow moved them both down her body, sliding beneath her waistband. Buffy pulled her face back.

                “Will, are you sure?” she questioned, not wanting to pressure or take advantage of the witch in this state.

                “Please, I need it, Buffy,” Willow pleaded.

                “Okay, baby.” The Slayer leaned down, kissing and licking at the hollow of the witch’s neck as her hand pushed the rest of the way under, feeling warm arousal.

                “I love you, Buffy,” Willow panted as a finger brushed against her clit.

                “Love you too,” Buffy mumbled against the witch’s neck.

                It was not a long or drawn-out affair. Buffy knew what Willow was looking for. No teasing or playful banter was exchanged this time, just two lovers, holding each other tightly, sating a deep need. Their bodies writhed against each other, stirring with the gentle ebb and flow of give and take. Buffy needed to give her love just as deeply as Willow needed to receive it. Their lips reunited and everything multiplied. Every stroke, every kiss brought the lovers closer together.

                “Mmmm.” It was an understated moan. Willow arched into Buffy’s touch, releasing every ounce of her tension and anxiety. As her body sank back into the bed, her mind sank into a wonderful, clear calm.

                “Feeling better?” Buffy asked as their lips slowly parted.

                “Thank you,” Willow said by way of an answer.

                “Nothing like a little sexual healing, huh?” She paused. “I really just said that.”

                “You’re cute when you’re corny.” Willow kissed her again.

                “I’m glad I could help you feel better,” said Buffy fervently.

                “Want me to return the favor?”

                “I’m okay,” Buffy said softly. She pulled her hand back up to rest on the witch’s stomach.

                “Are you though?” Willow prompted. “I think you’re stressed.”

                “I’m okay enough,” Buffy clarified. “I’m thinkin’ I should go out and search for this thing. I need to be doing something.”

                “If that’s what you need,” Willow said supportively.

                “I promise, we’ll do more later if you want to.” She kissed the witch’s forehead.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “At least let me come with you,” Xander argued as Buffy made for the door.

                “I’m going alone,” Buffy countered flatly.

                “You said yourself, you don’t know how to fight The First, or even where it is.”

                Buffy sighed.

                “It’s out there, it’s hurting my friends, I’ll find it.”

                Buffy opened the door and nearly walked into Giles.

                “Buffy,” he greeted.

                “Giles,” exclaimed the Slayer in surprise. She moved forward to hug him, but found her path interrupted by a procession of three girls.

                “Nice place,” the first girl commented in a regional British accent that Buffy couldn’t hope to place.

                “This is a Slayer?” The third girl stopped as the second passed without comment. Girl number three seemed to be sizing her up. She sighed and moved on.

                Buffy glanced from the girls to Giles, hoping the question was obvious.

                “Sorry to barge in,” Giles began, “we have a slight apocalypse.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “This sucks,” Buffy complained. She was sitting on the edge of her bed with her face in her hands. Willow paced back and forth in front of her.

                “The girls?” Willow questioned. “I don’t think it’ll be that hard to adjust to. Y’know, maybe I could move into this room with you and they could take mine.”

                “No,” said Buffy.

                “No?” Willow’s eyes widened. “Just like that?”

                “That came out wrong,” Buffy said quickly.

                “It was one word.”

                “Still came out wrong,” Buffy defended. “I-I didn’t mean to snub you or anything. It’s just…I feel like we should be – kinda private.”

                “You don’t want the newbies to know?” Willow asked quietly.

                “Basically,” Buffy admitted. “Is that okay?”

                “Buffy…I don’t understand.” Willow frowned. “I thought you were okay with the coming out thing.”

                “That’s not what it is,” Buffy mimicked Willow’s frown. “It’s a Slayer thing. Will, these girls need to see me as the Slayer. They’re depending on me to be the hero, not the human.”

                “That doesn’t mean you have to give in to what they want,” Willow argued. “Why not correct their impression? Show them that the Slayer is more than just the hero. Teach them about finding the balance.”

                “Because these girls are scared.”

                “And they should be,” Willow acknowledged. “But why does that mean you only show them half of who you are?”

                “Willow, please,” Buffy said softly, “I don’t wanna fight.”

                “I’m sorry,” said the witch. She took a seat next to the Slayer, pushed her blonde hair to the sides of her face, and began massaging her temples. “I didn’t mean to sound so – hostile. I just don’t understand.”

                “I don’t know how else to explain it,” Buffy sighed deeply, feeling uncertain. A part of her thought of mentioning the dream about her mother, but she decided against it. If The First wanted her to rest, then it was obviously the last thing she should be doing. Then again, if it really was her mom…

                “Can you understand how I feel?” Willow inquired softly, pulling the Slayer from her thoughts.

                “I think so,” Buffy told her sadly. “It’s not like I’m ashamed of us. I’m just trying to do what’s best for these girls.”

                _She knows better. She can’t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind._

                “And you think it’s best to let them think you’re not human?”

                “I’m sorry that you don’t understand,” Buffy offered meekly. “I really wish you did. But these are the choices I have to make.”

                _And she knows her job is about to get harder._

                “I wish I could change your mind, but I don’t think I can.” Willow moved her hands to Buffy’s hips and rested her head on the Slayer’s shoulder. Taking a deep breath, Willow decided to change directions. “So – so what does this mean for us? Do you wanna break up?”

                “What?” Willow’s head slipped from Buffy’s shoulder as the Slayer turned to look her in the face. “No. Please no! Oh God, Willow, please don’t say that.” She wrapped her arms tightly around the redhead. “Please don’t.”

                “That’s not what I meant,” Willow assured her softly. “I was just asking.”

                “You’re the scariest girlfriend in the world,” Buffy complained. “I just meant – we should probably tone down the P.D.A.’s. And that we should sleep in separate rooms.”

                “And what about times like now? Me and you in a locked room.”

                “Less of,” Buffy answered frankly. “But we can do the thinking more. Every night before we go to bed, okay?”

                “Okay.”

                “I really want this to work,” Buffy said with an understated desperation in her tone.

                “It will,” Willow assured her. “I mean, I disagree, but I’ll support you, Buffy. If it’s what you need. If you really think this is best, then I’ll go along with it.”

                “I’m sorry that I can’t give you more.”

                “No, don’t think like that,” Willow pleaded. “I love you, Buffy. Even when you have to be the Slayer, and even when I disagree with you, I love you.”

                “You keep bringin’ up the disagree part,” Buffy pointed out.

                “That would be my not-so-subtle attempt to emphasize that I disagree,” Willow confessed. “I think those girls need to see human-Buffy whether they know it or not. And I really wish we could just be together without other things getting in the way. But I love you anyway.”

                “I love you too. I really wish we didn’t disagree.”

                “So do I.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Okay,” Willow spoke to potential Slayer Kennedy as she laid out sheets on the couch, “so Annabelle can sleep down here, uh, Molly can sleep in Dawn’s room-”

                “Not if Dawn actually wants to sleep,” Kennedy interrupted. “Molly’ll talk her ear off.”

                “Okay then,” said Willow, “Molly down here, you with Dawn, and Annabelle in my room.”

                “Bad idea,” Kennedy countered. “Annabelle snores.”

                Willow passed the remaining sheets to Kennedy.

                “You wanna do the sleeping arrangements?” she asked in frustration.

                “Okay,” Kennedy said brightly as she started up the stairs. She turned around again. “You, uh, better not hog the covers,” she added before flashing a smile and turning away again.

                Willow stared after her, wide-eyed.

                ‘ _Damn_.’

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Buffy, oh my God!” Willow exclaimed as the Slayer entered Willow’s room, battered and bruised from her encounter with the Turok-Han. Buffy was already weary of the reaction, having just gotten similar from the three potentials in her kitchen. Willow sat up, hurriedly extricating herself from her sleeping bag.

                “Y-you let Kennedy have the bed?” Buffy questioned, glancing back and forth between the currently-empty bed and Willow fighting her way out of the sleeping bag. Willow glanced over at the bed, seeming slightly surprised by Kennedy’s absence at this early hour, but then remembering that the potentials had travelled from a different time zone and were probably still adjusting. Willow didn’t give it any further thought, focused fully on Buffy and her unexplained injuries.

                “Buffy, what happened?” Willow pressed. “You’re hurt.”

                “I’m fine, really.”

                “Buffy,” said Willow firmly.

                “Fought a demon,” said Buffy shortly, “it’s not the first time. Well, first with this kind. Some kind of Neanderthal of the vamps or something.”

                “But you’re okay?”

                “I’ll live,” Buffy qualified. “I-it’s still out there though.”

                “You’ll get it,” said Willow reassuringly. “I believe in you.”

                “Thanks,” Buffy answered.

                “I love you,” Willow told her warmly, spreading her arms as she stepped closer.

                “Don’t,” said Buffy quickly. “No hugs,” she explained.

                “Oh – right – sorry,” Willow responded, hands dropping to her sides.

                “I love you too,” Buffy added. “I’ve – gotta go to work soon, but… Well, I wanted to see you.”

                “I’m glad. I mean, I wanna support you. Really, I do. I’ve missed you though.”

                “It’s only been one night,” said Buffy levelly. “I’ve missed you too though.”

                “Do you think you might – change your mind?”

                “Will, please…” Buffy replied softly.

                “I’m sorry,” mumbled Willow. “I-I didn’t mean to push. I just wanna be with you, Buffy.”

                “Kinda banged up right now,” the Slayer reminded her.

                “I didn’t mean – that’s not – I mean, if we could have sex then, you know, yippee… But that’s not what I meant. I love you – and not just because you’re incredible in bed. I just wanna be close…” she reached for Buffy’s hand.

                “I didn’t think you only…” Buffy pulled her hand back before Willow could take it. “I should probably get to work.”

                “Buffy, wait,” Willow pleaded. “Can’t we just talk?”

                “I can’t right now,” said Buffy shortly. “I – I’m really gonna be late.”

                “Buffy,” Willow persisted as the Slayer turned toward the door, “you – you know I didn’t mean to – to hurt your feelings or anything, right?”

                “No,” replied Buffy gently, resisting the urge to turn around. “That’s not – I know you didn’t mean – you didn’t hurt – I really just – I need to work, okay?”

                “Okay… I love you,” she offered.

                “I love you too,” Buffy answered, fighting to keep her voice strong and steady. “I’ll see you later.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy surveyed her reflection sadly. She reached to unzip the sleeve of her blazer and examine the cuts and bruises still aching from her encounter with the Turok-Han, wincing as she did so.

                “Buffy, what happened?” said a gentle, caring, familiar voice.

                Buffy looked up at the mirror. She had thought she was in the school bathroom, but now she was fairly sure she was at home. When had that happened?

                “Uh,” she responded to her mother’s voice, “oh – it’s okay, Mom.”

                “I tried to warn you,” Joyce pointed out, “but – right. The last thing you need now is one of helpful Mom’s guilt trips. I’ll get you some ice.”

                “No,” said Buffy firmly. “Mom, I-I can’t.”

                “Buffy, you have to heal,” Joyce insisted.

                “I don’t’ have time,” argued the Slayer.

                “Are you worried about the sun going down?” Joyce guessed. “Because there’s some things you can’t control. The sun always goes down, the sun always comes up.”

                “Everyone’s counting on me,” Buffy reasoned.

                “Well, they do that,” Joyce admitted levelly, “and I’m sorry, Buffy, but these friends of yours put too much pressure on you. They always have.”

                “Something evil is coming,” said the Slayer.

                “Buffy, evil isn’t coming,” countered Joyce, “it’s already here. Evil is always here. Don’t you know? It’s everywhere.”

                “And I have to stop it.”

                “How are you gonna do that,” asked Joyce calmly.

                “I-I don’t know yet, but-”

                “Buffy,” Joyce interrupted, “no matter what your friends expect of you, evil is a part of us. All of us. It’s natural. And no one can stop that. No one can stop nature, not even-”

                Buffy inhaled sharply as she jerked awake.

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                “You’ll be okay,” Buffy said to the potential Slayers as they awaited sunset and the possible assault of the Turok-Han.

                “Okay or even better,” Willow added supportively. “It’s like our guarantee.” She caught Buffy’s eye. “Um, Buffy, I just, I want you to know that I’m really sorry for letting you down.”

                **_*What?*_** Buffy prompted mentally.

                “You know, here before with the magic going all ‘ahhh’ and me going all ‘eeee’ and everything going all ‘rrrr.’ I wanna support you. I wish I could help out,” she finished quietly.

                “We’ve been over this before, Will,” Buffy pointed out. “No one expects you to make everything right.”

                **_*Where’s this coming from, Will?*_**

                “Okay, so I can’t do everything,” Willow allowed, “but I should at least be able to do something. I have so much power, but when I try to use it-”

                “Don’t, okay? You don’t need to push yourself.”

                “Okay,” said the witch. “But – Buffy, no one should expect you to do everything either. Even if people expect it of you, that doesn’t – you shouldn’t have to do everything alone, Buffy. You need help. I know you and I know you’ll never admit it, but you need help.”

                **_*You do help me, Will,*_** Buffy mentally vowed. **_*I need your love more than I’ll ever need your magic.*_**

                “I-” Willow began, but stopped herself.

                **_*I love you,*_** Willow completed in her thoughts.

                “I’ll be okay,” Buffy said reassuringly. “Okay or better. It’s like my guarantee.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : Show Time


	6. Show Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow tries to support Buffy's decisions.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 6** : Show Time  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : One F-bomb. Other than that, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Willow tries to support Buffy’s decisions.

 **A/N** : I’m having a terrific day.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                “You don’t have to do this,” Kennedy told Willow.

                Buffy was out picking up another potential Slayer. It was late and most of the inhabitants of the house were trying to get some sleep. Willow lay on the floor with a sleeping bag and a pillow; Kennedy had the bed.

                “Flooring it,” Kennedy clarified. “In the bag. ‘Cause,” Kennedy patted the mattress, “nice big comfy bed right here. I mean, you ought to know. Your bed.”

                “Yeah, but no,” Willow answered. Yes to the comfy, no to the Kennedy. “I’m okay,” said the witch, assuring herself as well as Kennedy. “I just – I like it down here.” She patted the bag. “It’s firm.”

                Kennedy chuckled as Willow tried to get more comfortably positioned against her pillow.

                “Funny,” the brunette teased, “you look a little uncomfortable. Or…is it just me?”

                How was Willow supposed to tell this girl to back off? She didn’t want to be rude, especially to a potential Slayer, but Buffy didn’t want the potentials to know about her relationship with Willow. Buffy thought she needed to be more than human for these girls, beyond human emotions like fear…and apparently love too. Willow closed her eyes and took a deep breath before addressing Kennedy.

                “No,” she began. She hadn’t been keeping close track of their conversation, but lots of ‘no’s would probably come in handy. “I’m just, uh, uneasy ‘cause Buffy’s out.” Oops. That wasn’t too much though. Buffy was the Slayer and also Willow’s good friend. Why shouldn’t she be uneasy? Buffy had promised to do the thinking thing before they went to bed, but Buffy never slept…

                “Right,” Kennedy sounded doubtful. “How many girls arriving this time?”

                “Just one,” Willow replied, trying to stick to the conversation and get out of her own head. “But since Giles has the coven searching for other Slayers-in-waiting to send ‘em our way, I bet we’ll be seeing a lot more soon enough.”

                Kennedy continued to stare at Willow as she snuggled up closer to her pillow, face positioned at the foot of the bed.

                “So, you’re saying I should enjoy having this bed all to myself as long as I can?” the potential Slayer questioned.

                “It is starting to get crowded around here.” More houseguests equated to less Buffy. Why couldn’t Buffy see Willow’s point of view? She was supposed to cut herself off in front of the enemy; these girls were her allies. But Willow wasn’t the Slayer and so Buffy couldn’t take her opinion seriously on Slayer stuff. Willow rolled over to face away from Kennedy.

                _She can’t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind._

                “Totally,” said Kennedy. What had they been talking about? “And with this many girls,” crowded, that was it, “well, I’m just saying if we don’t get another bathroom in this house soon, things are gonna get ugly.”

                There was a pause. Willow was supposed to say something now. Crowded. Ugly bathrooms; that took her to a scary visual place. Conversation. Kennedy. Kennedy who was trying to hit on her. Maybe she just wouldn’t answer. Maybe Kennedy would think she’d fallen asleep. She couldn’t sleep though. The uncomfortable sleeping bag was only a small obstacle compared to Buffy. A single tear slipped down her cheek as her thoughts turned to Buffy. Being supportive was hard.

                “You don’t really expect me to believe you fell asleep already?” Kennedy prompted.

                Willow didn’t answer. She didn’t have an answer. What was with this girl? Was the cold shoulder not an accepted gesture anymore?

                “Come on,” Kennedy persisted, “talk to me a little. I’m still not used to the time difference.”

                Maybe another gesture, but that would be rude. She really didn’t want to be rude to this woman; she just wanted her to understand that flirting was out of the question. She had a girlfriend…even if she couldn’t tell anyone that. Xander had agreed with Willow’s feelings when she told him about Buffy’s decision. Willow wanted to support Buffy though, so Xander had pledged to keep it quiet. Dawn had taken some convincing, but Willow eventually offered to do the teen’s household chores in exchange for her silence. Anya had promised only to not bring up the subject, but made no guarantees if the topic came up of its own accord.

                “Willow,” Kennedy whined. “Come on, please. What’s your story? I mean, witchcraft? That sounds new-agey.”

                Maybe rude gestures shouldn’t be ruled out so soon. But that was anger, a reflex, not the best way to approach any situation.

                “I’m trying to sleep,” Willow tried softly.

                “Come on, show me a trick,” Kennedy requested. “Pull a rabbit out of a hat or something.”

                “You should be trying to sleep too,” the witch mumbled listlessly.

                “Hey, if I wanted to sleep, I’d be downstairs catching Z’s with the other girls.”

                Sexual implications. This girl was really crap with signals.

                “Stop it,” said Willow bluntly.

                “Come on, it’s just you and me. Open up a little.”

                Open up. She had tried to get Buffy to open up.

                _You think you’re helping her by getting in touch with her feelings?_

                She and Buffy should be opening up together right now, but instead she was stuck trying to come up with a way to get Kennedy to back off.

                “You’re not one of those chicks who’s ashamed, are you?”

                Ashamed. More tears. Stupid, stubborn things. Nothing was listening to Willow tonight. Not Kennedy, not her tears, and not Buffy. Buffy wasn’t ashamed. She said she wasn’t ashamed. It was about being the Slayer. So why hadn’t she told Spike? No. Buffy wasn’t ashamed. Willow trusted Buffy. If they didn’t have trust, then what else would there be? Stupid tears. Tears weren’t supposed to be there when she was sure of herself.

                “Just not interested,” Willow half-whispered, knowing her voice would betray her if she spoke too loudly.

                “Okay, now once more, with feeling,” said Kennedy.

                “Just stop it!” Willow insisted.

                “Willow?”

                Damn.

                “Willow, are you okay?” Concern. Damn. Stupid tears. Stupid voice. “A-are you crying?”

                “Leave it.” Stupid shaking.

                “Willow.” More concern. Bedsprings creaking.

                “No.”

                The potential Slayer pulled Willow close to her in a hug.

                “Let me go,” Willow said thickly.

                “No,” Kennedy responded firmly. “You’re hurting, Willow.”

                “I don’t need-”

                “Yes you do.”

                “Not from you.”

                “Why not?” Kennedy asked calmly.

                “Because you want more,” Willow said flatly.

                “That’s my problem,” Kennedy countered. “Let me help you, okay? Why are you crying?”

                “None of your business,” Willow snapped. “Let go.”

                “Don’t bottle it up, Willow.”

                “This is _not_ your concern,” Willow retorted coldly. “You’ve known me for, like, ten seconds and you expect me to open up to you?”

                “I’m sorry,” Kennedy said quickly. “I didn’t mean to offend you or anything. I mean – you’re not crying over me, right? It wasn’t something I said?”

                “How self-centered are you?”

                “What? I was just asking,” Kennedy defended. “I wanna help you with this if I can. I hate seeing pretty girls cry.”

                “Stop that!” Willow argued. “Stop trying to flirt with me; I’m not interested.”

                “Well, I still wish you would feel better,” Kennedy responded.

                “Please let go of me,” Willow said tonelessly.

                “Tell me why,” Kennedy requested.

                “Let go.”

                “Why?”

                “I said let go!” Kennedy flew backwards, knocking her head and lower back against the foot of the bed. “Still want me to show you a trick?” Willow asked scathingly.

                “Willow!” screamed the potential Slayer.

                _The power is bigger than you are… You're not gonna be okay. You're gonna kill everybody._

                Power. Power. Stop. Power. Stop. Stop. Stop.

                “I’m sorry,” Willow said quickly, wrapping her arms around herself. “I-I didn’t mean to.”

                “I’m okay,” Kennedy grunted as she got to her feet. “Why are you smiling?” she added.

                Willow straightened her face and sank back into her pillow.

                “Maybe you should just go to sleep,” said the witch.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Maybe we can save the maybes for a more dayish part of the day, girls,” Xander said to the chattering potential Slayers in the living room as he turned on a lamp. “Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I’m no good without my usual ninety minutes.”

                “I’m with him,” Andrew added from his chair in the corner of the room. “Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you. I’m bored. Episode One bored.”

                The front door opened and Buffy entered, along with the newest potential Slayer.

                “You guys are still up?” she questioned.

                **_*You up?*_** she tried tentatively, not wanting to disturb Willow if she was sleeping peacefully.

                **_*Yes,*_** came the reply almost instantly; she had waited up. **_*I miss you.*_**

                **_*We’ll talk in a minute, okay?*_**

                **_*Okay.*_**

                **_*I love you, Will.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                “Ah! Who needs sleep?” said Xander, grinning widely.

                “Everybody, this is Rona,” she introduced the girl with a gesture. They all mumbled greetings.

                “Um…” Rona began, “why is that guy tied to a chair?”

                “The question you’ll soon be asking is, ‘Why isn’t he gagged?’” said Xander with a smirk.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy sank onto her bed, fully dressed, too exhausted to bother with much of anything.

                **_*I love you, Willow,*_** she reaffirmed.

                **_*I love you too,*_** Willow replied just as quickly as before. **_*I wish I was with you.*_**

                **_*Me too.*_**

                **_*This is good though,*_** Willow assured her supportively. **_*I’m glad you’re home.*_**

                **_*It’s good to hear your voice. Well, your thought-voice anyway,*_** Buffy amended.

                **_*Everything go okay?*_**

                **_*She had a welcoming committee,*_** Buffy informed the witch. **_*Bringers.*_**

                **_*So The First knows,*_** Willow realized.

                **_*It was only a matter of time,*_** Buffy reasoned. **_*Still not exactly comforting though.*_**

                **_*I wish I could comfort you.*_**

                **_*You already are.*_**

                **_*I wish I could touch you,*_** Willow lamented.

                **_*You could always – pretend you’re touching me…it’s harder to make thoughts sound suggestive.*_**

                **_*Suggestive?*_**

                **_*You think it, I do it,*_** Buffy offered. **_*Or the other way around if you wanna go first.*_**

                **_*I’m not gonna touch myself with Kennedy in the room.*_**

                **_*Is my wicked witch a chicken?*_** Buffy teased.

                **_*Buffy, she’s still awake,*_** Willow pointed out.

                **_*Oh…how do you know?*_**

                **_*She keeps looking over at me.*_**

                **_*Creepy,*_** Buffy commented. **_*Maybe she should start sleeping downstairs with the rest of them.*_**

                **_*So…do you still want me to touch you?*_**

                **_*I don’t wanna leave you high and dry.*_**

                **_*I don’t think dry’s gonna be an issue, sweetie,*_** Willow answered.

                **_*You know what I mean. I don’t wanna be greedy.*_**

                **_*I’m stroking your hair,*_** Willow began.

                **_*Will…*_**

                **_*Let me do this for you, Buffy,*_** Willow insisted. **_*I promise, I enjoy anything I can do for you. I love you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                **_*I’m stroking your hair.*_**

                **_*Feels nice.*_**

                **_*Yeah?*_**

                **_*…No.*_**

                **_*What?*_**

                **_*I’m sorry, Will. This sounded better on paper, but it’s not really working for me.*_**

                **_*Oh…*_**

                **_*I wish you were in the room with me.*_**

                **_*You’re the only reason I’m not, Buffy. I’d be in there in a second if you said it was okay.*_**

                **_*I can’t…I wanna say yes to you, but I just can’t.*_**

                _You think Buffy needs you? … She can’t do her job…_

                Silence.

                **_*You still there, Will?*_**

                **_*Yeah…*_**

                **_*I love you.*_**

                **_*I love – oh fuck off, Kennedy!*_**

                **_*What?*_**

                **_*Sorry…didn’t mean to broadcast that one.*_**

                **_*What’s going on?*_**

                **_*Nothing, she just keeps trying to talk to me…I love you too,*_** the witch completed her earlier thought.

                **_*You seem kinda pissed. You sure you’re alright?*_**

                **_*I’m fine…she – just gets under my skin a little. Earlier she was asking me to do magic tricks.*_**

                **_*We can put her downstairs if she’s bothering you.*_**

                **_*No, it’s fine. I’ll deal with it.*_**

                **_*You sure?*_**

                **_*You don’t need any more on your plate. Kennedy’s just a minor problem. It’ll probably clear up once she adjusts to the time difference.*_**

                **_*I’m sorry she’s bugging you.*_**

                **_*Don’t worry about it, okay? … I don’t want you to worry…*_**

                **_*Try to get some sleep, okay?*_**

                **_*What about you?*_** Willow prompted.

                **_*Probably not.*_**

                **_*I wish you would.*_**

                **_*Maybe after we deal with the NeanderVamp…I just can’t let go right now.*_**

                **_*…I wish I could help you.*_**

                **_*You_ do _, remember? You give me strength, Will.*_**

                **_*I love you, Buffy. I love you so much.*_**

                **_*I love you too. It’s so hard to be away from you.*_**

                **_*…You know what I wanna say.*_**

                **_*…Try to sleep.*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy was in her element, performing as the hero. The Turok-Han fought hard, but she wouldn’t be deterred. Willow could see the superhuman power in every blow. This was the reason for everything; Buffy needed for the girls to see this side of her.

                “This,” Dawn said suddenly. Willow turned to see the teen facing her. “You planned this. Letting the barrier fail, bringing us here – you and Buffy.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Honestly,” Molly said softly, “you staked that thing – and it didn’t die.”

                “No, but that doesn’t-” Dawn defended.

                “Maybe it can’t be killed,” Vi suggested timidly.

                **_*Willow, can you hear me?*_** Buffy prompted with her thoughts.

                **_*Of course I can,*_** Willow answered.

                **_*We’re losing them. We can’t let that happen. I have an idea. Grab Xander,*_** she added as she moved toward the kitchen.

                **_*Xander,*_** Willow thought softly.

                “What?” he answered aloud, staring around in confusion. Willow suppressed the urge to chuckle as she walked out of the room. “I just thought it beared repeating,” he assured the group awkwardly before following.

                **_*I gotta slay the NeanderVamp to get Spike out of that cave,*_** Buffy began, ** _*but I need those girls to see me do it.*_**

                **_*I get it,*_** Willow assured her readily, **_*but this isn’t the best venue for a smackdown.*_**

                They paused in thought.

                **_*I know just the place,*_** Xander supplied.

                **_*Where at?*_** Buffy asked.

                **_*Site for the new public library. It’s more like an open arena than anything right now.*_**

                **_*Sounds good. Now for the hard part,*_** Buffy warned. **_*You guys have to let me fight this thing.*_**

                **_*I wasn’t exactly planning on trading blows with it,*_** Xander pointed out.

                **_*I mean it though,*_** Buffy insisted. **_*Don’t help me out.*_** She looked into Willow’s eyes. **_*The girls need to see me take this thing on.*_**

                **_*Which is all well and good, but what if something goes wrong?*_** Xander asked.

                **_*Then you wait until I make it right,*_** Buffy replied. **_*You wait until the last possible minute and then you wait one more minute. I’m lookin’ at you, Will. I know this is gonna be hard for you.*_**

                **_*Don’t worry about me,*_** Willow dismissed. **_*Do what you need to do; I’ll support you.*_**

                **_*I love you, Will.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                **_*It’s that look!*_** Xander interrupted. The girls turned. **_*Sorry. I just – you guys have done this before. The telepathy thing,*_** he clarified. **_*I mean, obviously you used to it to us all the time,*_** he nodded toward Willow, **_*but you guys have been doing it recently, right?*_**

                **_*Yeah,*_** Buffy informed him. **_*Good relationships are all about communication, right?*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “A knife now, is it?”

                Spike was chained to the wall of the cave, bruised, bloodied, and scarred, but alive. Or at least undead. Buffy moved forward with the Bringer’s knife.

                “What’ll…what’ll that…” Spike mumbled disjointedly. “You – you can’t hurt me. You’re – you’re just a bloody figment, you are. You’re just…” He trailed off as Buffy began cutting his ties. His hand fell onto her shoulder and he searched her face intently.

                “You,” he muttered. “Oh.”

                “It’s me,” Buffy assured him. “And I’m sorry, but you were wrong about not hurting you.” The vampire gave no reply. “I can and I probably will,” she said sadly. “Because there’s something I need you to know before I take you back.”

                “I know about Willow,” he told her.

                “You – what?” Buffy searched his swollen eyes.

                “You’re together, right? You and her?”

                “How did you know?” Spike sniffed once in reply. “Why didn’t you say-”

                “Thought it’d be easier that way, pet,” he answered softly. “I know, okay? Can we leave the rest for later?”

                “Yeah.” Buffy shifted to support Spike’s weight. “Come on.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                **_*Honey, I’m home,*_** Buffy thought as she entered the house.

                **_*Hey,*_** Willow greeted her. **_*Everything alright?*_**

                **_*He’s pretty banged up,*_** answered the Slayer. **_*I’m taking him down to the basement.*_**

                **_*You’re gonna chain him up?*_**

                **_*His plan…makes sense though. We still haven’t gotten anywhere with the trigger. I’m gonna get him some water and some blood.*_**

                **_*Want me to come down?*_** Willow offered.

                **_*You can if you want,*_** Buffy replied.

                **_*Really?*_**

                **_*He knows.*_**

                There was a pause.

                **_*You told him?*_** Willow prompted.

                **_*I started to,*_** Buffy responded, **_*and then he said he already knew.*_**

                **_*But he knows?*_**

                **_*Yeah.*_**

                **_*I’ll be down in just a sec. I can get the blood and stuff while you work with the shackles.*_**

                **_*So glad neither one of us had to say that out loud,*_** Buffy thought back. **_*You don’t mind getting the blood though?*_**

                **_*I’d do anything for you, Buffy.*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : Potential


	7. Potential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy tries to sort out her feelings.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 7** : Potential  
 **Rating** : NC-17  
 **Warnings** : Explicit femslash. A few F-bombs. Other than that, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy tries to sort out her feelings.

 **A/N** : These updates will be coming quicker, I promise.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                “Rona, what did your instincts tell you to do just then?”

                Buffy, Spike, and a gaggle of potential Slayers were gathered in a graveyard. Spike had been very accommodating about the whole thing. The girls needed to be trained and what could be better than a real vampire?

                “Block his attack, keep him off balance,” Rona listed off dryly, “gain the advantage…”

                “No,” Buffy countered. “They didn’t.”

                “They told me to run,” Rona admitted frankly.

                “Vi?” Buffy prompted.

                “They told me to run,” she confirmed, rubbing her wrist and glancing toward the other potential Slayers and then back at Spike. “They’re still sort of telling me to run.”

                “Don’t fight on his terms,” Buffy instructed the group. “Your gut’s telling you to run, run. Okay? Regain the higher ground. Make the fight your own. Spike,” she turned to face him, “what did your instincts tell you to do just then?”

                “Hunt,” the vampire answered hungrily. “Kill.”

                “Come at me,” Buffy told him as she stepped out in front of the girls, “full speed.” Spike raised his eyebrows and smirked. “He needs to kill to live,” Buffy said to the potentials. “That tells you everything you need to know.”

                Spike growled as he lunged forward. Buffy ducked the attack, using his own momentum to send him crashing into a headstone. Pressing the advantage, Buffy pinned him to the ground, one hand at his throat and the other holding a stake to his heart.

                “Instinct,” she called out to the girls. “Understand his, but trust yours. You were chosen for a reason.” Spike groaned softly. “Are you okay?” Buffy released his throat.

                “I’m…fine,” Spike answered. “Couple of ribs ain’t set right since – I’m fine.”

                “Let me see,” Buffy requested, lifting his shirt.

                “No, it’s just-”

                “Spike.”

                They both froze for a second as her warm hand met his cold skin. Spike pulled her hand away.

                “I’m gonna be okay,” he said pointedly.

                “That’s hot,” Rona pointed out.

                Molly looked up from her notepad with an inquisitive look on her face.

                “So, we’re supposed to, like, make out with them or something?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Do people ever think you’re weird?”

                Buffy was in her office at school. A girl named Amanda was seated across from her, seeking advice.

                “Um,” Buffy blinked dazedly, unsettled by the question, “I guess. Sure, in a charming, endearing, loveable… Yeah.”

                “I feel like people think I’m weird,” Amanda explained, “and so they pick on me. But I might be – weird.”

                “Amanda, why do you think that you’re weird?” Buffy asked sensitively.

                “One of the boys who picks on me, I kind of – See, if a guy picks on you, is it weird to think he’s cute?”

                Score one for the Hellmouth, always hits close to home.

                “Oh,” Buffy sighed.

                “It’s just, the last few times I’ve seen him, I’ve wanted to, you know, pick on him…extra. More.”

                This was getting awkward fast.

                “Uh-huh,” Buffy said with a nervous laugh.

                “The thing is, I can’t tell.” Amanda shifted uncomfortably. “My mom says when a guy teases you, it means he likes you.”

                “Sometimes that’s true,” Buffy said with a nod, having learned from experience that absolutes were seldom if ever the correct way to approach a situation.

                “Is it weird?” Amanda was craving some sort of validation. “We’re mean to each other – and we like each other.”

                “Well, it depends,” Buffy began. “Sometimes that’s how people relate. Being mean to each other.” She thought of Xander and Cordelia all those years ago. “Even mortal enemies…” Her and Spike. But that hadn’t been a healthy thing. “Then with the – and that leads to no good, absolutely no good. And much confusion. A-and then it’s over. Absolutely, seriously, definitely over. And that’s confusing too. The over part. Which it is. Over!” Buffy realized that this was entirely too much over-identification. “So, maybe,” she finished with an encouraging smile.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Thanks for coming,” Buffy greeted as Willow entered the office.

                “You sounded kinda urgent on the phone,” Willow noted. “What’s up?”

                “Urgent,” Buffy confirmed. She grasped Willow’s hand and led her right back out of the office again. Classes were in session so the halls were clear. “Good word, urgent.”

                “Buffy, what is it?” Willow sounded concerned. “Is it something with the Seal? Should I have brought-”

                “Not the Seal,” Buffy answered quickly as she marched purposefully through the halls.

                “So, what is it?”

                “Nerves,” Buffy told her. “Nerves and…”

                **_*And horniness,*_** she added mentally.

                Willow raised her eyebrows. They had stopped in front of a broom closet. Buffy opened the door and pulled her in.

                “God, Will, I hate being away from you,” Buffy panted. They started kissing, desperately passionate and needy. Buffy backed Willow into the door.

                “Ow,” the witch expressed. Buffy froze. “Doorknob,” Willow explained.

                “Right, light switch,” Buffy muttered, feeling the wall. A fluorescent bulb flickered to life overhead. “It’s so good to see you.”

                Their lips met again. Buffy’s right hand started stroking Willow’s hair and the left was on her lower back, holding the witch close. Willow was breathing heavily through her nose, every exhale playing softly across the Slayer’s cheek. The redhead’s hands moved to the top of Buffy’s black shirt and she began unbuttoning it.

                “Willow, wait.” Buffy grasped Willow’s wrists to stop her.

                “Gah!” Willow replied in frustration.

                “Just a second, okay?” Buffy assured her as they both caught their breath. “It’s just, before we do this – I feel like I need to confess something.”

                “Confess?” Willow questioned. “Buffy, what is it?”

                A timid expression entered the blonde girl’s face, so unlike the Slayer, a look of pure Buffy.

                “Spike’s really fucking hot,” the blonde blurted out.

                “Okay…” Willow responded.

                “Okay?” asked Buffy. “Just like that?”

                “Buffy – how am I supposed to be interpreting this?”

                “Face value,” the Slayer assured her.

                “Then okay,” said Willow. “Spike’s hot. Can we get back to kissing now?” The witch tried to move her hands, but Buffy held them in place.

                “I’m having trouble – reconciling,” Buffy decided. “Reconciling the hotness and the caring about him in a friendly way. I mean, emotionally I don’t want him, but physically… And I’ve been having – thoughts – really wrong thoughts about him. And about you,” she added quickly. “And some with both of you.”

                “Buffy, what are you trying to say?” Willow requested gently. “Three-way?”

                “No,” Buffy answered immediately. “God, no. I didn’t mean it like that.”

                “I didn’t think you did,” said Willow with a smile. “I figured I should ask though.”

                “I just – I didn’t wanna not tell you.”

                “And I’m glad you did,” Willow said reassuringly. “It’s okay if you find other people attractive. I mean, you’re not gonna do anything with him, right?”

                “Of course not,” said Buffy promptly. “It’s just confusing. And I wanted to tell you about it.”

                “Okay,” Willow repeated. “You can tell me anything, Buffy.”

                “Sometimes when we’re training, I’ll be demonstrating moves and I kinda get the urge to tear his shirt off.”

                “Maybe it’s just been too long since you’ve – scratched that itch,” Willow suggested.

                “I’m glad you said it,” Buffy admitted.

                “So maybe you should let me scratch it,” Willow tugged against Buffy’s hands again.

                “Willow, I just – you know it’s not only because I’m horny, right? It’s also because I love you.”

                “I know that, Buffy,” said Willow calmly. “I love you too.”

                Buffy released Willow’s hands and they started kissing again. Three buttons down, Willow began stroking the tops of Buffy’s breasts.

                “I love you,” Buffy panted as the witch moved to her neck.

                “Turn, baby,” Willow mumbled. They reversed positions so that Buffy was leaning against the door. “You’re gonna need that when your legs start shaking,” Willow vowed.

                “Promises, promises,” Buffy teased.

                Willow moved up, following the Slayer’s jaw line and then kissing behind her ear. Soft moans escaped Buffy’s lips. One hand slipped beneath Buffy’s bra, cupping her right breast. Buffy had one hand against the door on the other on Willow’s waist, trying desperately to suppress her moans.

                “Can you sound proof this room or something?” Buffy asked.

                “Not without raiding the chem-lab,” answered the witch.

                “Fuck,” Buffy lamented as Willow planted soft kisses on her neck.

                “Getting there,” Willow assured her.

                Willow’s kisses reached Buffy’s chest and she undid another button on the shirt. She didn’t want to take off the bra; they were in a public closet after all. Pushing the cups up, Willow’s tongue teased against the right nipple. Her right hand was gently squeezing the other breast and her left went for the button on Buffy’s pants.

                “Ahh,” Buffy inhaled sharply as Willow’s hand pushed against the front of her panties. Willow liked the feel of the silky material under her hand and Buffy liked the way it felt against her body. “Ohh yes,” she encouraged. Willow kissed her way down Buffy’s stomach, pushing her pants slowly down her thighs as she went along.

                “Hey,” said Willow as she got on eye-level with Buffy’s waist. “Are these mine?” Buffy wore purple panties made of silk and lace.

                “Yes,” Buffy replied.

                “You’re kinky,” Willow teased.

                “This from the girl who wants to have sex at the Doublemeat Palace so we can use the ice cream machine,” Buffy quipped.

                “Buffy, we’re in the high school,” Willow pointed out. “Deal with that for a minute.” She quickly pulled the panties down to Buffy’s knees.

                “Ahh,” the Slayer moaned softly as Willow began kissing her inner right thigh. “Oh, Will.” The witch’s right index finger was tracing along Buffy’s labia.

                “Wow,” Willow commented. “It’s definitely been too long.” Her kisses moved inward as her left hand crept up Buffy’s right thigh.

                “Ohh, God yes,” Buffy groaned as Willow lapped at her clit. “Ohh, GOD yes,” she added as the witch gently stroked the spot where her thigh joined her torso. “Ah, ah, ahhh.” Shuddering and writhing, Buffy fought the urge to pound her fist against the door. Gently, Willow pushed a finger into Buffy’s moist opening, relishing the warmth that greeted her. “Sooo good,” Buffy complimented. “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too,” the witch answered quickly, before returning to the task at hand. Her finger stroked and pressed against various parts of the Slayer’s internal walls, each spot earning a different sound. Buffy was pressing both hands flat against the door, trying to contain her reactions as much as was possible.

                “You were right,” the Slayer told her lover.

                “Hm?”

                “Door was a good ideeea!” She arched as Willow crooked her finger. The meaning of the gesture was not lost on either of them: come here. “Almost there,” Buffy announced. Willow rapidly moved her tongue up and down in response. “Oh yes!” Buffy praised. “Please, please, please, please – ahhh! God! Guh! Ahhh!” She shuddered violently and Willow held her firmly against the door.

                “Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God,” Buffy chanted as the waves of pleasure pulsed through her system.

                “Did you forget my name?” Willow teased.

                “Are you – are you sure it’s not God?” Buffy asked with a smile.

                “No,” said Willow as she stood. “I’m your Willow, remember.”

                “And I’m your Buffy,” the blonde replied readily.

                “I love my Buffy.”

                “And I love my Willow.” The Slayer leaned forward and captured the witch’s lips hungrily, her need for closeness overwhelming everything else in her mind. She wrapped both arms around her lover and held her tightly. Just as she grasped the bottom of the witch’s shirt, there was a knock on the closet door.

                “Hey, who’s in there?” A gruff male voice called from the other side.

                “Shit!” Buffy whispered, quickly rearranging her clothing.

                Willow grasped the doorknob and pulled it open as Buffy finished her last button.

                “Who’re you?” the man demanded. Willow assumed he must be the janitor, why else would he be trying to get into the closet.

                “Um, I’m…”

                “We were…” Buffy tried to think of a good excuse.

                “Miss Summers,” the man recognized her, “why are you in the closet?”

                Willow suppressed a giggle.

                “We were just – I was…”

                “Sick,” Willow supplied.

                “Sick,” Buffy seized the word like a lifeline. “I, um, threw up. I threw up in the bathroom and I was looking for something to clean it up.”

                “And you locked the door?” the man questioned.

                “I-I just closed it behind me,” Willow lied quickly. “I didn’t realize I’d locked it.”

                “Next time just get a janitor,” the man grumbled in frustration, pushing past them and into the closet. “First frog dissection, now this,” he complained as he gathered supplies.

                Willow and Buffy slipped quietly out of the closet and made their way back down the hall.

                **_*Will, I’m really sorry,*_** Buffy thought as they headed for the office.

                **_*What for?*_** Willow thought back.

                **_*I was gonna do you too.*_**

                **_*Try not to worry about it,*_** Willow answered. **_*We’ll get around to it.*_**

                **_*I hate that I have to get around to you, Will. You know that, right?*_**

                **_*Yes,*_** Willow assured her. **_*I understand that sometimes you have to do things even if you don’t want to. It’s okay, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I just want you to know that you’re important to me.*_**

                **_*I love you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                “Buffy,” a voice called from behind her. The Slayer turned.

                “Principal Wood,” she greeted cheerily.

                “I’ve been looking for you,” he informed her. “There are a couple of students waiting in your office.”

                “Sorry,” Buffy said quickly. “I stepped out for a minute.”

                “I think I know what this is.” A look of realization crossed his face. “You’re still feeling sick aren’t you?”

                “Yeah,” Buffy answered with an air of confession. “I thought I was okay to work, but it just sorta came over me. I had Will bring me some medicine though,” she said with a glance at the redhead. “I should be okay to get through the rest of the day. This is Willow, by the way. Willow Rosenberg. She and I went to the old school together.”

                “Nice to meet you, Willow,” said the Principal, extending a hand. Willow started forward with her right hand, but quickly changed to the left, causing the Principal to awkwardly offer his other hand. “I’m Robin Wood.”

                “Willow, like she said.” The witch pointed at Buffy. “Nice to meet you too.”

                “Now, Buffy,” said Wood as he released Willow’s hand, “two students in your office, if you could.”

                “I’m on the case,” Buffy answered with a nod.

                **_*I’ll see you at home, okay?*_** she thought to Willow.

                **_*Okay. I love you.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Oh, oh, oh,” Willow whimpered, pressing herself against the fingers that were invading her body. “Yes, yes, oh.” Her hips rocked urgently, getting closer with every second.

                “Hey, what’s up with the – woops.” Kennedy stood in the doorway holding a coat hanger and looking embarrassed.

                “God damn it!” Willow raged, quickly pulling her hand out of her pants.

                “Really?” Kennedy questioned, waving the coat hanger.

                “Signals must be different where you’re from,” Willow complained. “I’m gonna have to get Xander to put a lock on that door.” She frowned to herself.

                “You could just do it in the bathroom like the rest of us,” said Kennedy bluntly.

                “I’m assuming you’re here for a reason,” Willow questioned, ignoring the suggestion.

                “Phone’s for you,” the potential Slayer informed her. “Cordless is dead so you’ll have to take it downstairs.”

                “Is it Buffy?” Willow asked.

                “No.”

                “Tell them to call back later.”

                “It’s Althenea.”

                “Fuck,” Willow whispered as she got off the bed.

                “Maybe later,” Kennedy offered.

                “No,” Willow said bluntly. “That was the expletive, not the verb.”

                “If you say so,” the brunette teased.

                “Give it up, Kennedy,” Willow told her as she straightened her shirt.

                “So, are you gonna go get that phone?”

                “I’m coming,” Willow griped.

                “Maybe later,” Kennedy repeated.

                “I wish you’d stop that.”

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 **Next Chapter** : The Killer in Me


	8. The Killer in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow clears the air with Kennedy. Spike's chip misfires, leaving Buffy with a difficult decision.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 8** : The Killer in Me  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Willow clears the air with Kennedy. Spike’s chip misfires, leaving Buffy with a difficult decision.

 **A/N** : This one was pretty challenging. Considering how much of this episode had already been undermined by ‘Close to the Chest,’ it was hard to stitch the remaining pieces together. I’ve discovered that I’m very canon-whipped.

 **A/N2** : Breaking slightly from my policy of, “If I don’t hit the scene in the fic, assume that scene is unchanged.” Now revised to: any scenes featuring Willow and/or Kennedy that are not included in the fic (i.e. All the smooching and the Warren and Amy stuff) should be considered erased.

 **A/N3** : If you’re wondering about the Amy storyline that was originally in this episode, you need to read (or re-read) the prequel fic ‘Close to the Chest’ in which that story played out with Buffy as the catalyst instead of Kennedy.

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                “And then,” Giles said to Buffy, “apparently, someone told them that the vision quest consists of me driving them to the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky Rasta-mama Slayer arrives and speaks to them in riddles.” He looked accusingly at Buffy.

                “That’s not exactly how I put it,” Buffy said with an innocent look on her face. “I…” she paused as Willow came downstairs and entered the room. “Hey, how’s Kennedy?”

                “Still fluey,” Willow answered sadly. “Bummed about missing the field trip.” She turned to Giles. “She says she wants you to meditate extra hard for her and bring her back some S’mores,” she finished with a grin and a giggle.

                **_*You know, I’m starting to get a little worried about her,*_** thought Buffy to Willow.

                “Ah yes. S’mores.”

                **_*Don’t,*_** Willow advised. **_*You’ve got enough to deal with. I can handle one flu patient.*_**

                “I’m going to end up singing campfire songs, aren’t I?”

                “Oh yeah,” Buffy told Giles with a smile.

                **_*That’s not what I meant,*_** Buffy thought back.

                The front door opened and Xander marched in, followed by Dawn.

                “Giles, you might wanna get out there,” Xander announced.

                **_*I mean, you said she tries to talk to you and stuff,*_** Buffy continued.

                “Oh God, what?” Giles asked with dread.

                **_*What if she’s like – trying to seduce you or something?*_**

                “Molly and Rona are fighting over who gets to drive the first leg,” Dawn informed Giles.

                “Bet you wish you’d renewed that California state driver’s license now, huh?” Buffy quipped.

                **_*I’ll set her straight if it becomes an issue,*_** thought Willow as Anya entered through the still open front door. **_*Well, not straight, I guess. Just – gay, but – not for me.*_**

                “Rona won,” Anya told them. “You should probably let Molly out of the trunk.”

                **_*Try not to worry too much, okay?*_** Willow added. **_*I love you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I love you too,*_** Buffy replied readily.

                “I never actually realized just how compact Molly is,” Anya continued as she walked into the kitchen.

                Giles sighed.

                “Please be safe while I’m away,” he told Buffy and Willow.

                “You too,” said Buffy.

                They both waited for the sound of tires treading pavement, moving away from the house.

                **_*Oh, thank God they’re all gone,*_** Buffy thought.

                “You know you can talk out loud,” Willow pointed out.

                “Oh yeah,” Buffy realized.

                “And not all gone,” the witch reminded her. “Flu patient, remember?” She pointed toward the ceiling.

                “Still easier to duck one of them than fifteen,” Buffy replied as she stood.

                “True,” Willow acknowledged.

                “Come here,” Buffy said with a smile. “I wanna tell you something.” Willow stepped closer and they shared a brief kiss. “I love you,” said the Slayer happily.

                “I love you too.”

                “It’s so nice to say it out loud,” Buffy commented. “I just hope Kennedy really is sick.”

                “Guess you wouldn’t want her listening around a corner or something,” said Willow.

                “I’d hear her coming,” Buffy said reassuringly. “Which reminds me, I was gonna check on Spike.”

                “Want me to come with?” Willow offered.

                “You can if you want. I should only be a minute though. Just wanna make sure he hasn’t been seeing spooks or anything.”

                “Okay,” Willow answered. “Maybe I’ll head up to your room and – slip into something more comfortable.”

                “Wouldn’t your comfy clothes be in your room?” Buffy questioned.

                “Well, maybe I’ll slip into nothing,” suggested the redhead.

                “Wicked witch is wicked,” said Buffy as they kissed. “I’ll be up as soon as I can.”

                Willow hummed tunelessly to herself as she moved slowly toward the stairs. She was thrilled at the prospect of finally spending some real quality time with Buffy. Their tryst in the school broom closet felt like ages ago and Willow was craving Buffy, both physically and emotionally. Her body and soul felt warm and safe for the first time in a long while as she placed her hand on the doorknob to Buffy’s room.

                **_*Willow!*_**

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                “Hey,” Willow greeted somberly as Buffy came into the kitchen. The random misfiring of Spike’s chip was not a happy circumstance for anyone. “How is he?”

                “In the ‘goes’ part of ‘come and goes’,” said Buffy as she had a seat.

                “Well, there seems to be a definite lack of screaming,” Willow pointed out. “That has to be good.”

                “You’d think,” Buffy sighed. “Will, how much do you know about the chip?”

                “Well, I remember trying to dig up stuff back then, but, you know, turns out, when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don’t really build websites. Why?”

                “Even with the chip, Spike was able to hurt all those people when he was brainwashed.”

                “Yeah,” Willow acknowledged, “but he was under the control of The First. I’m thinkin’ the root of all evil can probably have its way with a little piece of machinery.”

                “Maybe something’s actually wrong with it though,” Buffy suggested.

                “You think the chip is misfiring all on its own now,” said Willow. “Well, this’ll be fun.”

                “Remember when things used to be nice and boring?” Buffy lamented.

                “…No,” Willow said with a shrug.

                “I really hate this, you know.”

                “I know.” Willow put an arm over Buffy’s shoulder.

                “All I wanna do is be with you, Will,” Buffy said sadly. “And everything just keeps getting in the way.”

                “I feel _exactly_ the same way,” Willow stated emphatically as she leaned in for a kiss. Buffy kissed back fiercely, standing up and pressing Willow against the counter. “Buffy?” Willow questioned. “Kennedy’s still upstairs.”

                “And we’re downstairs,” Buffy answered as she started kissing Willow’s neck.

                “Spike’s right below us.”

                “Let him listen,” the Slayer mumbled.

                “Buffy…”

                A high-pitched whistling sound interrupted their conversation. Buffy turned and glanced at the oven.

                “You’re making tea?” Buffy asked.

                “I thought you might like a cup,” Willow informed her. “And I was also gonna take one up to Kennedy. Help her feel better.”

                “You’re making tea for _Kennedy_.” Buffy took a step back.

                “Hey.” Willow reached out and grabbed Buffy’s hand. “I’m making tea. Period.” She kissed Buffy’s hand once before crossing to the stove.

                “Willow, what if she really is trying to make a pass at you? I swear, I get weird vibes from her,” said Buffy. “What if she misinterprets this friendly stuff as some kind of a green light?”

                “Buffy, you don’t need to worry about this,” Willow insisted. “Like I told you before, if it gets to be a problem then we’ll deal with it, but don’t add problems where there aren’t any.” Willow began pouring hot water into three cups.

                “I-I’m sorry,” Buffy said quietly. “I guess I’m just kinda jealous.”

                “There’s nothing to be jealous of, Buffy,” said Willow as she added teabags to the hot water.

                “She gets to be there when I can’t.”

                “You know what I wanna say.” Willow turned and caught a pained look on the Slayer’s face. “I’m sorry,” she amended quickly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

                “I’m gonna go check on Spike,” Buffy announced. “Make sure he hasn’t popped another blood vessel.” She turned and headed for the basement again.

                “Buffy?” Willow called after her. “Buffy!” She heard the basement door shut. Frowning to herself, she placed a cup of tea in front of Buffy’s empty seat, then grabbed the other two and headed upstairs.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Willow greeted with bravado as she entered the room. “I figure the best thing for a cold is a nice, hot cup of…” she trailed off as she saw Kennedy putting on a pair of – “Boots?” she questioned.

                “Hey,” said Kennedy.

                “For someone who’s sick you look surprisingly robust and casual dressy,” Willow pointed out.

                “Well, the lighting in here is good,” Kennedy tried. “Maybe it’s just-”

                “You were never sick,” Willow accused.

                “No,” Kennedy admitted slowly. “I was never sick.”

                “Oh, you are so busted,” the witch told her. “Xander’s gonna have to drive you to the desert and-”

                “Willow, chill,” Kennedy interrupted as she stood. “There’s a reason I didn’t go. I have a thing. A separate thing.”

                “What?” Willow asked, though she thought she knew.

                “Something’s coming down,” said Kennedy as she put on her coat. “I have my own mission. And I need your help.”

                “What mission?” Willow challenged.

                “At the Bronze, come on,” she said as she moved toward the door.

                “No,” Willow said flatly. “Kennedy, I keep telling you to stop this. So stop it, okay.”

                “Come on,” Kennedy said again. “Just hang out with me a little.” Willow sighed. “You’re sexy when you pout,” Kennedy added.

                “Why do you do that?” Willow demanded.

                “To get you to stay,” Kennedy returned with a pout of her own.

                “Why don’t you take me seriously when I tell you to back off?”

                “Can’t we at least talk about it?” said Kennedy. “Maybe over drinks.”

                “We can talk,” Willow answered. “But we’re not going out and this tea is the strongest drink you’re getting.” She held out the cup in her left hand.

                “I can work with that,” Kennedy decided, taking the cup.

                “No you can’t,” Willow corrected her. “This is just talking.”

                “Let’s start with the easy stuff,” Kennedy continued. “How long have you known?” Willow looked back at her blankly. “That you’re gay,” she clarified.

                “Wait, that’s easy?” asked Willow, fidgeting uncomfortably and sipping her tea. “And you just assume that I’m – I’m gay. I mean, presume much?”

                “Okay,” said Kennedy with a grin. “How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?”

                “Hey!” Willow cried indignantly. Kennedy chuckled. “What, you think you have some special lesbi-dar or something?”

                “Okay, you know there’s a better word for that, right?” Kennedy leaned against the dresser. Willow took another sip of her tea. “You really haven’t been getting out there much, have you?”

                “Well, I just…” Willow wasn’t sure how to respond. “Can you always tell just – just by looking at someone?” Buffy had said Kennedy gave here vibes.

                “No. No, of course not,” Kennedy dismissed. “That wouldn’t be any fun. The fun part is the process of – of getting to know a girl.” Willow wondered if she’d been about to say ‘process of seduction.’ “It’s like – it’s like flirting in code. It’s using body language and laughing at the right jokes and – and looking into her eyes and knowing she’s still whispering to you, even when she’s not saying a word.” Willow carefully avoided eye contact. “And that sense that if you can just touch her, just once, everything will be okay, for both of you.” That was a succinct summary of how Willow felt about Buffy. “That’s how you can tell,” Kennedy finished with a grin. “Or if she’s really hot, you just get her drunk – see if she comes on to you.”

                “Three years ago, that’s when I knew.”

                Kennedy smiled.

                “Do your parents know?” she prompted further.

                “Yeah,” Willow answered. “My mom was – was all proud, like I was making some political statement.” She took another sip. “Then the statement mojo wore off and I was just gay. She hardly ever even met Tara.”

                “Classic,” Kennedy mumbled.

                “I didn’t mind,” Willow told her. “Tara and I were kind of private.” She and Buffy were apparently even more so. She looked up to see Kennedy studying her face. “So what about you? When did you know?”

                “It was ‘Gone with the Wind’,” Kennedy supplied readily. “I saw that and I knew I wanted to sweep Scarlet off her feet.”

                “You were five,” Willow challenged.

                “Well, I’m not saying the sweeping would have been easy,” she said with a smile. “What?” she added in response to Willow’s thoughtful expression.

                “I just – I still don’t get it,” said the witch with a shrug. “Why you like me. I mean, you don’t even know me.”

                “Have you seen you?” Willow blushed in reply. “And we like the same things. Italian, skate punk, Robert Parker mysteries, fighting evil…”

                “I don’t like any of that stuff,” Willow corrected her, shaking her head. “Except the – the fighting evil part. Even then, I prefer a nice foot massage.”

                “Okay, I dig the way you always turn off the Moulin Rouge DVD at chapter thirty-two so it has a happy ending.” Willow laughed at the comment. “I like the way you speak. It’s interesting.” Willow sipped her tea. “And your freckles…lickable,” Kennedy added seductively. Willow blushed. “I’m not so into the magic stuff,” the potential Slayer qualified. “It seems like fairy tale crap to me, but it matters to you… You care about it, so it’s cool.”

                They were both silent for a moment.

                “Kennedy, I’m really flattered,” Willow began.

                “Why do I sense a ‘but’ coming on?”

                “I’m just not interested, okay?” the witch stated bluntly. “I’m not looking for a relationship.”

                “Why not?” Kennedy pressed.

                “Because I already have one.” Both of them froze. “Tell me that last part wasn’t out loud,” Willow requested.

                “You’re lying,” Kennedy decided.

                “Oh God,” Willow said nervously. “I – I should go.” She reached for the doorknob, but Kennedy grasped her wrist. “Let go, Kennedy. Please.”

                “Willow,” the potential Slayer said softly. “You have a girlfriend?”

                The witch’s eyes moved back and forth between Kennedy and the doorknob, unsure of what would be the best thing to do. If she told Kennedy the truth, Buffy would be disappointed and Willow would have violated her trust. If she let Kennedy think she was lying, there would be no stopping the excessive flirting. She stood still, rooted to the spot with indecision.

                “Willow,” Kennedy continued more softly still, “is that who you cry about every night?”

                “Oh God,” Willow said again. What should she do?

                “Oh my God, it is,” Kennedy realized.

                **_*Willow?*_** Buffy’s thoughts echoed in her head.

                “Oh God, not now,” said Willow distractedly.

                “Willow, why do you cry?” Kennedy prompted.

                **_*Willow, where are you?*_** Buffy asked.

                **_*Upstairs,*_** Willow managed to answer. **_*What do you need?*_**

                “I need to go,” the witch told Kennedy. She pulled her hand away and opened the door.

                “Wait.” Kennedy moved to follow her, but found her path impeded by a semi-transparent gray barrier that crackled when she touched it. “Willow!”

                **_*Did I just her Kennedy shout your name?*_** Buffy questioned.

                **_*Never mind her. What do you need, Buffy?*_** thought Willow as she started down the stairs.

                **_*You didn’t have to just bail on her,*_** the Slayer pointed out. **_*I could’ve waited a minute if you needed it.*_**

                **_*Don’t worry,*_** Willow told her. **_*Conversation was getting boring anyway.*_**

                **_*Spike and I are about to head out,*_** Buffy informed her. **_*I was wondering if you might wanna come with us.*_**

                **_*Out?*_**

                **_*We’re gonna hit the Initiative,*_** Buffy explained.

                “Oh, hey.” Buffy nearly ran into Willow at the bottom of the stairs. “You okay?”

                “You startled me,” Willow tried, hoping that was enough to explain any ambiguities in her facial expressions. “So, the Initiative?”

                “Yeah. We’re hoping we can find something helpful there. Or at least find a drug to help with the pain.”

                “And you want me to come with you?” Willow verified.

                “If you want to,” Buffy muttered. “I mean, if you’d rather-”

                “I want to, Buffy,” Willow assured her.

                **_*Xander,*_** thought the witch, reaching out to him.

                “Good,” said Buffy with a smile, reaching for Willow’s hand.

                **_*Geez, Will,*_** came Xander’s reply. **_*Is there any way to warn me when you’re gonna do that?*_**

                “Ready, pet?” said Spike as he came around the corner. “Red coming with us then?” he added at the sight of Willow.

                **_*Kennedy’s not really sick,*_** Willow informed Xander.

                “Yeah, we’re ready,” Buffy answered, opening the front door.

                **_*I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you wanna drive her out there or just leave her in her room,*_** thought Willow as the three of them stepped out into the night air. **_*Buffy and I are headed out.*_**

                **_*Okay – oh hang on, Will. The phone’s ringing.*_**

                “I’ll get it,” they heard Andrew say as Buffy closed the front door.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Kennedy rushed down the stairs as soon as Willow’s barrier vanished.

                “Loser,” she heard Xander saying in the living room. “Hey, Kennedy!” he added in a raised voice.

                “Oh, um, hey,” said Kennedy as she made her way into the living room. She realized too late that she had been playing sick. “Have you guys seen Willow?”

                “Hey…” Andrew said softly, trying to get someone’s attention.

                “She just left with Buffy and Spike,” Anya said helpfully.

                “She, uh, told me that you weren’t really sick,” said Xander.

                “Hey…” Andrew said again.

                “She did?” Dawn questioned. “When did she do that?”

                “Guess I’m busted,” Kennedy mumbled.

                “Hey…” repeated Andrew.

                “What?” Xander acknowledged Andrew at last.

                “Do we know some British guy named Robson?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Are you sure you still wanna go back in this place with me?” Spike asked as he, Buffy, and Willow wandered through the woods.

                “Eh, nothing good on TV tonight,” Buffy commented.

                “And you, Red?” added the vampire.

                “I wanna help out,” Willow said readily. “Maybe we can find a working computer or something useful.”

                “Here we are,” Spike realized, eyes searching the ground. “Yep, here we are.”

                “You think the stuff’s still good?” Buffy asked as they knelt, feeling around in the dirt.

                “I don’t know,” Spike muttered. “Worked pretty good when the Initiative kept me here. Every time I’d get a little – rambunctious, the chip’d kick in. I feel like my head was gonna explode. They’d dope me up and everything would be all daffodils and teddy bears. For a couple of hours anyway.”

                “I thought you didn’t realize what the chip was doing until that time you tried to bite me,” Willow questioned.

                “I knew it hurt,” Spike explained. “Even if I hadn’t worked out what was causing the pain.”

                “You know, Will, I think you’re right about searching for files and stuff,” Buffy told her. “We should find out everything we can about the chip – shelf life.”

                “I’ll take whatever I can get,” Spike commented as he grabbed hold of a chain in the dirt.

                “Ready?” asked Buffy, seizing the chain as well.

                “Yeah.” They pulled, shifting dirt as they opened a large grate.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “He was attacked,” Xander said as he hung up the phone, “this Robson guy in England.” He returned to the group and had a seat. “And Giles was there helping him. And there was a Bringer.”

                “Xander…” Anya said softly, leaning forward.

                “Robson blacked out,” Xander continued, “but the last thing he remembers is Giles’ head about to get really familiar with a Bringer’s very sharp axe.”

                “Oh my God!” Dawn exclaimed.

                “Giles never mentioned any of this,” Anya pointed out.

                “Robson said by the time he came to – there was no Giles.”

                “So what are we saying?” Dawn questioned.

                “Nothing good,” Kennedy noted.

                “Maybe Giles just didn’t want to talk about it,” Xander suggested hopefully.

                “Or maybe he didn’t make it,” Kennedy argued.

                “Or – yeah that,” Anya said, pointing at Kennedy. Everyone’s faces paled. “Look, I’m not saying it’s a happy scenario, but we’re dealing with a Big Bad that can be any dead person it wants.”

                “Because if you wanna infiltrate the inner circle of the Slayer…” said Xander darkly.

                “Become the one person she trusts more than anybody else,” Anya finished the thought.

                “But there’s no way that we can know,” Dawn contested.

                “Actually, that’s not true,” Andrew contradicted her. “The First can’t take corporeal form, so it can’t touch anything.”

                “Oh,” said Anya, “it’s not like Giles hasn’t touched anything, right?” She looked expectantly at the others, all of whom had pensive looks on their faces. “Ha-has anyone seen Giles touch anything since he got back? Hold anything?” No one answered. “Has anybody hugged him? Think very hard.”

                Xander stood and hurried toward the door; Anya, Dawn, and Kennedy followed readily.

                “Wait,” Andrew said, hesitantly following, “where’re you-”

                “The desert,” Xander answered. “We’re gonna find Giles.”

                “Oh good. Just let me get some tapes for the car. I’ve been working on this mix-”

                “You’re not coming,” Xander interrupted him.

                “What? Why?” Andrew asked in confusion. “’Cause I used to be evil?”

                “No, actually, ‘cause you’re annoying,” Xander corrected him, “but that’s a good reason too.”

                “Wait,” said Andrew in a panic, “I – don’t leave me here alone. I keep getting attacked in this house.”

                “Actually, Xand…” Dawn said softly.

                “Who cares?” Kennedy demanded. “We need to get moving.”

                “What if this is all part of the plan?” Andrew suggested. “Drive you guys away so it can have its way with me? Ever think of that?”

                “I’ll risk it,” Xander stated bluntly, putting his hand on the doorknob.

                “Okay, well, if you leave me here alone, I’ll do something evil,” Andrew threatened. “Like burning something or – gluing things together.”

                “For crying out loud, Harris, just take him,” said Anya in frustration. “At least we can keep an eye on him.”

                Xander waved Andrew forward as Kennedy opened the door. Dawn, Kennedy, and Andrew hurried out quickly.

                “Xander…” Anya said softly.

                “I know, they’re out there all alone,” Xander told her. “All of ‘em.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Okay, I’ll go,” said Andrew, “R.” No one answered him. “Ghost is hard to play by yourself.”

                “Are you completely insane?” Kennedy asked him.

                “How long since they left?” said Anya quickly before an argument could break out.

                “A few hours,” Xander answered.

                “If it is The First, and I’m not saying it is,” she qualified, “what’re we expecting to find?”

                “He didn’t bring them out there to meditate,” Xander said soberly.

                “Kinda makes you grateful you weren’t a potential after all, doesn’t it?” Andrew said to Dawn.

                “Sitting right here,” Kennedy reminded him.

                “And not so fast with the big ‘phew’,” Anya told them.

                “He might know we’re coming,” Xander realized.

                “Which means we’re already too late,” Anya reasoned, “and we’re heading out into the middle of nowhere.”

                “With no Slayer,” Dawn added, “no powerful witch…”

                “Just a teenager, a Slayer waiting to happen, a powerless former demon, and two big geeks,” Anya listed.

                Everyone fell silent.

                “Okay, license plate game maybe,” said Andrew. Again no one answered.

                “Hey, so I’ve got a question,” Kennedy said suddenly. “It’s sort of off topic.”

                “It’s not like we have anything else to do,” Anya noted.

                “License plate game,” Andrew repeated.

                “So, what’s your question, Kennedy?” Xander prompted.

                “Well, I was just wondering,” she began. “Does – oh, hell with it. Does Willow have a girlfriend?”

                Xander and Dawn shifted uncomfortably; Andrew was watching cars out of the window.

                “Yes,” Anya answered readily.

                “But she doesn’t really want us talking about it,” Xander said pointedly.

                “Why not?” Kennedy questioned.

                “That’s her business,” said Xander flatly.

                “Why do you wanna know?” Anya inquired. “Are you gay? Were you going to make a pass at her? Because I would advise against that.”

                “I’ll keep that in mind,” said Kennedy.

                “So you are gay,” Dawn commented.

                “Why do you care?” Kennedy replied.

                “No reason,” said Dawn with a shrug.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                **_*Hey,*_** Willow thought to Buffy as they watched the soldiers examining Spike.

                **_*Hey,*_** Buffy replied.

                **_*You doing okay?*_**

                **_*God, Will, I should be asking you that,*_** Buffy looked guiltily at her feet. **_*I shouldn’t have asked you to come.*_**

                **_*What, this?*_** Willow held up her arm, which was wrapped in heavy bandages that the soldiers had provided. **_*Buffy, it was barely a scrape.*_**

                **_*It was six inch gash,*_** Buffy argued.

                **_*Don’t worry about it,*_** Willow insisted. **_*The demon came out of nowhere. It’s not your fault.*_**

                **_*I asked you to come along.*_**

                **_*Stop worrying,*_** Willow told her, pouting as she thought it. **_*I’m okay, Buffy. And besides, it’s worth it. I’m glad I could be here for you. With you.*_**

                **_*Will, I don’t want you to get sliced and diced just to be with me.*_**

                **_*It was one little gash,*_** Willow countered. **_*I wish you wouldn’t blame yourself.*_**

                “Miss Summers,” the leading officer called out as he approached. “Med team tells me they took a look at the chip. You were right,” he said as he crossed his arms. “It’s degraded. Leave it as it is much longer, it’ll be fatal to him.”

                Buffy swallowed nervously.

                “Okay, so how long t-”

                “Now,” he answered.

                Buffy sighed.

                “Right, of course. Um, what do we do next?”

                “Agent Finn said it was your call, ma’am,” the soldier informed her.

                “My – what was my call?”

                “All decisions regarding Hostile Seventeen are to be left in your hands,” he explained. “This chip, we can either repair it…or remove it.”

                **_*Willow, hold me,*_** Buffy thought.

                **_*In front of the Army?*_**

                **_*I don’t care about the stupid Army.*_** Willow wrapped both arms around the Slayer; the military officer made no comment. **_*What should I do?*_**

                **_*I don’t know, Buffy.*_**

                “Miss Summers, we need a decision.”

                “I’m thinking,” Buffy said quickly. “I just need a minute.”

                **_*It’s your call, Buffy,*_** Willow offered. **_*You know I’ll support you either way.*_**

                **_*But what’s your opinion?*_**

                **_*My opinion…*_** Willow thought it over. **_*My opinion is that Spike wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.*_**

                **_*But you’re worried about the trigger?*_**

                **_*Yes,*_** Willow admitted. **_*But the chip hasn’t been working when he’s triggered.*_**

                **_*So you think we should remove the chip?*_**

                **_*I think he’s just as safe without it,*_** Willow affirmed. **_*Which actually isn’t incredibly safe, but we’ll figure out the trigger. I’ll hit the books, maybe find a mystical way.*_**

                “Remove it,” Buffy told the commander.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Touch him! Touch him!” Xander shouted as the group tackled Giles.

                “Oh, I feel him,” said Dawn excitedly, feeling Giles’ shoulder. “I feel him!”

                “Me too,” added Xander, feeling his chest.

                “Me too,” said Andrew as he prodded Giles’ leg.

                “We all feel each other,” Giles noted in exasperation. “Including some of us who don’t know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you,” he added with a glance at Andrew. “I assume there’s a perfectly reasonable and not at all insane explanation here.”

                “We thought you might be non-corporeal evil,” Anya explained.

                “The First,” Kennedy supplied.

                “We got a call,” said Dawn. “We couldn’t remember you touching anything.”

                “We had to make sure you were okay,” Xander told him. “We were worried.”

                “Oh,” Giles commented. “That’s very sweet.” His face fell slightly. “Now wait a minute… You think I’m evil – if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and don’t touch them?”

                “I’m starting to think I might be evil,” Kennedy mumbled.

                “Kennedy!” Giles took proper notice of the potential Slayer’s presence. “You seem to be feeling better then.”

                “Not a hundred percent,” said Kennedy with a shrug. “Nothing some S’mores won’t fix though.”

                “I think perhaps a vision quest is in order,” Giles suggested. “If you’ll give me a moment to prepare my magic gourd-”

                “Hey, someone’s coming,” Andrew interrupted, pointing toward a pale figure approaching.

                “It’s Vi,” Dawn told the group.

                Giles began rummaging through his supplies, laying things out in a circular pattern near the fire. Kennedy glanced occasionally at Anya, wondering if she should pry for information about Willow’s girlfriend. Dawn and Andrew watched Vi’s approach. Xander and Anya watched Giles work.

                “Hey,” Dawn called out to Vi.

                “Um, hey,” Vi answered. “Why is everyone here?”

                “We had reason to believe you were in mortal danger,” Anya answered, causing Vi’s face to go even paler.

                “We were wrong though,” Dawn assured her quickly.

                “I assume you’ve finished your vision then?” Giles prompted. “How did it go?”

                “Um, good,” Vi responded with a shrug.

                “You don’t have to tell them,” Dawn said. “Buffy never talked about hers. Come on, I need to talk to you.”

                “Really?” Vi asked as Dawn grabbed her hand and led her away from the group.

                “Don’t go far, Dawn,” Giles called after them.

                “So, Anya-” Kennedy started to say.

                “Kennedy,” Giles said to her, “are you ready?”

                “Oh,” Kennedy trailed off. “Yeah, sure. Ready to shake your magic gourd?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : First Date


	9. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy investigates Principal Wood. Willow tries to maintain order.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 9** : First Date  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy investigates Principal Wood. Willow tries to maintain order.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                Kennedy slumped wearily up the stairs, worrying slightly that her boots would disturb anyone who was actually managing to sleep. She was looking forward to sleeping as much as any of them, but she doubted she’d be able to with any amount of ease. Opening the door to the room, she saw Willow sitting against the wall, arms wrapped around her legs and quietly crying.

                “Some girlfriend,” Kennedy muttered as she shut the door behind her.

                Willow ignored the comment.

                “Y-you guys are back?” asked the witch.

                “Buffy sent us home,” Kennedy told her. “Spike tackled Giles and things just kind of went to crap from there. She and Spike are finishing up the patrol.”

                “Oh… So, Giles knows about the chip?”

                “You knew?” Kennedy questioned.

                “I was there when Buffy made the choice,” Willow explained.

                “So why didn’t you tell her not to do it?”

                “’Cause I was a little busy telling her _to_ do it,” argued Willow. Kennedy’s face fell. “Spike wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose.”

                “Until The First comes in and pulls the trigger,” Kennedy countered.

                “Which the chip didn’t stop before,” Willow persisted.

                “But you guys don’t even know if the chip was working.”

                “Buffy trusts Spike,” Willow said calmly. “And she does everything she can for you and the other girls; you need to trust her.”

                Kennedy sighed heavily, having a seat on the bed.

                “We don’t need to talk about Buffy,” she decided. “Let’s talk about your girlfriend.”

                Willow blinked slowly.

                “I’d rather not,” she said softly.

                “It’s someone who lives here, right?” Kennedy pressed.

                “I’m not answering,” Willow informed the potential Slayer.

                “Surely you’d dump her if she left you all alone during an apocalypse,” Kennedy reasoned. “Then again, she is enough of a bitch to leave you to cry about her every night.”

                “Don’t,” Willow said dryly. “You don’t even know her.”

                “I know that you’re in pain and she’s not helping you,” the brunette replied.

                “There are more important things,” Willow defended. “She doesn’t need my problems on top of her own. Like you said, there’s an apocalypse.”

                _She can’t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind._

                “And that means you’re supposed to turn off your feelings?” asked the potential Slayer. “You think you can’t save the world and have a life at the same time? There’s no reason for you to be crying alone, Willow.”

                “Sometimes other things have to come first,” Willow said plainly. “I understand that.”

                “So, why do you cry?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Nothing’s changed, Giles.” Buffy sighed and started folding laundry as she spoke to the Watcher. “Spike had a chip before, remember? When The First had him kill and sire all those people.”

                “We have no idea if his chip was working then,” said Giles, taking off his glasses. “A new chip might restrain him, should The First attempt to activate him again.”

                “He has a soul now,” Buffy told Giles, looking him in the eyes. “That’s what’s gonna stop him from hurting people.”

                “Buffy…” Giles said quietly.

                “He can be a good man, Giles,” Buffy stated firmly. “I feel it. But he’s never gonna get there if we don’t give him the chance.”

                Giles stepped closer.

                “Buffy, I want more for you,” he said gently. “Your feelings for him are coloring your judgment. I can hear it in your voice.” Buffy sighed. “And that way lies a future filled with pain. I don’t want that for you.”

                “We haven’t-” Buffy shifted uncomfortably, glancing toward the open door to make sure no one was nearby. “Giles, you know I’m with Willow.”

                “Would this be the same Willow that you’re never actually with?” Giles challenged.

                “We were together plenty before someone turned up with a busload of strangers who depend on me to kill the monsters in their closet,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Are you saying you blame them?”

                “What I’m saying,” Buffy began in a low and serious tone, “is that I deny myself – real happiness – perfect happiness – wonderful, perfect, lose your _soul_ in it happiness so that I can be what these girls need. So don’t you dare, Giles. Don’t you dare tell me that I let my feelings color my judgment. You think I’m losing sight of the big picture, but I’m not. When Spike had that chip it was like having him in a muzzle. It was wrong. You can’t beat evil by doing evil. I know that.”

                She left the room silently.

                “Well, I hope you’re right,” Giles called after her. “You’re gambling with a lot of lives.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Um, what’re you doing tonight?”

                Buffy stared blankly at Principal Wood. Surely she was mishearing that question.

                “Preparing for tomorrow’s counseling sessions,” she answered slowly.

                “No, really,” said Wood with a smile.

                “Watching a reality show about a millionaire,” Buffy tried, assuming that ‘preparing for the apocalypse’ would not be a helpful answer.

                “Well, then, I’d um – I’d like to take you out to dinner, if that’s alright with you.” Buffy’s eyes widened. “I mean, you don’t have to,” he added quickly. Buffy was thinking fast. Was this a genuine dinner invitation or an evil plot? “I’m certainly not saying come to dinner if you enjoy having a job.” He chuckled briefly, then frowned. “You know, I may have to make up a little document saying I didn’t just say that and have you sign it.”

                Buffy smiled warmly.

                “Sure. I’d be happy to have dinner with you.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Will, you know how sometimes I have to do things for the cause?”

                Willow was standing in front of the couch, folding her laundry. Buffy sat next to the clothes as they talked.

                “What is it, Buffy?” Willow replied calmly.

                “Like, for example, if I was investigating someone who may or may not be evil.”

                “Principal Wood,” Willow acknowledged.

                “And what if this person of ambiguous loyalties – asked me out to dinner?”

                “You know I trust you, Buffy,” Willow smiled indulgently.

                “I wasn’t sure how to tell you,” Buffy admitted.

                “That was fine,” Willow assured her. “So, he asked you out to dinner?”

                “Yeah. Isn’t that weird?” asked the Slayer. “Lends support to the evil theory, doesn’t it? I mean, he’s a Principal. He’s a young, hot Principal with earrings,” Willow rolled her eyes, “but he’s a Principal. Why do you think he asked me out? Evil or interested? I mean, he could be interested, right?”

                “Yeah, sure,” Willow agreed. “You’re a frisky vixen.”

                **_*Wicked witch,*_** Buffy thought at her.

                “Or, it could be work-related,” Buffy continued theorizing. “Maybe I’m getting promoted for doing such a good job.”

                Willow giggled.

                “Oh, right,” she corrected quickly. “That – that makes sense too.”

                **_*Maybe I’ll start calling you frisky,*_** she added mentally.

                **_*I’ll frisk you.*_**

                **_*Promise?*_**

                “Or, maybe he knows that I suspect he’s up to something and he’s taking me out to kill me.”

                “Well, you’ll have to dress for the ambiguity,” Willow said with a shrug.

                **_*God, I wanna touch you, Will.*_**

                **_*You’re quite welcome to grope me at any time you see fit.*_**

                “You know, it’s not even that he’s acting suspicious,” Buffy qualified. “It’s just – there he is. On the Hellmouth. All day, every day. That’s gotta be like being showered with evil. Only from underneath.”

                “Not really a shower,” Willow pointed out.

                “A bidet,” Buffy decided. “Like a bidet of evil.”

                **_*Willow, what would you say if I asked you rip all my clothes off right now?*_**

                The witch affected a ponderous expression.

                **_*I’d probably have to say-*_**

                The front door opened.

                “Hey, someone’s here,” Buffy announced in an overly cheerful tone.

                Xander rushed into the room, grinning from ear to ear.

                “Guys,” he exclaimed, glad to have found them so quickly, “guess what happened.”

                “Buffy got a date,” Willow supplied with a playful smile at the Slayer.

                “No, I did.” He looked down at Buffy with a frown. “Fine. Way to steal my thunder. So you guys are goin’ public?”

                “No,” Buffy said quickly, glancing around her to make sure no one was nearby.

                “Technically, she’s investigating Principal Wood,” Willow explained.

                “He asked me out to dinner,” Buffy added. “If it makes you feel any better, I think he’s aligned with The First.”

                “Also, like ten years older than you, right?” Xander questioned.

                “Which is like a hundred years younger than your type,” Willow teased.

                “Yay, someone who doesn’t remember the Industrial Revolution,” Buffy grinned back at her.

                “I think they’re gonna end up making out,” Willow said levelly. “‘Oh, Principal Wood’, she’ll gasp, ‘I love your sexy earrings.’”

                Buffy threw a pair of socks at her.

                “Wicked witch,” she said with a pout.

                “Frisky vixen,” Willow countered.

                “Well, it’s good to see you two getting along,” Xander chimed in.

                “So, how ‘bout yours, Xander,” Willow prompted. “Is she evil?”

                “Well, she’s interested in me,” Xander pointed out, “so there’s a good chance, but I’m hoping for the best.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “The girls must die,” said The First, appearing as Jonathan.

                Andrew paled and took a deep breath to steady himself.

                “I could never do that,” he said resolutely. “All those girls, a-all that blood – I-I didn’t like the stabbing before.”

                “You don’t have to stab,” said The First quickly. “This’ll be easy.” It shifted in appearance from Jonathan to Warren. “I know where you can get a gun.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Heard you got a date.” Spike raised his eyebrows, questioning Buffy.

                “Well, it’s unclear,” Buffy informed him. “I mean, I have this whole theory about a promotion. Or he’s evil.”

                “And how, uh – how do your friends feel about this?” he asked quietly, looking around to see if anyone might be listening.

                “My friends are fine with it,” Buffy assured him. “My friends know that I’m just investigating him. And possibly enjoying a fine free meal.”

                “Sure about that, luv? Maybe your friends just tell you what they think you wanna hear.”

                “My friends trust me, Spike. I talk to my friends about everything.”

                Spike shifted uncomfortably.

                “What about you Spike? We still haven’t really talked about – my friends.”

                “Buffy, I’m alright,” he assured her softly.

                “You don’t have to-”

                “What? Be noble?” the vampire interrupted. “I’m not. Really, I’m alright. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear.”

                “Good,” Buffy said, smiling kindly. “I’m glad. Thank you.”

                “Never much cared for picket fences anyway,” Spike commented. “Bloody dangerous.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Nothing?” Dawn asked Amanda as they, along with Kennedy and Willow, researched Principal Wood. “No records or certificates? College transcripts?”

                “Looks like the only stuff in the system about Principal Robin Wood is super-recent,” Amanda answered. “Like, since he moved to Sunnydale.”

                “I’ve googled ‘til I just can’t google no more.” Willow sighed. “He’s not in there.”

                “Well, that’s suspicious,” said Kennedy, leaning over Willow’s shoulder to view the laptop screen.

                “Kennedy, you’re kind of in my bubble,” Willow pointed out.

                As Kennedy pulled back, Anya stormed into the room follow closely by Giles.

                “Anya, calm down,” Giles insisted. “They’re educational.”

                Anya handed a stack of papers to Willow.

                “What’s this?” asked the witch. Flipping through, she discovered they were increasingly graphic flashcards. Kennedy leaned forward again. “Bubble,” Willow insisted, holding up a hand defensively.

                “Does it bother you?” Kennedy challenged, not moving.

                Anya gaped at the overt flirtation.

                “You know that’s not very polite,” the ex-demon pointed out.

                “Yeah,” Dawn agreed. “And – consider the source,” she added, gesturing at Anya.

                Kennedy stared back and forth between them for a moment and then backed away again.

                “Hi guys,” said a high female voice. All heads turned as Vi entered the room.

                “Hi, Vi,” said Dawn, smiling brightly.

                “Hi, Dawn,” Vi returned the smile. “Hi, Kennedy,” she added.

                “Um, hi.” Kennedy acknowledged Vi with a nod.

                “So, what’re you doing?” Vi inquired. Kennedy passed her one of the flashcards. “Oh…well, look at that,” Vi mumbled faintly.

                “Someone wanna explain to me what these are?” Willow requested.

                “Giles made them for Chao-Ahn,” Anya said angrily, “and now she’s locked herself in the bathroom. There’s other girls upstairs and they’re starting to complain.”

                “Those are flashcards,” Giles defended. “I-I made them to facilitate her training. Chao-Ahn never had a Watcher. The language problem-”

                “You showed her these?” Willow interrupted, wide-eyed.

                “I wanted her to understand the seriousness of the situation,” Giles explained.

                “Holy crap!” Dawn exclaimed as she held up one of the cards depicting a bloody mess and a girl who appeared to have been ripped in half.

                “Perhaps I’ll rethink the approach,” Giles decided.

                “In the meanwhile, wanna help us get researchy?” Willow offered. “We’re trying to invade Buffy’s date’s privacy.”

                “Buffy has a date?” Giles looked inquisitively at Willow.

                “Yes…” Anya said, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “Didn’t you hear? Everybody has a date. Buffy has a date. Xander’s out with some hardware-store-whore. It’s Date Fest 2003,” Anya complained as she took a seat. “At least I know Kennedy got completely snubbed.”

                “Hey!” said Kennedy with a pout.

                “It’s okay, Kennedy.” Vi placed a supportive hand on the brunette’s shoulder. Dawn gave Vi a thumbs up while Kennedy’s head was turned.

                “Thanks,” said Kennedy slowly, looking from Vi’s hand to her face, causing her to blush.

                “And actually,” Willow said quickly to Giles, “Buffy’s investigating Principal Wood. It’s not a date.”

                “Really?” said Giles.

                Willow glanced around at Vi, Kennedy, and Amanda.

                “Might be a date,” she said with a shrug.

                “For God’s sake!” Giles half-shouted, startling everyone. “How can anyone think about their social life?” Vi hurriedly removed her hand from Kennedy’s a shoulder. “We are about to fight the original primal evil.”

                “You know, I happen to think we can save the world and have social lives too,” Kennedy pointed out, smirking at Vi.

                “These girls are in mortal danger,” Giles insisted, gesturing first to Kennedy and Vi, then Amanda. “We all are. Didn’t you see the flashcards?” He waved one of them. “This isn’t right.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Did you get the gun?”

                The First had resumed Jonathan’s shape and was speaking quietly to Andrew in the living room.

                “Yes,” Andrew assured him nervously. “I also picked up some Mexican food; I’d forgotten how much I missed it.”

                “Show me,” said The First.

                “Well, I already ate it,” Andrew explained. “But there were burritos and-”

                “Show me the gun,” The First interrupted.

                “Oh.” Andrew held out a paper bag, opening it so The First could see. “Here. The guy said he was expecting me and that it was the same model he gave Warren.”

                “Yeah, I paid him a visit,” said The First, “told him you were coming. Now, there’s gonna be panic and fleeing when you start firing, so you’re gonna have to get them trapped someplace like the basement.”

                “And we’re killing them because…?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “So, we’re thinking it didn’t go to well,” Willow explained to Spike and Giles.

                Dawn was helping Andrew remove the wires taped to his chest and he winced each time she pulled one off. Willow sat comfortably in a chair, opposite Amanda and Anya on the couch. Kennedy and Vi were sitting on the floor, passing Vi’s notebook back and forth after writing things in it.

                “You should’ve let me do this fast,” Dawn insisted.

                “No, no, no,” said Andrew. “I hate that. Ow.”

                “You tried to record the ultimate evil?” Spike asked of Willow. “Why? In a complex effort to royally piss it off?”

                “Guess we succeeded there, huh?” Anya commented.

                “God, I never should have gone in wired,” Andrew whined. “Redemption is hard.”

                “Getting back to Spike’s question,” said Giles, “why did you try to record it?”

                “To study it,” Willow clarified. “To see if we could figure out something from what it was saying. Because, guys, we have to face it; we know nothing about The First.”

                “Well, we know not to record it,” Anya said hopefully. “That’s something.” She frowned as Kennedy and Vi glanced in her direction and Vi started giggling.

                “Why did it appear to this one, then?” Spike gestured to Andrew. “I thought it was supposed to be pulling my strings.”

                “It said it wasn’t time for you yet,” Andrew answered. “Ow,” he added as Dawn pulled off the last piece of tape. “I’m frightened. And my chest hurts where the tape was.”

                “It’s okay, Andrew,” Dawn told him reassuringly as he sat on the couch. “You did good. You stood up to it. That’s really amazing.”

                “Thank you,” Andrew said warmly. “You’re a peach.”

                “Yeah,” said Anya. “What did it want you to do anyway?”

                “Shoot all the girls,” Andrew replied.

                “Shoot girls?” Dawn asked nervously.

                “Not you, just the potentials,” Andrew explained.

                “Oh, well that’s something,” said Dawn in relief. “…Something tragic,” she added at a glance from Amanda.

                “This proves my point,” Giles insisted. “This time is crucial. We should be circling the wagons instead of doing things like going out on dates when – when gunplay is imminent. Willow, call Buffy. Get her back here. We need to dispose of the gun and – and figure out our next move.”

                “I’ll go get her,” Spike offered.

                “I’ll call,” Willow told him. As she said it, her phone began ringing.

                “Bet that’s her,” said Amanda. “Sometimes you’re thinking about calling someone-”

                “No,” said Willow, “it’s a text message.” She paused to read it. “Oh, it’s from Xander. It’s one of our signals.”

                “Signals?” Amanda prompted.

                “Yeah, the system we set up a while back,” Willow told her. “Like codes. Uh, this one’s either ‘I just got lucky, don’t call me for a while’ or ‘my date’s a demon who’s trying to kill me.’”

                “And those two are similar?” asked Amanda.

                “They’re short signals,” said Willow. “And it was a long time ago.”

                “Well, if we play the percentages…” Dawn suggested.

                “Something’s eating Xander’s head,” Giles finished.

                “Say, that’s gratifying,” Anya commented smugly.

                “Buffy will know what to do,” Andrew offered.

                “I’ll go get her,” Spike said again, turning toward the door.

                “It’s okay,” Willow assured him. Spike sighed. Willow started dialing Buffy’s number. “We don’t even know where she went.” A phone rang on the table next to Willow. “That’s not good,” Willow said as she picked up the phone.

                “I’ll go get Buffy,” Spike volunteered a third time. “I can probably still track her scent. She’ll be worried about the boy.”

                “Spike,” Willow called after him as he started to walk out the door.

                “Willow, you know I can-”

                “Take the phone,” said Willow, tossing Buffy’s cell to the vampire. “I’m gonna do a locator spell to find Xander. I’ll call when I get a location.”

                “Thanks.”

                He left.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “So you decided to tell me?” Buffy asked Principal Wood, still feeling completely floored by the fact that she was having a conversation with a Slayer’s son.

                “That’s right,” Wood confirmed.

                “In a darkened, little romantic French restaurant?” she questioned.

                “Um, yeah…” Wood nodded awkwardly. “Yeah, I’m not really sure how that happened, but yeah…”

                “I thought you were evil,” Buffy said quickly.

                “Oh.” Robin’s face fell.

                “That’s why I said yes,” she explained. “I was hoping to investigate you.”

                “So you’re not really interested in…”

                “Sorry,” Buffy told him with a half-smile. “I have a girlfriend.” She paused as she realized what she’d said. “Ooh, but don’t blab that around. We’re, uh, kinda private.”

                “A girlfriend,” Wood said slowly. “Man, I know how to pick ‘em,” he mused.

                “Oh, no, hey,” Buffy said reassuringly. “Bi,” she told him, pointing at herself. “I would’ve been really interested if I wasn’t already with someone.”

                “Is that so?”

                “Probably. I mean, you’ve definitely got a good look going for you.”

                “Well, thanks for that,” he said with a smile. He leaned forward to take a bite of his food and then broke off, looking to his left.

                Buffy followed Robin’s line of vision to see what he was staring at.

                “What are you doing here?” Buffy asked Spike.

                “Is there a problem,” Robin asked Buffy.

                “It’s Xander,” Spike said shortly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                **_*So what happened here tonight?*_** Buffy thought to Willow as they sat together on the couch, both feeling grim about the night’s events. **_*Giles seems majorly pissed.*_**

                **_*The First stopped by,*_** Willow answered straight-forwardly.

                **_*Oh my God. Is everyone okay?*_**

                **_*We’re all fine,*_** Willow replied. **_*It tried to get Andrew to kill the girls though.*_**

                **_*Wonderful.*_** Buffy rolled her eyes.

                **_*He stood up to it though. He told Dawn that it was appearing to him again, Dawn told me, and he agreed to wear a wire.*_**

                **_*A wire?*_** Buffy questioned. **_*Did you learn anything useful?*_**

                **_*Not from the recording.*_** Willow sighed. **_*It didn’t work. But Andrew told us as much as he could remember. The First is trying to wipe out the Slayer line, which we already knew. And it said it wasn’t time – for Spike yet.*_**

                Buffy echoed Willow’s sigh. The witch draped an arm over Buffy’s shoulder, but she shrugged it off.

                **_*What if someone comes in?*_**

                **_*Sorry.*_** Willow frowned.

                _You think Buffy needs you?_

                **_*Have you had any luck with the trigger research?*_**

                **_*I’m trying, Buffy. Nothing solid yet though. I’m sorry.*_**

                **_*It’s okay. We’ll figure something out eventually.*_**

                **_*I love you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I love you too, Will.*_**

                Willow rested her head on Buffy’s shoulder.

                **_*Will,*_** Buffy cautioned.

                **_*Sorry,*_** Willow thought again. **_*Can – can we go to your room? … Just for a little while.*_**

                **_*You should try to get some sleep while you still can, Will.*_**

                **_*I’d rather spend time with you.*_**

                **_*Will, this thing’s about to come down. Giles was right; we need to be preparing.*_**

                **_*Not disagreeing. Shouldn’t we be able to do both though? You remember that it’s okay to be Buffy too, right?*_**

                **_*I want to, Will. I really do.*_**

                **_*But you won’t.*_**

                **_*I’m sorry.*_**

                **_*Please,*_** Willow tried. **_*Buffy, I – can’t we have one night? Or an hour? Or something? I wanna hold you.*_**

                **_*I can’t let go, Will. I can’t let go right now ‘cause I’m afraid I won’t be able to grab hold again.*_**

                _She can’t do her job…_

                **_*One kiss?*_**

                **_*…Okay.*_**

                Willow leaned in and quickly captured the Slayer’s lips. Buffy kissed back hungrily and their lips moved sinuously against each other. The sound of footsteps broke them apart sooner than either of them would have preferred. Willow sighed heavily, standing up. The intruding presence turned out to be Anya.

                “Oh,” she said as she saw Willow and Buffy pulling apart. “Hi.”

                “Hey, Anya,” Willow offered. “I was just about to go to bed.”

                **_*I love you, Willow,*_** Buffy thought, smiling encouragingly.

                **_*I love you too.*_** Willow smiled back.

                “How’s Xander doing?” Willow asked Anya, moving toward the stairs.

                “I’ve seen worse,” Anya admitted, following Willow.

                “And how are you doing?” Willow stopped at the bottom of the stairs. “With the – the changeable but intense emotions and all?”

                “I’ve felt worse,” Anya said sadly.

                “Want a hug?”

                “That would actually be nice,” Anya decided.

                Willow leaned forward and embraced the ex-demon, needing the supportive gesture just as much as Anya did.

                “I hope you feel better soon,” Willow told her.

                The front door opened.

                “Thank you, Willow,” Anya replied as they pulled apart.

                They turned to see Kennedy and Vi coming in from the night.

                “Hey,” Kennedy greeted.

                “Out late?” Willow questioned, glancing from Kennedy to Vi.

                “Walking and talking,” Kennedy answered casually. “Vi’s pretty cool when you get to know her.” The pale girl blushed, but said nothing.

                “Ohhh,” said Anya as she continued past the stairs.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy wasn’t sure how long she’d been on the couch. A blank stare covered her face as her mind tried to grind the information she had acquired throughout the night. Her head turned as Spike came into the room. He took a seat next to her, looking pensive.

                “Did anybody tell you about what happened here tonight?” the vampire asked her.

                “Willow did.” Buffy sighed. “The First is back in the mix.”

                “It, uh, it talked to the little boy,” Spike told her. “Said it wasn’t time for me yet.” Buffy made no reply. “I should move out,” Spike said bluntly. “Leave town before it is time for me.”

                “No, you have to stay,” Buffy answered quietly.

                “You’ve got another demon fighter now,” Spike dismissed.

                “That’s not why I need you here,” Buffy corrected him.

                “Is that right?” Spike couldn’t help but smirk. “Why’s that, then?”

                “’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

                “So that wouldn’t be a mixed signal at all, then,” Spike challenged.

                “It’s not supposed to be, Spike,” Buffy informed him. “But I understand why it feels that way to you. It means more to you because you love me.”

                Spike stared at her blankly.

                “Never thought you’d admit that, Slayer.”

                “I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way,” Buffy said sadly.

                “Don’t lose sleep over it, pet. Like I said before, I’m alright.”

                “I do feel for you, Spike,” she responded. “I care about you. It’s not what you want, but it’s real. I’m gonna need all the support I can get and you’re a real help to me. I know it’s not fair to you, but I need you in my corner. Will you stay?”

                “Any luck with the trigger?” Spike prompted.

                “Willow’s working on it. We’ll figure it out.”

                “Don’t let me hurt anyone,” he cautioned.

                “So you’ll stay?”

                “You need to know that it’s not-”

                “Not forever?” Buffy interrupted. “Is this the part where you tell me that you’ll stay for the fight, but then you have to leave because it’s too hard to be around me?”

                “Uh, more or less,” Spike said quietly. Buffy smiled and shook her head. “Something funny, then?”

                “You wouldn’t like it,” Buffy warned him.

                “What?” Spike insisted.

                “That’s pretty much what Angel said before he left,” Buffy answered.

                “Oh balls.” Spike got to his feet and held his jacket open. “Stake me now.”

                Buffy just shook her head.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Kennedy said softly as she entered the room. “Books?”

                Willow was sitting on the floor by her sleeping bag, her laptop and an assortment of books spread out in front of her.

                “Hey,” she said quietly, remaining focused on a volume that she was holding.

                “What’re those for?” Kennedy asked, shrugging out of her coat.

                “Research,” Willow muttered.

                “Researching what?” Kennedy prompted further.

                “Triggers,” the witch said quickly, still not taking her eyes away from the book.

                “So you’re trying to help Spike,” the potential Slayer surmised. “Is that all there is to it though?”

                “Don’t,” Willow said shortly.

                “I just can’t help but wonder why, Willow,” Kennedy pointed out. “Because you’re not usually buried in the books this late at night.”

                “Stop it,” Willow snapped, turning a page.

                “You’re usually doing something else by this time.”

                “I need to do this,” Willow insisted.

                “Okay,” Kennedy acknowledged. “But are you doing it for Spike or because you need an escape?”

                “Yes,” Willow answered irritably.

                “I think you know that won’t work forever,” Kennedy reasoned. “It’ll catch up to you sooner or later.”

                “Stop.” Willow’s voice cracked as she said it.

                “Willow, I think you really need to talk about it.” She placed a hand on the witch’s shoulder. “Why won’t you let me help you?”

                “I-I need to research.” Willow shrugged off Kennedy’s hand.

                “I don’t understand why you’re so loyal to her.”

                “Her?” Willow questioned, shifting so she could type something into her laptop.

                “Your insensitive bitch of a girlfriend,” Kennedy said angrily. “Why would you wanna be with someone who hurts you like this?”

                “I told you before, you don’t know her.” She frowned at the laptop screen and flipped through more pages in one of the books. “She doesn’t hurt me.”

                “So that’s why you’re cracking the books in the middle of the night?” Kennedy sat on the floor at the foot of the bed.

                “You know what The First said,” countered the witch. “This needs to be done.”

                “Or I could just go downstairs and put a stake in his heart ‘cause – that also solves the problem.”

                “Buffy needs him,” said Willow tonelessly.

                “Maybe for the sex,” Kennedy retorted, “but we’ve got lots of people who can fight demons.”

                “She’s not having sex with Spike,” Willow said flatly.

                “If you say so.” Kennedy rolled her eyes disbelievingly. “But getting back to your so-called girlfriend.”

                “So-called?”

                “Willow, you fall apart at the end of every day,” Kennedy said plainly. “What does she do to you?”

                “It’s not like that.” She turned another page.

                “So tell me what it _is_ like, then,” Kennedy persisted. “Let me help you. It doesn’t have to mean anything romantic; I just think you need some support.”

                “I’m fine,” Willow answered.

                “Let’s look up fine.” Kennedy grabbed a book and opened it at random. “Oh look, definition number one: Not Willow.” She shut the book with a snap. “It’s not fair of her to let you feel this way even if she’s not causing it. She should be holding you and comforting you and supporting you.”

                “I don’t want her to worry about me. This is a me issue and she doesn’t need the burden.”

                “What?” Kennedy exclaimed, hand returning again to Willow’s shoulder. “You mean you haven’t even told her how you feel?”

                “Kennedy, don’t.” Willow pushed her hand away a second time. “You don’t understand this, okay. Let me deal with it my way.”

                “Willow, crying yourself to sleep every night is not dealing with it,” Kennedy argued. “Don’t you even feel like you can talk to her?”

                “She has other things on her mind,” Willow defended. “Especially tonight. She doesn’t need to feel guilty on top of everything else.”

                “Guilty?” Kennedy asked. “So then it _is_ something she did.” Willow didn’t answer. “Or something she does… Or something she doesn’t do.”

                “Damn it!” Willow shut her book and threw it across the room, tears finally springing to her eyes. “Why’d you have to push it?” she demanded. “I was doing fine.”

                “I think we already covered that,” Kennedy reminded her.

                “I’m handling it.”

                “Hiding it, you mean,” Kennedy challenged. “And whatever it is, you won’t take it to her, so it must be her fault.”

                “It’s not anybody’s fault,” Willow contradicted. “She doesn’t need my problems.”

                “Willow, if she cares about you at all, she’d want to support you.”

                “She – I…” Willow trailed off, drying her eyes with her shirt sleeves. “Tell me about Vi,” she requested.

                “What?” Kennedy was thrown by the sudden change of direction. “What does that have to do with anything?”

                “Nothing,” Willow stated. “Nothing at all. That’s the point.”

                “Willow-”

                “You wanna help me, talk to me,” Willow insisted. “Just talk to me, okay? There’s no solution right now, so please just help me not think about it.”

                “I don’t think-”

                “Please,” Willow repeated softly. “Please.”

                “There’s not really much to tell,” Kennedy admitted.

                “She’s interested, right?”

                “I think even a Bringer could see that,” Kennedy pointed out. “She seems to think she’s being subtle though. She still hasn’t really brought anything up.”

                “What have you guys been talking about then?” Willow asked in confusion.

                “All the safe stuff,” said Kennedy with a sigh. “Mostly.”

                “Mostly?”

                “Well, we spent a little time trying to – guess who you’re girlfriend is.”

                “Oh.” Willow frowned. “Wait, you got to that and she didn’t manage to slip in that she’s totally gay for you.”

                “She’s pretty much closeted,” Kennedy replied with a shrug. “Probably got in trouble for it back home or something. I’m letting her work up to it. She’ll get there in her own time.”

                “Funny,” Willow commented, “I kinda got the impression that you liked to make the first move.”

                “Different girl, different approach,” Kennedy informed her.

                “So, are you interested back?”

                “I think so,” said Kennedy thoughtfully. “I mean, I’m still getting to know her, but I like what I’ve seen.”

                “A-and are you – still interested in me?”

                “I don’t know,” Kennedy answered. “Do you want me to be?”

                “That came out wrong,” Willow realized. “I just – I mean it was kinda flattering. I-it’s nice to feel wanted.”

                “Doesn’t your girlfriend make you feel wanted?” Kennedy challeneged.

                “I – that’s not… I wonder if Vi feels wanted,” she countered.

                “I doubt she’s losing any sleep over me,” said the potential Slayer. “Well, maybe losing sleep,” she corrected with a grin, “but not crying her eyes out or anything.”

                “You’re supposed to be distracting me,” Willow reminded her.

                “Why don’t you try talking about it?” Kennedy said gently. “Sometimes it helps to let it out.”

                “I can’t, Kennedy. Please don’t push this.”

                “Okay,” said the brunette quietly. “I’m sorry.”

                “So…I wonder why Vi decided to make a move.”

                “She hasn’t really made a move,” Kennedy responded. “She’s just being friendly.”

                “Still, it’s more than she was doing before,” Willow offered. “She used to just stare at you.”

                “She did?” Kennedy questioned. “I never really noticed.”

                “Yeah, well you were-”

                They were interrupted by a soft knock at the door.

                “Yeah?” Kennedy called out. There was no answer.

                The potential Slayer stood and went to open the door. Sticking her head out, she looked both ways down the hall.

                “Anyone there?” Willow asked her.

                “No,” Kennedy replied in confusion. “Oh,” she added, looking down. “There’s a stuffed animal.”

                “Something from Vi, maybe?” Willow suggested.

                “Must be.” Kennedy stooped to pick up the thing. “There’s a note too.” She shut the door and glanced at the note. “Oh…”

                “What is it?”

                Kennedy silently held out a stuffed pig and a piece of paper bearing a message of two words.

                ‘ _For Willow._ ’

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : Get it Done


	10. Get it Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy struggles with finding the balance between power and humanity. Willow works on controlling her power as well.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 10** : Get it Done  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy struggles with finding the balance between power and humanity. Willow works on controlling her power as well.  
 **A/N** : I’ll be honest, this isn’t the most exciting chapter. Less deviation from the episode in this one, but the second scene and the last two scenes are especially meaningful to the arc of the fic.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                “They’re not all gonna make it.”

                Buffy watched Kennedy lead the training exercises as she spoke to Principal Wood. The truth of her words weighed heavily on her mind.

                “Some will die,” she continued sadly, “and nothing I can do will stop that.”

                Willow came out onto the porch, carrying an armful of weapons for the potential Slayers to use for practice. She froze at the sight of the Principal.

                “Oh, hi,” she mumbled awkwardly. “Hey.”

                **_*Buffy, how much does he know?*_**

                “It’s okay,” Buffy answered. “I filled him in on everything.”

                “Oh, thank God.” Willow sighed in relief. “If I had to explain all these weapons, I had nothing.” She set the weapons down.

                “Buffy tells me you’ve been, um – oh how shall I put it – experimenting,” said Wood. Willow’s eyes widened and she looked at Buffy. “With the magicks,” Wood added, understanding the glance.

                “Oh!” Willow laughed nervously. “Yeah.”

                **_*I actually told him about us too,*_** Buffy informed the witch.

                “Oh, nothing too heavy though,” Willow qualified.

                **_*Really?*_** Willow asked.

                “Just the lighter, safer stuff.”

                **_*Yeah,*_** Buffy thought back. ** _*It was sort of an accident – and I asked him not to blab it around or anything – but yeah.*_**

                “Well, uh, if Kennedy asks, the pointy stuff’s right here.” Willow gestured vaguely to the pile of weapons. “See you inside. So much cooler than Snyder,” she added quietly before going back into the house.

                “She really almost destroyed the world?” Wood questioned.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                _They’re not all gonna make it._

                Buffy scooped dirt into the newly dug grave.

                _Some will die…_

                The gift of the Slayer.

                _...and nothing I can do will stop that._

                A hand rested on the Slayer’s shoulder as she replaced the last of the dirt.

                “Willow.” She melted at the touch.

                “I’ve got you, Buffy,” the witch assured her, wrapping her arms around the Slayer and holding her close.

                “I want it to stop,” Buffy pleaded shakily.

                “I know,” Willow said soothingly. “I know.”

                “I hate it,” said Buffy quietly. “I hate it all. I don’t wanna go back in there. I hate being – this.”

                “It’s okay,” said Willow gently. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are. You’re the Slayer. And you’re Buffy. And _both_ of those are you and it’s okay.”

                “It doesn’t feel okay,” Buffy responded. “Both of them hate each other. Which would be fine if I was full-blown crazy and I could just be one at a time, but I can’t. I’m always both of them. I can’t make either one of them shut up no matter how hard I try to be just one.”

                “I’m here for you, Buffy,” Willow offered consolingly. “Whatever you need.”

                “My needs don’t mesh right now,” said Buffy darkly.

                “You can tell me, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “You can tell me anything.”

                “I need… Willow, I still need your love more than anything,” she prefaced.

                “You have it,” the witch stated firmly. “I love you, Buffy. Everything that you are, I love.”

                “You know that I love you too.” She took a deep breath and slowly released it. “But Willow, you have power. Real power.”

                “I’m trying, Buffy,” Willow pledged.

                “Try harder,” the Slayer insisted. “I know that you can control your power. You’re the strongest person I have _ever_ known and you need to trust yourself. Your strength – is greater than the power.”

                “I’m trying,” Willow repeated.

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                “Is everyone here?” Buffy asked as she came in the door, carrying her shovel and followed closely by Willow.

                “All accounted for,” said Kennedy with a sigh. She and Vi were seated next to each other, surrounded by several other potentials. Dawn and Anya were on the couch. Xander stood near the back of the room, as did Spike.

                “Anyone wanna say a few words about Chloe?” Buffy waited silently, but no one replied. “Let me,” offered the Slayer as she began to pace. “Chloe was an idiot. Chloe was stupid. She was weak.”

                Shocked faces greeted these harsh words.

                “And anyone in a rush to be the next dead body I bury, it’s easy. Just – think of Chloe – and do what she did. And I’ll find room for you next to her and Annabelle.” Some of the potentials looked mutinous, but she paid them no heed. “I’m the Slayer. The one with the power. And The First has me using that power to dig our graves.” She threw down the shovel emphatically. “I’ve been carrying you – all of you – too far, too long. Ride’s over.”

                “You’re out of line!” Kennedy stood as she challenged Buffy’s proclamation.

                “No she’s not,” Willow insisted quietly from near the doorway.

                Kennedy rounded on the witch.

                “You’re gonna let her talk to you like that?” she demanded. “Willow, she’s not even the most powerful one in this room. With you here, she’s not close.”

                “You’re new here,” Buffy told Kennedy coldly, “and you’re wrong. Because I use the power that I have.”

                **_*I love you anyway,*_** she thought to Willow. **_*But still…*_**

                “The rest of you are just waiting for me.”

                “Well, yeah,” Xander acknowledged, “but only because you kinda told us to. You’re our leader, Buffy. As in ‘follow the.’”

                “Well, from now on, I’m your leader as in ‘do what I say.’”

                “Ja wohl,” Xander replied comically. “But let’s not try to forget, we’re also your friends.”

                “I’m not,” Anya chimed in from the couch.

                “Then why are you here?” Buffy asked the ex-demon. “Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?”

                “I provide much-need…sarcasm.”

                “Um,” Xander raised his hand, “that would kinda be my job actually.”

                “You’re here because you’re scared,” Buffy clarified.

                “Same goes for everyone in this room,” Xander defended.

                “Fine,” Buffy allowed. “Anya – all of you – be as scared as you’d like, just be useful while you’re at it.”

                “Buffy,” Willow said gently. “You know everyone here’s doing everything they can.”

                “The First isn’t impressed,” Buffy responded without turning. “It already knows us. It knows what we can do and it’s laughing. You want to surprise the enemy? Surprise yourselves.” Finally, she met Willow’s eyes for a brief moment. “Force yourself to do what can’t be done,” slowly, she turned back to the potentials as she spoke, “or else we are not an army. We’re just a bunch of girls waiting to be picked off and buried.”

                At this, Spike started toward the front door.

                “Where are you going?” Buffy challenged.

                “Out,” the vampire answered. “Since I’m neither a girl, nor waiting. All this speechifying doesn’t really apply to me, does it?” He walked away.

                “Fine,” Buffy called after him. “Take a cell phone. That way, if I need someone to get weepy or whaled on, I can call you.”

                Spike turned again to face the Slayer.

                “If you’ve got something to say-”

                “Just said it,” Buffy retorted. “You keep holding back, you might as well walk out that door.”

                “Holding back?” said Spike, incensed. “You’re blind. I’ve been here, right in it – fighting, scrapping…”

                “Since you got your soul back?” the Slayer questioned.

                “Well, as a matter of fact, I haven’t quite been relishing the kill the way I used to.”

                “You were a better fighter then,” said Buffy tonelessly.

                “I did this for you,” ranted Spike. “The soul, the changes – it’s what you wanted.”

                “What I want,” Buffy countered, “is the Spike that’s dangerous. The Spike that tried to kill me when we met.”

                “Oh,” said Spike with an understated anger, “you don’t know how close you are to bringing him out.”

                “I’m nowhere near him.” Buffy turned away from the vampire. “Dawn, get the potentials upstairs and break out that emergency kit.”

                “What are you gonna do?” Dawn questioned.

                “I’m declaring an emergency.” She walked out past Spike without acknowledging him.

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                “But what does it mean?” Xander asked, staring at the shining, rectangular portal that had appeared.

                “It means I have to go in there,” Buffy stated plainly.

                “No it doesn’t!” Willow’s voice was high and panicked. “Where does it say that? It doesn’t say that!”

                “Buffy, you don’t even know what you’re exchanging,” Principal Wood pointed out. “You don’t know if you’re ready yet.”

                “That’s the point,” said Buffy, stepping forward.

                “No,” Willow insisted, placing her hand on the Slayer’s shoulder. “Buffy, we don’t even know where you’re going or how we’ll get you back.”

                “Buffy, you can’t,” Xander added.

                “How will we get you back?” Willow asked softly.

                Buffy looked directly into the witch’s eyes.

                “Find a way.”

                She turned and leapt into the portal. It glowed brightly, then closed and vanished.

                “She’s gone,” said Willow flatly.

                “Huh,” Xander supplemented.

                “What was that about an exchange?” Anya reminded them.

                As she said it, there was another flash of light. A large demon appeared, dark-colored, formidable, and growling ferociously.

                “Ah,” said Xander, “this must be the exchange student.”

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                “Are you injured?” Dawn said to Kennedy. The latter was sitting on the couch, staring at her own bloody hand.

                “Just hurt,” Kennedy replied. “Don’t make a case out of it.” She turned to Xander and Willow. “How ‘bout you?”

                “I think we’ll live,” Xander assured her.

                “Except maybe Spike,” Anya supplied, staring at the large whole in the ceiling.

                “Is getting thrown through the ceiling what he does best?” Kennedy questioned.

                “I’ll go check on him,” Dawn offered with a sigh.

                “We’ve got bigger problems than that,” Anya pointed out, unnecessarily.

                “Yeah,” Wood agreed. “Demon loose, no Slayer.”

                “We need Buffy.” Willow frowned under the weight of her anxiety.

                “You gotta get her back,” Xander affirmed. “Looks like it’s spell’o’clock.

                “Which spell?” Anya challenged. “I mean, didn’t you see that thing? And you expect to reopen the portal without sending Willow off the deep end?”

                “Thanks for your support,” Willow complained.

                “Well, it’s true,” Anya insisted. “We’re going to have to find another way.”

                “There isn’t,” Willow shook her head in resignation, “and Buffy knew it. I’ve got to get her back.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “And this is gonna help us, how?” Kennedy inquired as Willow poured a circle of green sand on the floor.

                “The sand forms a circle, the circle acts as a barrier, and the barrier contains the portal,” Dawn explained.

                “Now what?” said Kennedy impatiently. “We hold hands and chant kumbaya or something?”

                “Maybe.” Willow shrugged and passed the sand to Anya.

                “I’m up for the hand holding,” said Vi, walking casually into the room. Kennedy turned and smiled at her encouragingly, wiggling her fingers.

                “’Til we get the magicks up and running,” Willow qualified, “I’m kinda working on my best guess here.”

                “Will, maybe we should wait,” said Xander.

                “For what?” Kennedy countered, turning to Xander, causing Vi’s hand to miss hers.

                “Spike – to see if he can bring back that demon,” Xander explained. Vi seemed to rethink her hand holding comment, standing awkwardly next to Kennedy.

                “No,” Willow told Xander, “I don’t think we should wait right now. Opening a portal this size could take days.”

                “Better get started,” said Kennedy, looking down at her companionless hand and frowning.

                Willow stared at the circle of sand, nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot.

                “I think I might pee my pants,” she decided.

                “You can do it,” Kennedy assured her. “The magicks, not the pants thing.”

                “Okay.” Willow steadied herself with a few deep breaths. She sat in the center of the circle and began chanting.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Via, concursus, tempus, spatium, audi me ut imperio,” Willow persisted. “Screw it! Mighty forces, I suck at Latin, okay? But that’s not the issue. I’m the one in charge and I’m telling you open up, portal, now!”

                “It’s not happening, Will,” Xander cautioned.

                “Give her time,” Kennedy defended, watching with slight fascination. “She’s getting it.”

                “Or something’s getting her,” Xander argued. “Will, think you better back up a little.”

                “No!” Willow’s hair turned dark as she thrust her arms back, sending magical energy toward both Anya and Kennedy. They froze in place, enveloped in a cold blue glow. Suspending them briefly in midair, Willow channeled their energy through herself and used it to finally open the portal.

                Seeing that the job was done and taking note of Willow’s black hair, Xander pulled her out of the circle. She breathed deeply as her hair faded again to its natural shade.

                “Kennedy!” Vi cried, kneeling at the brunette’s side and placing a hand on each shoulder. Kennedy gasped for breath, looking fearfully at Willow.

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                Willow stood outside the door to the room she and Kennedy shared, steeling her will. Allowing herself a sigh, she turned the doorknob.

                “Hey,” she greeted softly, “I just wanted – oh…”

                Kennedy was seated at the foot of the bed, legs dangling over the edge. Vi was behind her, kneeling on the mattress with her hands on the brunette’s shoulders.

                “Oh – I – um – we – uh…” Vi stammered in embarrassment.

                “Chill, Vi,” Kennedy encouraged her, repositioning herself to face Willow. Vi sat next to her, staring at her own feet.

                “I-I didn’t mean to disturb – anything,” Willow said apologetically. “I just wanted to see if you were okay. You were pretty quiet after…”

                “After you sucked the life out of me,” Kennedy finished for her.

                “Yeah, that,” mumbled Willow.

                “You know, I thought it would be… I don’t know – cool somehow.” She frowned to herself. “It just hurt.”

                “I’m really sorry,” Willow offered. “It’s just, you were the most powerful person nearby and – well, that’s – that’s how it works. That’s how I work…and I’m sorry. You’ve been a good friend to me and – I feel like I – violated you or something.”

                “I’m not exactly thrilled about it,” Kennedy informed her, “but I know that you – have a lot of stress. And Vi’s helping me work off the tension, right Vi?”

                “Um, yeah,” said Vi, blushing slightly.

                “Well, I’ll, uh, leave you guys to it then,” said Willow. “I was just on my way to check on Buffy and I thought I should probably check on you too.”

                “I’ll be okay,” Kennedy said softly, casually resting her head on Vi’s shoulder and grinning at Willow.

                “Oh, and Kennedy,” Willow added. “I noticed your coat on the bed there.” She nodded toward the article in question. “I just thought I’d remind you that there are _hangers_ in the closet – if you need them.”

                “Hangers,” Kennedy said slowly, “right. I don’t think my coat’s quite ready for a hanger yet,” she said pointedly, “but thanks for the reminder.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “How you doing?”

                Buffy was on her bed, holding herself and looking introspective.

                “Thanks for bringing me back,” she answered. “Again.”

                “It’s what I do.” Willow had a seat on the edge of the bed.

                “I was hard on you guys today.” Buffy looked into Willow’s eyes apologetically.

                “You were right to be, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “Although, Twinkies and kisses, also peachy motivational tools.”

                “Kiss me,” Buffy instructed.

                Willow leaned in and gave the Slayer a lasting, close-mouthed kiss.

                “You okay?” she asked.

                “I think I made a mistake,” Buffy said quietly.

                “What?” Willow questioned.

                “I-I don’t know.” Buffy sighed. “I was so hard on everyone – on you – for not using your power. But – those men that I met – you know, the Shadow Men? They offered me more power, but I didn’t like the loophole.”

                “So you turned it down?” asked Willow gently. “It’s okay, Buffy. I’m sure you had a good reason. What was the loophole?”

                “It would’ve made me – less human. I know I was talking about feeling divided, but – I don’t wanna lose that.”

                “Well, that’s something at least,” Willow offered encouragingly. “You know that you’re important to yourself. …Rethinking that sentence. Your humanity is important to you. Maybe that’s the first step toward some inner peace.”

                “Not quite feeling peaceful yet,” Buffy pointed out. “How am I supposed to know what’s right?”

                “There isn’t a way to know, Buffy,” Willow told her frankly. “Just make your choices based on what you feel. What you believe.”

                “I don’t know what I feel,” Buffy explained. “I don’t know what I believe. I can’t always figure it out. …What if I’m wrong?”

                “Wrong about what?”

                “Anything. …Everything.”

                “We’ll get by, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “I could…”

                “What?” Buffy asked sharply.

                “I was thinking,” Willow explained, “that maybe – maybe I could – help you sort yourself out – if you wanted to.”

                “Oh…” Buffy looked sadly down at her hands. “I don’t know, Will. I don’t – I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

                “Okay.”

                “I wish I could say yes,” Buffy lamented.

                “It’s okay, really. I know it’s a lot,” said Willow reassuringly. “What if I just – I mean, I could stay – tonight – if you want me…”

                “I want, but…”

                “Okay,” said Willow quickly, “I won’t push.”

                “I wish… This whole thing has me really shaken up,” admitted the Slayer.

                “Like I said, we’ll get by,” repeated the witch. “We always do.”

                “I don’t know,” Buffy contradicted. “They showed me…”

                “Showed you what?”

                “That the First Slayer was right – it isn’t enough.”

                “Why, Buffy?” Willow prompted gently. “What did you see? What did they show you?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : Storyteller


	11. Storyteller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow struggles with being supportive.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 11** : Storyteller  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : One F-bomb. Other than that, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Willow struggles with being supportive.

 **A/N** : This chapter begins the day before ‘Storyteller.’ The patrol Buffy talks of getting ready for is the one that Andrew films. There was very little to change in the actual episode (just the Willow/Kennedy stuff, really), but I still wanted a chapter. I had some ginormo plot bunnies that work well for this time frame, but I couldn’t really find wiggle room within the episode. So I used the day before, assuming more than one day passed between ‘Get it Done’ and ‘Storyteller.’

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                “Hey Xand…” Willow prompted quietly. The dining room was empty, but for the two of them. The potential Slayers were scattered in various parts of the house and Buffy was at work.

                “What is it, Will?” Xander questioned, sitting at the table and finishing his bowl of cereal.

                “I was just, uh, wondering…”

                “Wondering…?” Xander gestured vaguely, still holding his spoon.

                “How much trouble would it be for you to, uh, put a lock on my door?” Willow tried not to blush as she said it.

                “Ohhh.” Xander nodded to himself over another bite of cereal.

                “It’s just – well, never mind. You can insert your own fantasy version.”

                “Much appreciated,” Xander assured her. “It’s not for you to have a sleazy affair with Kennedy though, right?”

                “Of course not,” Willow cried indignantly. “Mostly it’s – Kennedy who needs the privacy. I don’t really wanna walk in on anything embarrassing.”

                “I didn’t really think you were having an affair with her, Will,” Xander pointed out. “That was me providing the much-needed humor around here.”

                “Oh – I knew that,” Willow mumbled. “So, you think you can do it?”

                “Shouldn’t be too hard,” Xander confirmed. “I’ve just gotta finish up that hole in the ceiling. I should be able to get to it in an hour or two.”

                “Thanks, Xand.”

                “So – how’re you doing?”

                “Fine,” said Willow with a shrug.

                “No, really,” he persisted.

                “I’m fine.”

                “Will,” he set his spoon down, focusing completely on the witch, “I know you. I know this can’t be easy for you.”

                “It’s really not all that bad.”

                “This is me,” Xander reminded her. “I know you try not to make waves.”

                “I’m dealing, okay?” said Willow firmly. “Just drop it.” She turned and left the room in a hurry.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Dawn greeted as she and Vi entered the kitchen. Kennedy was rinsing out a bowl in the sink.

                “Hi, Kennedy.” Vi was all smiles.

                “Hey, Vi,” Kennedy said brightly, turning off the water and facing the redhead. She smoothed the fabric of her purple top.

                “I-I like your shirt,” Vi complimented politely.

                “Thanks,” said Kennedy with a smile, moving closer to Vi and looking into her eyes. “It’s violet.”

                “Oh…” Vi blushed faintly. “So, um, do you, um – like violet?”

                Dawn giggled as she passed Kennedy, leaning casually against the counter and watching the display with satisfaction.

                “I think violet’s cute,” Kennedy answered. “And I sort of had a craving this morning.”

                “A – a craving?” said Vi inquisitively.

                “Yeah. I just woke up and I thought to myself, ‘I want violet on me.’”

                Dawn waved from behind Kennedy’s back and mouthed, ‘She’s talking about you,’ pointing at Vi and causing her to blush more deeply.

                “Have you ever had a craving like that?” Kennedy asked.

                “Um…maybe,” said Vi uncertainly.

                “Ohhh,” said a soft male voice. “You guys are so sweet together.”

                All three girls looked to the source of the sound, finding Andrew there with his new camera.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “It’s just – I mean, I know she has to be the Slayer too.” Willow was feeling the need to unburden herself. “But the girls aren’t the enemy, you know? I understand why she has to be impersonal in the field – I just wish she wasn’t afraid to be Buffy in front of them too. And I think that’s what it is more than trying to do what’s best for them. I feel like – or maybe I hope – that a part of her knows the girls really do need to learn about – about balance and stuff. I think more of it is about being afraid to let them see who she is.

                “And then – when she shuts down – it’s like I can’t – I don’t know why I feel like this… D’you think she really is ashamed? A-am I just hiding from the truth? What if she – she regrets – us – a-and she just doesn’t know how to tell me? I mean, you know her as well as I do; you think she loves me, right? Of course she does. I-I can feel it…most of the time. You think maybe it’s a Slayer thing. Like – when she cuts off her emotions, she has to cut me off too? You think she – she still wants me – right? God, I wish Kennedy hadn’t brought that up.

                “Oh and don’t get me started on her. She’s all, ‘Oh, I want Vi to make the first move,’ but – is it self-centered to think that she still has a crush on me? I mean, that’s gotta be part of it. All that stuff about ‘Your girlfriend’s an insensitive bitch’ …and I really don’t see Buffy that way at all. A-and I’m trying to be supportive – she needs that. I know it hurts her when I bring it up, but – I guess it kinda hurts me that she doesn’t bring it up. Where was I? … Oh yeah, Kennedy. I think she’s hoping that I’ll dump my supposedly ‘insensitive’ girlfriend and start taking an interest in her. And if that’s the case, then she really isn’t being fair to Vi in all this.

                “On the other hand, what if she really likes Vi and I just feel left out? I mean, it’s not like I wanna be with Kennedy, but – it was nice. It was – flattering – really flattering to think that someone liked me. With – with Tara it was kind of a mutual thing. We sort of fell for each other at the same time. And Buffy was pretty much the same way – I even had to push a little. Kennedy just – liked me – even though I didn’t like her. Don’t like her. I mean, I like her, but in the friendly way. She’s pretty cool most of the time – when she’s not trying to convince me that Buffy’s a bitch. Other than that though, she really is a good friend. And it is nice to have another gay person in the house.

                “Oh and how funny was it when we got caught by that janitor? And he was like, ‘Miss Summers, why are you in the closet?’ Oh, you should’ve been there. Well, maybe not – because we were doing the whole – sexy fun times thing, but it was funny. You know, maybe it’s just the lesbian thing that she doesn’t want everyone to know. Which, granted, not the most flattering thing, but I think I could live with that. I mean, I do wish she’d let me sleep in her room, but more than that I just wish I could feel like she wasn’t ashamed of – of me…”

                Willow sighed heavily.

                “Well, hey, thanks for listening. I hope that wasn’t too much truth for you.”

                Mr. Gordo stared back at her blankly.

                “Maybe I should try talking to someone who can answer back.”

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                “I don’t care if you wanna document life at ‘Command Central’,” Dawn protested loudly as she and Andrew climbed the stairs. “That has nothing to do with the mission and Vi’s shy enough as it is. You really embarrassed her. Xander,” she added in exasperation as they reached the carpenter, kneeling in front of Willow’s door with a screwdriver.

                “What is it, Dawnie?” he asked as he worked.

                “Tell Andrew he’s not allowed to record everything that happens around here.”

                “I am documenting,” Andrew defended. “So that future generations can know of the lives that heroes lead. For example,” he flipped open the camera, “what are you working on, Xander?”

                “Puttin’ a lock on this door,” Xander muttered, without turning.

                “But why does Andrew need to know that?” Dawn demanded. “If Kennedy wants a lock, then it’s her business.”

                “Actually, it was Willow that asked for the lock,” Xander corrected. “Said she was tired of walkin’ in on Kennedy at embarrassing moments.”

                “Ah yes,” Andrew nodded sagely as he spoke to the camera. “I, myself, have seen many embarrassing things in this crowded casa. You wouldn’t believe what people do in the bathroom.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Buffy and Willow stare at each other a lot.”

                Andrew was lurking quietly out of sight, camera aimed at the couch where Buffy and Willow sat.

                “I have this theory that they can communicate telepathically.”

                **_*I’m glad you’re home,*_** Willow thought to Buffy. **_*I missed you.*_**

                **_*I missed you too,*_** Buffy thought back. **_*I wish I didn’t have to leave you alone so much.*_**

                **_*Well, I had Mr. Gordo to keep me company,*_** Willow replied.

                **_*I’m glad you like him.*_**

                **_*I love him, Buffy. How could I not?*_**

                **_*Andrew’s watching us,*_** Buffy thought suddenly.

                **_*What?*_**

                **_*I can hear him whispering to that stupid camera.*_**

                **_*What’s he saying?*_** Willow prompted.

                **_*He has this theory that we can communicate telepathically.*_**

                “See that smile, viewers?” Andrew said softly. “I think maybe they tell jokes about the rest of us or something.” Buffy started laughing out loud. “See?”

                **_*He thinks we’re telling each other jokes,*_** Buffy informed Willow.

                **_*What did the vampire say to the Slayer?*_** Willow responded.

                **_*I don’t know.*_**

                **_*Poof…because he was a pile of dust.*_**

                **_*Not your best.*_**

                **_*Oh well. I tried.*_**

                “Buffy, we’re ready when you are,” Kennedy called out from the kitchen, presumably sticking her head in through the back door.

                **_*Training?*_** Willow verified.

                **_*Yeah.*_** Buffy sighed as she stood. **_*We’ll talk more later, okay. Give Mr. Gordo my love.*_**

                **_*I wanna keep it for myself,*_** thought Willow with a grin.

                **_*I promise, there’s enough for both of you.*_**

                **_*Well, okay. I love you too.*_**

                Willow echoed Buffy’s sigh as the Slayer left to join the potentials out back.

                Andrew turned the camera on himself.

                “Sometimes,” he whispered, “I think Buffy’s interested in Willow as more than just a friend. Too bad for her, Willow already has a girlfriend. I wonder if Buffy knows about that. Willow tries to keep it really secret for some reason; I heard Xander telling Kennedy about it. Kennedy was also interested in Willow, but Vi is interested in Kennedy. And I think Buffy still has a big question mark on Spike. Relationships can be tricky business. Maybe I should interview Xander and Anya...”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey, Buff,” Xander greeted the Slayer as she came in from the training exercises. Seated at the kitchen counter, Xander was helping himself to a slice of pizza. “How’d it go?”

                “Same as ever,” said Buffy with a shrug. “You ordered pizza?”

                “Yes, and I put my initials on the box too,” Xander said pointedly.

                “I don’t think that’ll stop them,” Buffy pointed out.

                “No, probably not,” Xander agreed. “But maybe they’ll look at those initials and thank me for the pizza.”

                “What kind of ‘thanking’ are we talking about here?” Buffy raised her eyebrows.

                “Oh, you know, a pat on the back, a thumbs up, tickets to a pillow fight – whatever works.”

                “I envy you, you know.”

                “If there really is a pillow fight, I’ll bring you along,” Xander assured her.

                “Not that,” Buffy dismissed. “I mean the fun – the lightheartedness. I wish I could be that way.”

                “And yet I don’t see a lot of effort to be.” Buffy glowered at him. “Just saying,” he defended quickly, “it’s hard not to flashback to your follow the leader speech.”

                “You think I was wrong?” Buffy challenged. “You know these girls need a leader.”

                “I get that,” Xander pledged. “But do you have to be so – you know what, I’m not gonna finish that sentence.”

                “What?” Buffy questioned. “Do I have to be so what?”

                “Heartless,” Xander said quietly.

                “Xander, these girls don’t want me to be their pal,” Buffy explained. “They need a hero.”

                “I don’t think that’s it,” Xander countered. “I don’t think it’s about them being afraid – I think it’s about you.”

                “What’s that supposed to mean?” Buffy snapped.

                “You have trouble trusting people, Buffy,” Xander sighed. “You know you do. Sometimes I think you’re making big steps the right way and other times I think you’re going off in the wrong direction. You don’t even show those girls the tiniest piece of who you are and they’re not benefitting from it.”

                “How did this get so serious?” Buffy mused bitterly.

                “And you might think about Willow in all this,” he added.

                “What do you mean?” said Buffy, mystified.

                “I don’t think she’s as okay with all of this as she tries to be.”

                “Xander, it’s fine,” Buffy assured him. “We’ve talked about it. And yeah, she wishes things were different, but she supports me.”

                “That’s just it though,” Xander protested. “She supports you because that’s who she is.”

                “I think you’re reading too much into this,” said Buffy flatly. “I was just talking to her before training.”

                “Put yourself in her place,” Xander suggested. “I think it’s harder for her than she lets on.”

                “It’s hard for me too,” Buffy stated firmly. “I hate saying no to her.”

                “So she asks a lot?”

                “Xander,” Buffy rolled her eyes, “of course she asks. She knows I want her, but she understands. We trust each other.”

                “Well, yeah, it’s pretty obvious that you trust her,” Xander agreed. “I mean, letting her share a room with another gay woman, that’s really-”

                “What?” Buffy demanded coldly.

                “What what?” Xander asked in confusion.

                “What d’you mean?” Buffy half-shouted. “Kennedy’s gay?”

                “You didn’t know that?”

                “No,” Buffy raged. “I mean – I suspected, but – why wouldn’t Willow tell me?”

                “Oh, hey, no,” Xander said quickly. “Maybe – maybe Willow doesn’t know.”

                “They’ve been sharing a room for weeks,” argued the Slayer. “I’m sure it came up that they’re both gay women. Oh my God.”

                “Buffy, it can’t mean what you’re thinking,” Xander said reassuringly. “Come on, you just said it ten seconds ago. You can trust her.”

                “Why wouldn’t she tell me?” Buffy repeated. “Oh God, I’ve gotta talk to her.”

                “D’you even know where she’s at?”

                “Doesn’t matter,” said Buffy as she left the kitchen.

                **_*Willow?*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Red,” Spike noted as Willow descended the stairs.

                “Hi,” said Willow with a wave.

                “Hi,” Spike responded with a puzzled expression. “Something you want, then?”

                “I-I don’t know,” Willow shrugged. “Guess I just wanna get away from Andrew and his camera.”

                “You could always just tell him to bugger off,” Spike suggested.

                “I don’t think I have it in me.” Willow sighed and sat next to Spike on his cot.

                “Don’t sit that close,” Spike cautioned her.

                “Problem?”

                “Not yet,” said Spike. “But if I got triggered, I don’t imagine Buffy’d be very forgiving after I drained you.”

                “Buffy trusts you,” Willow challenged.

                “And Buffy can use my face to make a new doorway in the wall,” Spike reminded her.

                “Right, sorry.” Willow stood again and began pacing.

                “Is something wrong?” Spike questioned.

                “I don’t – can I talk to you?”

                “I think you already are,” Spike pointed out, arching an eyebrow.

                “I just mean – if I need to open up about something – could you promise not to tell Buffy?”

                “Probably not best to keep secrets from her, Willow,” advised the vampire.

                “It’s not like that,” Willow countered. “I just – I feel like I need to talk to somebody.”

                “And somebody translates as me now, does it?”

                “Buffy says that you’re a good listener,” the witch explained.

                “Does she now?” said Spike with a smirk. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re not going to her with this.”

                “It’s not really a big deal; she’s got more important things to do.”

                “You know, I hear a lot of things in this house,” Spike informed her. “Interesting things sometimes,” he added. “I can hear it when two girls get into a spat over a cup of tea.” Willow fidgeted nervously. “I can also hear it when someone begs all of her friends, over and over, to keep quiet in front of the baby Slayers. And sometimes – when it’s quiet – I can hear a cryin’ girl all the way up in her room.”

                “Spike…” Willow’s eyes widened in confusion and fear.

                “Cryin’ so hard,” Spike continued. “And I hear a baby Slayer tryin’ to comfort her – or steal her away, dependin’ on the night.”

                Willow let out a single, quiet sob as her eyes welled with tears.

                “And you know what I think when I hear all those things?” Willow shook her head. “I can’t help but wonder why. Why is it – that you cry alone?” Spike’s chains rattled slightly as he leaned forward. “You don’t let the wannabe help you out and you don’t tell any of your friends how you feel. And to top it all off, you won’t even go to her.”

                “Sh-she needs to focus,” Willow reasoned. “With the apocalypse and The First – and you.”

                “Oh, that’s bloody rich,” Spike scoffed.

                “She doesn’t want me to bring it up,” said Willow. “I-I can see it in her face every time I try – it hurts her. She doesn’t want me to – she doesn’t want me.” She leaned against the punching bag suspended in the middle of the room.

                “Bollocks.” The chains rattled again as Spike stood.

                “It feels like she doesn’t want me, Spike.” Willow beat her first against the bag. “Why doesn’t she want me?”

                “Bollocks!” Spike repeated. “You’re ‘round the bloody twist, you are. You don’t even know what you’ve got. I went to the end of the underworld to fight for my soul and I’d _sell it back_ if I thought I could have what you have.”

                “Why do I feel this way?” Willow sobbed. “She says – over and over, she says that I’m important to her, but – sometimes – I can’t feel it…”

                “Sometimes?” Spike verified.

                “When – when we’re together everything’s fine,” Willow told him. “But the rest of the time – it feels like she’s trying to push me away. I – it doesn’t feel like it should. Why can’t I feel it?”

                “And here I thought she was the one with the trust issues,” Spike commented. “You know she loves you, Willow. You know she’d comfort you if you took this to her. She’d do anything for you.”

                “No she wouldn’t,” Willow argued.

                “Yes she would,” Spike stated firmly. “And you know it.”

                “She’d never tell them.” Willow slumped to the floor, resting her head against the bag. “I keep hoping that maybe she’ll realize she’s doing it wrong, but she never does.”

                “Maybe she needs you to _tell_ her,” said Spike. “You know she’d change her mind if you told her how you feel.”

                “I don’t want that,” Willow insisted.

                “Maybe you don’t want her to feel guilty,” Spike allowed, “but it’s still not fair to her.”

                “So why haven’t you told her?” asked the witch.

                “I’d wager it’s for the same reason you haven’t. I haven’t got the right to hurt her like that.”

                “And I do?” Willow demanded.

                “She _loves_ you,” Spike half-shouted. “She loves you so much that it scares her and here you are, doubting her! Why?”

                “It feels like – she’s ashamed of me.”

                “You are completely sack of hammers, Red,” Spike said bluntly, sitting again on his cot. “Trust her,” he added quietly. “You need to trust that she loves you even if she’s too afraid to show it and you need to tell her how that makes you feel.”

                “I can’t hurt her like that,” Willow argued.

                “She needs to know how you feel.”

                **_*Willow?*_**

                She sat up straight, listening closely.

                “That’ll be her then, will it?” Spike asked.

                “How did you know?” Willow questioned, sidetracked.

                “What, you think I forgot you can do that?”

                **_*Willow, can we talk?*_**

                **_*I’m kinda busy right now, Buffy. I need some time to-*_**

                **_*Busy?*_** Buffy questioned. **_*Busy doing what?*_**

                **_*I just need a few minutes, okay?*_** Willow stood and began drying her eyes. **_*I can come up-*_**

                **_*They’d all see you coming, Will,*_** Buffy interrupted. **_*Please, we need to talk. What are you doing?*_**

                **_*What are you doing?*_** Willow shot back.

                **_*I’m – why don’t you wanna tell me? Are you with Kennedy?*_**

                **_*What?*_**

                **_*Willow, are you sleeping with her?*_**

                “What is it?” Spike asked in response to Willow’s face. “What did she say?”

                “She – she said…”

                **_*Willow?*_**

                “How could…”

                **_*How could you think that, Buffy?*_** she finished in her mind.

                **_*You know she’s gay, right? You sleep in the same room; don’t tell me it hasn’t come up. Why didn’t you tell me, Willow?*_**

                “Red,” Spike cautioned as Willow took a step forward.

                **_*I’m not sleeping with her, Buffy!*_**

                **_*So why can’t you tell me where you are?*_**

                “Willow,” said Spike warily.

                **_*I’m with Spike.*_**

                **_*With Spike? Why?*_**

                **_*Why? Maybe I just had to find out.*_**

                **_*Find out?*_**

                **_*What it’s like to fuck a vampire.*_**

                **_*…Willow, that’s not funny.*_**

                **_*Who’s telling a joke?*_** Willow challenged. **_*Wow, I understand why you wanna rip his shirt off. He’s got such a muscled chest.*_** Willow’s hands roamed the vampire’s upper body.

                “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?” Spike grabbed Willow’s wrists and pulled her hands away.

                **_*Oh and such strong, cold hands,*_** added the witch, starting to cry again. **_*Feels so nice to warm him up.*_**

                **_*Willow, stop it. Where are you really?*_**

                “Willow, what happened?” Spike prompted as Willow sobbed, leaning forward onto his chest.

                **_*Willow, answer me.*_**

                “Why? Why?” Willow begged.

                “Why what?”

                **_*Willow?*_**

                “Why – can’t – she trust me?”

                “What did she say?”

                “Why? Why? Why?”

                “Talk to me, Willow. What’s got you so-”

                “Spike, I can’t find Willow. I need you to – oh my God.” Buffy froze halfway down the stairs.

                “No,” Willow sobbed. “I can’t. I can’t.”

                “Willow!” The Slayer rushed down the remaining steps. Spike released Willow’s hands as Buffy pulled her into an embrace, kneeling next to the weeping witch. “Willow, what is going on here?”

                “I think you should answer that one, pet,” Spike commented. “What the hell did you say to her?”

                “Don’t’ start with me, Spike,” Buffy warned him. “Willow, are you okay?”

                “You were doing the bloody psychic thing,” Spike argued. “She told me. We were – havin’ a nice chat until you interrupted. Then she started cryin’ and tryin’ to grope me or something.”

                “Willow, tell me what’s wrong,” Buffy insisted.

                “You – you…” Willow struggled through her continued sobbing. “You have to – ask that? Buffy, you – accused me – of – of…”

                “Ohhh balls,” Spike muttered.

                “Willow…I didn’t mean to – to hurt you.”

                “Before you came in she was saying, ‘Why can’t she trust me?’” offered Spike helpfully.

                “Willow,” Buffy began softly, “I’m-”

                “Hey, what’s all the commotion?” Kennedy peered downstairs through the open basement door. “Oh God, Willow.” She rushed down the stairs.

                “You’d be best advised to turn around, Ken,” Spike informed her.

                “And that means something because I care about a vampire’s opinion,” Kennedy scoffed, kneeling opposite Buffy. “Willow, what happened?”

                Buffy stared blankly at the potential Slayer.

                “You.” Willow stood up straight, eyes burning with anger. “This – is your fault.”

                “My fault?” Kennedy questioned, standing too. “How is-”

                She broke off as Willow slapped her face.

                “Get out of here,” Willow told her coldly.

                “Willow, is it-” Willow moved to slap Kennedy again, but Buffy grasped her hand.

                “It’s okay, Will,” Buffy said soothingly. “Kennedy, I think you’d better get out of here,” Buffy advised.

                “I’m not going anywhere until someone tells me what’s going on and how exactly it’s my fault,” Kennedy said stubbornly.

                “Fine,” Buffy decided. “We’ll leave. Spike,” she tossed him a set of keys, “if she bothers you too much, you have my permission to eat her. And I thought I told you to take down those chains anyway.” Spike chuckled as Buffy started walking Willow up the stairs.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Tension runs high at Command Central, viewers.” Andrew spoke to his camera, seated on Spike’s cot in the basement as he delivered the exposition. “From what yours truly has been able to gather, Spike has threatened to eat both Willow and Kennedy. The Slayer has only narrowly rescued her best friend, but left Kennedy to fend for herself against the tragically misunderstood vampire. What set off Spike’s burst of anger can only be speculated. Has The First attempted to pull the trigger or is he lashing out against his own tortured soul? Oh, here he comes now.”

                Andrew turned the camera.

                “Spike, any comments about-”

                “Don’t point that sodding thing at me,” Spike shouted as he moved toward Andrew and his camera. “No, hang on,” Spike decided, holding up a hand. “I can do better. Need the game-face on. Let’s shoot it again.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Willow, I’m really sorry,” Buffy began. The pair of them were seated on the bed in Willow’s room, cross-legged and facing each other.

                “No,” Willow sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I really overreacted.”

                “Not denying that,” Buffy assured her. “But I overreacted too. I should’ve calmed down and listened to you and I’m really, really sorry. You know I would never hurt you like that on purpose. She just – I mean, you know I’ve been worried about her.”

                “And haven’t I told you there’s nothing to worry about?”

                “I know,” Buffy said sadly. “And I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I just – from the beginning,” she prefaced. “Xander and I were talking and he mentioned that Kennedy was gay… I kinda figured if Xander knew she was gay then you must have known. A-and I thought the only reason you wouldn’t have told me…”

                “You thought wrong,” Willow said reassuringly. “I would never do that to you, Buffy. I love you.”

                “So you didn’t know?” Buffy asked with raised eyebrows.

                “I knew,” Willow answered somberly. “I’ve known for a little while.”

                “So why didn’t you tell me?” She placed a hand supportively on the witch’s knee.

                “I didn’t want you to worry, Buffy,” replied Willow softly. “When I knew for sure that she was interested, I set her straight just like I told you I would.”

                “Straight as in gay, but not for you, right?”

                “Yes.”

                “’Cause, downstairs, she still seemed pretty gay for you, Will,” Buffy pointed out. “Maybe you weren’t clear enough.”

                “I’m pretty sure she was just being friendly,” said Willow. “Vi’s been trying to start something with her. But you know there’s only so much I can do,” the witch defended. “If she’s still got a crush on me, then it’s her problem.”

                “Will, it’s one thing for her to have a crush on you, but it’s another that you to let her sleep in your room, knowing that.” Buffy took a deep breath. “And it’s a third thing that you didn’t tell me.”

                “I’m sorry for those last two things,” the witch said meekly. “I really was just trying to save you the trouble. You already have so much to deal with and Kennedy really didn’t feel like a big deal to me.”

                “She feels like a huge deal to me,” Buffy explained. “I know I can’t always give you what you need and – sometimes I worry that you’ll find someone who will.”

                “Buffy, I don’t want anybody else.”

                “Now would probably be the wrong time for a cheesy joke, huh?”

                “When I think about you…” Willow grinned, leaning forward to kiss the Slayer. Buffy kissed back briefly before pulling away.

                “Weren’t we talking?” she questioned. “No fair with the kisses.”

                “I’m sorry,” Willow told her softly. “Not about the kissing,” she qualified, “but I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Kennedy.”

                “We should really move her downstairs now, Will.”

                “Okay,” Willow allowed, “but what’re we gonna tell her?”

                “God, I hate this!” Buffy complained, closing her eyes and massaging her temples in frustration.

                “It’s okay, Buffy,” Willow offered consolingly. “I think she’s really interested in Vi and she knows it won’t happen with me. I told her I have a girlfriend.”

                “Wait, what?” Buffy asked suddenly, eyes snapping open. “Willow, I asked you not to.”

                “Relax, Buffy,” Willow insisted calmly. “I didn’t tell her it was you.”

                “Who’d you say it was then?” said the Slayer in confusion.

                “I didn’t say,” Willow explained.

                “Oh… I-I’m sorry, Will,” Buffy said meekly. “I just snapped at you again. And did I mention how terrible I feel about snapping at you before?”

                “I forgive you, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “Can you forgive me?”

                “Of course I can, Will.”

                “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. And – I’m also sorry about – the overreacting.” Willow hung her head. “I-I was trying to hurt you and – I couldn’t feel worse about it. I wish I could take it back.”

                “You know I forgive you, Will,” Buffy stated gently, leaning in to kiss the witch’s forehead. “I would like to know why you felt the need to actually grope him though.”

                “It’s hard to think of lies in the moment like that,” Willow answered.

                “So you talked about his chest, which must be the groping,” Buffy reasoned. “And then his hands…”

                “When he stopped me… God, Buffy, I can’t believe I did that.”

                “I forgive you,” Buffy repeated firmly. “We both made mistakes. But…we’re okay, right?”

                “I’m always okay when I’m with you, Buffy,” Willow pledged. She pondered bringing up the sleeping arrangements again, but decided that she was unwilling to push anything with things already so strained. “Are you okay?”

                “Yeah.” Buffy nodded. “I’m not exactly thrilled about you sharing your room with a lesbian who may or may not have a crush on you, but I’ll be okay.” They kissed softly. “Maybe I’ll have a talk with Kennedy.”

                “Like that won’t make it obvious,” Willow challenged.

                “I can be subtle,” Buffy defended.

                “You could always try to encourage Vi,” suggested Willow. “I know Kennedy wants her to make the first real move.”

                “Because that wouldn’t be awkward at all,” Buffy noted with sarcasm. “Hey, Vi, the stake points this way. Oh, and by the way, tell Kennedy you like her.”

                “She points her stake the wrong way?” Willow questioned.

                “Once,” Buffy admitted.

                “Well, even if it doesn’t pan out with Vi, you don’t have to worry about Kennedy, okay?” She held her hand up to Buffy’s cheek, stroking affectionately with her thumb. “I love you, Buffy. You can trust me; please don’t forget that.”

                “Can I say I’m sorry again?” Buffy asked as she brought her hand up to Willow’s and grasped it gently.

                “If I can say it too,” Willow answered.

                “I’m sorry.”

                “I’m sorry, too.”

                “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too.”

                They looked deeply into each other’s eyes for a moment, each hoping that the other understood the sincere remorse. In unison, they leaned toward each other and kissed. It was slow at first, but escalated to passionate and forceful as their emotions intensified. Buffy guided Willow to lie down on the bed, leaning over the witch as they continued to kiss.

                “You…” Willow panted breathily as the Slayer started kissing her neck. “You want to, Buffy?”

                “No one’s watching,” Buffy responded between kisses.

                “What about Mr. Gordo?”

                Buffy stopped and glanced briefly toward Willow’s sleeping bag and the stuffed pig perched on her pillow.

                “Let him look,” the Slayer decided, beginning to lick at the hollow of Willow’s neck.

                Suddenly, the doorknob rattled as someone tried to turn it.

                “Hey!” Kennedy complained from the other side, knocking impatiently. “Come on, Willow. Let me in,” she requested, assuming that the witch was probably alone and crying.

                Willow waved her hand in the direction of the door.

                Thunk.

                “Ow.”

                **_*What did you do?*_** Buffy prompted with her thoughts, smiling and suppressing a giggle.

                **_*Pushed her into the wall,*_** Willow thought back. **_*Not a violent push though,*_** she added as Buffy shot her a stern look. **_*Just a little push.*_**

                “Willow!” Kennedy persisted, knocking on the door again.

                **_*I should probably go,*_** thought Buffy with a pout.

                **_*You don’t have to.*_** Willow wrapped an arm around the Slayer’s lower back. **_*Please stay. Kennedy’ll go away in a minute or two.*_**

                “Willow.” The potential Slayer knocked again to emphasize her presence.

                **_*I know,*_** Buffy thought, **_*but it might be kinda obvious when I come out.*_**

                **_*So don’t go out,*_** Willow suggested.

                **_*I was also planning to patrol.*_**

                Willow closed her eyes and groaned.

                **_*I’m sorry, honey.*_** Buffy frowned sympathetically and kissed the witch again. **_*I hope you know that I really do wish I could stay.*_**

                Grasping Buffy’s hand in her own, she pulled it up to her lips and kissed it softly.

                **_*Do what you need to do,*_** she thought reassuringly. **_*Be the Slayer. I won’t pressure you.*_**

                **_*Thanks, Will.*_** Buffy smiled warmly. **_*I really appreciate it. I appreciate you.*_**

                “Dammit, Willow,” Kennedy ranted. “Just open up and talk to me, please.”

                **_*I love you, Buffy.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                **_*One for the road?*_** Willow raised her eyebrows suggestively.

                **_*I’d love to.*_**

                They shared a slow, mournful kiss.

                “Willow.”

                Buffy pulled away sadly, standing up and crossing to the door. She took a deep breath and then opened it.

                “Buffy?” Kennedy questioned as the Slayer slipped out and shut the door again behind her.

                “Look, Kennedy,” Buffy began, “she doesn’t wanna talk to you right now, okay. You need to respect that.”

                “Can someone at least tell me what it is I did?” asked the potential Slayer with confusion in her eyes.

                “She’s stressed, Kennedy. I think she’s sorry for slapping you.”

                “You think?” Kennedy arched an eyebrow.

                “No promises,” Buffy told her. “And – it’s not really something you did exactly.”

                “You know why she’s mad?”

                “She’s my best friend,” Buffy explained, “of course I know. But like I said, she’s stressed and still kind of in blame mode.”

                **_*I’m thinking of you.*_** Willow’s thoughts came to Buffy from the other side of the door.

                “Why am I getting blamed though?”

                “It’s up to her if she wants to tell you,” said Buffy gently.

                **_*Wanna know where my hand is?*_**

                “Just give her time,” added the Slayer. “And space too. She’ll come out when she’s ready.”

                **_*No fair,*_** Buffy complained. **_*I’m trying to have a conversation out here.*_**

                “What if she needs someone?” said Kennedy. “Are you sure she’s okay to be alone?”

                “It’s not like she’s suicidal, Kennedy,” Buffy countered with a roll of her eyes. “She just needs to sort some stuff out. We talked; she’ll be okay.”

                **_*I’m remembering that time in the supply closet at the school.*_**

                “She just needs some time to herself, okay?”

                “I – okay.” Kennedy turned and headed for the stairs.

                **_*That takes care of Kennedy,*_** Buffy informed the witch. **_*I told her you’d come out when you’re ready.*_**

                **_*Thanks,*_** Willow thought back. **_*I’ll make good use of the time. This psycho blonde chick left me with an itch to scratch.*_**

                **_*Wish I could help you with that,*_** Buffy replied as she followed Kennedy downstairs. **_*I’m itchy too… You know, that’s not our best metaphor ever.*_**

                **_*Well, it might not be scratching, but there are definitely some rapid finger motions involved.*_**

                **_*I love my wicked witch.*_**

                **_*I love you too.*_**

                **_*I’m gonna get ready to go,*_** thought Buffy as she sighed. **_*Feel free to keep me informed for as long as I’m in range.*_**

                “Hey, Buffy,” Andrew greeted her eagerly at the bottom of the stairs. “I was thinking I’d video your patrol tonight. Make a record for future generations – a-and it would probably help the potentials to watch the tapes.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “So…” said Kennedy, sitting on the bed, watching Willow rummage through her research books. “Looks like you finally had Xander put that lock on the door.”

                “I thought – you and Vi might like the privacy,” Willow mumbled.

                “Which would be great if I could get her to come back up here,” Kennedy noted bitterly. “She’s so damn shy and it’s getting annoying.”

                “Why don’t you just take charge of the situation?” the witch prompted.

                “Because,” Kennedy sighed, “I don’t want her if she can’t get past the nervousness. I think she can be pretty cool when she loosens up.”

                “I like her taste in hats,” Willow commented casually.

                “Isn’t she adorable?” Kennedy agreed. “Still…she needs to show me that she’s not always gonna be nervous around me.”

                “I’m sorry,” added Willow quietly. “I shouldn’t have blamed you…or slapped you.”

                “Okay… So can you tell me what was going on?” Kennedy asked her gently.

                “It was – girlfriend problems,” said Willow with a frown.

                “And you blamed me because…”

                “She, uh, made an – accusation.”

                “Oh.” Kennedy looked down at her hands in embarrassment.

                “Yeah,” Willow sighed. “We talked about it though. I think we’re actually stronger for it.”

                “Does that mean you’re not gonna cry tonight?” Kennedy challenged.

                “I don’t know,” Willow admitted. “I’m feeling – better than usual, but – haven’t exactly solved everything yet.” She turned a page in one of her books. “Wait a minute.” Scanning the page intently, her brow furrowed. “Oh my God. That could solve everything.”

                “What?” Kennedy asked in confusion.

                “Huh?” Willow turned to the potential Slayer. “Oh, not – not my everything,” the witch clarified. “But – Spike’s everything.” She got to her feet, holding the book. “I have to go talk to Giles.”

                “Don’t you wanna tell Buffy?”

                “Well, I’m not really sure if we can get it,” Willow explained. “Or how well it’ll work. I don’t really want her to get her hopes up just yet. Giles will have to do some travelling. If it pans out, we can tell her when he comes back with it. I have to go now.”

                Kennedy sighed and as her head sank into her pillow. Willow was just too much trouble to figure out sometimes.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Come on,” Buffy demanded. “No one else thinks this is idiotic?”

                It was morning again at 1630 Revello Drive and a crowd of people were gathered in the kitchen for breakfast. Andrew still hadn’t stopped playing with his camera, much to Buffy’s frustration.

                “Or is it important?” Xander suggested. “I mean, Buff, I don’t get why this is bothering you so much.” He gave an expression questioning the Slayer’s mood.

                “Because it’s a waste of time,” Buffy protested. “Come on, someone has to agree with me. Spike?” She looked to the vampire, hoping for his helpful snark.

                “Long as you’re not pointing that thing at me, seems like a fine way to keep the boy busy,” Spike mumbled as he smoked a cigarette.

                “This isn’t about keeping busy,” Buffy insisted. “This is about war. I’m sorry to jump all over you guys, but…I have to tell you what’s really going on.”

                **_*Army of Ubervamps?*_** Willow questioned in her mind.

                **_*It’s time,*_** Buffy affirmed.

                **_*You can do it,*_** the witch thought supportively.

                “There’s something new,” Buffy began.

                Andrew decided it was time to leave the room, not caring for the verbose speeches and serious contemplation. He crossed quietly into the dining room and turned the camera on himself once again.

                “Honestly, gentle viewers, these motivating speeches of hers tend to get a little long. I’ll take you back in there in – in a little while, but in the in between time, I thought you might want to know a little about me, your humble host. You see, I am a man with a burden. A man with a dark past. You see, I was once a super villain…”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Warren was cool,” Andrew mused at the end of his story. “And wasn’t Jonathan just the cutest thing? Well, shall we see if Buffy’s still talking?”

                Turning the camera again to the kitchen, he listened in on another snippet of Buffy’s speech.

                “She’s not done,” Andrew commented, zooming in on Willow, who stood by the sink. “Even Willow doesn’t seem to be paying attention and she can usually take a lot of that stuff. Something seems to be troubling her lately. Perhaps the witch is contemplating the darkness that still lies within her mind. Side note – I once had my own personal encounter with Dark Willow.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “She was something,” Andrew reflected. “Indeed she was.”

                “I wish you wouldn’t talk about that.” Willow was leaving the kitchen via the dining room and had apparently caught part of Andrew’s story.

                “The – the gentle viewers will enjoy our epic struggle,” Andrew told her. “Perhaps you’d like to talk about the darkness that still harrows your soul.”

                “Do you like it when people talk about how you killed Jonathan?” Willow demanded.

                “Um, no – but that wasn’t exactly-”

                “Well, maybe I don’t like it either,” Willow snapped. “Okay – so just – bugger off!”

                She stormed from the room in a huff.

                Andrew was quietly reflective for a brief moment.

                “Let’s see what the little locusts left for breakfast, shall we?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Will,” Xander prompted, knocking gently on the door to her room.

                “It’s open,” Willow answered, seated next to her sleeping bag.

                “What’re you doing?” asked the carpenter, having a seat on the floor by the foot of the bed.

                “Having a staring contest with Mr. Gordo,” Willow mumbled, grinning sideways at her friend.

                “Can we talk?”

                “Yeah,” said Willow. She turned, resting her back against the wall.

                “Yeah?”

                “Yeah…” she continued to stare at the stuffed pig in her lap.

                “Will,” Xander began softly, “you’re keeping stuff from Buffy.”

                “We talked about Kennedy,” the witch informed him.

                “You’re keeping more stuff,” he persisted.

                “Yes, I am,” Willow agreed.

                “Yeah…” Xander was surprised that she had admitted it so readily. “So – don’t you think you should talk about it?”

                “I wanna tell her,” said Willow, “I just…”

                “How bad is it?” inquired Xander tentatively.

                “Bad,” Willow stated bluntly. “Better since yesterday, but – still pretty bad.”

                “ _Better_ since yesterday?” Xander questioned. “Flying off the handle over the Kennedy thing made things better?”

                “It sort of helped me realize some stuff,” Willow explained. “I’ve been so worried that – that maybe she doesn’t really – want me.”

                “She does, Will. It’s hard for her too.”

                “I know. I’m starting to get it now. I mean, she said, like a hundred times, that she really does want me, but I was having trouble believing it because – her actions didn’t really match her words. But yesterday…she was still there. Even after – she was still there and she still loves me. And it’s not like I thought she didn’t – I just didn’t _know_. I’ve – really been a wreck these past few weeks.”

                “You should’ve talked to someone,” Xander pointed out. “Even if you didn’t want to talk to Buffy – and I get that – but you could’ve talked to any of us.”

                “I didn’t want it to be real, Xand,” said Willow quietly. “I wanted to be able to trust her words – and I couldn’t – and I didn’t want to admit that.”

                “And can you trust her now?”

                “I think so,” the witch reasoned. “I still don’t fully understand why she thinks it’s best for us to be apart – but I know now. I know she loves me and that helps a lot.”

                “You should talk to her.”

                “I will,” said Willow fervently. “Really, I will. I just need some time to – to think everything through.”

                “I get that.”

                “I know that – things are hard for her – and I don’t want to make it any worse – but I think I kind of have to.”

                “I know you try to keep things peaceful,” said Xander levelly.

                “It’s – I feel like it’s risky. But things will only get worse if we don’t talk about it.”

                “You can do it in your own time,” Xander assured her. “I won’t tell her.”

                “Thanks,” said Willow, finally meeting his eyes.

                “If you need someone to talk to in the meantime…”

                “I know.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Willow sat on the couch with a gloomy expression, holding Mr. Gordo to her chest and hardly paying attention to her surroundings as she pondered.

                “Hey, here’s something I think you’re going to be interested in, gentle viewers,” said Andrew as he aimed his camera at the witch.

                “Andrew,” Willow said blankly, looking up at him. “Look, I told you I don’t want-”

                “Hey Willow,” he interrupted, “can you get out of the way?”

                “Oh…” Willow stood and meandered out of Andrew’s shot.

                “Look at the fine work Xander did replacing the window sash,” Andrew informed the camera. “You can’t even tell it’s new, it blends in so well. He’s extraordinary.”

                “I guess I’ll just go somewhere else then.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Back again?” Spike questioned as Willow stepped off the bottom stair.

                “No more chains?” asked the witch.

                “Buffy’s decision,” the vampire explained. “I’m none too thrilled with it, to be honest.”

                “Didn’t she say she wanted the Spike that was dangerous?”

                “Dangerous is one thing,” Spike qualified, “girls coming down all by their lonesome – that’s another.”

                “I can do magic, Spike,” Willow defended.

                “Depressed as you are, I’d be surprised if you could float a pencil.”

                Willow pointed to a pencil cup that was sitting on top of the washing machine. Three pencils zoomed across the room, stopping directly above the vampire’s heart.

                “Fair enough,” Spike allowed. The pencils dropped with a clatter. “You still haven’t told the Slayer how you feel,” he stated.

                “I was going to.”

                “And?”

                “I didn’t.”

                “Fountain of information, you are.” Spike sighed. “You’re worried she’ll feel guilty.”

                “More than that,” Willow qualified. “I think you were right – she’ll change her mind – but it would be out of guilt and I really don’t want that.”

                “Women are bloody picky,” Spike noted. “Not enough to just give ‘em what they want.”

                “That’s not what I want,” the witch countered. “I mean, I know she loves me-”

                “Step up from yesterday.”

                “But it still feels like she’s ashamed.”

                “My advice – I think you’re confusing ashamed with afraid,” Spike offered.

                “Maybe you’re right,” allowed Willow. “I don’t know how to help her get past that though…not without hurting her.”

                “I think it’ll hurt less the sooner you do it,” advised the vampire.

                “I don’t – I don’t know how to handle this.”

                “Does the talking help?”

                “A little.”

                “Imagine how much more it’ll help when you’re taking to her.”

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 **Next Chapter** : In the in Between Time


	12. In the In Between Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Mr. Fan. I'd like you to meet my friend…

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 12** : In the in Between Time  
 **Rating** : PG-13 or R?  
 **Warnings** : Language, mental breakdown.  
 **Summary** : Hello, Mr. Fan. I’d like you to meet my friend…

 **A/N** : Okay, so, no part of this chapter is set during an episode. I had a lot to work in and no wiggle room in ‘Lies my Parents Told Me.’ As such, this chapter falls between ‘Storyteller’ and ‘LMPTM.’ In my head, this is one day before ‘LMPTM’. I wanted to put this in with the episode, but I just couldn’t make it work. Enjoy it anyway!

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                Another round of training exercises had been completed. The sun hung low in the California sky and the potential Slayers made their way inside 1630 Revello Drive, exhausted, but exhilarated at the same time. Buffy watched the girls filing in through the back door as she struggled with a difficult decision. The time was now.

                “Hey, Kennedy,” Buffy called as the potential Slayers shuffled off. “Hang back a sec.”

                “What do you need?” Kennedy asked with a slight trace of frustration.

                “Just a chat,” Buffy prefaced. She watched the last of the girls disappear into the house. “I’ve, uh, noticed you kinda checkin’ out Willow.”

                “What’s it to you?” Kennedy challenged.

                “Just curious,” Buffy said with a shrug.

                “What, are you gay?” asked the brunette doubtfully.

                “That’s not really here or there,” Buffy replied. “It’s not like I’m hitting on you. Just talking, okay?”

                “So does the Slayer Army have don’t ask, don’t tell policy?” Kennedy questioned.

                “I’m bi, if you care,” said Buffy shortly.

                “Wait, really?” Kennedy’s eyes swept the blonde’s body.

                “Don’t give me that look,” Buffy told her.

                “What look?”

                “That – that was practically a come hither look,” said the Slayer.

                “Man, you didn’t even ping my gay-dar,” Kennedy noted.

                “Still not hitting on you,” Buffy clarified.

                “Really? That’s why you started the conversation with ‘I’ve been watching you watch other women’? You seriously gonna tell me you’re not interested?”

                “I’m not,” Buffy defended.

                “God, what is with the women in this town?” Kennedy complained. “I mean Willow spends all her time crying over some loser girl who won’t even give her the time of day and she still won’t let me in. You come up to me with this mixed signal crap. And the only one who’s interested is Vi and I can’t get her to make a fucking move.” Kennedy paused and drew a breath. “Oh, and now you’re going all deer-in-the-headlights on me. That’s nice.”

                “Kennedy,” Buffy said softly, a distant and painful look in her eyes. “She – she cries?”

                “Willow?” Kennedy verified. “Yeah. I could’ve sworn you were there in that basement the other day.”

                “But – I-I thought that was just…” Buffy trailed off.

                “That’s pretty much what she’s like every night,” Kennedy told her. “You’re her best friend and you didn’t know that? Guess you guys aren’t as close as you thought.”

                “Every night…” Buffy blinked slowly. “And it’s about – about her girlfriend?”

                “If ‘girlfriend’ is the word you wanna use for it. I lean toward ‘insensitive bitch,’ personally,” the brunette said scathingly. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” she realized. “That’s her business.”

                “How do you know what she’s crying about?” Buffy prompted.

                “I didn’t at first,” Kennedy explained. “After she told me about her girlfriend, I asked her though. Hey, do you know who it is?” she added suddenly. “’Cause I think it might be Anya. There seems to be a little tension there, you know. And there’s the whole left-at-the-altar thing; that’s probably enough to make any girl want to experiment.”

                “I think you need to get your gay-dar fixed,” Buffy replied listlessly.

                “Come on, who else could it be?”

                “I need to go.” Buffy walked slowly toward the back door.

                “Hey, wait.” Kennedy grabbed the Slayer’s arm. “We were talking, weren’t we? What happened?”

                “Let go of my arm,” Buffy told the potential Slayer.

                “Hey, come on. What’s up?”

                “Let go,” Buffy said again.

                “Is something wrong? Why does nobody ever talk about it? First Willow, now…” Kennedy’s eyes widened. “Oh shit!”

                “No,” said Buffy weakly, unsure of what she was saying no to.

                “Oh – but that means – oh God – when I said – I didn’t mean…sarcasm!” she tried. “I was being, um, ironic or something.”

                “I’m gonna punch you if you don’t let go of my arm.”

                “Buffy, I didn’t realize. I’m sorry,” Kennedy said quietly. “If you need an ear-”

                CRACK!

                Kennedy fell backwards onto the ground, clutching her jaw.

                “Fuck!” she exclaimed, springing quickly to her feet. “Fuck! Shit!”

                Buffy paid no attention, now continuing her uninterrupted walk into the house.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Kennedy, what happened?” exclaimed Vi as her fellow potential Slayer came into the kitchen.

                “Tray-neen as-i-den,” Kennedy said thickly through her rapidly swelling jaw.

                “We were done with training…weren’t we?” Vi’s eyes widened, wondering if she’d missed some additional instruction.

                “Estra,” Kennedy tried. “Wid-” she paused in frustration at her aching jaw. “Wid Bubby.”

                “And she hit you?”

                “As-i-den,” Kennedy repeated.

                “I’ll get you some ice,” offered Vi helpfully.

                “Urgh,” Kennedy groaned painfully.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy stared at the door. Why was she even thinking this? She should be going to Willow. All she had to do was reach out with her thoughts. But she stared at the door instead. Behind the door was the stairs. Down the stairs was the basement. In the basement was Spike.

                _I feel like I’m worse than anyone._

                She wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Part of her wanted something to hit. Part of her wanted to be punished. Spike probably wouldn’t punish her though…even if she begged for it. What good was a soul? She could hit him though. He wouldn’t stop her. However, each passing second lessened her desire to hit something.

                _Honestly, I’m beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends, my girlfriend. I feel like I’m not worthy of their love._

                Willow cried. Willow cried every night. And it was her fault. What kind of girlfriend was she? What kind of sick person made the love of their life cry every night? Now she understood why Willow had reacted so strongly over the Kennedy issue. She realized that Willow had probably been crying on Spike’s shoulder. And Xander must have known too. He had been trying to tell her without telling her – like he had done before with Riley… Of course Willow would tell Xander how she felt. Xander, Spike, Kennedy, and probably Dawn too. Everybody, but her. Willow wouldn’t come to her because Willow thought she was being insensitive.

                _I have all this power._

                Fucking Slayer. Buffy had never asked to be the fucking Slayer. Buffy just wanted to live her life, make friends, fall in love…and the fucking Slayer wouldn’t let her. And those stupid, prattling, little girls were jealous of her.

                _I didn’t ask for it. I don’t deserve it. It’s like…I wanted to be punished._

                “Buffy?”

                Dawn. Buffy recognized the voice. Dawn was watching Buffy stare at the door.

                “Dawn,” Buffy said tonelessly.

                “Buffy, are you okay?” the teen sounded concerned.

                “No.” Damn. The truth wasn’t the right answer to that question.

                “Buffy, what’s wrong?”

                “I…” What?

                “Buffy.” Dawn stood between her and the door.

                “I need to go to my room,” Buffy stated.

                “Okay…”

                What was it? Loud voice. Something about a loud voice. Damn. What was it?

                “Help,” Buffy said softly.

                “Buffy, you’re scaring me,” the teen pleaded.

                “Help,” Buffy repeated. Oh, damn. Loud voice. “Help.” Still not loud.

                “Buffy, I don’t know what’s wrong.” Dawn was stressed. One more casualty to the Slayer.

                “Please help,” Buffy tried desperately. “I-I can’t be loud, but please help.”

                “I’ll help you, Buffy,” Dawn assured her. “Just tell me what you need.”

                “I need…” What did she need? “I need to go to my room.”

                “Okay,” Dawn said again. She placed both hands on Buffy’s shoulders and tried to turn her body.

                “Work with me, Buffy,” Dawn instructed.

                “Willow,” Buffy lamented tenderly.

                “Do you want me to get Willow?” Dawn asked her.

                “No.” And yes.

                “Buffy, what happened?” The teen continued to push fruitlessly against the Slayer’s shoulders.

                “Willow.” Why couldn’t she say it in her head?

                “Did Willow do something? Is this a spell gone wrong?”

                “No.”

                “I’m gonna go get Xander,” Dawn offered.

                “Don’t leave,” Buffy begged. “I can’t.”

                “You can’t what, Buffy?” Dawn prompted gently. “Move?”

                “Just…” Don’t let me go down there. “I…” Want to be punished. “Please, I need to go to my room.”

                “I’m trying,” Dawn insisted.

                “They’ll see,” Buffy realized. It was all for nothing if they saw now. “Please, they can’t see.”

                “Buffy, I don’t understand.”

                “No one does,” she commented sadly. “Please, I don’t want them to see.”

                “Don’t want who to see what?”

                “Them,” Buffy explained. “Me.” Why didn’t Dawn understand? “I need to go to my room.”

                “Buffy, I’m not strong enough,” Dawn told her. “Let me get Xander. Or Spike.”

                “No!” There was the loud voice. “Help! I-I need to be strong. Slayer.”

                “Buffy, I don’t know how to help you.”

                “Led be,” said another voice from the doorway.

                “No,” Buffy pleaded. “Don’t look.”

                “What’s going on?” Another voice.

                “Bi, change dis ice blease.”

                “Kennedy, what happened to your face?” Dawn asked.

                “I did,” Buffy supplied.

                “Bubby, led be helb you.”

                “She keeps saying she needs to go to her room.”

                “I’b goddid.”

                “Don’t look,” Buffy said again.

                “Dawn, keeb Bi busy,” Kennedy instructed as she pulled Buffy’s arm over her shoulder and began dragging her toward the stairs.

                “Don’t look.”

                “Who, be? Your secred’s sabe wid be.”

                “I should’ve knocked you out.” Her feet thumped against each stair.

                “I geddid, Bubby. Don’ worry aboud whad I see.” Thumping stopped. No more stairs. “Albos’ dere.”

                “I hit your face.”

                “Really? I diddin nodice.” Kennedy’s weight shifted. She was opening the door.

                “I need help.”

                “Do you wan’ be do ged Willow?”

                What was the answer? Damn it. What was the answer? She had to get this one right.

                “I need more time.” How much time did she have?

                “Okay. Wan’ be do sday wid you?”

                “You’re not supposed to see.”

                “I’b sorry.”

                “Can I blame you?”

                “Ib you wan’ do.”

                “I can’t. I’m trying, but I can’t.”

                “Dry nod do blabe yourselb, Bubby. … I’b sorry I called you a bisch.”

                “I am a bitch. … Why are you looking?”

                “Because I’b nod scared.”

                “You’re one of them.”

                “I won’ d-tell theb.”

                “I hit your face.”

                “We cobered thad.”

                “I’m a bitch.”

                “No you’re nod – not. Willow understands that. Bubby – dabbit still can’t do ebbs…or ibbs. You should talk to Willow.”

                “I’m a bitch.”

                “Stob that. … Dabbit, bees too. Well, not bees – too bany bees – but bees. Dabbit. You know what I bean, right?”

                “I hit your face.”

                “I’b gonna hit yours ib you don’t stob that.”

                “Hit me.”

                “… No.”

                “I’m a bitch.”

                “No.”

                “I hit your face.”

                “I don’t care.”

                “She’s gonna bring your ice soon.”

                “Dabbit.”

                “I – need help.”

                “You ready to talk to Willow?”

                “I don’t know.” Was the time out already?

                “What about Dawn?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Kennedy said you wanted to talk to me,” Dawn said softly as she entered the room. Buffy was lying on the bed and did not turn toward the teen.

                “Hi, Dawn,” Buffy said quietly.

                “Are you okay?” the teen questioned fearfully.

                “No,” Buffy sighed. “But I’m trying.”

                “Can you tell me what happened?” She sat cross-legged on the foot of the bed.

                “I’m a bitch,” Buffy supplied.

                “Why do you think that?” Dawn asked her quietly.

                “Because it’s true.”

                “Don’t say that,” Dawn insisted.

                “Oh. I’m sorry. I-I should lie.”

                “No,” Dawn countered. “Buffy, you’re not a bitch, okay? You’re my sister and I love you.”

                “Don’t,” Buffy advised.

                “Buffy…why can’t you tell me what happened?”

                “I already did,” replied Buffy in confusion. “I’m a bitch, try to keep up.”

                “Stop calling yourself that,” Dawn protested.

                “But I am,” Buffy answered simply.

                “Buffy, I want you to get better. What do you need?”

                “I need Willow,” Buffy said promptly.

                “I can go get her,” Dawn suggested.

                “Not yet,” Buffy cautioned. “I’m not ready yet. I’ll get her when I’m ready.”

                “Was it something with Willow?”

                “I’m a bitch.”

                “Stop it!” Dawn screeched. “I don’t like seeing you this way.”

                “I’m trying to be the other way,” said Buffy. “I forgot how though.”

                “Buffy…”

                “Thank you, by the way,” Buffy said warmly.

                “For what?”

                “For stopping me,” Buffy clarified.

                “What d’you mean?” Dawn asked, mystified.

                “You helped me,” Buffy said kindly. “You helped me like I asked, even though I wasn’t loud.”

                “Kennedy helped you,” Dawn corrected her.

                “Kennedy carried me up the stairs,” Buffy stated. “You’re the one who helped me. I’m glad you got the message. I was trying to be loud, but it wasn’t working.”

                “What do you mean, loud?”

                “A cry for help is when you say ‘help’ in a loud voice,” Buffy responded.

                “I think it works in a soft voice too.”

                “Tested and proven,” Buffy agreed. “You helped me. Thank you, Dawn.”

                “I still don’t know what I helped you with, but you’re welcome.”

                “I-I was staring at the door,” Buffy explained.

                “I kinda noticed that actually,” said Dawn. “So, did the door call you a bitch?”

                “Doors can’t talk, Dawnie,” Buffy reminded her.

                “So why were you staring at the door?”

                “I wanted to be punished,” Buffy said quietly. “Want,” she corrected. “I want to be punished.”

                “What do you think you need to be punished for?”

                “I’m a bitch.”

                Dawn pressed her palm against her forehead and sighed.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey, what happened to your face?” Willow asked as she entered the kitchen. Kennedy was seated at the counter, tossing her ice pack from hand to hand.

                “That one’s getting old,” Kennedy said with a roll of her eyes.

                “Seriously though, what happened?” Willow pressed.

                “I bade a bistake…God dabbit.”

                Willow giggled.

                “A mistake, huh? Because, you know, so many people get massive bruises on purpose.”

                “Oh by God, that’s hilarious,” Kennedy replied sarcastically, pressing the ice to her face again.

                “So what kind of mistake?” Willow questioned, pulling a jug of apple juice from the fridge.

                “Willow, I’b sorry,” Kennedy prefaced.

                “Sorry?” Willow moved to the cabinet for a glass.

                “You need to talk to Bubby,” Kennedy told her.

                “Did she say she needed something?” Willow replied casually.

                “Willow…she needs you,” Kennedy told her softly.

                “I – what d’you mean?”

                “Willow,” Kennedy turned the witch’s hand before she could overfill her glass. “You should really go talk to her.”

                “No, you shouldn’t,” Dawn countered as she came into the room.

                “Dawn, you don’t understand,” Kennedy argued.

                “And you do?” Dawn challenged.

                “Not – combletely, but more than you.”

                “Enlighten me then,” Dawn requested.

                “No,” Kennedy answered flatly with a half-glance at Willow.

                “Someone tell me what’s going on!” Willow and Dawn demanded at the same time. They looked at each other and then at Kennedy.

                “My libs are sealed,” Kennedy told them.

                “Dawn,” Willow said gently, “what’s happening?”

                “I don’t know.” The teen sighed in frustration. “I-it’s Buffy.” Willow paled. “She’s – well, she seems sort of – crazy. But, like, lucid or something.”

                “Steb ub combared to what I saw,” Kennedy noted.

                “What the hell happened?” Willow asked urgently.

                “She needs you,” Dawn supplied. “Just not yet. She said she’ll get you when she’s ready.”

                “I don’t think you should wait,” said Kennedy.

                “What happened?” Willow repeated slowly. Then she froze, listening.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                **_*Willow,*_** Buffy thought tentatively.

                **_*I’m here,*_** Willow assured her quickly.

                **_*Willow, honey, I’m so sorry,*_** Buffy conveyed.

                **_*You don’t have anything to be sorry for,*_** Willow replied.

                **_*Please forgive me,*_** Buffy requested.

                **_*You haven’t done anything wrong,*_** Willow asserted.

                **_*Yes I have. I have and I don’t know how to make it better, but I’m still sorry.*_**

                **_*Buffy, what’s going on?*_**

                **_*I’m sorry and I need you, Willow.*_**

                **_*Your room?*_** the witch questioned.

                **_*Yes. Please, I need you. I’m so sorry.*_**

                **_*I’ll be right there.*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Willow, you still with us?” Kennedy waved a hand in front of the witch’s face.

                “She’s ready,” Willow replied, getting up to leave the kitchen.

                “Where are you going?” Dawn questioned in confusion. “Kennedy, do you know what this is?” She gestured toward Willow’s retreating back.

                “Search me,” said Kennedy with a shrug.

                “Tell me what’s going on,” Dawn demanded again. “Please,” she added quietly.

                “It’s not my secret to tell, Dawn,” Kennedy informed her. “I already told one more person than I should hab – dammit. Oh, hey, M’s. When did those come back?”

                “Fine, you don’t have to tell me specifics, just tell me _something_ ,” Dawn pleaded.

                “I told Buf – ow – I told Bubby something.”

                “You didn’t call her a bitch, did you?”

                “Um…not on burbose,” Kennedy answered. “And I told her I was sorry. And I guess she’s still saying it, but that’s not what did it,” she assured the teen quickly. “What I told her was – something about Willow.”

                “What about Willow?”

                “Not mine to tell,” Kennedy repeated. “But, um, she feels – ow – bad about it.”

                “Did Willow cheat on her?” Dawn blurted out. “Oh – wait – um...pretend I didn’t say that.”

                “It’s okay,” Kennedy assured her. “I know.”

                “You do? Since when?”

                “Right about the time I called Willow’s girlf – ow.”

                “You called Willow’s girlfriend a bitch,” Dawn supplied.

                “Yeah, that,” Kennedy admitted.

                “So why did you say it?”

                “I didn’t know it was Bubby,” Kennedy said softly.

                “And that would have made a difference?”

                “Yeah. I mean, I would hab used nicer words and…I can sort of – ow – understand why. They both make a lot more sense now. I mean, I think Bubby’s doing it wrong and so is Willow. They’re both being bretty stubid about things, but I can see where they’re coming from – ow. And I understand why Willow thinks she needs to…well, not mine to tell.”

                “Well, I still don’t understand,” Dawn pointed out. “What made Buffy go crazy?”

                “She’s blaming herself – ow. Fucking effs – ow!” Dawn raised her eyebrows. “Um, sorry about the language.”

                “Like I care,” Dawn dismissed. “So, she’s blaming herself?” Kennedy nodded. “You told her she was being a bitch to Willow and she believes it.”

                “Sounds kinda bad when you but it that way,” said Kennedy. “I mean, I guess it’s sorta my – bad, but I didn’t mean to. And I really don’t know what just happened with Willow.”

                “She’s ready,” Dawn realized.

                “What?”

                “Buffy, she’s ready,” Dawn explained. “She said she’d get Willow when she was ready.”

                “And Willow just knows?”

                “Apparently,” said the teen with a shrug.

                “Damn, I neber had a chance,” Kennedy noted.

                “What?”

                “Pretend I didn’t say that,” Kennedy amended quickly.

                “You’ve been putting the moves on Willow?” Dawn questioned.

                “Doesn’t matter. Like I said, I neber had a chance.”

                “What about Vi?” Dawn demanded.

                “I can’t decide if – ow – if I’m interested in Bi,” Kennedy replied levelly.

                “Why not? What’s she doing wrong?”

                Kennedy pondered Dawn for a moment.

                “You’ll go straight to her with it,” Kennedy observed.

                “So?”

                “Ib she can’t f – ow – figure – ow – it out on her own, then I don’t want her.”

                “But she likes you,” Dawn argued. “You know she likes you.”

                “I like her too,” Kennedy answered plainly.

                “Then why the hell aren’t you two making out right now?” said Dawn in frustration.

                “Well, there’s the big bruise on my ffface.” She winced as she said it. “Making out would be kinda di – hard with that. And liking each other isn’t exactly enough – ow. Tell her she’s got what it takes, but she just has to bring it.”

                “Fine,” Dawn decided to drop the topic. “There’s something I still don’t understand though. Do you know why Buffy was staring at the basement door?”

                “Nope,” Kennedy replied. “I think some of – ow – the girls are down there. Maybe she wanted to kill them.”

                “Oh, don’t joke about that,” Dawn said quietly.

                “What?”

                “There was – this one time. This demon made her crazy.”

                “And she went on a killing spree?”

                “No. She, uh, tried though. Me, Xander, Willow…”

                “Oh… Surely that wasn’t it though,” Kennedy reasoned. “And I think Spike’s telling them war stories anyway, so-”

                “Spike!” Dawn exclaimed. “Oh my God! … I shouldn’t have left her alone.” She turned as if she was about to run back up to Buffy’s room.

                “Hey,” Kennedy called. “She’s with Willow now.”

                “Oh – right,” said Dawn, turning back again.

                “So…Spike?”

                “Not mine to tell,” Dawn answered.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Willow said softly.

                “Willow!” Buffy was seated on the edge of her bed, facing the door and rocking in place.

                **_*I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.*_**

                Willow quickly shut and locked the door behind her before hurrying to the bed and putting her arms around Buffy.

                “Buffy, what happened?” Willow asked gently.

                **_*Please, I’m so sorry.*_**

                “You can talk to me,” Willow encouraged her.

                **_*I’m having trouble with the talking. Thinking’s easier. I don’t think the words are coming out right when I talk.*_**

                “Yeah,” Willow sighed. “Dawn said you sounded kinda – crazy.”

                **_*Why would she say that?*_** Buffy questioned. **_*I told you the words aren’t coming out right.*_**

                “I’m here for you, Buffy,” Willow told her firmly. “I love you.”

                “Don’t.” Buffy pulled out of the witch’s embrace, scrambling toward the headboard.

                “Buffy, what’s wrong?” Willow moved closer.

                “Don’t,” Buffy said again.

                “Don’t what?” Willow prompted.

                **_*Don’t love me,*_** Buffy thought.

                “Buffy, that’s the one thing I can’t do for you.” Her arms encircled the blonde once more.

                **_*Please don’t.*_**

                “I love you, Buffy.”

                **_*It hurts.*_**

                “I can’t stop loving you, Buffy.”

                **_*You should hate me.*_**

                “I love you.”

                And the tears finally came. Rapidly, one after another, the tears raced down Buffy’s face, running from the prison they had finally escaped. Buffy made no sound, no sobs escaped her, but the tears didn’t care. Even though Buffy had hurt Willow, the witch still loved her.

                “Buffy, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Willow brought her hand up to Buffy’s face, wiping away each tear as it came.

                “I – I was talking to – and – I’m a – and… Hang on, I need to think.”

                “Okay, sweetie,” Willow offered. “Take your time.”

                **_*I was talking to Kennedy.*_**

                “Oh?” And then, “Oh!” Willow exclaimed. “Buffy, I know she’s been flirting and stuff, but you didn’t need to beat her up.”

                “No,” Buffy said quickly. “Willow, that’s not – that’s not why I hit her.”

                **_*I’m guessing you’ve seen her face, then?*_** Buffy asked.

                “Buffy, you don’t need to feel this bad about one punch,” Willow said consolingly.

                **_*I don’t feel bad about hitting her,*_** Buffy informed the witch.

                “In that case, why _did_ you hit her?”

                **_*She wouldn’t let go of my arm,*_** Buffy answered. **_*She took that punch.*_**

                “Maybe you should start from the beginning,” the witch suggested.

                **_*Okay,*_** thought Buffy. **_*I was talking to Kennedy. The other girls had already gone in. I was gonna confront her about the whole hitting-on-you thing.*_**

                “Was?” Willow questioned.

                **_*We got kinda sidetracked,*_** Buffy explained. **_*She misinterpreted – I told her I noticed her checking you out – she thought I was making a pass at her. When I told her I wasn’t, she started ranting.*_**

                “Ranting?”

                **_*About the girls in this town. She said she couldn’t get Vi to make a move. And she said I was giving her mixed signals. … And you – you won’t let her in even though – even though you cry every night…*_**

                “Oh, Buffy, no,” Willow said quickly, understanding at last. “Buffy, please don’t blame yourself.”

                **_*I’m so sorry.*_**

                “Buffy, it’s not your fault,” Willow assured her.

                **_*It is my fault.*_**

                “No, Buffy,” Willow insisted.

                **_*You should hate me. Why don’t you hate me?*_**

                “Because I _love_ you, dummy,” Willow responded through tears of her own. “I’m not angry with you. I cry because I love you and I miss you and I wanna be with you.”

                **_*And because I push you away.*_**

                “You’re trying to do what you think is best, Buffy,” Willow said reassuringly. “And yeah, it hurts to be away from you, but I don’t blame you.”

                “I’m a bitch,” Buffy said flatly.

                “You’re not a bitch, Buffy.”

                “I am,” Buffy insisted. “Willow, I hurt you and I hate myself.”

                “Don’t,” Willow said firmly. “You didn’t hurt me, Buffy.”

                “You don’t have to lie to me.”

                “You didn’t hurt me,” Willow repeated. “Just because it hurts doesn’t mean that _you_ hurt me.”

                “You should be with Kennedy.”

                “What?” Willow demanded.

                “I’m a bad girlfriend,” Buffy explained. “You deserve someone better.”

                “There isn’t anyone better, Buffy,” Willow told her. “You’re the best person for me.”

                “It’s wrong,” Buffy defended. “I’m wrong for you. You shouldn’t have to suffer for loving me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

                “There is no ‘supposed to be’,” Willow argued. “Love’s not a ‘supposed to be’ thing; it’s an ‘is’ thing. I love you, Buffy. I won’t give up on us…”

                “You should…I’m bad.”

                “You’re not.”

                “I don’t want you to hurt. I’m not worth your tears.”

                “That’s my call,” said Willow plainly. “I wouldn’t know how to stop loving you even if I wanted to… And more importantly, I don’t want to. Buffy, if – if you want us to be – over…”

                “I don’t,” Buffy answered. “I love you, but I’m not right for you… I just think you should be happy.”

                “ _You_ make me happy, Buffy. Sometimes I hurt, but you’re the one who helps me with that.”

                “No, I’m an insensitive bitch.”

                “Buffy, I don’t give a damn what Kennedy told you,” Willow countered. “You are _not_ a bitch. And you’re not insensitive either. I’m the one who didn’t tell you how I feel.”

                “Hypocrite.”

                “What?”

                “You’re blaming yourself,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Okay,” Willow conceded. “But you’re still not insensitive. You didn’t know I was hurting.”

                “But I should have,” Buffy argued. “I should have realized it when we were together.”

                “But I’m happy when we’re together,” said Willow. “Just being close to you makes all the pain go away.”

                “Really?”

                “Really, Buffy. It’s that sense that – that if I can just touch you – just once, then everything will be okay. For both of us.”

                “I like that,” Buffy commented. “It’s really pretty.”

                “I stole it from Kennedy,” Willow admitted. “But it really is how I feel.”

                “Kennedy’s pretty good with the words.”

                “Until someone punches her in the face,” Willow noted.

                “Yeah,” Buffy sighed. “I think she told me not to blabe myselb.”

                “Smart girl,” said Willow.

                “I’m a dummy,” Buffy announced.

                “Sometimes,” Willow answered.

                “You’re a dummy, too.”

                “Frequently.”

                Buffy began stroking Willow’s hair.

                “I still feel really terrible, Will,” Buffy said gently.

                “I wish you didn’t,” Willow offered, “but I understand why you do.”

                “God, when she told me…” Buffy shook her head sadly. “It was like something – Willow, it broke my heart,” she finished shakily.

                “I can make it better,” Willow said softly, “if you’ll let me.”

                “Let you?”

                “All you have to do is accept it.” They looked into each other’s eyes. “I love you, Buffy.” Buffy inhaled sharply. “Better?”

                “Getting there,” Buffy answered.

                “Give it time.”

                “I love you too.”

                “I know you do,” Willow assured her. “Really, I do. I know you would never hurt me.”

                “Finish it.”

                “What?”

                “Your sentence,” Buffy clarified. “Finish it.”

                “O-on purpose,” Willow admitted quietly.

                “Trust goes both ways, remember?” said Buffy. “I don’t wanna have to keep asking this, Will… Why didn’t you tell me?”

                “Well, I had this crazy idea that you might blame yourself,” Willow pointed out. “And it’s not that I think you’re insensitive – I know you’re very sensitive and I wasn’t sure how to tell you without hurting you. And you know I hate it when you worry over me. A-and I didn’t – I thought you might change your mind, but it would be out of guilt.”

                “So if I asked you to move into my room right now…”

                “I’d say you should think it over,” Willow replied. “Make sure it’s because you really want it and not because you feel guilty. I don’t wanna be the type of person who would guilt trip you into anything.”

                “I still wish you would have told me how you feel,” Buffy said gently. “You put so much energy into trying to spare me from worrying, but it ends up with you doing all the worrying and I don’t want that. I mean, if we have to worry, we should at least be sharing it.”

                “You already have so much to worry about, Buffy,” said Willow.

                “I’m the Slayer, Will. I have superhuman capacity for worrying. You shouldn’t have to do it alone. Let me help you,” she insisted. “Tell me what you worry about.”

                “A lot of it is stuff that I shouldn’t even worry about.”

                “Tell me,” Buffy repeated.

                “Promise you won’t feel guilty?”

                “No.”

                “Buffy…I don’t want this to hurt you,” Willow said meekly.

                “I want you to tell me, Will,” Buffy assured her. “It’s hurting _you_ and I want to help you.”

                “I-I’m ashamed of how I feel, Buffy,” Willow began. “Because you tell me – you tell me that I don’t need to worry and I worry anyway.”

                “You don’t want me to blame myself and I don’t want you to worry,” Buffy responded. “Let’s skip to the part where we get over that and talk to each other anyway.”

                “Okay,” Willow agreed. “Can I start small though?”

                “Of course you can.”

                “Sometimes I worry about Spike,” said Willow.

                “And that’s your small worry?” Buffy questioned.

                “Less and less over time,” Willow explained. “And also less by comparison. At first – when you wouldn’t tell him about us – it bothered me… It was like you were keeping us in separate boxes or something. Like you couldn’t love me while you were with Spike. It took me a while to get past that.”

                “I’m sorry,” Buffy offered quietly.

                “And also – it really bugs me when he calls you ‘pet’ and ‘luv’ and stuff. I know it’s just how he talks, but it gets to me…”

                “Believe me, if I could stop him I would,” Buffy pledged. “And you can call me that stuff too, if you want.”

                “Not in front of the potentials,” Willow pointed out.

                “Oh…”

                “And I wouldn’t want to use Spike’s words anyway.”

                “Stop that,” Buffy countered.

                “What?”

                “You just tried to gloss over one of your worries, Will.”

                “Oh…” Willow frowned. “Buffy, I – I know it hurts you when I bring it up.”

                “We decided to skip that part, remember?”

                “I just – I wanna support you, Buffy.”

                “Willow, I don’t need Support-O-Gal,” said Buffy. “I need my girlfriend.”

                “Part of it,” Willow began, “well, i-it felt like my opinion didn’t matter. Like it was something where you couldn’t trust me because I’m not the Slayer.”

                “I’m sorry.”

                “A-and the other part – the worse part… I-it feels – when I’m not with you – it feels like you’re ashamed of us – of me.”

                Buffy closed her eyes and sighed deeply, fighting more tears.

                “I wish I didn’t feel like that,” Willow vowed, “but I do.”

                “I was afraid of that,” Buffy admitted. “I want you to know that I’m not ashamed of you – or us. I love you, Willow.”

                “I kinda figured that out. There was a little while there when – I wasn’t really sure.”

                “You could’ve told me… You should have told me. I really wish you would’ve come to me – instead of…”

                “I didn’t go to Kennedy,” said Willow. “I mean, she sleeps in my room and she kinda caught me at it – but it’s not like I opened up to her or anything.”

                “And – and Spike?”

                “I’m sorry…” Willow offered. “I was looking for someone to talk to by then.”

                “And was Spike your first choice?”

                “Um…” Willow hedged.

                “Um?”

                “M-my first choice…” Willow stammered. “I – might’ve talked to – Mr. Gordo.”

                Buffy giggled briefly. Willow was glad to hear the sound.

                “I love you, Willow.” Buffy kissed her girlfriend’s cheek.

                “I love you too,” said Willow softly.

                “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could come to me.”

                “Buffy, I knew I could come to you,” Willow contradicted. “But I also knew it would hurt you.”

                “It hurts because it’s so hard for me to say no to you, Will,” Buffy informed her. “If you had ever pushed – just a little bit harder, I would’ve caved in.”

                “But…Buffy, that’s part of the problem,” Willow contested. “I feel like – like I’m in the way. I’m in the Slayer’s way.”

                “Well, the Slayer’s not here right now,” Buffy responded.

                “What?” Willow’s brow furrowed as she contemplated her girlfriend.

                “We’ll get back to that,” Buffy assured her dismissively.

                “But – but…” Willow spluttered. “Buffy, I know that it’s important to you. I don’t wanna stop you from doing your job.”

                “No,” Buffy stated firmly. “Willow, that’s what The First told you. Am I the only one who thinks that evil beings might just maybe lie to us?”

                “I know it can lie…but it can also use the truth. A-and it told me that after I found out it wasn’t – wasn’t what it said it was. And more than that – it’s the feeling I get from you, Buffy.”

                “I…” Buffy’s eyes welled with more tears.

                “You talk about feeling divided and it makes me worry…” Willow looked timidly into Buffy’s eyes. “Does the Slayer love me?”

                “Of course the Slayer loves you,” said Buffy, trying to keep her voice firm, in spite of more tears. “I’m divided, but – not like that,” Buffy tried to explain. “ _I_ love you, Will,” she emphasized.

                “Do you ever wish you didn’t?” Willow inquired quietly.

                “Never,” Buffy assured her. “I had my chance to be less human, remember?”

                “Does the Slayer wish she didn’t love me?”

                “That’s not how it works,” said Buffy, attempting to clarify the matter. “I. Love. You.” She paused after each word for emphasis. “It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or – what state of mind I’m in. The only thing I wish for – is you.”

                “I…” Willow swallowed once as her eyes began to water. “That’s – what I hoped for. I just – there was so long that I didn’t know. And I was so afraid because I couldn’t just trust you.”

                “I understand that,” said Buffy gently. “Believe, me if there’s one person who understands trust issues, it’s me.”

                “I felt so alone.”

                “I’m so sorry,” Buffy vowed, softly kissing Willow’s forehead. “If there’s anything I can do… I wanna make it up to you.”

                “Just love me,” said Willow simply.

                “I do.”

                “That’s all I need. I understand now that you care and it makes all the difference in the world.”

                “I’m glad.”

                “It was hard,” Willow continued. “It was hard to understand because – your actions didn’t really match your words.”

                “Willow, I lied to you.”

                Buffy let the sentence hang heavily in the air for a moment. Willow stiffened in her arms.

                “What?”

                “Well, I didn’t tell you the whole truth,” Buffy qualified. “When I – when I said we should be private. When I said the girls needed the Slayer. Every time I tell you I’m afraid to let go.” She sighed, shifting slightly. “That’s not the whole truth.”

                Willow grabbed one of Buffy’s hands and kissed it gently.

                “So tell me the whole truth,” she requested.

                “I guess I – I actually started with my smallest worry,” Buffy admitted. “A-and you never pushed it so – I didn’t tell you the rest. I’m sorry.”

                “It’s okay,” said Willow soothingly. “Talk to me, Buffy.”

                “It’s – it’s less about the girls needing a leader. I mean, they do need one and they’re afraid – but more than that…”

                “You’re afraid.”

                Buffy nodded.

                “Do you know what you’re afraid of?” the witch prompted.

                “Some of it,” said Buffy. “I mean, I don’t want them to see that – that I have weaknesses. I want them to think – that I’m untouchable. No hate, no fear…no love. Just cold, impersonal justice. I don’t want them to doubt me. Giles already does.”

                “Giles does?” Willow questioned.

                “He thinks I’m blind about Spike. He said my – my feelings color my judgment.”

                “Well, between you and me, Giles is kinda dumb sometimes too,” Willow pointed out.

                “But if he can doubt me, then I know those girls can doubt me,” Buffy reasoned. “That’s why – part of why – I’m afraid to let them know who I really am. What if they don’t like fallible, human Buffy? What if they can’t trust me?”

                “Can you trust them?” countered Willow. “I know that it’s scary, Buffy. And sometimes trust can end in a lot of pain. But do you remember the other part? How it can also be really wonderful?”

                “I haven’t forgotten,” Buffy pledged. “It’s not all sunshine and puppies though.”

                “No, it isn’t,” Willow agreed. “But isn’t the alternative even worse?”

                “I know,” Buffy sighed. “It all makes sense on paper – but it’s so much harder to put into action.”

                “Especially in a house full of strangers,” Willow acknowledged. “I understand where you’re coming from. I think most people want to come across as infallible. But you really don’t have to carry it all alone though. Even if it’s what you think they want, that doesn’t mean you have to do it.”

                “There’s something else,” said Buffy. “Something else that – I haven’t told you.”

                “What is it, Buffy?” Willow stroked the back of Buffy’s hand in an affectionate and supportive gesture.

                “When I – sometimes – when I fall asleep…” Buffy began. “I have – dreams.”

                “Prophecy dreams?” asked Willow.

                “No.” Buffy shook her head. “I don’t really know what they are – which is kinda the problem – but I know they’re not prophecy dreams. I dream about…” Taking a deep breath, she willed herself to say it aloud. “I dream about my mom.”

                “Oh, Buffy,” said Willow sympathetically.

                “And she – she tells me – pretty much what you just said,” Buffy confessed. “That I need to rest – that I don’t have to let everyone else control my life – and I don’t know,” said Buffy desperately. “I don’t know what it is. If it’s The First, then I should probably do the opposite – unless it knows that’s what I’ll do and so _it_ says the opposite. And if it’s not The First – if it’s her – then it’s probably really important advice. And if it’s just my own – my own subconscious, then I don’t know what the hell to do. And if-”

                “Ignore it,” Willow interrupted. “Ignore it,” she repeated at a glance from Buffy. “Don’t let it affect your decisions. Pretend like it didn’t even happen and just make your choices based on what you think is best, not on anything else.”

                “Once again, on paper it spells G-O-O-D and in my head it spells H-U-H.”

                “Give it time,” said Willow reassuringly. “Not all of your decisions have to be made right away.”

                “I want you to move into my room, Will,” Buffy stated plainly. “I don’t wanna put it off.”

                “And I want you to think it over,” Willow countered calmly. “I need to know that it’s not about guilt.”

                “How long?”

                “Until you know, Buffy. Until you know that it’s what you really feel is the best thing to do. Bring it up again when you know that.”

                “Willow, I need you to stay,” said Buffy. “I can’t be away from you tonight.”

                “I’ll stay tonight,” Willow pledged. “But we’re making an excuse. I’m not gonna let this situation pressure you into something you might not want.”

                “What excuse?” Buffy questioned.

                **_*Dawn,*_** Willow thought to both Buffy and her sister.

                There was a pause as they waited for a reply.

                **_*Holy crap!*_** answered the teen.

                **_*Didn’t mean to scare you,*_** Willow offered in apology.

                **_*You owe me a new shirt,*_** Dawn retorted. **_*I was drinking that apple juice you left out.*_**

                **_*Run it through the machine,*_** thought Willow dismissively.

                **_*Fine… I’m guessing there’s a reason you’re in my head,*_** prompted Dawn.

                **_*Wanted to let you know that we’re not coming down tonight,*_** Willow informed her.

                **_*Is Buffy okay?*_**

                **_*I’m fine, Dawn,*_** Buffy assured her.

                **_*Oh…so you’re listening too.*_**

                **_*I’m sorry I scared you, Dawn,*_** thought Buffy. **_*I was really losing it down there, but I’m feeling a lot better now. Thanks again for your help.*_**

                **_*It’s what we heroes do,*_** Dawn responded.

                **_*Listen, Dawnie,*_** Willow requested, **_*does anyone else know what happened?*_**

                **_*Kennedy does,*_** replied Dawn.

                **_*Get her to help you then,*_** Willow continued. **_*We need you to make an excuse for the others. Tell them I messed up a spell or something and that it’s gonna take me a while to put it right – and that anyone who disturbs my concentration is getting turned into a bunny.*_**

                **_*Anya won’t like that.*_**

                **_*Tell Anya first,*_** thought Willow, smiling at Buffy.

                **_*Why don’t you guys just come out of the closet already?*_**

                **_*Not closeted,*_** Buffy thought defensively.

                **_*Still fits,*_** Dawn countered.

                **_*We might tell them soon,*_** Buffy supplied. **_*We haven’t reached a decision yet.*_**

                **_*Just make an excuse so we’re covered either way,*_** Willow added.

                **_*Fine, fine,*_** Dawn thought at them. **_*What about Kennedy’s face? She’s telling people you guys were sparring and it got out of hand.*_**

                **_*Works for me,*_** Buffy thought back.

                **_*We’ll see you in the morning, okay Dawnie?*_** thought Willow.

                **_*Okay,*_** Dawn thought back. **_*I love you guys.*_**

                **_*We love you too,*_** Willow told her.

                **_*Love you, Dawn,*_** supplemented Buffy.

                The couple relaxed into each other’s embrace.

                “I’m glad you asked me to stay,” Willow said gratefully.

                “I’m glad you said yes,” Buffy replied. “I really need you, Will. I think maybe more than you realize.”

                “I’m here for you, Buffy.”

                “Willow…” Buffy hesitated. “Can you go into my head?”

                Willow froze.

                “Please,” added Buffy.

                “Buffy,” the witch said softly. “That’s another thing I don’t want you to do out of guilt.”

                “No,” Buffy countered firmly. “Willow, I don’t want you to.”

                “Huh?”

                “The idea still scares me half to death, but I need you to.”

                “I’m still not following you, Buffy.”

                “Remember – when I said the Slayer’s not here,” Buffy reminded her. “Well, I meant that. That – that part of me – that way of thinking – those instincts and impulses… Willow, I can’t get at them.”

                Willow sat up straight and stared into her lover’s eyes.

                “It’s like that part of me is locked up,” Buffy explained. “Like it threw a fit and locked itself in its room.”

                “And – just to verify,” Willow prefaced, “you do want it back, right?”

                “Yes,” Buffy confirmed.

                “Just checking,” said the witch. “I mean, I know you’ve been conflicted about that.”

                “I wouldn’t be me if we started taking pieces out,” Buffy reasoned. “It’s all part of who I am. Some day I might even come to terms with that.”

                “And…you’re sure this is what you need, right?” Willow questioned. “I mean, the last time you were completely gone – so I had to. This – this is deep stuff, Buffy. With you conscious – it kinda scares me a little.”

                “I need all my parts in working order,” Buffy answered. “And I’ve been trying to – to unlock the door myself, but I can’t. You’re the only person I could ever trust to help me with this, Willow.”

                “Okay,” Willow assented. “This could take a while though.”

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                “Where’d you disappear to?” Dawn asked Vi as she slipped in the back door.

                “Went for a walk,” said Vi with a shrug, fridge bound.

                “After sunset?” Dawn nodded toward the darkened windows. “Did you meet anything creepy?”

                “I don’t like to brag,” said the potential Slayer, pulling a pizza box from the fridge.

                “You did, didn’t you?” Dawn’s eyes widened.

                “I dusted two,” Vi admitted with a faint blush.

                “Oh my God, that’s so cool,” Dawn praised.

                “I was kinda nervous about the first one,” Vi began, clearly eager to share the story. “We were staring each other down,” she put a plate into the microwave, “and I thought to myself, ‘I’m a potential Slayer. And what’s this guy?’”

                “And what was he?”

                “A potential pile of dust.” Vi hopped up on the counter as she waited for the microwave to finish.

                “Well said.” Dawn nodded in appreciation. “So what about the second one?”

                “Scratched my shoulder,” Vi noted, indicating the torn fabric of her shirt. “Other than that, no major damage. It was like Buffy said about that Turok-Han. ‘Dust, just like the rest of them.’”

                “Cool,” Dawn repeated as Vi started in on her pizza.

                “So,” she mumbled between bites, “is Kennedy mad at me?”

                “No,” said Dawn. “Should she be?”

                “I don’t know.” Vi swallowed a large mouthful. “She seemed pretty moody earlier.”

                “I think she was just stressed about that big bruise on her face.”

                “Maybe.”

                “Wow, you’re really tearing into that pizza,” Dawn observed.

                “When did we even get pizza?” Vi questioned between bites.

                “Xander orders one every few days,” Dawn informed her. “I think he knows one of the managers there.”

                “Cool. Definitely glad it was here.”

                “I can see that.”

                “Sometimes, after training – or like tonight, after a fight – I just get so hungry.”

                “Sort of like those cravings Kennedy was talking about?” Dawn raised her eyebrows suggestively.

                “Oh my God.” Vi blushed. “Do you really think she was talking about me?”

                “Come on,” Dawn insisted, “she didn’t have to bring up the color of her shirt. She was so totally coming on to you. You know, she told me she likes you,” she added casually.

                Vi’s eyes widened as she forced herself to swallow again.

                “Oh my God!” the potential Slayer exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say so sooner?”

                “I believe her exact words were, ‘I like her’ and ‘she’s got what it takes; she just needs to bring it.’”

                “What do I do?”

                “What do you mean, do? You walk up to her and just say, ‘Hey, let’s go out.’”

                “I-I couldn’t do that,” Vi blushed.

                “Oh sure,” Dawn rolled her eyes. “Ask her to slay two vampires, no problem. Ask her to ask out the girl she’s had a crush on for weeks, now she’s shy.”

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                Buffy blinked dazedly. Sunlight was streaming through her window and a pair of arms was wrapped around her. A faint smell of strawberries lingered in the air and Buffy felt pleasantly warm. She pulled herself closer to the woman next to her.

                “Did I fall asleep?” she asked drowsily.

                “For a little while,” Willow answered warmly. “How do you feel?”

                “Warm, safe, whole,” Buffy listed.

                “You two getting along in there?” the witch questioned.

                “Don’t call me two,” Buffy retorted.

                “You know what I mean,” said Willow with a sigh.

                “And you know I’m not two,” Buffy countered. “I’m like – I’m like those circles that you use when you compare and contrast – and they overlap.”

                “A Venn diagram,” Willow supplied.

                “That,” Buffy confirmed.

                “So, are you more in compare or contrast?”

                “I think I’m a happy medium right now,” Buffy decided. “Definitely feeling happy. And strangely well-organized.”

                “So…” Willow prompted. “How was it?”

                “It was – intense. And scary too. Though not as scary as I expected it to be.”

                “Things rarely are,” Willow said sagely.

                “Thank you, Willow,” said Buffy devoutly. “From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you more,” Willow teased.

                “Nope, I love you infinity,” Buffy said dismissively.

                “Well then, I love you the same.” The witch leaned in for a kiss.

                “I’ve missed you so much, Will.”

                “I know that now,” Willow assured her. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

                “I’m sorry I wasn’t completely honest with you.”

                “I’m sorry infinity,” Willow said smugly.

                “Damn,” said Buffy with a pout. “Well, I’m sorry infinity too.”

                They kissed again.

                “I found something that might work on Spike’s trigger,” announced the witch.

                “Yeah?” Buffy questioned casually.

                “Yeah,” Willow affirmed. “Just – try not to be too surprised when Giles brings it up. Or, you know, upset with him.”

                “No promises,” Buffy qualified. “I mean, I’m starting to think the trigger’s not even active anymore. Like, something about everything he’s been through might’ve broken it or something. ‘Cause The First has had plenty of chances. He’s been alone with lots of those girls – and with you. Don’t you think it would have activated him by now if it could?”

                “I don’t know, Buffy,” said Willow. “It’ll still be good to have the materials if we need them.”

                “Thanks for telling me.”

                “That’s why I brought it up,” Willow clarified. “I’ve known for a few days.”

                “Well, I’m sure you had a good reason for not telling me.”

                “In retrospect, it was probably a so-so reason,” admitted the redhead.

                “Well, then it was a learning experience for you,” the Slayer reasoned.

                “I’m glad you’re in such a good mood this morning.”

                “I love you,” Buffy answered simply.

                “I love you too.”

                “I wish I was better at showing you how I feel,” said the Slayer guiltily. “It really is hard for me to be away from you. And I knew that it was hard for you too – I guess I didn’t realize how much though.”

                “Part of that’s because I didn’t want you to see it, Buffy,” Willow explained.

                “There’s nothing else, right?” Buffy verified. “Nothing else you’re hiding to try and keep me from worrying.”

                “We’re fine,” said Willow plainly. “Really, this time.”

                “I’m still trying to work the guilties out of my system.”

                “I know,” the witch assured her. “Take your time, Buffy. I want you to be really, really ready.”

                “You don’t sound worried,” the Slayer noted.

                “I’m not,” Willow pledged. “Not anymore. I know that you really do want me. And even if you end up changing your mind about the room thing – it still makes a world of difference just to know that you want me.”

                “I’m sorry there was ever any doubt. I never meant for that to happen… It still feels terrible to think how much you were hurting.”

                “I feel bad for not telling you,” replied the witch.

                “We really should’ve gotten to the talking a lot sooner. I feel like we wasted so much time… And for what it’s worth, I don’t think I’m gonna change my mind.”

                “I don’t think you will either,” said Willow with a smile. “Take your time though. Not everything has to be all at once.”

                “Thanks again for – everything.”

                “I hope you learned something from this…”

                “I’ve learned a lot of somethings from this,” said the Slayer. “Wanna spell out which one you’re thinking of.”

                “You can let go, Buffy,” Willow said softly. “Even if you’re afraid, you can let go and be Buffy. And if you can’t get back to where you need to be by yourself, then I can help you.”

                “Thank you,” Buffy said again.

                “I love you, Buffy.”

                “I love you too. And it’s so good to hear that from you,” the Slayer added. “I mean, you’ve been in my head – my post-post-mortem head – you’ve seen what a mess it is in there – and you love me.”

                “Yes, I do,” Willow answered solemnly. “I understood a lot of that before I went in there.”

                “It still means a lot to me.”

                “And it means a lot to me that you let me in. I’d like to return the favor sometime. I mean, I’m sure you’re still getting comfortable in your own head – but sometime…”

                “I’d love to, Will. Not right away or anything, but definitely sometime.”

                “It’s a date,” said Willow, grinning brightly.

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 **Next Chapter** : Lies my Parents Told Me


	13. Lies My Parents Told Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willow takes a trip. Giles and Robin try to kill Spike. Buffy takes a trip.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 13** : Lies my Parents Told Me  
 **Rating** : R?  
 **Warnings** : Femslash (explicit-ish, but not as explicit as it could be) and suggestive dialogue. Other than that, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Willow takes a trip. Giles and Robin try to kill Spike. Buffy takes a trip.

 **A/N** : I’m taking my cue from the show and not mentioning Connor at all, assuming we view the world as it is after Angel’s bargain with Wolfram & Hart. For those wondering why I’m bringing up Connor and Angel, this would be the episode when Willow goes to L.A. This chapter starts during ‘LMPTM’ and ends during the AtS episode ‘Orpheus’ which my timeline has happening concurrently. Assume Willow puts Angel’s soul back in at close to the same time that Spike overcomes his trigger. This chapter ends sometime after the soul and before Willow and Faith leave for Sunnydale.

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                Willow stirred groggily after a night of deep, contented sleep. It was early morning by the dim glow of the sun outside her window. It was a moment before she registered the fact that two people were whispering nearby.

                “Hey,” she heard Kennedy’s voice, “I think she’s waking up.”

                Slowly, she sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

                “Morning, witchy woman,” Kennedy called out.

                “Hi, Willow,” said the second whisperer.

                Looking over, Willow saw Kennedy and Vi next to each other, sitting up against the headboard of the bed. The bruise on Kennedy’s face had almost completely faded. Vi looked more comfortable than usual with one of Kennedy’s arms draped over her shoulder.

                “H-h-hey,” Willow answered, yawning.

                “I’m – uh – I’m kind of surprised you’re in here,” Kennedy pointed out.

                “Giving her time,” Willow answered, knowing what Kennedy meant. “Did you guys want some privacy?”

                “We’re fine,” Vi responded.

                “We’ve just been up all night talking,” added Kennedy. “You – seemed to sleep pretty soundly,” she said pointedly.

                “Warm, safe, and whole,” Willow supplied. “All is right with the world.”

                “I should’ve interfered weeks ago,” said Kennedy smugly.

                “It worked out for the best,” said Willow. “I’m not exactly thrilled with what it took to get there, but it worked out – so thanks.” The witch stood and stretched.

                “Sorry if we woke you up,” Vi offered apologetically.

                “Don’t worry about it,” Willow dismissed. “I think Giles is coming back today. I’m probably gonna end up having to do some mojo so I should be up and ready.”

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                “So Spike’s trigger’s been active this entire time?” Kennedy noted, sitting on the arm of the couch as Willow examined Dawn’s injuries.

                “Scary,” Vi supplemented, standing next to Kennedy.

                “How can Buffy take this for granted?” Rona demanded from near the doorway. “I mean, he lives in our house. We train with him.”

                “Don’t waste your time down that road,” said Anya from her seat in the chair opposite the couch. “Spike’s got some sort of get-out-of-jail-free-card that doesn’t apply to the rest of us. I mean, he could slaughter a hundred frat boys and…” Anya broke off at disapproving looks from Willow and Xander. “Forgiveness makes us human. Blah-dee-blah-blah-blah.”

                “You guys need to trust Buffy,” Willow told them. “She won’t let him hurt any of you. And we’ll get that trigger taken care of.”

                “Uh, Willow…” Andrew interrupted, “call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Buffy?” Willow requested softly as she entered the basement. The Slayer left Wood and Giles, crossing to the witch’s side. “Hey, I, uh, just got a phone call. I’m gonna have to take off for a while.”

                “What?” Buffy questioned.

                “Maybe a day or two,” added Willow.

                “What’s wrong?” Buffy asked sharply.

                “Nothing you need to worry about,” Willow assured her.

                “Willow,” Buffy said flatly.

                “Really this time. If it’s okay with you, I’d rather wait until later to tell you.”

                “How much later?”

                “After the apocalypse?” Willow tried.

                “No.”

                “How about after I get back?” she suggested alternatively.

                “Why don’t you wanna tell me?” Buffy requested levelly.

                “Because I think you’ll worry,” Willow admitted.

                “Remember our conversation about sharing the worrying?”

                “But I’m not worried, Buffy,” pledged the witch. “Not even a little. And you shouldn’t have to either, but I know you will. Let me tell you after I’ve solved the problem, okay?”

                “Problem?”

                “Little problem,” answered Willow. “Nothing I haven’t done before. It’s nothing that hurts me or makes me worry. No secret lesbians and no mortal danger.”

                “A day or two?” asked Buffy with a pout.

                “I’ll try to be back tonight if I can. Focus on helping Spike,” she suggested.

                **_*And I think he’ll make more progress if you unchain him,*_** the witch added mentally. **_*He’s not gonna move forward if he feels pressured. The stone did its job, but he’s not done yet. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your support.*_**

                “Do you have to go?” Buffy grasped her lover’s hand and pulled her closer.

                “I’ll be back soon. Maybe I’ll even bring back some good news,” she offered.

                “Could use a little of that.” Sighing heavily, she met Willow’s eyes. “Okay. I guess now is as good a time as we’re likely to see for a while. Just hurry back, okay? I’ll miss you.” Leaning in, she softly kissed the witch. “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too.”

                “Hurry back,” the Slayer repeated as Willow turned back toward the stairs.

                “Will do.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy pinned the vamp to the ground and prepared to plunge her stake into his heart.

                “Don’t kill him yet,” Giles called out.

                “What?” questioned the Slayer. “Why not?”

                “Because, I’m asking you not to,” Giles explained impatiently. Buffy rolled off of the vamp and they began trading blows again. “Would you let this vampire live if he began saving the world,” the Watcher prompted.

                “Sure,” said Buffy as she punched the monster’s face. “Seems like a nice enough guy.”

                “Thanks,” said the vamp with a smile.

                “No problem,” Buffy commented casually.

                “My name’s Richard.”

                “Hi, Rich.” The Slayer knocked him over with another punch. “Giles, we had this conversation,” Buffy pointed out, “when I told you that I wouldn’t sacrifice Dawn to stop Glory from destroying the world.”

                “Ah, yes, but things are different, aren’t they?” Giles began to pace as he spoke. “After what you’ve been through, faced with the same choice now, you’d let her die.”

                “Maybe,” Buffy corrected. “If I had to…to save the world. Probably. Not exactly plan A though.”

                Richard leapt up behind Buffy and resumed his attack.

                “Can I kill this guy yet?” Buffy requested as the vamp attempted to strangle her.

                “No,” replied Giles. Buffy rolled Richard over her shoulders and they started going blow for blow again. “So, do you really understand the difficult decisions you’ll have to make? That any one of us is expendable in this war?”

                “Have you heard my speeches?” asked Buffy in exasperation.

                “That we cannot allow any threat that would jeopardize our chances of winning?”

                “Yes, I get it,” said Buffy, throwing out a few more punches.

                “And yet there is Spike.”

                Richard tackled Buffy.

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                “Spike’s a liability, Buffy,” said Giles as he continued to pace. “He refuses to see it and so do you. Angel left here because he realized how harmful your relationship with him was. Spike, on the other hand, lacks such self-awareness.”

                Buffy elbowed Richard in the face.

                “Why do you talk about him like that?” the Slayer demanded. “Why are you so worried about him? What about Willow? She tried to destroy the world. Aren’t you even a little worried about how I’d handle it if she went dark again?”

                “I know what you know about Willow,” Giles answered as Buffy and Richard fought some more. “She’s stronger than her power now, whether she realizes it or not.”

                “And Spike’s stronger than the demon,” Buffy countered.

                “I’ve seen no such indication,” Giles argued. “Your feelings for him are showing you what you want to see.”

                “How many,” punch, “times,” punch, “do I have to tell you?” She dropped the vamp to his back again. “Things are different now.”

                “It doesn’t matter if you’re not physical with each other,” protested Giles, “there’s a connection. You rely on him, he relies on you. That’s what’s affecting your judgment.”

                “My judgment’s as fine as ever, Giles.” She kicked Richard in the face as he moved to get up. “Yes, I love him. Just like Dawn, or Xander, or you. He supports me. He’s here because I want him here. We need him. I’m in the fight of my life.”

                “Really?” asked the vamp hopefully, having gotten to his feet again.

                “Not you, Richard.” Buffy punched him.

                “You want Spike here even after what he’s done to you in the past?” prompted the Watcher.

                “It’s different now. He has a soul.”

                “And The First is exploiting that to its advantage,” said Giles.

                “Oh my God.” Buffy staked the vampire. “You’re stalling me.” Buffy’s eyes widened in anger and pain. “Keeping me away from…”

                “It’s time to stop playing the role of general and start being one.” Buffy ran past him. “This is the way wars are won!”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “He’s alive,” Buffy informed Giles coldly. “Spike’s alive. Wood failed.”

                “Well, that doesn’t change anything,” Giles reasoned. “What I told you is still true. You need to learn-”

                “No,” said the Slayer quietly. “I think you’ve taught me everything I need to know.”

                And she shut the door in his face. As she heard his footsteps retreating, Buffy sank wearily to the floor, back pressed against her bedroom door. Her fingers entrenched themselves in her hair, resisting the enormity of the betrayal that weighed heavily on her mind. Buffy felt violated. That Giles could be a part of plotting behind her back, abuse his position as her mentor, betray her trust…

                She barely had a moment to think before there was a soft knock at the door.

                “Go away,” she snapped moodily.

                “Buffy, phone’s for you.” It was Andrew on the other side of the door. “It’s Willow,” he added.

                Buffy quickly stood and opened the door. Andrew quietly passed her the phone; he looked concerned as he examined Buffy’s face.

                “Thanks,” said Buffy shortly before shutting the door again. “Hey,” her tone warmed as she spoke into the receiver.

                “Hey,” Willow replied.

                “God, it’s so good to hear your voice,” said Buffy as she got into her bed and stretched out comfortably.

                “Rough day?” asked the witch.

                “With extra helpings of rough,” Buffy answered. “How about you? You gonna tell me where you’re at?”

                “Actually, yeah.” Willow sounded nervous, much as she had done before she left. “I kinda need to tell you.”

                “Need to?”

                “I’m in L.A.”

                Buffy tensed. Just when she thought things couldn’t possibly get any more complicated, life always had one more challenge to throw at her.

                “Fred asked me to come,” Willow explained.

                “Fred,” Buffy strained her brain, “that’s the black guy, right?”

                “No,” Willow laughed. “Fred’s that cute, thin girl with the glasses.”

                “Cute?” Buffy questioned.

                “Bookworm-y,” Willow added. “You’d like her.”

                “I like you,” Buffy countered.

                “Jealous?”

                “Yes,” Buffy replied promptly. “But I’m assuming you’re not in L.A. to pick up chicks.”

                “You assume correctly,” the witch confirmed.

                “So, what’s the sitch?”

                “They asked me to come because…” there was a pause. “They asked me to re-ensoul Angel.”

                “He lost his soul?” Buffy half-shouted in shock. “Who?”

                “No who,” Willow assured her quickly. “They took it out with black magic.”

                “Why?” Buffy tried.

                “Some kind of memory was wiped from Angel, but not Angelus.” Pause. “Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either.”

                “So, they took his soul out and then what? They forgot how to put it back in?”

                “Something went wrong.”

                “Big surprise.”

                “I know, right,” Willow agreed. “Apparently they – misplaced the jar they put it in.”

                “That would almost be funny if it wasn’t so serious.”

                “Yeah. I sorted it out though. Came up with this idea to smash the jar and return his soul to the ether. It was kind of a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.”

                “My Willow’s got a beautiful brain.”

                “Thanks.”

                “So you’re done now, right?” asked Buffy. “You’re coming home?”

                “Almost immediately,” Willow affirmed. “I thought I should call first though…because I’m bringing someone with me.”

                “It’s not Fred, right?” Buffy teased.

                “No,” Willow giggled appreciatively. “Buffy, you’re probably not gonna like it. We need people though and I think she can be really helpful if you let her.”

                “She?”

                “Faith,” Willow admitted.

                Always one more thing.

                “Willow, when I said we needed fighters I didn’t mean go break people out of prison.”

                “I didn’t break her out,” Willow defended indignantly. “Wesley did.”

                “Wesley?” Buffy asked in surprise. Why did nothing make sense anymore?

                “They needed someone to help bring Angel in alive and they didn’t really wanna bother you with it…”

                “So their first thought was Faith?” Buffy questioned incredulously.

                “She’s different, Buffy,” Willow said quietly. “Better. She almost died saving Angel. We’re the good guys because we forgive people, right?”

                “I – yeah,” Buffy sighed. “If you wanna be all reasonable about it – then yeah.”

                “I thought it would probably be best to tell you first,” Willow explained. “Didn’t want you to start throwin’ out the punches when you saw her.”

                “Does that mean I’m not allowed to punch her?”

                “Only if she does something really stupid.”

                “Well, that shouldn’t take long,” Buffy said hopefully.

                “Come on, Buffy,” Willow reasoned. “If you expect the worst then you know you’re gonna see it.”

                “I’m in a really punch-y mood,” Buffy informed the witch. “It feels like everything’s piling up all at once.”

                “I’m sorry,” Willow offered sympathetically. “I wish it was easier for you.”

                “I wish you were here,” Buffy lamented longingly.

                “I’ll be home soon, I promise.”

                “You on a cell phone?”

                “No.”

                “Mmm,” Buffy whined. “You need to be driving.”

                “I miss you too,” Willow pledged. “Wanna tell me about your day?”

                “Yes and no,” Buffy admitted sadly. “I wanna tell you, but I’m not really looking forward to reliving it.”

                “I’m here for you,” said Willow. “Well, here on the phone,” she clarified.

                “I feel so betrayed right now,” Buffy began tonelessly.

                “Betrayed?” Willow was clearly alarmed. “Buffy, what happened? Is everyone okay?”

                “Yeah, everyone’s fine,” Buffy said reassuringly. “Well, Principal Wood’s a little roughed up, but he’ll live.”

                “What happened?” Willow asked again.

                “Robin,” Buffy said slowly, “Robin and – and…Giles.” Buffy’s voice cracked and her eyes began to water.

                “Giles?” Willow sounded concerned.

                “Willow,” Buffy said thickly, “they tried – they tried to kill Spike.”

                “Oh, Buffy.” Willow’s tone was laden with concern for her lover.

                “God, Will, it hurts so much,” Buffy sobbed.

                “Oh, baby, I wish I could hold you,” Willow told her sadly.

                “Me too,” said Buffy. “I-I understand why Robin did it – Spike killed his mother.” Willow made no reply. “But – but Giles – he was supposed to – I trusted him.” The Slayer rolled over onto her side and punched her pillow restlessly. “God, I hate this feeing.”

                “I wish I could make it better,” Willow vowed. Buffy only continued to sob. “I love you, Buffy.”

                “I love you too,” Buffy responded feebly, cuddling up closer to her pillow. “Can you teleport?”

                “Not with any accuracy yet,” the witch answered.

                “How accurate?”

                “If I aimed for Sunnydale, I’d probably end up in Brazil.”

                “I wish I lived in Brazil.”

                “I’ll come home quick,” Willow assured her. “If you want, I can even break the speed limit. Ooh, and I can hypnotize the police officers when they pull me over to make them think Faith’s in labor in the backseat.”

                Buffy chuckled weakly.

                “Your voice helps,” the Slayer said softly.

                “I love you.”

                “That helps too.”

                “I can call back from a cell phone if you want.”

                “I’m not too keen on Faith listening to you comfort me. Just stay on for a little bit,” the Slayer requested.

                “As long as you want.”

                “Tell me something.”

                “What d’you wanna know?”

                “Anything,” said Buffy. “Just let me hear you talk.”

                “Okay,” Willow answered. “Well, I used a lot of magic today and I actually felt kind of okay with it.”

                “I’m glad.”

                “It was like this weird sense of – familiarity,” the witch decided. “That spell was the first one I ever did. Before that it was a little scary, but not as scary as I expected it to be.”

                “Things rarely are,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Yeah. I was nervous at first, but I totally played it cool.”

                “Were you assertive?”

                “I was super-assertive. All bad-ass and in charge.”

                “Yeah?”

                “Yeah. And there was this floating demon head thing and the hotel started shaking, but I totally stared it down. I was like, ‘this hotel’s not big enough for the two of us.’”

                “Did you really say that?” Buffy questioned.

                “No. But I wish I had. The point is, I totally kicked ass.”

                “No one messes with my wicked witch.”

                “Damn straight.”

                “Will – where are you at right now?”

                “At Angel’s hotel,” Willow replied confusion.

                “No, but where?” Buffy insisted.

                “Top floor, as far away from the rest of the group as possible.”

                “Really?” asked Buffy delightedly.

                “Yeah. Too many super-hearing people. I didn’t really think it was their business what we talk about.”

                “Does Angel know?” Buffy questioned. “About us?”

                “I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything.”

                “And what d’you mean too many super-hearing people? How many are there?”

                “At least three, maybe more. I assume Faith can hear better than most people. And there’s this guy Lorne. A-and Cordy’s part demon now.”

                “Cordy? Part demon?” L.A. was like a different planet sometimes. “What exactly does that mean?”

                “I don’t know. I don’t think they really do either.”

                “But you did say they’re all far away right now, right?” Buffy verified.

                “Yes,” Willow said slowly.

                “You’re alone?”

                “Yes.”

                “I’m alone,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Buffy, I think I know where you’re going with this, but I don’t wanna put my foot in my mouth. So…could ya tell me where you’re going with this?”

                “I’m going – south,” Buffy informed her.

                “South?”

                “Mm-hm.”

                “How far south?”

                “Near the equator. Someplace where it’s really warm.”

                “What about your super-hearing person?” Willow asked suddenly.

                “Out for a walk,” Buffy announced. “Oh and de-triggered, by the way. Your spell worked in the end.”

                “Good.”

                “He didn’t say anything, but I think he needed time to cool down after – everything.” She gasped once.

                “What was that?”

                “It was a gasp,” Buffy answered coyly.

                “Did something happen?”

                “Something good.”

                “Good?”

                “Traveler reached the destination,” Buffy told her.

                “Oh yeah?”

                “Yeah,” Buffy sighed.

                “So did the traveler find a good beach?”

                “Beach?”

                “Yeah, you know. Near the equator, warm…and wet.”

                “Yeah, the traveler’s on the beach.”

                “And does the traveler like the beach?”

                “Mm-hm. The waves feel nice,” Buffy commented. “And what about you? Traveling anywhere?”

                “I think I’ll put off my trip until later. Maybe we could take a tour together.”

                “I like the sound of that.”

                “And sometimes anticipating a trip can make it even more fun.”

                “I’ll make sure your trip is amazing.”

                “I look forward to it,” said Willow.

                “I’ve been doing some thinking,” Buffy added casually. “Maybe Faith should stay in your room.”

                There was a long pause.

                “My room? Hmm,” the witch pondered pretentiously. “My room’s already kinda crowded.”

                “Well, maybe we could kick someone else out.”

                “I think Kennedy might complain if you made her move downstairs,” Willow teased.

                “Wasn’t talking about Kennedy.”

                “You mean it? Really?”

                “Really,” Buffy said solemnly. “I want you to move into my room, Will.”

                “I love you, Buffy.”

                “Ahh God,” the Slayer groaned pleasurably.

                “Trip’s going well then?”

                “Oh yeah. I think the tide is coming in.”

                “And does the traveler like the tide?”

                “Traveler’s a good swimmer.”

                “And is the moon doing its part?”

                “The moon?” Buffy questioned.

                “Yeah. Even though the moon’s really far away from the beach, it has all this gravity that brings in the tides.”

                “There would be no tide without the moon,” Buffy stated.

                “The moon likes to be helpful.”

                “I wish the moon was closer.”

                “But then the tides would go crazy.”

                “Failing to see the bad,” Buffy pointed out.

                “Guess that one doesn’t hold up.”

                “You know what the gravity is?”

                “What’s the gravity?”

                “The gravity is how the moon shows its love.”

                “I love you, Buffy.”

                “Gravity works wonders,” Buffy moaned.

                “I love you.”

                “Ah.”

                “I love you.”

                “Ah!”

                “I love you.”

                Buffy pressed her face into her pillow and let out a long, low moan. It was a moment before she reaffirmed her presence by breathing heavily into the receiver.

                “Nice trip?” Willow asked.

                “Incredible,” Buffy answered contentedly. “Thank you, Willow. That really helped.”

                “I’m glad,” said Willow warmly.

                “You really need to make with the hurrying home now,” Buffy insisted. “If you’re not here before the next tide comes in, I’m gonna drown you.”

                “From an imagery standpoint, that doesn’t really sound like a punishment,” Willow answered.

                “Well, in that case I won’t drown you unless you hurry,” Buffy decided. “And I won’t give you a tongue lashing either.”

                “I’ll be home before you know it,” Willow assured her.

                “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too.”

                “Mwah.” Buffy made a kissing noise into the receiver.

                “Mwah,” Willow returned. “See you soon.”

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 **Next Chapter** : Dirty Girls


	14. Dirty Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new player in town.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 14** : Dirty Girls  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : There’s a new player in town.

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                “What’re we gonna do about her?” Faith gestured to the girl lying in the hospital bed. A message for the Slayer and her kin.

                “Uh, I guess we should find Buffy, tell her what’s going on.” Willow answered, having difficulty keeping her head clear. “I-I tried calling home. Dawn says she’s out patrolling.”

                “Let’s go look for her,” said Faith decisively, turning to leave. “Cemetery’s more fun anyway.”

                “Wait,” Willow said quickly. “Somebody should wait here in case she wakes up.”

                “Fine, sit tight,” Faith instructed. “I’ll be back.”

                “W-w-wait,” Willow repeated. “Uh, maybe you meeting Buffy alone isn’t the best idea.”

                Faith turned around.

                “You told her the sitch, right?” asked the Slayer. “She knows I’m comin’. Probably been up all night hangin’ streamers,” she added with a sarcastic grin.

                “Yeah, but…” Willow frowned in concentration, “it’s not like you’re study buddies, exactly. Maybe it’d be better if I – eased her into the whole thing.”

                “I can’t stay here, Willow,” Faith pointed out restlessly. “Spent way too much time in hospitals. We don’t click. Don’t worry. I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.”

                She turned and left.

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                “Buffy!” Willow exclaimed as the blonde Slayer entered the waiting area.

                “Hey,” she said quietly.

                “Hey, do you know your cell phone’s dead?” Willow questioned.

                “Found that out when Spike delivered your message,” replied Buffy as she pulled the witch into an embrace. “He’s taking the rest of the patrol. What’s the story here?”

                “We found her in the middle of the road,” Willow pointed to the bed where the girl was lying still and silent. “There was a truck just a few yards ahead of us. We won’t know much until she wakes up. You didn’t really need to come all the way out here.”

                “You’re here,” Buffy said softly, grasping the witch’s hand. “And – you know, Faith. Thought we should probably talk about – well, everything. Where is she anyway?”

                “You – you, uh, just missed her actually,” Willow informed the Slayer. “She went out to look for you.”

                “Oh great,” Buffy sighed. “I should probably go find her. You coming home tonight?”

                “I should stay here,” Willow answered sadly. “I’ll call home again as soon as she wakes up.”

                “Okay.” She gently squeezed Willow’s hand. “I love you.”

                “I love you too.”

                They kissed briefly.

                “I should probably go find Faith before she runs into Spike.”

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                “Okay, catching up,” Faith mumbled, massaging her jaw. “Anything else I gotta know?”

                “Nice to have you back,” Buffy said kindly.

                “Well that one’s definitely new,” the brunette Slayer mused as she and Buffy began walking. “Oh, hey,” she said suddenly, “before I forget, Willow’s down at the hospital with-”

                “I’ve been,” said Buffy shortly.

                “I was home when Willow called the Niblet,” Spike explained, striding along casually a few paces behind them.

                “I told Spike to finish the patrol,” continued Buffy, “then Willow said I’d just missed you, I thought I’d try to find you before you bumped into Spike…”

                “And I was there for the rest,” Faith finished.

                “I meant it,” Buffy assured her fellow Slayer quietly. “When I said it’s nice to have you back. You’re still not exactly my favorite person in the world – but we need fighters. And I know you’re good at that.”

                “Takin’ anyone you can get now?”

                “I guess we are scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said Buffy dryly.

                “Looks to me like redemption’s kind of a running theme.” Faith jerked her head toward Spike.

                “I guess it is,” Buffy mused thoughtfully. “I mean, Spike’s doing the soul thing, Andrew killed a guy, Anya slaughtered a bunch of frat boys.”

                “Which one’s Anya?” Faith interrupted.

                “Xander’s girlfriend. Er…ex-girlfriend. I’m not really sure about that.”

                “They’ve been together,” Spike supplemented helpfully. “Recently.”

                “So do you just sniff everyone?” retorted Buffy.

                “No,” Spike said defensively. “They did it on my sodding cot. Can’t get the smell out.”

                “Oh.” Buffy cringed.

                “And…” Faith spoke quietly. “Willow – said she tried to destroy the world?”

                “Yep,” said the Slayer. “Did, uh – did she tell you anything else?”

                “Lots of stuff,” said Faith with a shrug. “Sounds like you got something specific on your mind though.”

                “Well…she and I – we…”

                “Oh, no way!” Faith exclaimed. “You and Red are doin’ the dirty?”

                “That’s one way to put it,” Buffy admitted. “I’m guessing she didn’t tell you then.”

                “Damn!” Faith mused with a grin. “So you’re swingin’ for the other team now?”

                “Um – both teams,” said Buffy with a blush. “But – Willow and I are, you know, in a relationship. We love each other.”

                “Well, good on you,” Faith congratulated. “I mean, I always knew you liked to look, but didn’t really see that one coming.”

                “She’s, uh, gonna be moving into my room soon.”

                “When did that happen?” Spike questioned.

                “Obviously not tonight,” Buffy continued casually speaking to Faith, “a-and you’ll have to share with Kennedy – but it’s a room if you want it…”

                “Thanks, B,” Faith said softly. “Oh, check it out,” she added as they reached 1630 Revello Drive.

                “Come on in,” said Buffy, opening the door.

                “Whoa, memory lane,” Faith reflected. “Same old house.”

                “Yeah, well,” Buffy shrugged, “every piece of furniture’s been destroyed and replaced since you left, so, actually, new house.”

                “Buffy?” Dawn called out from the dining room. She stood and crossed her arms, glaring at Faith.

                “We have a new house guest,” Buffy said quietly.

                “Hey,” said Faith to Dawn and Giles, who was behind her. “Got a spare bed for a wanted fugitive?”

                “Hello, Faith,” Giles said with a nod as he stood.

                “Well, I guess ‘wanted’ wasn’t really accurate,” she clarified.

                “Does she have to stay here?” said Dawn, glancing from Buffy to Faith. “Because there’s some nice hotels that welcome tried-to-kill-your-sister types.”

                “Check it out,” said Faith with a smile. “Brat’s all woman-sized.”

                “Look, I should probably get back to the hospital,” said Buffy, having no desire to deal with the multiple layers of tension in the room.

                “Willow’s still there,” Giles assured her. “She’s gonna call if the girl wakes up.”

                “Fine.” Buffy glared contemptuously at her former Watcher before leaving the room.

                “Well, Faith,” Giles mumbled awkwardly, “we better, um, see if we can find some place to squeeze you in for the night.”

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                It was morning before Willow finally called. Buffy had gone in to work, only to be fired. Upon returning home, she walked in on some sort of awkward moment between Faith and a shirtless Spike. She wondered if she might be reading too much into it. And then she questioned why she should care even if they had been doing more than talking. Before she could address any of these issues, Dawn had interrupted with Willow’s message.

                “He was a minister, or something…” the girl, Shannon, explained. “At least, he dressed like one. I thought he was trying to save me…at first.”

                “He – he picked you up on the side of the road?” Buffy verified, unsure of how to tread the line between caring and practical.

                “Bringers were chasing me,” said Shannon. Buffy sighed heavily. “He said they were his boys…right before he burned me.” She grabbed the bandage on her neck and shifted it aside, revealing the mark that had been burned into her flesh. Willow pulled a digital camera from her purse so she could take a picture of the mark.

                “He wanted to tell you something,” Shannon added. “Before he…cut me…he told me to give the Slayer a message.”

                “What is it?” Buffy asked, not knowing what else to say.

                “He said, ‘I have something of yours.’”

                “Okay,” Buffy said quietly. “You get some rest now. This guy – he’s gonna get back everything he did to you – twice.”

                “Thanks,” said Shannon weakly.

                “Come on, Will,” said Buffy as she turned. “We’ve got a target now and it’s time to open fire.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “We need to start arming the girls,” Buffy announced to the living room at large.

                “We still don’t know where we’re going,” Willow pointed out.

                “’S why I figured we’d do a little recon first,” said the Slayer as she turned to Faith. “You up for it?”

                “Point me where you want me,” said Faith with a shrug.

                “And you’re certain this is the best course of action?” Giles challenged. “You don’t even know what this man has of yours – if he, in fact, has anything.”

                “It could be a girl,” Buffy supplied, “a potential trying to get to us.”

                “Could be a stapler,” Giles countered.

                “Going in anyway,” answered Buffy, feeling the need for action. A corporeal target had finally presented itself and it was long past time to take the fight to them.

                “With the girls?” asked Giles. “Most of whom have yet to be in the field, let alone in a life or death situation.”

                “Then it’s time we test them,” said Buffy levelly. “Look, I’ll just take the ones that have been here the longest. The rest can stay behind.”

                “Could be that’s just what he wants you to do,” Spike reasoned. “The old bait-and-switch.”

                “Yeah,” Willow agreed, “he lures you away and then kills the girls we leave behind.”

                “I know,” Buffy assured the group. “That’s why I need you to stay here with them,” she said to Willow. “You’re my most powerful weapon, Will. I know you can keep them safe if anything happens.”

                “One of these days,” replied Willow, “can we have a plan where I’m not our best weapon? I don’t feel very weapon-y.”

                “I trust you, Will,” Buffy stated firmly. “I love you.”

                “Buffy,” Xander interrupted, “an unknown man breezes into town, says he has something of yours. This thing’s got ‘trap’ written all over it.”

                “He won’t be expecting a full attack – not this soon,” the Slayer insisted, “that’s why we have to move.”

                “We know nothing about this man,” Giles argued. “We cannot go into battle unprepared. We have to have more time.”

                “Giles, we don’t have time,” Buffy dismissed. “And you’re not going into battle.” Giles sighed in exasperation. “I need you to stay behind with the others. Help the girls who still need a teacher.”

                “Ready to motor, B?” Faith asked from the front door.

                “One more thing,” said Buffy. She pulled Willow close and kissed her passionately. “Start moving your stuff into my room.”

                “I love you, Buffy,” Willow said softly.

                “Love you too.”

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                _Now it’s a simple story. Stop me if you’ve heard it._

                Willow sat by a hospital bed, holding Xander’s hand as he recovered from the loss of his eye.

                _I have found and truly believe that there’s nothing so bad it cannot be made better with a story._

                Buffy stared blankly at Xander’s bandaged head. How had it all gone so wrong?

                _And this one’s got a happy ending_.

                **_*Come here,*_** Willow requested mentally, not wanting to disturb Xander’s rest, but also not wanting to leave his side.

                **_*I can’t, Will.*_** Buffy sighed and turned her glance to the floor. **_*I need a walk.*_**

                **_*Please don’t go.*_** Willow looked pleadingly into the Slayer’s eyes.

                **_*I can’t deal with this right now.*_** Fighting back her tears, the Slayer turned. **_*I’ll come back later.*_**

                _There once was a woman…_

                Wounded girls lay bleeding on any flat surface they could find. They all turned to each other, a bunch of frightened, crying girls, united by their fear and mourning. They were connected; Buffy felt distant.

                _…and she was foul, like all women, for Adam’s rib was dirty – just like Adam himself – for what was he, but human._

                Dawn watched as Buffy left the living room. The Slayer, the one girl in all the world, mocked and scorned by fate itself. She left because there was no help to be had there. Surrounded by people, she felt more alone than ever.

                _But this woman was filled with darkness, despair, and why?_

                She walked down the streets of Sunnydale, blankly forcing herself to keep moving because there was nothing else.

                _Because she did not know. She could not see._

                Evil had dealt a crushing blow.

                _She didn’t know the good news, the glory that was coming._

                She had taken the fight to them and they had laughed in her face.

                _That’d be you._

                The First Evil had locked wills with the Slayer and it was winning.

                _For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever._

                **_*Help me,*_** Buffy thought as she returned to the hospital yet again.

                **_*Come here,*_** Willow requested a second time.

                They grasped hands as Buffy pulled up a chair.

                **_*I feel alone.*_**

                _You show up, they’ll get in line_.

                **_*You’re not.*_**

                **_*It’s winning.*_**

                **_*We’ll fight back.*_**

                _‘Cause they followed her._

                **_*Why is it always me?*_**

                **_*I’ll help you. You’re strong and you’re not alone.*_**

                _And all they have to do is take one more step and I’ll kill them all._

                **_*I feel so lost.*_**

                **_*I’ll always find you.*_**

                **_*I can’t hold on.*_**

                **_*I’ll help you. I’ve got so much strength, I’m giving it away. Lean on me, Buffy.*_**

                **_*These girls are gonna die.*_**

                **_*We’ll find a way. There has to be something and we will find it.*_**

                **_*What if there’s nothing?*_**

                _See? I told you it had a happy ending._

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 **Next Chapter** : Empty Places


	15. Empty Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dissension within the ranks.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 15** : Empty Places  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Dissension within the ranks.

 **A/N** : This (particularly the way this episode ends) was a pretty popular topic back when I finished ‘Close to the Chest’ and the sequel was still an undecided variable. My original plot bunnies for this fic were for this episode and the next one. I had some deliciously angsty scenes in my head and those were the ones that got me to start writing this fic. I actually had to write those bunnies out by the time I got here; they just didn’t fit with the developments I’d given to some of the characters. However, I’m quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Hopefully people will get a good read out of what I did with this.

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                Willow felt stiff and aching as she awoke. The bright lights hurt her eyes, but not as much as the sight of her friend lying wounded on the bed in front of her.

                “Morning,” said a gentle voice in her ear.

                “Hey.” Willow squeezed the hand that was still gripping hers.

                “I’m sorry I bailed last night,” Buffy said quietly.

                “You came back,” Willow pointed out.

                “I still feel bad about it. I-I know you need support and – I can’t always give it to you.”

                “It’s okay, Buffy.” Willow kissed the Slayer’s hand.

                “I just – God, I still can’t look at him.” She rested her head on the witch’s shoulder. “Xander, Rona…Molly, and… It’s all my fault.”

                “No,” Willow assured her softly. “Buffy, it’s Caleb’s fault. It’s The First’s fault. None of this is your fault.”

                “It feels like it is, Will.”

                “I understand why you feel that way, but it’s not your fault. You’re doing the best you can with what you have.”

                _It’s not enough._

                _I have something of yours._

                “Buffy? Willow?” Giles walked quietly into the hospital room.

                **_*I’m gonna take a walk,*_** Buffy thought to the witch. Willow frowned at her, but made no protest as the Slayer got up to leave the room.

                “Buffy, this concerns you too,” Giles informed her as she passed him. “I’m trying to get information about Caleb.”

                “Come back to me when you have information,” the Slayer said coldly as she left the room.

                “Information?” Willow prompted gently.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Well,” Buffy put on the bravest smile she could manage, “we’re looking at a possible release as early as tonight.”

                The Slayer stood nervously in the doorway, hesitant to look her friend in the face. Willow sat at the foot of Xander’s bed, grimacing as she attempted to look resolved. Xander watched Buffy as she spoke.

                “Um, we’re just waiting for your labs to get back,” she explained, “and Dr. Kallet said that should be a couple of hours.”

                “That’s great,” said Xander shortly.

                “Okay,” Buffy said with a nod. “Um, I think we’re all caught up then.” She grabbed the file folder Willow had left on the table. “Thank you for this,” she told the witch. “This was, um, really great work.”

                “Oh,” the disappointment was plain in Willow’s voice, “I thought we were gonna…” She looked from Xander to Buffy. “There were gonna be card games.”

                “Oh, no, I just – I should really get back,” Buffy tried. Willow looked devastated. “I-I’m sorry. I wanna get everyone started on this. I think we’re really close to something.”

                “It’s okay,” Xander assured her. “It’s gotta be done. And I might see you tonight – without depth perception, of course, but…still.” He smiled encouragingly.

                “I’m sorry,” the Slayer said again as she left.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “You got enough to share?” asked Kennedy, walking up behind Faith, who was seated on the counter and eating potato chips.

                “Trade ya for a carton of cigarettes and some soap,” Faith answered. “Sorry,” she amended quickly. “Habit.” Turning to face Kennedy, she passed her the bag of chips. “Shouldn’t you be down at Hogwarts?”

                “Probably.” Kennedy shrugged as she took a handful of chips before giving the bag back to Faith.

                “All right,” said Faith with a grin. “Playin’ hooky. Score one for the boarding school brat. Anya’s technique’s probably a little different than you’re used to.”

                “Do you think there are gonna be questions about her sex life on the test?” said Amanda as she came in from the basement as well.

                “There’s gonna be a test?” Vi questioned, following behind Amanda.

                “Vi,” said Kennedy brightly. “I’m surprised you ditched.”

                “I’m a rebel,” said Vi with a shrug.

                “No you’re not,” Kennedy countered, taking the redhead’s hand.

                “No, I’m not,” Vi agreed, beaming. “But you’re a lot more interesting than Anya.”

                “Jesus,” Faith interrupted, “is everyone in this house a lesbian?”

                Vi’s eyes widened nervously, Kennedy smirked, and Amanda looked questioningly at Faith.

                “Let’s take stock,” Kennedy suggested. “Faith,” she studied the Slayer’s face for a moment, “are you gay?”

                “Damn, when did this become about me?” The others watched Faith patiently. “Thought about it once.”

                “Yeah?” Kennedy prompted. “So, what happened.”

                “The girl had a guy.” Faith shrugged. “I don’t think she really sees me that way, anyway.”

                “Sees?”

                “Saw,” Faith corrected quickly. “Dude’s are easier anyway.”

                “Nicer to look at,” Amanda supplemented.

                “Lost me there,” said Kennedy, grinning and looking sideways at Vi. “So, Amanda – straight?”

                “Yeah.”

                “So not everyone then,” Kennedy informed Faith.

                “Still,” Faith looked down at Vi and Kennedy’s linked hands, “you guys are, right?”

                “Um…” said Vi.

                “And there’s also Buffy and Willow.”

                “Buffy’s gay?” Amanda blurted out.

                “Willow’s girlfriend is Buffy?” Vi questioned.

                “Woops.” Faith slid from the counter, shuffling her feet impatiently. “Boarding school doesn’t seem surprised.”

                “The name’s Kennedy,” she pointed out.

                “Kennedy…” Faith frowned in thought. “Oh! You’re my roommate.”

                “If you’d slept in the room last night, you might know that.”

                “Fight like last night, no kill, ain’t no way I’m sleeping,” Faith said by way of an answer.

                “Oh yeah,” Vi nodded in agreement, “sometimes – after a fight – I get this huge adrenaline rush and I get really hungry and…” she trailed off with a blush.

                “No way!” Faith challenged. “Oh, Buffy’s so busted. If you wannabes are gettin’ it, then I know she is.”

                Vi moved her mouth soundlessly, unsure of what to say to this statement.

                “I think I missed something here,” Amanda commented. “Weren’t we talking about Buffy being gay?”

                “Buffy’s bi,” said Faith and Kennedy in unison.

                “But isn’t she dating Spike?” asked Amanda.

                “Nah,” Faith dismissed. “They used to, but nothin’ lately. Not sure how long she’s been with Willow.”

                “A while,” Kennedy informed her. “Before I got here – and I was in the first group.”

                “So…” said Faith. “Are they, like, keepin’ it secret or somethin’?”

                “Have been,” said Kennedy with a shrug. “With her moving into Buffy’s room though, I’d say they’re sort of easing out of the closet.”

                “I probably shouldn’t have said anything,” said the Slayer with a frown.

                “I wonder why Buffy didn’t want anyone to know,” Vi mused.

                “B’s a little uptight sometimes,” Faith said wisely. “It’s kinda hard to balance between bein’ the Slayer and bein’ a person. Makes it harder to trust people…”

                “And somehow, I think we’ve gotten back to you again,” Kennedy realized.

                “Yeah, well, maybe we should get back off of me.”

                “Okay,” Kennedy allowed. “Vi,” she turned again to the redhead, “you never answered the question.”

                “Qu-question?” Vi tried.

                “Faith wanted to know if you and I were gay,” Kennedy reminded her.

                “Didn’t really need an answer,” Faith pointed out. “I think even a Bringer could see that she’s totally hot for you.”

                “Is she right, Vi?” Kennedy requested gently.

                “You mean you don’t – oh…” Faith sighed softly.

                “Um, well, I…” said Vi disjointedly.

                “I think she’s waitin’ for you to bring it,” said Faith helpfully.

                _I believe her exact words were, ‘I like her’ and ‘she’s got what it takes; she just needs to bring it.’_

                Vi looked nervously into Kennedy’s eyes. In the next moment, she grasped the brunette’s face with both hands and pressed their lips together in an awkwardly passionate kiss. Lingering for a moment, she savored the feeling before slowly pulling back to examine Kennedy’s reaction.

                “Okay.” Kennedy smacked her lips thoughtfully. “That needs work.”

                “Huh?” Vi’s eyes widened in terror.

                “We’ll have to practice,” said Kennedy with a smile. “Together… A lot.” Vi smiled back brightly.

                “So,” said Faith, “that’s you two, B, Willow…”

                “You,” Kennedy added.

                “I said I thought about it once,” Faith countered. “And I wasn’t exactly out for burgers last night.”

                “That’s still only five,” Amanda told them. “I think that’s decisively not everyone.”

                “I think there could be others,” Kennedy reasoned.

                “Still,” Amanda continued, “I mean, I’m not the only straight person, right? We definitely know Anya’s straight.”

                “I wouldn’t be so sure,” replied Kennedy.

                “But she’s so – vocal about – you know, Xander.” Amanda cringed as she reflected on the idea.

                “Yeah,” Faith mused with a grin. “Whenever she starts talkin’ about gettin’ all sweaty with Xander like that, I just remind her that I had him first. Shuts her right the hell up.”

                “Even without the sex talk,” said Kennedy, “what’s the point? Studying demon hot zones and pressure points doesn’t do a hell of a lot of good when preacher man’s out there, ready to finish the job he started.”

                “No one’s come up with any info on Caleb yet?” Faith questioned.

                “No, nothing is working,” Amanda said sadly. “Not research, not Anya’s contacts.”

                “We’re lousy with dead ends around her,” Kennedy agreed readily. “Everyone’s feeling pretty pointless. We don’t even have a place to start.”

                “Hey,” Buffy’s voice called from the front door, “who’s here?”

                “Hey, Buffy,” Dawn replied, following Buffy from the living room to the dining room as Faith and Amanda entered from the kitchen. “How’s Xander?”

                “He’s doing really well,” Buffy said tonelessly. “He’s ready to come home, I think.” She smiled bravely as she opened the file Willow had given her.

                “Kennedy and Vi are makin’ out in the kitchen,” Faith said informatively; Dawn’s eyes widened. “Whatcha got, B?”

                “Guys!” Buffy shouted in the direction of the kitchen. “I’m happy for you, but save it for later.” She stared down at the file folder again. “Info that Giles and Willow were able to pull off the police database,” explained Buffy as Kennedy and Vi entered the room, the latter blushing bright pink. Dawn gave Vi a thumbs up. “We figured with Caleb’s, you know, overt religiosity thing if we wanna learn more about him, let’s find out where he’s been.”

                “‘Incidents of violence and vandalism’,” Faith read out, “‘connected to California religious institutions in the last ten years.’ Looks like this gives us a place to start,” she added, meeting Kennedy’s eyes meaningfully.

                “Yeah,” Buffy agreed with Faith’s statement. “I figure we start with California. We don’t find anything there, we’ll expand the search. But a guy like Caleb didn’t just get in the game. He’s been playing for a while and I wanna know where. Whatever it takes.” Turning to Dawn, she asked, “You good to help?”

                “Well, I was gonna do lots and lots of homework,” Dawn replied sarcastically, “but, darn the luck, they went and cancelled school.” Buffy passed Dawn a stack of papers. “So, looks like I got the time.”

                “Good,” said Buffy shortly, turning to her own stack.

                “Hey, Buffy…” Dawn prompted as she had a seat. “How was Xander’s mood, you know, exactly?” The Slayer silently shuffled her papers. “And did you get a chance to talk to the doctor about the meds? Because it seemed like-”

                “Hey, pipsqueak,” Faith interrupted, “why don’t you go get some of the stuff you’ve already gotten from Giles?”

                “Or, um,” Dawn mumbled awkwardly, “we can talk about this later, maybe.”

                “Okay,” Buffy replied, still not looking away from her work.

                “Yeah, I’ll be right back.” Quietly, Dawn left the room.

                “Try to find anything that looks like Caleb,” Buffy instructed the group. “His church, his ring…”

                “His ability to render a Slayer useless in just one punch,” said Kennedy. Faith frowned. Buffy looked up, pain and confusion in her eyes. “I didn’t – that was stupid,” Kennedy amended quickly. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

                “Uh, it’s okay,” Buffy said, standing and trying to correct her troubled expression. “Um…you know, I-I have to go to the school and pick up the rest of my stuff.” She turned toward the door.

                “I really didn’t mean-”

                “It’s fine,” Buffy insisted. “Really, it’s fine.” Frowning slightly, she added, “Hey, uh…isn’t Anya doing that thing for you guys today?”

                “Yeah,” said Kennedy quietly. “We were. We probably should head down there now.” She grasped Vi’s hand.

                “Okay. I’ll be back soon,” said the Slayer as Kennedy, Vi, and Amanda left the room. “See that everyone gets started on this,” she told Faith, turning to leave.

                “Yeah,” said Faith softly. She studied the papers quietly as the front door closed.

                “Hey.” Dawn returned to the dining room and her face fell when she realized Faith was the only one left. “Where’d everyone go?”

                “Wannabes went back downstairs,” Faith informed her. “And Buffy went to get her stuff from the school.”

                “She left?” asked Dawn, frowning thoughtfully.

                _Buffy won’t choose you._

                “But – she just got here,” the teen protested. “A-and we were gonna talk…”

                “Not always about you, kid,” Faith mumbled, rifling through a few pages. “Hey, you think we have any Hot Pockets left?”

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                “Raise.” Willow pushed two blue chips forward on the table.

                “Oh come on, Will,” Xander challenged. “I’d bet my other eye that you’re bluffing.”

                “Call it then,” said Willow boldly.

                Xander looked down at his cards then up at Willow’s face. Silently, he pushed two chips forward.

                “Show,” he instructed.

                They laid their cards out on the table. Xander had a pair of kings; Willow had four twos.

                “Gah!” complained the carpenter.

                “So,” said Willow as she raked in the chips, “do you wanna give me that eye now or later?”

                “Later,” Xander said shortly. “I still need to fill out the application for Bringer school.”

                “You know, I heard they’re recruiting,” Willow stated matter-of-factly.

                “So, another hand or-”

                “Deal me in,” said a voice from the doorway.

                “Buffy!” Willow exclaimed as she turned. “Oh my God,” she added, taking in the Slayer’s haggard state. “Are you okay?” Standing, she crossed to the doorway.

                “Deal me in,” repeated the Slayer, limping into the room and pulling up a chair. Xander set a small stack of chips in front of Buffy’s seat and began dealing the cards.

                “Buffy…” said Willow again as the two of them took their seats.

                “I’m okay,” she answered reassuringly. “Okay enough anyway.”

                “Plannin’ to tell us what happened?” Xander prompted as he finished dealing.

                “Had a religious experience,” said Buffy, rolling her head from shoulder to shoulder stiffly.

                “Caleb?” Willow questioned anxiously. “Is everyone okay?”

                “I was at the school,” Buffy replied.

                “Man,” Xander mused, “preachers in schools. It really is the end of the world.”

                “Is it the Seal?” Willow guessed. “Do we need to try shutting it again?”

                “Relax guys,” Buffy said reassuringly. “I’m working on a plan.”

                “Will,” Xander said quietly, “your bet.”

                “Oh.” Willow glanced briefly at her cards. “Check.”

                “Check,” Buffy seconded.

                “Same here,” Xander decided. “How many cards?”

                “Um…two,” said Willow, placing two cards face down on the table. “Buffy, what’s going on?”

                “Three,” said the Slayer, adding her cards. “Caleb tipped his hand.”

                “One,” Xander supplied. “And what’s he holding?”

                “Check,” said Willow again. “When do we get to find about the plan?”

                “When I’m ready to tell the whole group.” Buffy tossed a chip into the middle of the table. “And when you get home,” she added to Xander, who pushed two chips forward.

                “Still waitin’ for the all-clear from Dr. Kallet,” Xander informed her.

                “I’m glad you came back,” Willow said warmly, meeting Xander’s bet.

                “Sorry for bailing – again,” said the Slayer. “Raise.” She set two more chips on the table.

                “I-I know it’s hard for you,” Willow offered.

                “Raise,” said Xander, putting three chips in.

                “Fold.” Willow set her cards down with a pout. “So, were the police files any help?”

                “Don’t know,” said Buffy shortly. “Maybe there’ll be something, but it doesn’t change the endgame. I know what we need to do. Call.”

                “Show ‘em,” Xander stated, laying out his cards. He had three eights and two fours.

                “Not bad…” Buffy nodded at Xander’s cards. “Queen’s over sixes,” she said smugly, laying out her own full house. “And Xander…” she added as she raked in the chips, “I want you to know – I’m sorry.”

                “I’ll win ‘em back,” Xander answered with a smile.

                “You know what I mean,” Buffy countered flatly.

                “Not your fault, Buff,” said Xander softly as he began shuffling the cards. “It sucks, but I’ll deal.”

                “I feel bad, Xand,” the Slayer explained. “I feel terrible and I can barely even take the time to feel it because I have to keep saving the stupid world. I hope you both know that I’d rather be with you guys. The world’s mostly crappy anyway.”

                “I tried to destroy it,” Willow pointed out casually, “but you guys were all, ‘Oh no, don’t do that.’”

                And they laughed.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                The band played fast and loud. Faith swayed seductively to the rhythm, earning the attention of every male within sight of her. Dawn, Kennedy, and Vi were a few paces away, eagerly enjoying the music and rocking out to the beat.

                “What kind of band plays during an apocalypse?” Kennedy questioned.

                “I think this band might actually be one of the signs,” answered Dawn, happy to lose herself in the music.

                “Rock city news…” Vi sang along softly as she swayed in place and sipped her soda. Her eyes were drawn to the Slayer, moving fluidly on the dance floor.

                “She’s pretty hot, huh?” Kennedy said quietly in Vi’s ear.

                “Oh!” Vi averted her eyes quickly. “No. I-I was just.”

                “Chill,” said Kennedy firmly. “You gotta ease up, okay?”

                “Sorry.”

                “I think she’s hot too,” Kennedy pointed out. “Is that okay?”

                “Um, I guess so,” replied Vi with a shrug.

                “I also think you’re hot.” She traced a finger along Vi’s bottom lip. “And you’re the one I wanna be with.”

                “Okay, Faith’s hot,” Vi admitted with a blush.

                “I’m not so into the dancing,” Kennedy explained, “but I think I could show you some – moves – if you’re interested.”

                “I’m interested,” said Vi softly, looking into Kennedy’s eyes. “Oh God, am I interested.”

                They leaned in and started kissing.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Fold,” said Xander, throwing his cards down on the table.

                “You guys are chickens,” Buffy stated, raking in another stack of chips. “I only had a pair of aces.”

                “Still beats mine,” Xander informed her.

                “Oh, I could’ve won,” Willow lamented.

                “I’ll make it up to you sometime,” the Slayer assured her in a suggestive tone.

                “Ah, my eye, how I miss you so,” Xander sighed dramatically.

                “You know, maybe I’ll order the girls to have a pillow fight,” said Buffy thoughtfully.

                “It’s about time we put them to good use,” added Willow with a nod.

                “Okay, I am awake, right?” asked Xander.

                “Yes,” Buffy told him with a smile. “We’re joking.”

                “We are?” said Willow. “I was gonna suggest mud-wrestling next. You went and got my hopes up for nothing.”

                “Well, maybe you and I can-”

                “Hey,” said another voice.

                Anya walked into the room.

                “Oh,” she added at the sight of Buffy. “Didn’t realize you were here, Buffy.”

                “Hey,” the Slayer returned Anya’s greeting as she got out of her chair. “You can take over my chips if you want.”

                “You headin’ out?” Xander inquired.

                “Yeah,” said Buffy with a sigh. “Back to Slayer mode, I think.”

                “Don’t leave on my account,” Anya mumbled.

                “Hey,” Buffy said softly, placing a hand on Anya’s shoulder. “I’m not avoiding you or anything, okay? I know you think we’re not friends, but – I respect you, Anya. Really, I do. And I’m sorry for my part in – well, I’m sorry.” She turned back to Xander. “I’ll see you at home, okay?”

                “Yeah,” said Xander with a nod.

                “You too,” she offered, turning to Willow and leaning in for a kiss.

                “I love you, Buffy,” said Willow as they separated.

                “I love you too.” Buffy sighed and headed for the door. “Time to round up the troops.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Buffy called as she walked in the door. “Guys, how’s it-” She looked around and observed that the house was empty. “-going?”

                “Buffy,” said Giles from the dining room. “Are you hurt?”

                “Oh…” Buffy limped slightly as she turned. “Caleb came back looking for seconds.”

                “My God,” Giles said concernedly, “is h-he-”

                “Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head?” Buffy supplied as she entered the dining room. “You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.” She took a seat at the head of the table. “So…how did those police files work out? Were they helpful?”

                “Uh – uh – yes,” Giles stammered; Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “Very much so, I think. Um – there’s evidence that Caleb may have established a foothold up north.”

                “That’s great,” said Buffy tonelessly. “That’s-”

                “I, um… I sent Spike to look into it.” The Watcher quietly picked up a mug from the table and sipped from it.

                “Spike?” Buffy realized why Giles was stammering. “Is this a mission from which you intend Spike to return alive,” she asked sharply.

                “Yes.” Giles set down his mug again. “I sent Andrew with him.”

                “Again I ask the question,” Buffy countered.

                “Buffy, you weren’t here,” Giles reasoned. “Decisions have to be made in your absence.”

                “Yeah, well, those are the ones that have been scaring me,” said Buffy frankly.

                “I did what I thought was right,” defended the Watcher.

                “You sent away one of the people who’s actually watching my back – again.”

                “We’re all watching your back,” Giles retorted, brow furrowed.

                “Funny…” Buffy mused. “That’s not really what it feels like.” Pushing back her chair, the Slayer turned to leave the room.

                “Buffy-”

                “Where is everyone?” asked the Slayer.

                “What?”

                “Faith,” Buffy clarified. “The girls. Where are they?”

                “Um…” Buffy’s eyes narrowed further at the syllable. “Faith thought that the girls could do with some time off their studies. I-I thought… She took them to the Bronze.”

                Buffy sighed and walked back through the front door again.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Faith!” Buffy exclaimed as her fellow Slayer slammed a police officer into a wall. “What are you doing?” demanded the blonde.

                “Just blowin’ off steam,” said Faith with a shrug. “Well, it started that way. Turned when the cops went evil on us.”

                A line of girls spilled out of the door to the Bronze, gathering around Buffy and Faith.

                “Girls, go home,” Buffy said shortly, still glaring at Faith.

                “Buffy,” Dawn defended, “we weren’t-”

                “Dawn – you too. Go.”

                _Buffy won’t choose you_.

                Dawn walked off, frowning to herself.

                “What is this?” Buffy snapped at Faith.

                “They needed a break, alright?” the brunette replied moodily. “They’ve been running themselves into the ground. Things just got out of hand.”

                “Taking a break is one thing – I get blowing off steam,” Buffy assured her. “But they were fighting. And those girls were drunk! What were you thinking?”

                “Seemed like a good idea at the time,” replied Faith, shrugging again.

                “Yeah?” Buffy challenged. “What if someone had gotten hurt?”

                “They didn’t.”

                “Faith, I need to know that these girls are gonna be safe when I’m not around,” Buffy tried to explain.

                “No one got hurt, B,” Faith retorted hotly. “Look, you don’t even know these girls. Maybe you should have a little more confidence in ‘em, let ‘em mess up sometimes, ya know, get down and dirty. How the hell else are they gonna learn?”

                “Learning from your mistakes is one thing,” Buffy protested. “But you don’t throw children into-”

                “They’re not children,” responded Faith.

                “That really isn’t the point.” Turning, Buffy started walking away.

                “What about the vineyard?” Faith called after her.

                Buffy stopped.

                “What?” she asked coldly.

                “How safe were they when you dragged them off to meet Caleb?” said Faith angrily. “How safe was Rona or Amanda or Molly?”

                Buffy rounded on the other Slayer and punched her face, knocking her to the ground. Faith touched her face softly, staring at the blonde Slayer’s retreat with anger and pain in her eyes.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Look – guys…” Buffy began awkwardly as she hung a banner bearing the words ‘Welcome Home’ over the fireplace. “I want you to know I’m not mad at you,” she told the collection of potential Slayers in the living room as she turned to face them. “I get wanting to unwind – it’s important.”

                “Coulda fooled me,” Rona mumbled mutinously.

                “I’m sorry,” said the Slayer quietly. “I know I work you all really hard – and there’s a reason for that. It’s important that you know what being the Slayer is. Evil has one good day and one of you might be the next chosen one. But there’s more than what I’ve shown you. Being the Slayer isn’t just about being the hero.

                “I’ve known three Slayers,” she continued softly. “Me, Faith…and a girl called Kendra.” Sighing heavily, she looked around at her audience, seeing casual interest on most faces and rapt attention on a few. “Kendra was the Slayer before Faith. I know you guys think I’m uptight – and sometimes I am. Well, I thought Kendra was uptight. She wouldn’t hold for anything that distracted from her calling. She told me that emotions are weakness. And I’m gonna tell you guys what I told her… My emotions give me power. They’re total assets.

                “Being the Slayer means finding the balance. Your life is more than your calling, but the calling is always there. I don’t always show you guys my emotions… I don’t ever show you guys my emotions. Because, you know what – I’m scared too. And I don’t like for people to see that. But don’t think that I don’t feel anything. I’m sorry for what happened at the vineyard. It kills me inside.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Everything I’ve done – my whole life for months – every choice I make…it’s all about trying to do what’s best for you girls. I want all of you to be safe – and I can’t make that happen until we beat this thing. That’s why we attacked the vineyard last night. And it ended in pain and loss and I’m sorry...

                “One good day,” she said again. “That’s all they need. The First, Caleb, a Turok-Han, a Bringer, or even an ordinary vampire. They have one good day and that’s it. I’m gone. Faith’s gone. You’re the Slayer. It’s a very real possibility. I’m trying to prepare you for that possibility. I’m trying to keep all of you safe. As helpful as emotions are, sometimes the Slayer has to be cut off, has to be impersonal, has to push it all away, leave it for later…

                “You guys have all met Faith,” Buffy noted. “I think she’d tell you the same. She was the anti-Kendra. She’s better now, but back in the day – it was never about the calling. She got thirty-one flavors of power and it was all about the thrill. And it can be thrilling. But again, it’s about the balance. Faith had to learn that the hard way. Kendra got the easy option. Faith has to live with the things she’s done – the mistakes she’s made. Kendra lost sight of her life and she lost it. Faith lost sight of the mission – she had one bad day…

                “I don’t blame her. It was an accident. I don’t even blame her for how she handled it – at first. And I think she’s learned from it. She’d tell you the same now – find the balance. She pisses me off a lot – but she’s learning how it works. And that’s not to say I’m perfect,” she qualified quickly. “I’m not the shining example of perfect balance that I wish I could be. I’m just trying – the same as anyone. I want you all to understand these things…before I tell you what our next move is.

                “Take some time. Think about what I’ve told you. I can’t guarantee that you’ll all survive the things to come. I can’t even guarantee that I’ll survive. My only guarantee is that I will always do everything I can to make this world a safer place for you. None of you asked for this responsibility. No one signs on for the life they get. The question is – what are you gonna make out of what you have? So take some time and figure that out. We’ll get together again when the others get back from the hospital and talk about what’s next.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Xander walked carefully through the front door, Willow and Anya on either side of him, Robin and Faith following behind. As they made their way into the living room, he caught sight of the ‘Welcome Home’ banner.

                “Oh God,” he offered sentimentally.

                “We didn’t have time to do more,” Kennedy informed him. “You have to pretend there’s a big party here.”

                Dawn stepped forward and embraced Xander in a lasting, tight hug.

                “That’s fine,” answered Xander. “Parties in this house, I usually end up having to – rebuild something.”

                “Welcome home, Xander.” Buffy placed a hand on his shoulder as she entered from the dining room. “How are you?” she asked as they hugged.

                “Disappointed by the lack of a pillow fight,” said Xander gently.

                “Okay,” Buffy said softly, understanding the meaning behind the light humor. They pulled apart and the Slayer turned to her girlfriend. “How about you, Will?”

                “Happy to be home,” the witch responded as they embraced. “And you?”

                “Happy to see you,” said Buffy. “Grimly resigned and determined about the rest.”

                “I believe in you, Buffy.”

                “I’m glad you’re home. I wanted everyone to be here for this,” the Slayer explained. “I think you’ll all be interested to know what I’ve found out,” she added at a slightly raised volume, calling the potential Slayers to attention. She turned to face them, standing next to Willow in the doorway as Xander took a seat.

                “So…what did you find out?” Willow prompted gently.

                “I-it’s about the cellar,” Buffy began. “Look, I know that night wasn’t fun for any of us… But I figured something out about that place and I realize now what we have to do.” Concerned and inquisitive glances met these words. “We’re going back in.”

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                “Look, I know what you’re thinking,” Buffy said quickly, hoping to quell the mutinous glares she was receiving from half the room, “but I had a visit at the school today from Caleb.”

                “Buffy,” Dawn said concernedly, “why didn’t you-”

                “I’m fine,” Buffy cut her off. “I mean, it wasn’t fun, but I’m fine. I’m better than fine,” she amended. “I-I figured something out. He kept making all this noise about the school.”

                “Is it that Seal again?” Robin questioned, standing in the corner next to Faith.

                “No, that’s just it,” said the Slayer. “We’ve spent all this time worrying about the Seal and the Hellmouth. Why isn’t Caleb guarding them? Why is he camped out at the vineyard? The bad guys always go where the power is. So if the Seal is so important to Caleb and The First, they would be there right now. They’re protecting the vineyard – or something at the vineyard. I say it’s their power – and I say it’s time we go in and take it away from them.”

                “Or, in the alternative,” Faith suggested, “how ‘bout – we don’t?” Buffy glared. “I mean, it’s a neat theory, B, but I’m not goin’ back in that place, not without proof, and neither should you and neither should they,” she added with a gesture toward the potentials.

                “I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy,” Buffy began.

                “I think Faith had the floor,” defended Robin.

                Both Slayers glanced at him and then back at each other.

                “Maybe it ends okay the way you wanna play it,” continued Faith, “but maybe it doesn’t. And right now, I don’t think I want you playin’ the odds.”

                “Did you come here to fight?” Buffy challenged.

                “Listen, we’re fighters, all of us,” said Faith, “but you gotta give me something to fight. Something real, not…”

                “Windmills,” Giles supplemented softly.

                “There is something there,” Buffy stated firmly, rounding on her former Watcher.

                “Maybe,” said Giles plainly. “But we can’t be sure of that. This is a hell of a lot to ask.”

                “Too much,” Robin agreed.

                “I-I don’t understand this,” said Buffy, glancing around the room nervously. “For seven years, I’ve kept us safe by doing this – exactly this – making the hard decisions. And now, what – suddenly you’re all acting like you can’t trust me?”

                “Didn’t you say to me today, you can’t trust us?” Giles responded. “Maybe there’s something there that should be addressed.”

                “Fine.” Buffy threw up her hands in frustration. “Yes, I have trust issues. But this isn’t a therapy session; this is about the mission and I know what I’m doing.”

                “Do you?” Rona countered. “I think you’re being reckless.”

                “What?”

                “You are!” she insisted. “I don’t even know you and I can tell! You are so obsessed with beating Caleb, you are willing to jump into any plan without thinking.”

                “Rona,” Willow interrupted quietly, “you just said it – you don’t know her.”

                “That’s not what I’m doing,” Buffy added.

                “Well, that’s how it feels to us,” Kennedy explained, leaving her seat on the couch.

                “Kennedy…” Willow said gently.

                “Look,” Kennedy spoke to Willow, “I know that you wanna support her – but aren’t you worried about her judgment at all.”

                “Not in the slightest,” replied Willow devoutly. “I trust her – more completely than ever.”

                “Guys,” Buffy’s voice was quiet, but fervent. “Look, I wish this could be a democracy. I really do. Democracies don’t win battles. It’s a hard truth, but there has to be a single voice. You need someone to issue orders and be reckless sometimes and not take your feelings into account. You need someone to lead you.”

                “And it’s automatically you,” Anya noted. “You really do think you’re better than we are.”

                “No, I-”

                “But we don’t know,” Anya pressed. “We don’t know if you’re actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that’s the legacy.”

                “I-”

                “But you didn’t earn it.”

                “Anya!” cried Willow indignantly.

                “You didn’t work for it,” said Anya, undeterred. “You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.”

                “Lucky?” Buffy demanded coldly. “You wanna talk about how lucky I am?”

                “Buffy…” Willow said softly.

                “Do you want this life?” the Slayer challenged. “Do any of you want this life?” she added, gesturing to the potentials. “Take it. I didn’t ask for it – take it. Kill me and kill Faith and take it.”

                “Buffy,” Willow repeated urgently.

                “Does any of you know how many times I’ve wanted to quit?”

                “I do, Buffy,” said Willow, placing her hands on the Slayer’s shoulders.

                “I know you do,” Buffy assured her quickly. “Guys,” she continued, “I’m not the Slayer because of the power. I told you, it’s more than that. I’m the Slayer because I use that power and because I accept the responsibility – because I answered the call… I’ve gotten us this far.”

                “But not without a price,” Xander said darkly.

                “Xander…”

                “I’m trying to see your point here, Buff,” he told her. “Really, I am…but I guess it must be a little bit to my left…” he shook his head sadly, “’cause I just don’t.”

                “Look, I’m willing to talk strategy, okay,” the Slayer said levelly. “I’ll hear suggestions on how to break this down, but this is the plan. We have to be together on this or we will fail again.”

                “We are clearly demonstrating that we are _not_ together on this!” Giles protested.

                “Which is why you need to fall in line,” Buffy said commandingly. “I’m still in charge here.”

                “Why is that exactly?” Rona argued.

                “Because I’m the Slayer.”

                “And isn’t Faith a Slayer too?” She gestured toward Faith’s corner of the room.

                “What?” said Faith suddenly, caught off guard by the implication. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. So not what I meant. I’m not in charge chick. I think B here needs to just – chill out for a little bit – take a siesta or something. But I’m not the one you want.”

                “Maybe we just need-” Willow began.

                “Maybe we need a vote,” Kennedy suggested, “to see who wants Faith to have a turn in charge.”

                “No!” said Buffy and Willow together.

                “No, what?” Kennedy questioned.

                “Faith just said she didn’t want it,” explained Willow.

                “No,” Buffy repeated. “You don’t get to vote until I’ve had my chance to pal around, you know, get everybody drunk. See, I didn’t get that this was a popularity contest. I should have equal time to bake them cookies, braid their hair-”

                “Learn their names,” Faith supplied.

                “You’re loving this, aren’t you?” said Buffy with a sardonic laugh.

                “You have no idea what I’m feeling,” countered Faith with cold indignation.

                “Buffy,” Willow tried, “she has a-”

                “Come in here,” Buffy ranted at her fellow Slayer, “take everything I have…”

                “Buffy,” said Willow more firmly. “This isn’t about Faith.”

                “Isn’t it?” Buffy persisted. “Which one of us do you guys think is more likely to turn our back when the going gets rough?”

                “Buffy, that’s enough!” Giles insisted loudly.

                “I didn’t come here to take anything away from you,” Faith contested, “but I’m not gonna be your little lapdog either. I came here to beat the other guy, to do right, however it works. I don’t know if I can lead. But the real question is – can you follow?”

                “So we vote,” said Robin plainly.

                “Wait,” Buffy requested. “Guys…” Looking around her, she saw resentment on nearly every face.

                “I’m here for you, Buffy,” Willow pledged, observing the same unnerving emotions in the rest of the group.

                “Guys…” she tried again, swallowing nervously. “I can’t watch you just throw away everything that…” She looked to Xander and Dawn, the latter of whom would not meet her glance. They both kept their silence. “I know I’m right about this,” the Slayer insisted. “I just need a little…”

                “You guys don’t know Buffy,” Willow addressed them quietly. “But you need to trust her.”

                “Like we don’t know why you’re defending her,” Anya challenged.

                “I’m defending her because I trust her,” returned Willow calmly.

                “And you don’t think she can make mistakes?” asked Kennedy.

                “She can. She has. She’s human,” Willow acknowledged. “If you’re expecting perfection then you deserve to be disappointed.”

                “I already told you guys I’m not perfect,” said Buffy sadly.

                “What, like you thought one more speech would win us over?” Rona retorted.

                “That’s not what that was,” Buffy argued. “You guys need to accept that I’ll do whatever it takes to make this stop.”

                “We all want that,” Giles pointed out.

                “Then I’m your girl,” stated the Slayer. “I know what needs to be done… I’ve devoted myself to all of you – to the mission – and yet you guys seem ready to dismiss that… I can’t stay here and watch her lead you into some disaster.”

                “Buffy…” Willow’s tone was soft and concerned.

                At Buffy’s last words, Dawn stood. Slowly, the teen paced across the room, standing face to face with her sister.

                “Then you can’t stay here,” she said softly.

                “Dawn!” Willow cautioned firmly, her jaw going rigid.

                Buffy stared blankly at her sister.

                “Buffy, I love you, but you were right,” Dawn continued. “We have to be together on this. You can’t be a part of it.” She took a breath. Buffy blinked once in stunned disbelief. “So I need you to leave.”

                “No!” Willow protested, hands balling into fists at her side. “Don’t you dare, Dawn.”

                “I’m sorry, but this is my house too.”

                “How could you?” Willow demanded. “You should know better than anyone – Buffy?” The Slayer turned away from the group. “Buffy!” Willow grasped her wrist. Buffy pulled away and began walking toward the door.

                “NO!” Willow threw up a barrier, impeding the Slayer’s progress. “Dawnie,” she turned back to face the teen, “tell her to stay,” she pleaded, tears springing to her eyes. Buffy continued to stare blankly at the barrier.

                **_*Let me out, please.*_** Buffy’s thoughts echoed in the witch’s mind.

                “Don’t make me choose,” Willow begged both of them.

                **_*Don’t choose me,*_** thought Buffy.

                Willow stepped closer to the Slayer.

                “I won’t let you shut me out, Buffy.” The barrier dropped as Willow took Buffy’s hand a second time. “If you’re going – then I’m with you.”

                Buffy made no protest, simply reaching forward and opening the door. Together they stepped out into the night. The group was silently ponderous as the door closed.

                Slowly, Buffy and Willow walked to the edge of the porch, only to freeze again as the door opened behind them.

                “Hey,” said Faith quietly. “Look, I swear I didn’t want it to go this way-”

                “Don’t,” Buffy said thickly through her tears.

                “I mean it, I-”

                “Faith,” Willow offered, “maybe you should-”

                “Don’t…” Buffy said again, “be afraid to lead them. Whether you wanted it or not, their lives are yours. It’s only gonna get harder. Protect them,” she turned her tearstained face to the other Slayer, “but lead them.”

                Faith returned silently to the house as Buffy and Willow went off into the night.

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 **Next Chapter** : Touched


	16. Touched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith has taken the leadership role at Command Central. Where does that leave Buffy?

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 16** : Touched  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Faith has taken the leadership role at Command Central. Where does that leave Buffy?

 **A/N** : This is getting to be an interesting challenge. Also, I’m not gonna rewrite those first couple of argument scenes just to pull Willow’s lines out. There are two scenes and she has one line in each of them; assume the conversation flowed similarly enough without her. The ones she actually impacted, I’ll rewrite.

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                Willow’s feet were getting tired. Buffy was more accustomed to the walking, having patrolled nearly every night for seven years and having spent the majority of her life without a driver’s license. With everything else, walking felt particularly painful. However, neither of them was ready for discussion and so they walked along in silence. It was just as Willow was wondering how far they would go that Buffy finally stopped, turning toward one of many empty-looking houses on the road. Willow followed quietly as Buffy walked up the driveway and kicked down the door.

                At first glance, the house appeared to be empty as suspected, but as they stepped across the threshold, a man came around the corner, holding a shotgun.

                “Don’t move,” he said, both commanding and panicked. “Get out of my house.”

                “Hey.” Buffy stepped forward and pulled the shotgun away before the man could react; he sighed in grim defeat. “I thought the place would be empty,” Buffy explained to him. “We were looking for a place to crash. You know, you really should leave.”

                “You can’t just kick me out of my own house,” the man retorted indignantly.

                “Why not?” challenged the Slayer dryly. “It’s what all the cool kids are doing nowadays.”

                “This town really is kinda going to hell,” Willow pointed out. “Kinda literally.”

                “It’s not your house,” Buffy continued. “It’s not your town. Not anymore.”

                The man left quietly through the open door as Buffy went to raid the fridge.

                “Got any tab?”

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                “I’ve never been the bait before,” Kennedy commented as she pulled a Bringer’s knife from its own back. “That was, uh…actually kind of scary.”

                “We had your back,” said potential Slayer Caridad.

                “Maybe she did,” Vi contradicted. “I was just enjoying the view.”

                “You mean you would’ve let that guy kill me?” Kennedy questioned with a pout as Giles tied up the last living Bringer.

                “I know you can handle yourself,” Vi assured her. “You’re really something when you fight. The way you move…” she blushed slightly.

                “Yes, well…” Giles stood, removing his glasses to clean them. “You did well, Kennedy,” he complimented. “Your performance as a disgruntled minion was spot on.”

                “I method,” said Kennedy with a smile and a shrug as she grasped Vi’s hand. “Let’s get this back to the captain,” she added, nodding toward the Bringer.

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                “So…” Willow prompted gently, laying next to Buffy on the bed they had annexed along with the rest of the house.

                “Just hold me,” Buffy pleaded.

                Pulling herself closer, Willow cradled the Slayer’s head to her chest with one hand and wrapped the other arm around her waist.

                “Can we talk about it?” requested the witch.

                “I don’t know,” Buffy answered quietly.

                “We can wait – if you’d rather just sleep,” Willow offered. “We can talk in the morning.”

                “You shouldn’t have come with me,” said the Slayer sadly.

                “You’re worth it,” Willow countered firmly. “I wasn’t about to let you walk out thinking you’re not worth it. You’re so important to me, Buffy. I need you to know that.”

                “You should’ve stayed,” continued the Slayer. “This isn’t your burden.”

                “You’re not a burden, Buffy,” said Willow devoutly. “I love you.”

                “I’m sorry,” Buffy added. “I pulled you away from – everyone.”

                “Two things,” Willow told her. “First, I walked away. You didn’t pull me away. Second, I wouldn’t have been able to stay. Not after that. I don’t know if you – things almost got – really bad… Time away is – necessary. I might’ve…”

                “Will…” Buffy shifted slightly, looking up at the witch’s face.

                “It was hard to hold back,” she explained. “When they were – I wanted to magic their mouths shut – teach them to respect you – the hard way… The – the thoughts I had… A-and when – I can’t…”

                Silence fell. They both shifted anxiously trying to get closer to each other, to comfort and be comforted in kind.

                “Anyway,” said Willow, sniffling slightly. “I’m not sorry I left.”

                “I’ve always been cut off,” Buffy observed. “And now I’m dragging you with me.”

                “No, Buffy.”

                “I’m not good for you…”

                “Stop that,” Willow insisted. “It’s not like that.” Soothingly, she began stroking the Slayer’s hair. “I made my own choices, Buffy. I’m here because I believe you’re right. I trust you completely. And we’ll sort this out.”

                “No.”

                “We can do it,” asserted the redhead. “They want proof, so we’ll get it. We’ll go together.”

                “No,” Buffy said again.

                “You don’t have to go alone.”

                “I’m not going.”

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                “Oh, hey,” said Dawn as Giles and Faith came into the kitchen. “So…?”

                “Uh, the Bringer’s dumb,” said Giles, replacing his glasses.

                “You were expecting, what, a Rhoades Scholar?” Anya challenged.

                “Dumb as in mute,” Giles clarified.

                “Someone ripped out its tongue,” added Faith helpfully.

                “Oh, gross,” Amanda noted.

                “Hey…” Dawn held up a hand to silence the group as a thought occurred to her. “I’ve been reading this old Turkish spell book. There’s an old conjuration that the ancient Turks used to communicate with the dying.”

                “And…?” Faith prompted.

                “Um, so the spell is used to communicate with people who can’t talk,” explained the teen. “Um, like if a person was dying, this spell would let them say their goodbyes or, you know, gripe about how nobody came to visit them. Would this help us with Mr. No-Tongue?”

                “Seems plausible,” Giles allowed. “Without – without Willow though.”

                “Oh, don’t give me that,” Dawn countered. “This is basic stuff.”

                “I think even I could pull it off,” Anya supplemented helpfully.

                “See? Anya can help me.”

                “Great,” said Faith. “While you guys do that, the rest of us can-”

                “We’re back!” called Andrew’s voice from the front door.

                Everyone froze.

                “Spike,” Giles commented as the vampire walked into the room.

                “Hey,” said Spike nonchalantly, looking around to see who was in the room.

                “Hi, everybody,” Andrew said cheerfully as he entered the room, carrying his helmet over to a shelf. “I missed you guys a lot. Sorry it took so long to get back from our mission – mission, but we had to wait out the sun.” The others waited nervously, watching Andrew in an attempt to avoid meeting Spike’s eye. “Well, I think our mission went very well. We, uh, we rode on Spike’s hog, which was very cool, and, uh – uh, played some amusing games, and – oh! We got some new information. You know what?” he added as he started to leave the room. “I really need to urinate.”

                “He’s a breath of fresh air, isn’t he?” Spike asked as Andrew left the room. “Thank God I don’t breathe.” No one made any replies. “So, I think we got a lead. Where’s Buffy?”

                “Um…” Dawn still wouldn’t meet the vampire’s gaze. “She’s not here right now.”

                “And Willow?” he prompted further.

                “With her,” Giles informed him.

                “Well, when are they getting back?” he asked leadingly.

                “Ah, well, uh…” Giles stammered awkwardly. “While you were away we – all of us – we – discussed some things.”

                “Some disagreements,” Xander offered helpfully.

                “And – after much deliberation – Buffy decided it would be best if she…”

                “Took some time off.”

                “Uh-huh,” said Spike disbelievingly. “So, uh, Buffy took some time off, right in the middle of the apocalypse, and it was her decision?”

                “Well, we all decided,” Xander pointed out.

                “Oh, yeah. _You_ all decided,” the vampire scoffed. “You sad, sad, ungrateful traitors. Who do you think you are?”

                “We’re her friends,” defended Xander. “We just wanted-”

                “Oh, that’s ballsy of you,” Spike retorted. “You’re her friends and you betray her like this?”

                “You don’t understand,” said Giles.

                “You know, I think I do,” Spike interrupted. “Rupert,” he added disdainfully. “You used to be the big man, didn’t you? The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now she’s surpassed you and you can’t handle it. She has saved your lives again and again,” he told the group. “She has _died_ for you. And this is how you thank-”

                “Hey,” Faith cut him off. “Why don’t you take it down a notch or two? The time for speech giving is over, bat boy.”

                “Oh, is that right?” Spike challenged, crossing his arms and eyeing the Slayer coldly.

                “Yeah, that’s right,” said Faith, meeting his glare just as boldly. “Save your lack of breath.”

                “Alright.” Spike relaxed his posture slightly before rearing back and punching Faith.

                “You’re pretty sweet on her aren’t you?” Faith kicked him once in the face. “I think it’s cute,” they traded blows, “the way she’s got you whipped.” Another kick sent Spike into the dining room, sliding across the table.

                “Enough!” Giles insisted loudly.

                Faith ignored the Watcher, charging into the dining room and beginning to hit Spike’s face repeatedly. Kicking her off, Spike leapt again to his feet.

                “Finally got what you wanted, didn’t you?” Spike taunted as they exchanged more punches. “Where are they?”

                “I don’t know,” Faith returned angrily.

                For a tense moment, they stared at each other in cold fury before Spike turned and walked out the door.

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                “Wasn’t that always a possibility?” Buffy suggested. “Faith wants to be Miss Sunnydale in the Slayer pageant, she can have it.”

                “No,” Willow denied. “Buffy, if you wanna rest, then that’s one thing… But I’m not gonna be Support-O-Gal while you give up on something you believe in. They took this from you, Buffy, but it wasn’t theirs to take.”

                “What difference does it make?”

                “We’ll take it back,” persisted the witch. “You’re not a quitter, Buffy.”

                “Watch me.”

                “You’re too good for this,” Willow continued, undeterred. “I believe in you, Buffy. I won’t give up on you and you shouldn’t give up on yourself either.”

                “What if they’re right?” The Slayer’s voice shook slightly. “I was wrong about everything else. Cutting myself off from them – pushing you away – trusting…any of them.”

                “I think you’re wrong right now.”

                Buffy sat up.

                “If you let this take you down, then you’re wrong,” Willow continued boldly, sitting up as well. “But you can make it right if you work for it. You’re an amazing woman, Buffy. Kind and strong and so incredible.”

                “I don’t feel incredible,” Buffy confided.

                “But you are,” vowed Willow. “You are.” She brought a hand up to Buffy’s face.

                “I’m just so tired.”

                “So sleep,” Willow recommended softly, stroking the Slayer’s cheek with her thumb. “You can rest and we can leave everything else for the morning. Just let go and be free for a while. Like a kite – a kite in the wind. You be a kite, and I’ll be your kite string.”

                “I love you,” she said gently, leaning on the witch as they eased back onto the mattress. “It’s the only thing I know – but I know it.”

                “I love you too.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Speak to us,” Dawn said commandingly, having finished reading the incantation to the Bringer.

                “Maybe I should rough him up a little,” Andrew suggested.

                “Andrew!” Xander said shortly.

                “Quiet!” Kennedy supplemented.

                “I-I don’t know guys,” said Dawn in confusion. “That should have worked.” She looked to Giles.

                “I am a drone in the mind that is evil,” Andrew said tonelessly.

                “Could you just shut up?” Xander snapped in frustration.

                “I say I’m part of the great darkness.”

                “Somebody needs a reality check,” retorted Kennedy.

                “Or a muzzle,” Xander quipped.

                “Wait…” Giles turned to Andrew in realization.

                “I am only a fragment of the we. We work as one to serve The First.”

                Xander and Kennedy backed away from the table as understanding hit them.

                “So what do you – the we – do for The First?” Dawn asked, looking between Andrew and the Bringer, trying to decide which one she should speak to.

                “We work to prepare for the inevitable battle.”

                Kennedy grabbed the Bringer’s knife and held it to its master’s throat.

                “How?” she demanded. “Tell me exactly what the Bringers are doing.”

                “Kennedy,” Giles protested, “he can’t see the knife.”

                “We can feel the knife.”

                “Kennedy?” Giles held out his hand for the weapon, which she grudgingly handed to him.

                “We attend to the needs of the infinite evil. We exterminate girls and destroy the legacy of the Slayer. We build an arsenal beneath the dirt. We obey the commands of our teacher Caleb.”

                “Wait,” Xander interrupted. “Could we go back to the dirt thing?”

                “We build weapons to prepare for the coming war…at the farthest edge of town. We are everywhere. We are like the ocean’s waves. We watch your efforts and are not scared. We will laugh at you as you die.”

                Giles stepped forward and cut the Bringer’s throat with his own knife.

                “What the bananas?” Andrew exclaimed, clutching convulsively at his own throat. “You are so lucky that you did not just – magically decapitate me.”

                “We’ve got enough here,” Giles decided, ignoring Andrew. “We need to get Faith in on this.”

                “I’ll get her,” Kennedy volunteered, hurrying up the stairs.

                “Xander,” the Watcher continued, “gather some maps. We need to find a subterranean space large enough to house an armory.” Along with Dawn, they made their way upstairs as well.

                “I feel used and violated,” Andrew commented, following behind them and holding his throat. “I need a lozenge.”

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                Buffy and Willow lay still and quiet for a moment. Until someone started knocking on the door.

                “Who’d be knocking?” Willow questioned.

                “Leave it,” said the Slayer. “They’ll go away.”

                And for a second it seemed like they had. Then…

                “There you are,” said Spike, striding in the doorway.

                “Spike?” Willow stirred at the vampire’s entrance; Buffy sank quietly into a pillow, not caring to talk to either of them.

                “Do you realize I could just walk in here, no invite needed? This town really is there’s now, isn’t it?”

                “Seems like,” Willow said dryly. “Did you-”

                “I heard,” Spike answered before Willow could finish the question. “I was over there. That bitch.” Willow frowned in confusion, surprised that Spike would talk about Dawn that way. “She’s all about smiles and reformation when you’re on your feet,” and then Willow realized that Spike had meant Faith; Buffy remained motionless and silent, “but the moment you’re down, it’s all about the kicking, isn’t that right? Makes me want-”

                “It wasn’t just Faith.” Buffy spoke at last. “It was all of them.” She sighed heavily as Willow reached over to stroke her hair. “And it’s not like they were wrong.” She looked over at Spike. “Please leave.”

                “Maybe you should,” Willow added. “Just leave it until-”

                “No,” Spike stated firmly. “This’ll change your tune,” he continued excitedly. “I came here ‘cause I got something to tell you,” he looked directly at Buffy. “You were right.”

                “What do you-” Willow began.

                “Caleb is trying to protect something from you. And I think you were spot on, all the way; I think it’s at the vineyard. So?” he prompted. “You were right. Buffy?”

                “I don’t feel very right,” she answered sadly.

                “Buffy…” Willow continued to stroke her hair calmingly.

                “You’re not fooling me,” the vampire insisted.

                Buffy moved slightly to look at him.

                “What do you even mean?” she challenged.

                “You’re not a quitter,” Spike reasoned.

                “I tried that one,” Willow pointed out.

                “And…?”

                “Just leave it for morning, Spike,” requested the redhead.

                “Buffy,” he turned his gaze to her again, “you were their leader. You still are. This isn’t something you gave up, it’s something they took.”

                “Tried that one too,” Willow informed him. “Just let her sleep for now.”

                “But we can take it back,” Spike argued.

                “No,” the Slayer said softly, sitting up as she abandoned the prospect of sleep until Spike was sufficiently dealt with.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey, Faith,” said Kennedy from the doorway.

                “What is it, Ken?” asked the Slayer as she turned away from the window through which she had been staring.

                “Two things,” Kennedy prefaced. “Actually three,” she decided. “First, don’t call me Ken. Second, Giles wants you downstairs to go over what we got from the Bringer.”

                “Okay.” Faith crossed to the door.

                “And the third thing,” Kennedy continued, barring Faith’s progress. “Well…Buffy and Willow are gone.”

                “And I thought I was slow,” Faith quipped.

                “Their room is empty,” explained Kennedy. “Maybe you should take it…”

                “Ohhh.” Faith rolled her eyes. “Fine. Now get out of the way.”

                “Thanks,” said Kennedy as she stepped aside.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “No?” Spike inquired.

                “No,” repeated the Slayer, sliding to the edge of the bed.

                “You mean no as in eventually?”

                “You really have problems with that word, don’t you?”

                “You can get them back,” Spike insisted.

                “Can, maybe,” Buffy allowed. “Should?” Willow joined Buffy at the edge of the bed, sitting to the Slayer’s left. “I’m just so tired.” Her head dropped casually onto the witch’s shoulder.

                “Spike, just let her rest,” Willow requested.

                “They need you,” persisted Spike. “Both of you.”

                “Well, I-” Buffy started.

                “It’s bloody chaos over there without you.”

                “It is?” Buffy questioned.

                “Really?” added Willow, slightly alarmed.

                “Yeah!” Spike’s voice cracked as he said it. “Yeah, it’s uh…there’s junk.” Willow frowned; Buffy had never stopped frowning. “You know, food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up, everyone’s very scared and – uh, unkempt.”

                “Sounds dire,” Buffy retorted dryly.

                “I didn’t see a lot.” Spike sat at Buffy’s other side. “I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left.”

                “Really?” asked Buffy, face brightening slightly. “I mean, not that I’m glad, but-”

                “Oh, you say the word and she’s a footnote in history,” Spike pledged. “I’ll make it look like a painful accident.”

                “Hey, I’d kill her too,” Willow offered competitively.

                “That’s my problem,” Buffy said quietly. “I say the word, some girl dies…every time.”

                “Buffy, that’s not your fault,” Willow reminded her.

                “Yeah, there’s always casualties in war,” Spike supplemented.

                “Casualties,” Buffy observed. “It just sounds so…casual. These are girls – that I got killed.”

                “Not your fault,” Willow repeated firmly.

                “I cut myself off from them…all of them. I knew I was gonna lose some of them and I didn’t…” She shook her head sadly and stood. “You know what?” Tone becoming frustrated, she turned to face Willow and Spike. “I’m still making excuses. I’ve always cut myself off. I’ve always…” A sigh escaped her. “Being the Slayer made me different. But it’s my fault I stayed that way.”

                “Look at you!” Willow stood indignantly. “It’s like you’re turning into Angel or something. Enough with the self-loathing! Yes, you cut yourself off, but who can blame you?” She gestured flamboyantly with her hands as she spoke. “Look at me! Look at Spike! We’re in your corner, Buffy. There are people who support you and believe in you and love you. I’m telling you now to get over it! If you have to cut yourself off, then do it, but don’t you dare hate yourself afterwards. You’re extraordinary and nothing you’ve done could make me think otherwise.”

                “What she said,” Spike offered, pointing at Willow.

                “You both know,” Buffy told them plainly. “People are always trying to connect to me – and I just slip away.”

                “Get over it!” said Willow again. “Either embrace it or change it – that’s in your power – but enough of the wallowing. I get it,” she assured the Slayer, “you put yourself out there – you tried to trust them – and they threw it back in your face. It happens. That just means it didn’t work that time, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of connecting… We’re connected.”

                “I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting,” added Spike.

                “Oh, please,” Buffy dismissed, shaking her head at the vampire. “We were never close. You just wanted me because I was – unattainable.”

                “You think that’s all that was?” Spike challenged, standing angrily.

                “Please, let’s not go over the past,” said Buffy, returning to the bed. Willow watched them both, standing awkwardly in place and looking suddenly conflicted.

                “Oh, no, no,” Spike argued. “I’ve hummed along to your pity ditty and I think I should have the mic for a bit.”

                “Fine,” Buffy conceded. “The stage is yours. Cheer me up.”

                “Buffy, I love you,” Willow interrupted. “You know that, right?”

                Spike shifted uncomfortably, watching in silence.

                “What?” asked the Slayer in confusion. “Of course I do.”

                “We’re connected,” the witch said quietly. “I know you’re connected; I’ve been in there, remember?”

                “Yes, Will.”

                “Do you think I don’t feel the same way?”

                “What?”

                “I love you…does that mean anything to you?” She looked into the Slayer’s eyes, pleading silently.

                “Willow, it means everything to me,” Buffy vowed, standing again and taking both of Willow’s hands in her own. “I love you too.”

                “Aren’t we close?”

                “Oh…I-I didn’t mean to…” she trailed off uncertainly. “I know that you love me. Really, I do.”

                “You keep saying that no one’s close to you – and I’m right here.” Tears spilled from her eyes. “And it hurts me when you say that.”

                “Willow…” She pulled the witch close to her. “I really didn’t mean it like that.”

                “You’re not alone, Buffy,” Willow said thickly. “I keep trying to tell you – and you never believe it.”

                “I believe it,” Buffy assured her. “I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have said it that way. I didn’t mean you… I really do know you love me. I always feel it from you – I was just talking about – I believe it,” she repeated. “I believe you.”

                “We – we need to have our date soon,” said Willow, pulling back and drying her eyes. “I need you to understand – that I feel exactly the same way you feel about me.”

                “Okay,” said Buffy reassuringly. “Soon. But I really do believe you. I’ve never been this close to anyone. I – I was kind of taking it for granted – and I’m sorry. I just meant that – other people. I believe in _you_. I just wish other people loved me too.”

                “I do,” Spike offered quietly.

                “Spike,” Buffy countered with a trace of exasperation.

                “It’s not like that,” he contradicted her quickly. “Buffy, when I say ‘I love you’, it’s not because I want you or I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are,” Spike continued fervently, “what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.” A single tear rolled down Buffy’s face now. “You’re a hell of a woman.”

                “What he said,” Willow added. “You’re the one, Buffy.”

                “I don’t wanna be the one,” she told them quietly.

                “I don’t wanna be your most powerful weapon,” Willow pointed out.

                “I don’t wanna be this good looking and athletic,” Spike supplemented. “We all have crosses to bear.”

                They all grinned slightly.

                “You’re loved, Buffy,” Willow vowed. “By lots of people, whether you know it or not. I could go back and grab Xander; he’d tell you the same thing. Even though they disagree – there are people there who love you… You don’t have to make any decisions tonight – but don’t forget that you’re loved. And more than that – you’re worth loving.”

                “Willow,” Buffy answered shortly, tears flowing freely now.

                “I’ll leave you two alone,” Spike decided.

                “Spike,” said the witch gently, “you don’t have to…”

                “I’ll check in before first light,” he promised them. “Buffy, you can decide how you want…” He paused for a moment and then turned quietly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Vi had been surprised when she pulled back her sleeping bag to find a note waiting for her. The page was torn from her own notebook and she recognized the handwriting as Kennedy’s. Now she stood outside the door to Kennedy’s room, holding that note and staring apprehensively at the doorknob. After a moment’s indecision, she placed one hand on the knob and raised the other, knocking softly.

                “Come in,” Kennedy called softly from the other side.

                “Hey,” Vi greeted as she entered. “So I got your note. What did you wanna – whoa.” Vi dropped the folded piece of paper.

                Kennedy lay uncovered on the bed, wearing a slinky nightie and twirling her hair casually around one finger.

                “Lock it,” the brunette instructed as Vi shut the door.

                “So, um…” Vi turned to face Kennedy again. “Holy God, you look good.”

                “Thanks,” said Kennedy with a smile.

                “It’s, uh…” as she spoke, she stepped forward cautiously, “it’s just us then?”

                “It is.”

                “Faith?”

                “Taking Buffy’s room,” Kennedy said informatively. “Just me – and you… Come here.” She patted the bed next to her.

                “Okay.” Slowly, she eased herself onto the bed next to the scantily clad potential Slayer, blushing slightly as her breathing became uneven. “This – this is nice.”

                “Nice,” Kennedy agreed, nudging Vi’s chin gently. “And necessary.”

                Vi closed the distance between them and they started kissing.

                “Mmm,” Kennedy mumbled contentedly. “Foreplay was,” kiss, “threatening to,” kiss, “turn into twelve-play.”

                After another kiss, Vi pulled back, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling.

                “Something not right?” Kennedy asked her quietly.

                “It’s just…”

                “Too fast?” guessed Kennedy.

                “No,” Vi assured her quickly. “I’m, uh – kinda scared right now.”

                “Probably stupid to ask why, huh?” Kennedy trailed a finger along Vi’s shoulder. “Death, war, apocalypse.”

                “Me,” supplied the redhead. “Kennedy – I’ve – never done this before…”

                “With a girl?” prompted the brunette.

                “With anyone.”

                “Oh…” Kennedy’s finger stopped stroking Vi’s shoulder. “If you’d rather – I mean we can wait.”

                “No,” answered Vi. “I want to. Really… I’m just nervous.”

                “It’s okay if you want to wait, Vi,” said Kennedy reassuringly. “Really, it is.”

                “I don’t wanna wait,” Vi replied. “I just – I wanna do it right.”

                “I’m sure it will be wonderful,” Kennedy pledged. “Just being with you will make it wonderful.”

                “Sounds nice when you put it that way – but I don’t know if I’ll be any good at – you know, sex.”

                “You’ll be fine, Vi,” Kennedy promised her. “Trust your instincts.” She kissed Vi’s shoulder encouragingly.

                “What if I have bad instincts?”

                “Relax,” stated Kennedy firmly. “I’m still gonna love you in the morning no matter what happens.”

                “Love?” Vi’s eyes widened.

                “Have I not said that out loud yet?” Kennedy verified. “Yes…love. And that’s a lot more important than the sex.”

                “I know that.”

                “Really though,” continued the brunette. “Even if it’s not perfect – it will be wonderful. Just like the kissing. If it needs work, then we work on it together. Even if we’re completely terrible – and I don’t think we will be – but even then, I would still care about you. There’s no pressure, okay? Just relax and enjoy yourself.”

                Vi rolled onto her side, facing Kennedy.

                “I love you too,” she proclaimed, leaning in for a kiss. “I’ll work on the relaxing.”

                “That’s all I’m asking for.”

                Their lips met again.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Buffy stirred gently in the pre-dawn gloom. Her head was comfortably nestled against Willow’s chest though the witch’s arm, which had been cradling Buffy’s head, had now drifted off to the side. Quietly as she could, Buffy pushed herself up and got off the bed.

                Willow shifted slightly, but did not wake as Buffy opened the drawer in the nightstand. Finding what she was looking for, the Slayer extracted paper and pen and began writing out a note to her sleeping girlfriend. When she finished, she folded the note and placed it on the vacant pillow, softly kissing Willow’s forehead before she left.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Morning, lover,” Kennedy said warmly, snuggling up close to Vi as she woke. She draped an arm casually over the redhead’s thin frame.

                “Mmm,” Vi arched contentedly, “morning,” she replied.

                “I love you.” She kissed the back of Vi’s neck softly.

                “I love you too,” said Vi, rolling over to face the brunette. “What time is it?”

                “6:30,” Kennedy answered. “We’re gonna have to get ready soon.”

                “Yeah.” Vi sighed.

                “We’ll do this again though,” Kennedy pledged. “And again, and again, and again.”

                “It really was wonderful,” Vi agreed.

                “I told you so.” They kissed briefly.

                “We should probably get dressed, huh?” Vi observed.

                “Well, it would make a statement if we went out like this. Have I mentioned how beautiful you are?”

                “I think about a thousand times last night,” the redhead pointed out.

                “Well, it bears repeating,” decided Kennedy. “You’re beautiful, Vi.”

                “You’re beautiful too.” There was a pause. “I don’t wanna get up.”

                “I don’t either.” She stroked Vi’s cheek lovingly. “But Faith will probably kick the door down if we’re not downstairs soon.”

                “Good point.” Vi sat up slowly. “I can come back again tonight…right?”

                “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”

                “I’ll be here.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “So,” Andrew stood in the middle of the living room, addressing the assembled group as they prepared to assault the Bringers’ arsenal, “it turned out that all these stone tablets basically said the same thing. The First and Caleb are protecting something and – and we don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s something powerful and they don’t want the Slayers to get it. I’m thinking it could be a weapon and if we’re looking for an arsenal-”

                “You’re not coming,” Faith interrupted him, standing in the doorway.

                “If _one_ is looking for an Arsenal,” Andrew corrected, “what better place to find a-”

                “Weapon,” finished Faith. “Okay, got it, good. Good thinking, Andrew.”

                “It’s a pleasure, Faith,” said Andrew kindly. “Back to you.”

                “Okay.” Faith walked into the middle of the room, central to the group she was addressing. “I need you three to suss out the situation on B and Willow,” Faith said to Dawn, Xander, and Giles. “I don’t want you talkin’ to her or gettin’ in her way, or for that matter, letting her know you’re there. Just do a little recon.”

                “Where do you want me, Faith?” Robin questioned.

                “By your phone,” said Faith shortly. “I’ll call you when I need you.”

                “What are we looking for?” Dawn asked. “I mean, is there some reason we should spy on them?”

                “We’re just – making sure they’re okay,” Faith answered. “Those of you who are coming with me to the arsenal,” she continued, turning away from Dawn, “you know who you are. Everybody ready?” Determined nods answered her question. “Let’s do this thing.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Willow inhaled sharply as she awoke. Before even opening her eyes, she knew something was off. Mentally, she assessed the situation. She was sleeping on an unfamiliar bed, the bed she and Buffy had stolen along with a man’s house. It had gone from night to day, judging by the soft glow she detected from behind her eyelids. But something else had changed too. No warm body pressed against hers, no tired head resting on her chest…nothing at all to suggest Buffy was there.

                “Buffy?” Willow tried softly as she opened her eyes.

                The room was empty.

                “Buffy!” she called out, sitting up and looking around her blearily.

                Where had she gone?

                **_*Buffy.*_** Willow reached out with her thoughts.

                No answer.

                Just before the panic set in, Willow spotted the note on the pillow next to her.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 **Next Chapter** : End of Days


	17. End of Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Willow return to the fold.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 17** : End of Days  
 **Rating** : PG-13?  
 **Warnings** : If you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy and Willow return to the fold.

 **A/N** : Curiouser and curiouser.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 _Willow,  
First and foremost – I love you. Second, I know you love me too. Really and truly, don’t doubt that. We’re going on that date soon, tonight if we get the chance. I’m going to the vineyard. Don’t worry about me. I swear to God, if you worry about me, I’m gonna kick your ass when I get home. And I do mean home. Go home, Will. I’ll meet you there when I’ve gotten whatever Caleb’s protecting and we’ll figure out what happens next. Thank you for everything you said last night. And thank Spike too. Both of you really helped me. I know I can do this, so – just for good measure – DON’T WORRY. I love you and I’ll see you at home and also I love you.  
-Buffy_

                “Willow.” Spike’s voice drifted through the halls. “Thought I heard – where’s Buffy?” Stopping in the doorway, Spike looked suspiciously at the note in Willow’s hand.

                “She left,” Willow said tonelessly.

                “You let her go alone?” asked Spike incredulously.

                “Well, ‘let’ is a bit of a stretch,” the witch pointed out. “I was kind of asleep. Hence – you know, the note.” She waved the piece of paper in reminder.

                “Right.” Spike frowned thoughtfully.

                “She’ll be okay,” said Willow reassuringly. “And she says thanks – for the stuff you said last night.”

                “I thought your bit was better,” replied the vampire. “Passionate and all.”

                “Please,” Willow dismissed. “My stuff was just babble – what you said was really beautiful.”

                “You think so?”

                “Yeah,” Willow told him softly. “I think – you’re a hell of a man, Spike.”

                “Well, thanks for that,” said Spike with a smile. “You alright?”

                “I am,” she answered confidently, getting out of the bed. “I mean, I wish she could have told me to my face, but I get it.”

                “And you’re not worried about her?” Spike raised his eyebrows inquisitively.

                “Not really,” said Willow with a shrug. “She can take him. I’m more worried about…” Trailing off, she stared behind Spike’s shoulder.

                “What?” Spike turned to see a glowing orange ball of light drift into the room.

                “Finally!” Xander exclaimed as he followed the locator spell’s light.

                “Told you I did it right,” Dawn added smugly as she came in behind him. “Oh…so much for undercover,” she noted at the sight of Willow and Spike. “So, where’s Buffy?”

                “What, now you care?” said Willow dryly.

                “Will…” Xander said gently.

                “Willow,” the teen stared at her in confusion. “I-I didn’t mean to – hurt you.”

                “No, just Buffy then?” Willow snapped. “Well, gee, I feel so much better now.”

                “Will,” said Xander again, more firmly. “Look, we’re not here to fight.”

                “I think I missed something,” Spike commented. “I thought Faith was… Why are we so brassed off at Dawnie?”

                Willow huffed in reply.

                “Look,” Dawn insisted moodily, “I’m sorry that you don’t understand-”

                “Just leave it,” Willow sighed in exasperation.

                “Willow…”

                “If you try to justify it…just don’t,” instructed Willow flatly.

                “Will,” Xander tried a third time, “where is she?”

                “Doing what everyone else is too afraid to do,” Willow answered coldly. “Again.”

                “Oh God,” Xander offered sympathetically.

                “Did you expect anything less of her?” challenged Willow, heading for the door. “She’s coming back to the house when she’s done. We should be there.”

                “The house – as in not this house?” Xander verified.

                “That’s right,” Willow confirmed. “Spike, we’ll see you after sunset.”

                “Yeah,” said Spike, making himself comfortable on the bed.

                “Willow,” Dawn spoke up again. “Can’t we even-”

                “Dawn, I’m hurt,” said Willow tonelessly. “I’m hurt and I’m angry – and if we talk, then I’m gonna say hurt, angry things that I may or may not want to take back later. Just leave it, already.”

                “So…” Xander followed a few paces behind Willow, back out of the door Buffy had kicked down the previous night. Dawn walked quietly behind him. “We’re just – just headed home?”

                “That’s right,” Willow confirmed.

                “But – shouldn’t we be helping her? I mean, if she’s going up against Caleb-”

                “She can handle it, Xand,” responded Willow. “So, what about Faith?”

                “Puttin’ her own plan into action,” Xander answered. “We kidnapped a Bringer.”

                “Why?”

                “We made it talk,” Dawn supplied. “There was this old Turkish spell for talking to the dying.”

                “It told us they’re building an arsenal for the, uh, inevitable battle,” said Xander.

                “Let me get this straight,” Willow requested. “You guys trust a Bringer – witless pawn of the ultimate evil – more than you trust Buffy?”

                “Not the nicest way to put it,” Xander pointed out.

                “No meaner than ‘Oh, I’m trying to see your point, but it must be to my left’,” the witch retorted. “God, that was tactless.”

                “Tactless!” Xander protested. “It’s _my_ eye-”

                “That she feels responsible for!” Willow raged. “And then you go and throw it in her face like that. I get that you didn’t see her point, but that was just rude.”

                “I lose my eye and I can’t even make a joke about it now?” Xander demanded. “I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

                “I know that,” Willow pledged. “Really, I get it…” Her tone began to soften slightly. “I just thought you should know how she feels.”

                “Fine, I put my foot in my mouth,” Xander acknowledged. “What else is new?”

                “A Bringer,” Willow scoffed. “Is it so impossible to think that the _evil_ people might lie to you?”

                “It’s a Bringer, Will. Not exactly a master of subtlety and deceit.”

                “But The First is,” Willow explained. “Faith could be walking into a trap.”

                “Well, I’m thinkin’ Faith can probably handle herself too,” Xander reasoned. “One way or another, she’ll probably be back before we even get there.”

                “I hope you’re right.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “They’re back,” Anya called out, walking through the front door.

                “Faith?” Giles prompted.

                “Oh – no,” she corrected. “Xander and Dawn.”

                “Is Buffy with them?” the Watcher inquired.

                “Well – no,” Anya admitted.

                “Hey,” said Xander, walking in through the door Anya had left open.

                “Did you find Buffy?” questioned Giles.

                “No,” Xander informed him.

                “Not exactly,” Dawn qualified, entering behind Xander.

                “Hey,” Willow added as she came in and shut the door behind her.

                “Willow,” said Giles in a tone of surprise.

                “Mr. Giles,” she acknowledged him coldly.

                Giles looked to Xander in question.

                “Apparently Will’s doing the whole righteous anger thing,” Xander offered informatively.

                “Yes, well,” Giles mumbled awkwardly. “Um – how is Buffy?”

                “Fine,” Willow decided after a moment. “She’s gonna stop by later.”

                “Stop by,” said Giles, “or come back?”

                “Don’t know.” Willow shrugged and helped herself to some of the food the potentials had left on the table. “You guys raid a grocery store?”

                “I thought – I thought Andrew might like to be useful,” Giles answered.

                “I’ve been – keeping morale up,” Andrew supplemented. “Because that’s important.”

                “Yes,” Giles agreed. “I’m afraid Faith hasn’t returned with the other girls yet. It would seem something has gone wrong.”

                “We have to go to her.” Willow marched again to the front door.

                “Guess so,” said Xander, nodding sadly.

                “Yes,” Andrew cheered them on. “I’ll stay here – keep working on that morale thing.” He sipped his Capri-Sun pouch uncertainly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Look, Xand…” Willow began softly as Xander drove. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

                “Don’t worry about it,” he dismissed.

                “Really though,” continued Willow. “You were – you know, reasonable. I mean, I still think Buffy’s right, but – well, like I said, I’m sorry. It’d be stupid to let this come between us.”

                “You care about her,” Xander answered. “I get that.”

                “Guess you do,” Willow admitted.

                “We should be close to where they went in,” he informed her. “You wanna try the psychic thing?”

                “On it,” Willow assured him.

                **_*Faith.*_**

                “She’s not answering.”

                “Let’s not assume the worst,” said Xander nervously. “Maybe she’s just focused on something. Try Kennedy.”

                **_*Kennedy.*_**

                **_*Willow?*_** the potential Slayer responded after a moment. **_*What the hell?*_**

                “Got her,” said Willow. Xander sighed in relief.

                **_*Magic thing,*_** the witch explained. **_*Giles said you guys were supposed to be back by now. What’s going on?*_**

                **_*There was a bomb.*_**

                “A bomb,” said Willow aloud. Xander accelerated.

                **_*We’re coming. Me and Xander. Not a lot of room, but the ones in the worst shape…*_**

                **_*Faith’s out cold.*_**

                **_*Is she…?*_**

                **_*It’s bad. She has a pulse, but…*_** Kennedy didn’t finish the thought.

                **_*Where are you guys exactly?*_**

                **_*Almost out of the sewer tunnel. Tell Xander it’s where we came in.*_**

                “Where they went in, they’re almost there.”

                **_*Anything else we should watch for?*_**

                **_*Well, there were three Ubervamps.*_**

                **_*Were?*_**

                **_*Buffy took them out.*_**

                **_*Buffy’s with you? … Hang on.*_** Willow opened up her mind, allowing the conversation to carry between more people. **_*Buffy?*_**

                “What?” asked Xander next to her. “Buffy’s there too?”

                “Think it, Xand,” Willow instructed.

                **_*Willow, thank God,*_** came Buffy’s answer.

                **_*Whoa, this just got twice as freaky,*_** Kennedy commented.

                **_*Xander and I are coming,*_** Willow assured the Slayer. **_*Anyone who can’t walk can ride.*_**

                **_*So what’s the what?*_** asked Xander.

                **_*There was a bomb,*_** Kennedy informed him. **_*And then these three Ubervamps. And Buffy took them out like they were nothing.*_**

                **_*Guessing you found what you were looking for, then,*_** Willow noted, grinning smugly at Xander.

                **_*Big time,*_** Buffy replied. **_*We’re coming out of the tunnel now.*_**

                **_*I see you,*_** thought Willow as they neared their destination. A small gathering of girls awaited them, some supported between others and many bleeding freely.

                “…not a lot of room,” Buffy was saying to the group as Xander and Willow got out of the car. “That means just the worst. If you can still walk, you’re walking.”

                “Hey,” Willow offered gently as she walked up behind Buffy and placed a supportive hand on the Slayer’s shoulder.

                “Load ‘em up, girls,” she instructed.

                “Shiny new toy,” observed the witch as the potentials started moving.

                “Powerful too,” said Buffy, holding up the Scythe. “I can sense it.”

                “I always knew you’d leave me for something phallic,” Willow teased.

                “Hey,” Buffy spoke softly, “I’m sorry about that.”

                “No, it’s okay,” said Willow calmingly. “Really this time. Not even a tear. I mean, I get it. You really didn’t have to go alone, but…”

                “I wasn’t alone,” Buffy told her quietly. “You were with me – in my heart.”

                “You’re such a sap sometimes.”

                “Really though,” continued the Slayer. “You gave me strength.”

                “I guess I’m just amazing that way.”

                “Speaking of…”

                “Uh-oh.” Willow frowned slightly.

                “Any chance you can work some healing mojo?” Buffy requested, gesturing toward a group of girls easing Faith into the backseat.

                “I can try a couple of little things,” said Willow. “Maybe more at home with some supplies.”

                “Anything helps.”

                “Okay. Here goes.” Willow took a deep breath and extended her hand in the direction of the wounded Slayer. “Exsisto vigoratus quod exsisto universus.” There was a flash of pale light and then an ominous roaring sound. A second light flashed and Willow dropped to her knees, hair changing smoothly from red to black.

                “Will!” Buffy knelt beside her, taking the witch’s hand in her own.

                “I’m here,” Willow said forcefully. “It’s – it’s me.” And as she said it, her hair changed back just as quickly.

                “I’m sorry,” Buffy assured her quickly.

                “No, I’m fine,” Willow insisted.

                **_*It’s here,*_** she added in her thoughts. **_*It’s blocking me.*_**

                “Double time, girls,” Buffy called to the potentials, tightening her hold on the scythe.

                **_*It wants me afraid,*_** thought Willow.

                **_*Are you?*_**

                **_*Don’t let go of my hand.*_**

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “The only thing I know for sure is it made Caleb back off in a hurry.” Buffy addressed Willow and Giles, the latter of whom was examining the scythe.

                “So it’s true, scythe matters,” said Willow with a giggle.

                “And – ignoring that,” said Giles, “I’d just like to point out that this really is quite ingenious.” He began sparring with thin air.

                “Kills strong bodies three ways,” Buffy noted dryly.

                “And you say you sense something when you hold it?” Willow verified.

                “Not much, but it’s strong,” answered the Slayer. “And I knew it belonged to me… I just knew it.”

                “In addition to being ancient, it’s clearly mystical,” Giles said wisely.

                “Yeah, I figured that one out when I King-Arthur’ed it out of the stone,” Buffy replied.

                “So, maybe it’s like some kind of traditional Slayer weapon,” suggested Willow.

                “I can’t imagine how something like this could exist without my having heard of it,” Giles pondered.

                “Well, the good guys are not traditionally known for their communication skills,” Buffy reasoned sadly.

                “Right.” Giles sat on the bed carefully, trying not to disturb Faith’s recovery. “Um…any chance that it might be something other than a tool for killing things?”

                “The First’s guys clearly wanted it out of that stone,” said Buffy informatively. “It’s not just a tool. It’s important. We need to find out whatever we can. Who made it, when, why? Does it have a name? I don’t know,” she shrugged, “a credit report? Just find out fast.”

                “We’ll start work immediately,” Giles assured her.

                “Yeah, don’t worry, Buff,” Willow added. “We’ll find out everything there is to know.”

                “Good,” said Buffy, “because right now, that thing’s all we’ve got going for us. And hey,” she commented as Willow opened her laptop. “How does that thing work without electricity? All the power went out last night, didn’t it?”

                “I might be cheating a little,” Willow pointed out.

                “Not blocked anymore then?”

                “Don’t jinx it,” cautioned the witch.

                “Okay…” Buffy stood hesitantly for a moment. “Willow, before you-”

                “No.”

                “What?” questioned Buffy.

                “I know you, Buffy,” Willow explained. “I know what you wanna ask and the answer is no…for a lot of reasons.”

                “Give me one.”

                “I love you.”

                “Give me another.”

                “I can be more useful here. Ask Xander.”

                “Now give me the real reason.”

                “Perhaps I should – give you two a moment,” Giles suggested, setting the Scythe next to the bed and leaving in a hurry. “Willow, call me when we begin the research.”

                “Will, what is this?” Buffy asked her softly. “I need someone I can trust.”

                “I can’t, Buffy,” persisted Willow. “Please, just ask Xander to do it.”

                “You really do know what I’m asking for, right?” the Slayer verified. “I mean, I don’t wanna find out this is all about a miscommunication. I need you to take-”

                “Found this.” Quietly, she passed Buffy a note, a note that the Slayer had written.

                “Okay…” Buffy allowed.

                “Ask Xander.”

                “You’re stronger than he is,” Buffy said forcefully.

                “Buffy, please just listen to me when I tell you – _I can’t_.”

                “Tell me why…please.”

                “I don’t trust myself,” said Willow meekly, eyes starting to water. “If I – lost control – do you remember? When I was – with the – what I threatened to do to her…”

                There was a pause as they both reflected on Willow’s words.

                “Will, that’s not-”

                “Last night,” Willow interrupted. “When – i-it was just for a second – but – Buffy, I wanted to…” A tear slipped down her cheek, quickly followed by others.

                “But that was probably just-”

                “It wasn’t,” said Willow flatly, sniffling impatiently. “It wasn’t The First. It wasn’t the power… Buffy, it was me… And that’s why I can’t... I don’t know that I’d always be able to hold back. Especially without you there. I feel terrible – f-for even thinking it… but I thought it.”

                “Willow…” said Buffy blankly.

                “I’m so sorry,” she offered weakly.

                “No.” Buffy wrapped her arms around Willow as she sobbed. “Willow, you don’t have to feel sorry.”

                “Don’t dismiss this one, Buffy.”

                “You held back,” the Slayer replied. “You don’t have to feel sorry for thinking it.”

                “You would never think it. I shouldn’t – I – there was a time when I wouldn’t have. Before – everything…”

                “It’s okay,” Buffy whispered gently. “I love you, Will.” Heavier sobs met this statement. “I know.”

                “I wish I was – better than that.”

                “You are,” Buffy pledged. “It was an errant thought, Will. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

                “I’m sorry,” Willow repeated.

                “It – was – a – thought,” Buffy returned emphatically. “You were angry and you had an angry thought. There’s nothing wrong with that. I still trust you… But I won’t make you do this if you’re not comfortable with it.”

                “I’m sorry,” Willow softly responded. “Those other reasons are real too.”

                “Okay,” said Buffy kindly.

                “You can trust Xander too.”

                “I know,” Buffy vowed. “I trust you more – but I know he can do what needs to be done. You know I only asked because I trust you, right? … It’s not like you’re in my way. I do want you here, but I also want…”

                “I know.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Do you sense any of the power that Buffy spoke about?” Giles questioned. They had taken their research down to the dining room, not wanting to disturb Faith’s rest with their discussions. Willow stood perfectly still, holding the Scythe and trying to understand why Caleb feared it.

                “Gotta say no,” she admitted. “Must be a Slayer thing.”

                “Tapping into magicks might help with that,” suggested the Watcher.

                “Maybe,” said Willow reluctantly. “But, I mean, if Caleb’s afraid of this thing, it must be pretty dangerous. And tapping into that…” Carefully, she set the weapon down again.

                “Willow, you could do it without endangering yourself,” Giles reasoned.

                “If I tried something big, I’d change,” Willow insisted apprehensively. “And then it’s all black hair and veins and lightning bolts… I can hardly do a locator spell without getting dark roots.”

                “And if it was necessary?” prompted Giles.

                “Honestly? I don’t know.” She returned to her laptop.

                “Alright,” Giles sighed. “Do what you can. That’s all any of us can do.”

                “I guess so.” Willow echoed the sigh.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Thank God we’re hot chicks with superpowers,” Faith noted.

                “Takes the edge off,” Buffy agreed.

                “Comforting.”

                “Mm-hm,” added Buffy, nodding thoughtfully. “And, you know, I’ve got Willow.”

                “She takes the edge off too, huh?” Faith teased.

                “No – well, yeah,” admitted the blonde with a blush. “But more than that, she understands. I mean, she doesn’t actively bear the burden, but she gets it. It’s – it’s really wonderful.”

                “Well, bully for you,” Faith said with bravado.

                “You should try it,” Buffy told her quietly.

                “What, lesbianism?”

                “Letting someone in,” she clarified.

                “Ah, you know me.”

                “Yes, I do,” said Buffy pointedly. “You don’t have to take it – but that’s my advice.”

                Their eyes met meaningfully for a brief second and then they looked away as footsteps approached.

                “Hey,” said Willow warmly as she walked into the room.

                “Will.” Buffy smiled at the new arrival smiled and they kissed hello.

                “Got a lead,” announced the witch.

                “Great,” Buffy enthused.

                “Here.” Willow passed Buffy some scrap paper on which she had written directions to Buffy’s destination. “It’s a pagan temple – sort of a mausoleum from the sound of it. Something about a tomb on unconsecrated ground.”

                “I’m on the case,” Buffy pledged readily as she and Willow leaned in for another kiss. “And, maybe when we get back, we can go on that date…if you think you’re ready.”

                “I’d love to.”

                “Does that mean you want the bed back?” Faith asked them.

                “Only if you’re gonna wash the sheets first,” Buffy quipped.

                “Wash the – what?” asked Willow confusion.

                “She and Robin, uh – got bouncy.”

                “Ugh!” Willow glared at Faith. “We’re gone for one night and you try to claim our bed?”

                “Hey, it just happened,” said Faith, holding her hands out innocently. “You guys were gone. And Kennedy kicked me out so she could get busy with Vi.”

                “Oh my God,” said Buffy flatly. “Did everyone just turn into horny bunnies while we were gone?”

                “Got a problem?” Faith challenged.

                “Yes! I mean if I can’t have sex, then everyone else should just knock it off.”

                “That’s what I said,” Anya commented, striding casually into the room with bandages for Faith. “Right before Xander and I had sex on the kitchen floor.”

                “Ugh!” said Buffy and Willow together.

                “Right on!” Faith congratulated her with a smile.

                “Did someone just drop – alien – sex – pollen or something onto this house?” Buffy demanded.

                “You know, I think it’s getting to me too,” Willow said softly in the Slayer’s ear.

                “Faith, I want you out of my room by the time I get back,” Buffy commanded immediately. “Tell Kennedy she has to give you the bed.”

                “I’m healing,” Faith said dismissively as Anya changed her bandages. “I can take Red’s old sleeping bag.”

                “Just – don’t have sex in it,” said Willow.

                “You two really are quite prudish,” Anya told them. “Aren’t lesbians supposed to be very liberal-minded? You guys are just stifling the sex wherever you can. I mean, you sent Xander away-”

                “I didn’t send him away,” Buffy corrected indignantly. “I needed-”

                “And you’re moving Faith in with Kennedy, effectively stopping both of them from having sex.”

                “Kinda still in recovery,” said Faith bluntly. “And it’s not like I’m lookin’ to repeat with the Principal.”

                “Yes, you never were much for reflection, were you?” Anya said with a nod.

                “Could be reflection,” Willow allowed, “or it could be your run-of-the-mill Slayer intimacy issues.”

                “Hey!” said Faith and Buffy together.

                “Well,” Willow replied with an apologetic shrug. “You know, maybe that’s why Robin’s attracted to Slayers – because he never felt close to his mom.”

                “Finally,” Anya exclaimed. “I was wondering if anyone would ever mention his oedipal complex.”

                “Okay, this conversation has gone through too many kinds of weird,” Buffy announced.

                “I’ll second that,” decided Faith. “Go do your thing, B,” she added. “You want the room, I’ll clear out after the tact queen is done patchin’ me up.”

                “Thank you, Faith,” said Buffy fervently.

                “Hope Ken and Vi aren’t too pissed about it,” Faith mused.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Hey,” Vi mumbled as she entered Kennedy’s room.

                “I was starting to wonder if you were going to come,” noted Kennedy, lounging casually on the bed.

                “Kinda needed a big dinner,” said Vi, crossing to the bed and sitting on the edge.

                “So, how’s the arm?” Kennedy prompted.

                “Mr. Giles says it’s probably not broken, but… I’m not supposed to do anything – strenuous.”

                “Okay,” said Kennedy softly.

                “I guess there’s – not much reason for me to be up here.”

                “What do you mean?” Kennedy took Vi’s good hand in one of her own.

                “Well, we can’t have sex…”

                “So?” She kissed Vi’s hand affectionately.

                “I mean – don’t you want to?” Vi questioned.

                “Yes,” Kennedy pledged quietly. “But it’s not like we have to… Don’t you want to stay?”

                “I-I just – thought you might not want…”

                “I want you to stay, Vi,” Kennedy assured her. “It’s not like I’m going to start demanding sex every night.”

                “What if I demand it?” said Vi with a smile. “I mean – you know, after the arm.”

                “How about we both just ask for it,” suggested the brunette.

                “Sounds like a plan.” Vi pulled herself closer to Kennedy. “I just meant – I don’t want you to think I don’t want to.”

                “Remember that relaxing thing we talked about?”

                “Okay.” Vi smiled at her again.

                “I love you.”

                “Thanks,” said Vi warmly. “Oh – I mean, I love you too.”

                “Thanks,” Kennedy responded with a smirk. “Remember, you’re not my sex slave, you’re my girlfriend.”

                “What if I wanna be both?”

                “Well…” Kennedy put on a thoughtful expression. “Maybe we can work something out.” She leaned forward for a kiss.

                “God, I want you,” Vi panted breathily as their lips separated.

                “Well, if you want it that bad – we could try,” Kennedy offered. “I can be gentle.”

                “I know that,” answered Vi. “I’m more worried about – you know, uncontrollable flailing.”

                “Okay,” Kennedy allowed. “We can wait until you’re healed.”

                “I wish we healed as fast as Buffy and Faith,” Vi lamented.

                “I heard she’s awake now,” said Kennedy conversationally. “Faith, I mean.”

                “Yeah,” Vi confirmed. “Buffy said they were gonna talk about that axe thing last time I saw her.”

                “I’m glad she’s okay. Can you imagine what would happen if one of us got activated now?”

                “I don’t know if I’d mind,” Vi reasoned. “At least then I might be useful.”

                “What are you talking about? Vi, you’re great in a fight.”

                “Maybe against Bringers and vamps,” allowed the redhead, “but nothing like Buffy…”

                They both paused as someone knocked on the door.

                “Who is it?” Vi called out.

                “Faith,” the Slayer answered from the other side. “You guys decent?”

                “Yeah, we’re good,” Kennedy assured her. “And we’d probably lock the door if we were doing anything,” she added as Faith entered.

                “Right, guess I wasn’t thinking,” said Faith.

                “So…do you need something?” Kennedy asked.

                “Oh – moving in,” Faith informed them. “Orders from B. Where’s Red’s sleeping bag at?”

                “Um, the closet,” said Kennedy.

                “You can have the bed,” Vi offered. “I mean,” she turned to Kennedy, “she can, right?”

                “Yeah,” Kennedy agreed.

                “Wannabes, chill,” Faith said commandingly. “I got Slayer healing. Keep the bed.”

                “I wonder if I’ll ever get a normal roommate,” Kennedy pondered.

                “Not too likely,” said Vi, laying her head on Kennedy’s shoulder.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Honey, you’re home,” said Spike casually as he met Buffy walking through the front door.

                “Please don’t add ‘honey’ to your repertoire,” Buffy answered.

                “Right, sorry.” Spike sighed, shutting the door behind him. “Looks like you did it,” he noted, nodding at the Scythe in Buffy’s hand. “Fulfilled your mission. Found the Holy Grail. Or the Holy Hand Grenade, or whatever the hell it is.”

                “Right now, we’re going with Scythe,” Buffy informed him. “You like?”

                “Well, pointy and wooden is not exactly a look I wanna know better,” Spike commented as they walked into the kitchen, “but it does have flair. And, uh, about – last night – that stuff I said-”

                “Don’t you dare take it back,” cautioned the Slayer. “It meant a lot to me.”

                “Oh – well – good then,” the vampire decided. “Actually, not good,” he changed his mind. “What the hell does that mean?”

                “Does it have to mean something?” Buffy challenged. “You encouraged me and you care about me – I appreciate both of those things. It doesn’t have to mean anything – relationshipy. I care about you too.”

                “I think I actually prefer it if it doesn’t mean anything,” Spike reasoned. “The idea of – anything happening – it terrifies me,” he told her quietly. Buffy watched his face in silence. “If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that,” he added, pointing to the Scythe, “’cause I couldn’t bear it.”

                “I wouldn’t,” Buffy assured him. “Poke fun, that is. I care about you, Spike. Your support means a lot to me… It’s why you’re here.”

                “Don’t make a scene of it,” said Spike dismissively. “Back to business, alright.”

                “Okay,” Buffy allowed. “I’ve got work to do anyway.”

                “Big secret mission?” Spike questioned.

                “It’s not a secret,” said Buffy levelly. “Well, I mean, it is, but that’s the point of the mission. Find out the secret.” Holding up the Scythe again, she continued, “This thing was forged by – I don’t even know. I mean, something about – a tomb on unconsecrated ground. That’s what I have to do,” she stated bluntly. “I need to find out what this is and why I have it. This may actually help me fight my war. This could be the key to everything.”

                “And that’s the thing the preacher man was so anxious to keep out of your mitts?” Spike verified.

                “That it is,” said Buffy.

                “Well, maybe I’ll swing by the vineyard when you go,” suggested the vampire, “make sure he’s sitting tight.”

                “Great.”

                “Okay,” said Spike, turning to leave. “We’ll go be heroes.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “I was kind of hoping it’d go this way,” taunted Caleb. He reared back with the Scythe, eyes locked on Buffy’s neck.

                “Hey!” a male voice called out.

                Caleb turned and caught a fist in his face. Looking up, Buffy saw Angel standing there with a large grin on his face as he surveyed the Slayer. He held out a hand and helped her to her feet.

                “I was never much for preachers,” Angel mused.

                “Angel,” Buffy said blankly, unsure of what his sudden appearance could mean.

                “You look good,” he noted.

                “You look timely,” she told him. “And also good.”

                “Heard maybe you needed a hand,” said Angel as Caleb got to his feet. Buffy held out a hand to stop the vampire. “Ah, one of those things you need to finish yourself,” he verified.

                “Really kinda is,” said Buffy plainly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Willow sat on Buffy’s bed with her laptop, browsing casually in search of further information about the Scythe, but so far finding nothing.

                “Hey,” said a wonderfully familiar voice in the doorway.

                “Buffy,” Willow exclaimed, looking up in surprise. “That was quick.”

                “I guess I’m just amazing like that,” the Slayer teased.

                “So…how’d it go?” prompted the witch.

                “Actually – I need you to come with me,” admitted the Slayer hesitantly. “There’s something I need you to take a look at.”

                “Okay.” Willow shut her laptop and stood readily. “Is it something in the hieroglyphs? Should I get Giles too?”

                “No,” Buffy said quickly. “It’s more of a – I’m gonna need you to work some mojo.”

                “Oh…” Willow’s face fell into a frown.

                “Damn it, Will!” the Slayer ranted. “Now is not the time for – for uncertainties. Are you ever gonna make yourself useful to me?”

                “Buffy…” Willow said softly. She reached for the Slayer’s hand, but she turned away, refusing to even look at the witch. “I’m sorry,” Willow half-whispered.

                “I need people who can help me win this fight,” said Buffy coldly. “Why do you think Spike’s here?”

                “I’ll help however I can,” Willow assured her. “I just – I’m sorry,” she said again.

                “I get that you’re scared,” Buffy replied. “And you should be. Do you think I like watching you turn into black-eyed baddie? It tears me apart to see that the power is bigger than you are.”

                “No,” Willow countered. “Buffy, it’s not like that.” She reached forward to place a hand on the Slayer’s shoulder.

                “Damn,” said The First as Willow’s hand passed through the image.

                “Oh, that’s nice,” Willow fumed sarcastically, returning to the bed and opening her laptop.

                “Don’t you wanna know why I’m here?” The First demanded.

                “If you didn’t bring any corporeal friends, I really don’t care,” said Willow, yawning dramatically.

                “Don’t you wanna know where Buffy is?”

                “Probably killing some of your corporeal friends.”

                “Don’t you wanna know who she’s with?” The First offered. “Who she’s snuggling up to? Sating that post-battle itch.”

                “I seem to recall a time when you were good at this,” Willow pointed out. “Is that the best you can come up with?”

                “She’s with Angel,” said The First, undeterred by the witch’s quips. “Breezed into town in his shining armor. And she’s – thanking him.”

                “Yeah?” Willow looked up again. “Well, he could use a good lay,” she reasoned.

                “Come on, wicked witch,” The First teased, “tell me you’re not a little bit curious.”

                “Guess that’s something you and Angel have in common,” Willow noted. “Not getting any action.”

                “I know you’re afraid of me.”

                “Witness me tremble.”

                “You know she’ll ask for it – the magic,” said The First ominously. “Even her new toy won’t topple my armies and she’ll ask you to be her most powerful weapon. And you’ll cave. All I have to do is wait for an opening and then I’m with you, strawberry.”

                “Is it possible that you’ll talk yourself to death?” Willow questioned. “Is that the trick to winning? ‘Cause I could do this all night.”

                “You put up a nice front,” The First complimented. “But I think you’re afraid of me.”

                “I think you’re afraid of me,” Willow retorted. “Should we go into why that is?”

                “By all means, bring the light show,” said The First smugly. “Say your magic words and see if they hurt me. It doesn’t matter how hard you fight me, how many weapons you bring to the battle, I am the only thing that will endure.”

                And it disappeared in a blink of light.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “See?” said Buffy, surveying the fallen preacher with distaste. “Under control.”

                “Well,” Angel replied, “at least you could tell me you’re glad to see me.”

                They walked toward each other and Buffy embraced him warmly, resting her head against his broad chest. Angel looked momentarily disappointed, but corrected his facial expression before Buffy could look up at him.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Buffy!” A loud voice called up the stairs. A voice that shouldn’t be in the house.

                “Dawn,” Willow exclaimed as the teen burst into the room. “Hi,” offered the witch uncertainly.

                “Where’s Buffy?” asked Dawn heatedly.

                “Out,” said Willow, shutting her laptop again and standing. “You can wait here if you want.”

                “I’ll wait downstairs,” Dawn answered, turning.

                “Dawn.” They both held their place, feeling the tension in the room. “I-I’m glad you’re back,” Willow told her quietly.

                “Really?” Dawn questioned flatly.

                “Really… I – I never got to tell you I’m sorry.”

                “Oh,” said Dawn shortly.

                “I was – really rude to you this morning – and I’m sorry.”

                “I, um, I’m sorry I hurt you,” Dawn returned.

                “I…” Willow placed a hand on the teen’s shoulder. “I love you, Dawnie.”

                Dawn turned back again and they hugged.

                “I love you too,” Dawn assured her before they pulled apart. “And pretending nothing happened in three, two, one,” she continued briskly. “So when’s Buffy getting home?”

                “Not sure,” Willow admitted. “And how’d you talk Xander into bringing you back?”

                “Um… Well, that was a nice chat,” Dawn decided. “I’m just gonna…” She gestured vaguely toward the door before fleeing from the room.

                “Dawn!” Willow called after her.

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 **Next Chapter** : Chosen


	18. Chosen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Willow come up with a plan for victory.

**Title** : Closer to the Heart  
 **Chapter 18** : Chosen  
 **Rating** : NC-17  
 **Warnings** : Explicit femslash. Other than that, if you’re not offended by the episode, you shouldn’t be offended by this fic.  
 **Summary** : Buffy and Willow come up with a plan for victory.

 **A/N** : It’s been a hell of a run. Enjoy the final installment.

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                “Well,” Angel said thoughtfully, “I guess that qualifies as ‘happy to see me.’” He still seemed a little put off by the hug, but his frown was hardly distinguishable from his typical brooding face. Buffy pulled back and smiled at him encouragingly.

                “Angel, what are you doing here?” she asked him.

                “Not saving the damsel in distress, that’s for sure.”

                “Oh, you know me,” said Buffy casually as she picked up the Scythe. “Not much with the damseling.”

                “Got your share of distress though,” Angel commented as he walked over to the wall.

                “You heard?”

                “I got coverage on the whole thing,” Angel informed her as he picked up a file folder. “It’s very gripping. It needs a third act.”

                “You have to leave L.A.,” said Buffy, shaking her head.

                “It’s The First, right?” Angel verified. “The First Evil. The power that tried to convince me to kill myself.”

                “Yeah,” Buffy confirmed. “It’s gotten a little more ambitious since then. It’s raising an army.”

                “Yeah, well, it failed once and I’m here to tell you-”

                Angel’s sentence was cut short as he was hit with a large statue, brandished by Caleb. The vampire slid across the floor, reeling from the blow. Caleb set his sights on Buffy, black blood streaming from his eyes and nose.

                “Are you ready to finish this,” he demanded thickly, “bitch?”

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                “So you’re gonna be with me in this?” Buffy asked, eyes still locked on the obnoxiously large amulet in Angel’s hand.

                “Shoulder to shoulder,” the vampire pledged. “I’m yours.”

                “No.”

                “No, what?” Angel questioned in confusion.

                “No, you’re not gonna be in this fight,” Buffy said flatly, turning to walk away.

                “Why the hell not?” demanded Angel.

                “’Cause I can’t risk you,” said Buffy impatiently.

                “You need me in this,” he countered.

                “No, I need you gone,” Buffy insisted.

                “Why?”

                They stared at each other for a tense moment.

                “If I lose,” Buffy began, “if this thing gets past Sunnydale, then it’s days – maybe hours – before the rest of the world goes. I need a second front and I need you to run it.”

                “Okay…” Angel crossed his arms stiffly. “That’s one reason. What’s the other?”

                “There is no other,” Buffy said shortly, leaving the tomb.

                Angel followed her readily.

                “Is it Willow?” Angel questioned. Buffy stopped and turned to face him again. “There’s something you’re not telling me,” he continued. “And you two smell too much like each other.”

                “You vampires,” said Buffy, shaking her head. “Did anybody ever tell you the whole smelling people thing’s a little gross? …Or awkward?”

                “Awkward?”

                “Never mind.” Buffy turned to walk away again.

                “Is she your girlfriend?”

                “Is that your business?” asked Buffy hotly.

                “You in love with her?” he pressed. Buffy sighed. “Okay,” Angel allowed, “maybe I’m outta line, but this is kind of a curve ball for me. I mean, we are talking about Willow?”

                “Why does that surprise you?” the Slayer inquired.

                “Unless I missed something – she’s still a woman, right?”

                “You mean you never noticed me checking out girls?” said Buffy. “I mean, I guess I was usually focused on you, but – really?”

                “Maybe sometimes, but – I didn’t really think… There was a time – I might’ve thought Faith – but not… So, all that time, you were…?”

                “Bi,” Buffy informed him, earning a sigh of relief.

                “And you don’t want me here because…?”

                “Do we have to do this?” Buffy sighed. “I’m already at my quota on lovesick vampires.”

                “Vampires?” Angel picked out the word, sniffing the air. “Spike?”

                “Actually, he’s probably less lovesick than you,” Buffy decided. “Or at least he’s less vocal about it.”

                “Why do you even keep him around?”

                “He has a soul now,” offered Buffy.

                “Oh.” Angel’s frown pulled lower. “Well.”

                “What?”

                “That’s great,” Angel mumbled to himself. “Everyone’s got a soul now.”

                “He’ll make a difference,” Buffy defended.

                “You know, I started it,” Angel pointed out. “The whole having a soul. Before it was all the cool new thing.”

                “Oh, my God. Are you twelve?” challenged Buffy.

                “I’m getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide,” Angel argued. “It doesn’t exactly bring out the champion in me.”

                “Getting the brush off? I don’t think it’s Spike that brings out your bad side,” the Slayer countered. “I think it’s me.”

                “Buffy…”

                “Look at yourself,” she insisted. “Is this the same guy who defends L.A.? Tell me – honestly…can you keep your eye on the big picture with me around?”

                “Can you?”

                “Yes.”

                “Why?”

                “Because…” Buffy hesitated. “Angel – I respect you and I care about you – but I don’t love you. Not anymore.”

                “Anymore?” said Angel quietly.

                “I did – then. I loved you with everything I had,” she vowed, leaning against a tombstone. “And you know what? That blew up in my face.”

                “Buffy…”

                “It’s not your fault,” she assured him. “Not my fault. It took me a while to figure that out.” Allowing a heavy sigh, she continued, “I always feared there was something wrong with me, you know, because I couldn’t make it work. But maybe I wasn’t supposed to.”

                “Because of being the Slayer?”

                “Because – okay, I was cookie dough,” she tried to explain. “I wasn’t done baking. I wasn’t finished becoming who I am.”

                “And are you – cookies or…” he frowned in thought. “Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?”

                “I think I’m done baking,” Buffy told him plainly. “Willow kinda turned up the heat. I understand myself a lot better now.”

                “And she gets to eat – um – enjoy…”

                “Warm, delicious cookie me?” Buffy suggested. “Yeah, she does.”

                “And where does Spike fit in?”

                “Nowhere near the cookie jar,” said Buffy reassuringly. “I mean – I care about him – love him even, in a friendly way. And – in that sense – I love you too. But it would be rude to string you along.”

                “But it’s okay for Spike?”

                “He knows what’s what. That’s why he gets to stay,” she explained. “Can you love me without wanting me?”

                Angel passed her the amulet silently.

                “I’ll go start working on that second front,” he said tonelessly. “Make sure I don’t have to use it.” Quietly, he walked away.

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                “How you feeling?” Willow asked Xander gently. The carpenter was seated in a dining room chair while Anya massaged his shoulders.

                “Like someone tazered me in the neck,” said Xander dryly.

                “She’s out of control,” Anya said, nodding sagely. “We should get her on that show. The one with that man who yells at dysfunctional families.”

                “I think that’s at least three shows,” Willow pointed out.

                “And we are slightly preoccupied right now,” added Giles. “I think going on a talk show might actually accelerate the end of the world.”

                “That does sound like a workable topic though,” Xander reasoned. “‘I’m being raised by my sister and her girlfriend and I’m out of control.’”

                “I think they did that one last week,” said Willow with a grin.

                The front door opened and Spike walked in.

                “Hey,” Willow called out to him.

                “Uh, hey,” the vampire responded, looking up at the stairs as Dawn hurried down.

                “Oh,” the teen’s face fell at the sight of him. “I thought you might be Buffy.”

                “Right, well – I’ll be downstairs if – well, I’ll be downstairs.” He turned and walked off.

                Dawn folded her arms and stared at the door impatiently.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                **_*How’s my wicked witch?*_** Buffy thought as she stepped onto the front porch.

                **_*You’re home?*_** Willow thought back. **_*Buffy, there’s something you should-*_** She stopped at the sound of the front door opening.

                Buffy stared at her sister for a moment before receiving a kick to the shin.

                “Ow,” the Slayer articulated.

                “Dumbass,” said Dawn coldly.

                Looking over at the group in the dining room, Buffy gave Xander a questioning look.

                “Don’t look at me,” he defended. “This is a Summers’ thing. It’s all very violent.”

                Returning her gaze to Dawn, Buffy said, “If you get killed, I’m telling,” and then walked into the dining room.

                “Did you find out anything about the Scythe?” Willow asked her.

                “It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher,” Buffy informed the group.

                “Caleb?” Giles questioned.

                “I cut him in half.”

                “All right!” Willow congratulated.

                “He had that coming,” said Anya with a nod.

                “Hey, party in my eye socket and everyone’s invited,” Xander added cheerfully, earning awkward looks from the group. “Sometimes I shouldn’t say words.”

                “Will?” Buffy requested, jerking head toward the stairs behind her.

                “Okay,” Willow said softly, crossing the room. She took the Slayer’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “You wanna go first?” Willow offered as they sat down on the edge of the bed.

                “You have to go?” asked Buffy. “Did something happen?”

                “Nothing pressing,” said Willow reassuringly. “Well, there’s the Dawn part, but you kinda already found that out.”

                “Angel stopped by,” Buffy told her bluntly.

                “Wow, really?” Willow raised her eyebrows. “I thought there might be some truth to that.”

                “What?” Buffy requested in complete confusion.

                “The First paid me a visit,” Willow answered informatively. “It looked like – you. And it tried to get me to go to the tomb. I think it wanted me to see you two together.”

                “It looked like me? That’s just rude.”

                “So – what did Angel want?”

                “He wanted in on the fight,” replied Buffy.

                “Where is he then?”

                “On his way back to L.A.,” said Buffy shortly. “Working on the second front.”

                “Okay – I’m confused.”

                “He’s not the fighter he needs to be when he’s around me.”

                “And – and you?”

                “I can fight around him,” Buffy assured her. “You – you know I don’t love him anymore, right?”

                “I believe you,” said the witch quietly.

                “I – Willow, I need to take something back,” said the Slayer suddenly.

                “Huh?”

                “Before – before we even got together – I said – some words. I-I kinda need to eat those words.”

                “Sometimes you reach too far for your metaphors,” Willow pointed out.

                “Willow, I love you more.”

                “Oh…” Willow sighed softly in realization.

                “When – that time when we were all arguing about killing Anya – I said that I loved Angel more than I would ever love anything… That was then. This is now.” Leaning in, she kissed Willow deeply. “Willow, I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved.”

                “I love you too,” Willow whispered, eyes watering slightly. “I-I wish I could say more than... I can only offer the same.”

                “It’s more than enough,” Buffy pledged. “You had the real deal with Tara. If I can give you that again then I’m happy.”

                “You don’t think it was real with Angel?” Willow questioned doubtfully.

                “It was real, but – it wasn’t complete. I wasn’t complete,” Buffy clarified. “I was trying to explain it to Angel. There was a metaphor… I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about us – me and you. All those times it could’ve happened for us and it didn’t. I used to feel like it was wasted time, but – I don’t think we were ready for each other. But we are now.”

                “I’m glad,” said Willow warmly.

                “This – me and you – it’s right… You’re right for me.”

                “You’re right for me too, Buffy,” vowed Willow. “I feel the same way you do. I want to show you that.”

                “Just give me a few minutes,” said Buffy, standing.

                “What?”

                “Angel,” Buffy reached into her pocket, “gave me this,” she said as she pulled out the amulet. “It’s supposed to have some kind of power – and possibly scrubbing bubbles.”

                “Cleansing power,” Willow suggested.

                “Angel – wanted to wear it. It’s meant for someone with a soul, but more than human.”

                “You’re thinking – Spike, right?”

                “It could be dangerous – volatile. I’m gonna talk to him though. See if he’s willing to take the risk…”

                “I’ll be here when you’re done,” Willow told her.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Spike was pummeling the punching bag that hung in the basement as Buffy walked in.

                “So…where’s tall, dark and forehead?” he prompted.

                “Let me guess,” said Buffy with a roll of her eyes. “You can smell him?”

                “Yeah, that and I also used my enhanced vampire eyeballs to watch you two snuggling.”

                “It was – a hello,” Buffy decided. “Besides, he’s gone.”

                “Oh, just popped by for a quickie, then?” Spike quipped.

                “Good,” said Buffy, tone dripping with sarcasm. “Good. I haven’t had quite enough jealous vampire crap for one night.”

                “He wears lifts, you know,” said Spike quickly.

                Looking over at the punching bag, Buffy saw a poorly drawn vampire with dark, spiky hair and a large forehead.

                “You know,” said Buffy, “one of these days I’m just gonna put you two in a room and let you wrestle it out.”

                “No problem at this end.”

                “There could be oil of some kind involved,” she added thoughtfully.

                “Where’s the trinket?” Spike asked, stepping closer to the Slayer.

                “The who-ket?”

                “The pretty necklace your sweetie-bear gave you. The one-”

                “Don’t do that!” Buffy commanded. “If you’re gonna revert to the same crap he’s pulling, then you can leave too.”

                They stared at each other boldly for a moment.

                “I’m sorry,” Spike said quietly, shoulders slumping. “It’s not really – I mean, I know you don’t want him any more than you want me.”

                “Then what is it?” Buffy questioned.

                “Jealousy,” he admitted gently.

                “And do you feel entitled to that?”

                “Not-” Spike started hotly, but took a breath. “I don’t envy him the snuggle time. It’s – are you really gonna make me say it?”

                “You want this?” Buffy pulled out the amulet.

                “Reckon it’s mine now,” Spike reasoned.

                “How do you figure?” asked Buffy levelly.

                “Someone with a soul, but more than human,” Spike pointed out. “Angel meant to wear it; that means I’m the qualified party.” He extended a hand.

                “It’s volatile,” Buffy cautioned. “We don’t know-”

                “You’ll be needing someone strong to bear it then,” the vampire interrupted.”You planning on giving it to Andrew?”

                Buffy looked from the amulet to Spike.

                “Angel said the amulet was meant to be worn by a champion,” she told him. At this he looked down, crestfallen, but Buffy stepped forward and placed the large crystal in his hand.

                “Been called a lot of things in my time…” said Spike briefly.

                “You’re a great man, Spike. Don’t ever forget that.”

                She turned silently and left.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Before we start,” said Willow as she and Buffy grasped each other’s hands, “I wanna tell you some stuff.”

                “What is it, Will?” asked Buffy kindly.

                “It’s about w-when I was – last year… When I killed Warren.” Their eyes locked meaningfully. “Buffy, I…well, I know you guys put it down to the power.”

                “It’s okay,” said Buffy softly.

                “I was in control,” Willow confessed quietly. “When I killed Warren, I was still in control.”

                “It’s okay,” Buffy repeated. “I mean – i-it’s not high on my list of problem-solving strategies, but… Willow, I wouldn’t judge you for that.”

                “I don’t think I want it to be okay, Buffy,” Willow told her quietly.

                “Well, in – in some ways it’s not. It’s not okay in the way that I approve or anything. I just meant – I love you anyway. I think it was a huge mistake – but I’m not exactly mourning Warren – and I love you anyway.”

                “There – there’s a part of me…”

                “That doesn’t want it,” Buffy supplied. “I know. I feel that sometimes too.”

                “You don’t need to though. Buffy…”

                “Willow, I’ve killed people too,” the Slayer pointed out.

                “What, Ted and Katrina? Buffy, that’s hardly-”

                “You’re forgetting some,” said Buffy. “You were there with me – both times.”

                “Both? Buffy, I can’t even remember one.”

                “There was – God, I can’t even remember his name…” She sighed sadly. “He was a zookeeper.”

                “Okay, technically, the hyenas killed him,” said Willow levelly, “but I can see where you’re coming from.”

                “And the Knights of Byzantium.”

                “Oh…”

                “Ten of them, according to that guy I talked to.”

                “A-at least it was – you know, in the line of duty. And – I love you anyway.”

                “I’m surprised everyone forgets those,” said Buffy, shaking her head pensively. “I don’t forget any of them, even the ones that aren’t really – I mean, I even feel responsible for…” She looked timidly into Willow’s eyes.

                “No,” said Willow flatly.

                “Willow, he was there for me…”

                “And that’s _his_ fault, Buffy,” Willow countered. “You don’t get to blame yourself for Tara.”

                “Willow…”

                “If anybody has the right to blame you for Tara, it’s me. And I don’t blame you. I flayed the responsible party.”

                They both fell silent, staring into each other’s eyes again.

                “So…” said Buffy after a moment, “y-you said you were still in control then. What about after?”

                “I stepped out of the way,” Willow divulged. “I don’t know if – if I could have kept it under control, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted it to stop. So I let the power have me…”

                “I still love you,” Buffy said by way of an answer.

                “I wanted you to know – before you go into my head… I didn’t want you to think I was keeping it from you or anything. It’s just hard to think about.”

                “I know.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Whoa, doors,” said Buffy in surprise. “I don’t remember doors in mine.”

                “It’s just a visual manifestation,” Willow reminded her.

                “Still – mine didn’t have doors. Or labels.”

                “I try to keep stuff organized,” Willow explained. “More or less anyway. Some of them kind of bleed together.”

                “You’ve been here?” Buffy commented.

                “I kind of live here,” Willow stated.

                “No, but I mean – you’ve been in the visual manifestation thing.”

                “Yeah. It’s – sort of therapeutic sometimes.”

                “So, should I just – I mean, can I…?” Buffy trailed off uncertainly.

                “Pick a door.”

                “Can I pick this door?”

                “You can pick any door.”

                “What about this one?”

                “Any of them,” Willow said firmly. “Buffy, I trust you with everything.”

                “I’m – really nervous about this, Will.”

                “You don’t have to be nervous with me, Buffy. You’re perfectly welcome here. Pick a door.”

                “Okay.” Buffy exhaled heavily. “If I pick something you’d rather not…you can tell me.”

                “Nothing’s off limits, Buffy.”

                “So…can I go in here?”

                “Yes.”

                “Did you even read the label?”

                “I know where everything is. I’m okay with it. Are you sure you want to though?”

                “I know that – that she’s important to you. She was and is a big part of who you are. I want – I want to – feel that part of you.”

                “Okay.”

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                “Wow, that was – wait, what’s this?” Buffy questioned in confusion.

                “I told you some of them bleed together,” Willow reminded her.

                “Yeah, but – but this room. I-I kind of figured this one would be untouchable.”

                “It was for a long time… There was one other room – and now there are two.”

                “So which one are we going to?”

                “We can turn around if you want, go back to the labels…or we can keep going.”

                “I think – let’s go back. Uncertainty isn’t really gonna help me right now.”

                “Okay. And…you’re okay with – with my feelings about Tara?”

                “Of course I am,” Buffy assured her. “I wouldn’t expect you to just forget her.”

                “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much.”

                “I believe you.”

                “So, where next?”

                “Maybe we – whoa,” said Buffy suddenly. “Is – is that – why is there another me roaming around here?”

                “I think about you a lot, Buffy,” Willow explained. “I’m thinking she goes – you go – to a lot of these rooms.”

                “Where’s she going now?”

                “That one – oh…that’s the naughty room.”

                “You call it the naughty room?”

                “She’s probably trying out the ice cream machine.”

                “That sounds tempting…but maybe another time. I mean, could we though?”

                “You’re the one who didn’t want to use the Doublemeat Palace.”

                “No – I meant…this is probably gonna sound weird…”

                “Oh…” said Willow softly, understanding Buffy’s meaning. “Yeah, we could.”

                “God, that would be hot.”

                “I agree completely. Your place or mine?”

                “Both. Whichever. You can pick… Anyway, we’re getting sidetracked. This trip is for – for educational purposes.”

                “Yes,” Willow agreed. “Education…which sometimes turns me on.”

                “Find me a boring room,” Buffy requested. “Or at least something unconnected to sex. Ooh, charts and graphs. That sounds safe.”

                “Well, relatively safe.”

                “Relatively?”

                “There’s some stuff about sex in there, but – you know, charts…”

                “You have charts about sex?”

                “Adding some figures to them right now.”

                “I love your nerdy brain,” Buffy praised.

                “I think you’ll like charts and graphs. There’s some pretty interesting stuff in there.”

                “Let’s check it out then… Whoa. That’s a big board.”

                “’S why it’s called the big board.”

                “Clever… So…”

                “It’s a Venn diagram.”

                “That’s a lot of circles.”

                “Look at the title,” Willow instructed.

                “If it says ‘a lot of circles’, I’m going to another room.”

                “Look at it, Buffy.”

                “Oh…I get it.”

                “That’s why there are so many circles.”

                “Love…” said Buffy softly.

                “There’s Xander, there’s Dawn. Giles is over here. And there’s my mom and dad.”

                “You have a circle for Spike?”

                “Yeah, it’s been there for a while. It’s gotten bigger recently.”

                “It’s a little surprising.”

                “There are lots of different kinds of love,” Willow pointed out.

                “I know that. I just didn’t expect you to…I mean, I knew I loved him, but – hey this one says…”

                “Loving yourself is important too.”

                “But isn’t it overlapping with…I mean, that little sliver there is romantic love, right?”

                “It was that vampire’s fault,” Willow defended. “She got me all curious… Oh come on, like you wouldn’t. Didn’t it cross your mind at all when Spike had that robot built?”

                “Sorry,” Buffy offered, “doesn’t really appeal to me.”

                “Oh, I’m a freak,” said Willow sadly.

                “Yeah, but I love that about you. And let’s not forget my own freak-ish tendencies.”

                “Oh God, I just had a really – freaky idea.”

                “Oh God, now I’m having it.”

                “Are you sure?”

                “I think so.”

                “We could,” Willow hesitated. “I mean, we could probably swing that in here…”

                “I’m both enticed and terrified.”

                “I know what you mean.”

                “So, back to the circles,” said Buffy quickly. “This – this is Tara… This really, really big one in the middle of everything…”

                “Buffy, that’s two,” Willow corrected her.

                “Huh?”

                “They’re overlapping. Almost completely. But if you look hard, there’s this little sliver where they’re different because – well, they’re different people. But it’s the same feeling. If – if you touch the circle…”

                “Two,” Buffy said gently. “A-and the other…”

                “You know who it is.”

                Buffy inhaled sharply, releasing Willow’s hands.

                Willow blinked slowly, momentarily disoriented as Buffy’s bedroom came into focus.

                “Are you okay?” asked the witch, reaching for Buffy’s face.

                “I – I – when did I start crying?” Buffy asked in confusion as Willow brushed the tears away. “That was – that was intense,” she stammered in the wake of her emotions. “I mean, I believed you when you said it… But feeling it like that.”

                “Oh,” Willow sighed in relief. “I thought maybe…”

                “Happy tears, I promise,” said Buffy reassuringly. “I love you, Willow.”

                “I love you too.”

                “I know.”

                “Buffy,” Willow said quietly as she and Buffy leaned on each other’s shoulders, “I’m worried.”

                “What about?” the Slayer prompted gently.

                “Tara,” Willow explained. “I need you to understand.”

                “I think I do,” said Buffy plainly.

                “It’s not like – like I settled or anything.”

                “I know that,” said Buffy fervently, pulling back to look Willow in the eyes. “You’re worrying way too much here, Will.”

                “And even though – I mean, there’s more than just love to think about. The big board isn’t the only thing in the charts and graphs room. All those file cabinets. There are other graphs – important graphs. Ooh, like the graph of importance. Oh, I really should’ve had you look at that one first. Because – yeah, I still love Tara and part of me always will, but – you’re the most important person in my life, Buffy.”

                “Willow,” Buffy said resolutely, taking the witch’s face between her hands, “calm down.”

                “Buffy…”

                They stared at each other for a silent moment.

                “I get it,” said Buffy forcefully. “I understand. Do you wanna go in my head and see how okay I am with this?”

                “Buffy, it has to bother you a little,” Willow reasoned.

                “What matters to me is that I make you as happy as you make me,” Buffy replied, one hand dropping to Willow’s shoulder.

                “You do,” vowed Willow. “Really, you do.”

                “I believe you, Will. That’s what’s important here. I mean, I love going into your head, but I trust you even without that.”

                “Okay,” Willow said softly as Buffy’s thumb stroked her cheek. “I just – you were so curious about all the Tara stuff.”

                “Yeah, I was,” Buffy agreed. “I told you, this was an educational experience for me. It wasn’t about – comparing or anything like that. I just wanted to – learn, I guess. I’m having trouble putting it into words.”

                “You seemed pretty nervous about her circle…”

                “That’s because – it probably sounds greedy, but I couldn’t find my circle,” said Buffy.

                “I don’t think that’s greedy,” said Willow reassuringly. “I’m actually surprised you didn’t want to go straight to the Buffy room. I mean…that’s the one I wanted to show you more than anything.”

                “Well, if you want,” Buffy suggested, “the night’s still young.”

                “You want to?” Willow verified.

                “I’d love to.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Hours later, in the gloom of night, Buffy stirred restlessly. She was quiet as she left the bed, crossing to stare out of her window at the night sky.

                “Pretty, ain’t it?” said the voice of Caleb.

                Buffy glanced at the apparition.

                “You’re not him,” she noted.

                “No, you killed him right and proper,” The First admitted. “Terrible loss. This man was my good right arm. ‘Course, it don’t pain me too much. Don’t need an arm. Got an army.”

                “An army of vampires,” said Buffy. “However will I fight-”

                “Every day our numbers swell,” The First continued, undeterred. “But then you do have an army of your own. Some thirty-odd pimply-faced girls, don’t know the pointy end of a stake.” It feigned a look of concern. “Maybe I should call this off.”

                “Have you ever considered a cool name?” Buffy asked casually. “I mean, since you’re incorporeal and basically powerless… How about ‘The Taunter?’ Strikes fear in the heart-”

                “I will overrun this earth,” The First interrupted her again. “And when my army outnumbers the humans on this earth, the scales will tip and I will be made flesh.”

                “Talk on,” Buffy encouraged. “I’m not afraid of you.”

                “Then why aren’t you asleep,” it challenged, “in your lover’s arms?” Looking over at Willow it added, “’Cause she can’t help you. Nor Spike, nor Faith, nor your friends, certainly not your wanna-slay brigade. None of those girlies will ever know real power unless you’re dead. You know the drill.” It shifted in shape to mirror Buffy. “Into every generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to… There’s that word again. What you are. How you’ll die. Alone… Where’s your snappy comeback?”

                “You’re right,” Buffy mumbled distractedly.

                “Hmm. Not your best.”

                “Frogs! Frogs! Frogs!” Willow shouted suddenly, jerking awake as The First vanished. “Weird dream,” the witch commented, looking over at Buffy. “Something wrong?”

                “No,” said Buffy quietly. Then, “Yeah. I just realized something,” she explained. “Something that never really occurred to me before… We’re gonna win.”

                They stared at each other for a moment as Willow sat up against the headboard.

                “Cool,” Willow announced. “That’s great. Can I have my snuggle bunny back now?” she requested, patting the bed next to her.

                “Reporting for duty,” said Buffy, giving a salute before climbing into bed. “So,” she prompted as she draped an arm over Willow’s shoulders, “frogs?”

                “I think you might’ve stirred some stuff up while you were in there,” Willow responded. “Old recurring nightmare. I try to tell them about the tadpoles, but they never listen.”

                “Sorry to stir,” Buffy told her. “I’ll hold you close until those mean frogs go away.”

                “Good,” Willow sighed warmly.

                “I love you, Will.”

                “I love you too.”

                “The First stopped by,” added the Slayer.

                “And it didn’t want to wake me up?” Willow questioned. “Oh, and here I thought we’d become such good friends.”

                “That’s just it though,” Buffy reasoned. “When it came to you earlier, other than trying to get you jealous of Angel, what did it say?”

                “When I thought it was you – it tried to tell me I wasn’t useful to you because I’m so – uncertain about the magic.”

                “And after you found out it was The First…?”

                “It told me you would ask for it – the magic… And, Buffy, you _can_ ask for it. It wanted me to be afraid of that – and I am – but you can ask.”

                “Will – I think you might be the key to everything.”

                “Not the most calming sentence I’ve ever heard,” said Willow flatly.

                “You’re stronger than the power,” Buffy told her. “I believe in you.”

                “Slightly better.”

                “Think about it though,” Buffy insisted. “It came to you earlier tonight, it tried to scare you when I asked you to heal Faith, it interrupted that locator spell you did – tried to say you were making it stronger, and the first time – when it was Cassie speaking for Tara…”

                “I get it, Buffy,” Willow assured her. “I worked that part out – it’s afraid of me… But I’m afraid of me too.”

                “I know you are,” said Buffy softly. “And it’s not stupid to be – but you _are_ stronger than it, Will. You can take that power and make it your own and The First knows it. You can hurt it…and I know how.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “What do you think?”

                Buffy addressed Willow, Giles, Xander, Dawn, Anya, and Faith. The other Slayer smiled thoughtfully, Willow twisted her hands in her lap, and the others stared incredulously at Buffy.

                “That depends,” Xander said after a moment. “Are you in any way – kidding?”

                “You don’t think it’s a good idea?” asked Buffy doubtfully.

                “It’s pretty radical, B,” Faith offered supportively.

                “It’s a lot more than that,” said Giles as he stood. “Buffy, what you said, it – it flies in the face of everything we’ve ever – every generation has ever done in the fight against evil.” He smiled broadly. “I think it’s bloody brilliant.”

                “You mean that?” Buffy inquired.

                “If you want my opinion,” the Watcher replied.

                “I really do,” she assured him.

                “Whoa, hey,” Willow interrupted. “Not to poop on the party here, but I’m the guy that’s gonna have to pull this thing off.”

                “It is beaucoup d’mojo,” Faith pointed out.

                “This goes beyond anything I’ve ever done,” Willow persisted. “It’s a total loss of control…”

                “I know you’re nervous, Will,” Buffy told her.

                “And I know you believe in me,” Willow returned.

                “We all believe in you, Willow,” said Giles reassuringly.

                “You know I do,” Xander agreed.

                “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you could do it,” Buffy pledged.

                “I-I’m not sure that I’m stable enough,” said Willow anxiously.

                “Outsider’s opinion,” said Buffy quietly, “I think you are. I get that you feel – big unstable feelings – really, I got a taste of that last night.”

                “You guys must play some freaky bedroom games,” Faith mused.

                “Ignoring that,” Buffy said shortly. “Willow,” she continued softly, taking the witch’s hand, “you know I believe in you. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

                “You can do this, Willow,” Giles supplemented. “We’ll get the coven on the line and we’ll find out how they can help.”

                “Oh!” said Dawn suddenly. “Bedroom games,” she explained.

                “Dawn needs to do a research thing,” said Buffy quickly.

                “Yes, you do,” Giles agreed.

                “It’s cool,” said Dawn, rolling her eyes as she stood. “Watcher junior to the library.”

                “I’ll go dig up my sources,” Giles continued quietly as he and Dawn left the room.

                “Come on,” Anya said to Xander as she started to leave as well, “let’s go assemble the cannon fodder.”

                “That’s not what we’re calling them, sweetie,” Xander told her as he followed her to the door.

                “Not to their faces,” Anya noted as they left. “What, am I insensitive?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “I hate this,” Buffy said to the entire group, assembled in and around the living room. “I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there’s evil – and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish, a whole lot of the time, I wish I hadn’t been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn’t been either… But this isn’t about wishes; this is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes, not when its army is ready, now. Tomorrow morning I’m opening the Seal. I’m going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all.

                “Right now you’re asking yourself, ‘What makes this different? What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one?’ It’s true – none of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here’s the part where you make a choice…”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “I really wish you hadn’t said that about me,” Willow told Buffy gently. Willow was sitting at the end of the bed, examining some paperwork as Buffy lay casually behind her, playing with the witch’s hair.

                “You know it’s true, Will,” Buffy asserted. “And I’ll be with you to keep you grounded.”

                “You will?”

                “Oh,” Buffy frowned slightly. “Not – I meant in the mushy metaphor way.”

                “Oh,” echoed Willow with a pout. “Someone should be there.”

                “Will, you’ll be okay,” insisted the Slayer.

                “I didn’t mean – well, yeah, I did… But I was also thinking to get the Scythe to you.”

                “I already asked Kennedy to do it,” said Buffy informatively. “It’s gotta be one of the girls and – I think I can trust her with it.”

                “Should I be jealous?” asked Willow with a small grin.

                “I’ve done the whole jealous-of-Kennedy thing,” Buffy pointed out. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

                “And – does she know she might have to, um, kill me?”

                “She won’t have to,” Buffy responded flatly.

                “Buffy, the – the darkest place I’ve ever been…this is what lies beyond that. This is too important for me to-”

                “I believe in you,” stated Buffy firmly.

                “Buffy, you’re sweet, but sometimes you’re not that bright.”

                “Really, Will,” Buffy continued. “You’re the dummy this time. I wanna tell you something. Do you remember – well, of course you do – when I was under Dracula’s thrall…”

                “Go on,” said Willow slowly, wondering where Buffy could possibly be going with this.

                “He told me something – and I think it applies to you too,” Buffy explained. “He said I didn’t resist because I didn’t want to. And he was right – I was curious. I wanted to taste the darkness, to understand it. My power has a dark source too. Dracula saw it – the Shadow Men showed me the same thing. But it doesn’t matter where the power comes from – what matters is what you make of it. And – after I satisfied my curiosity – when I wanted to resist – I was able to. And that’s the part that’s important here. It’s pretty deadlocked between you and the power. But what tips the scales is that you want to be in control. You want to resist. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen every part of who you are and I’m telling you that you can be truly amazing if you own your power.”

                Turning, Willow wrapped both arms around the Slayer as she leaned in for a kiss. It became clear in a matter of seconds what Willow had in mind as she traced her tongue along Buffy’s bottom lip.

                “Mm,” Buffy mumbled with a smile. “What about the studying?”

                “Screw it,” said Willow impatiently, pushing all of the papers away. “None of that will make me more prepared.”

                They started kissing again. Buffy pulled the witch closer and rolled her onto her back as their breathing escalated passionately. Grasping at Willow’s shirt with both hands, Buffy ripped it open forcefully.

                “Yes, please!” Willow encouraged as Buffy pulled the torn garment away and then went for the witch’s bra, mouth moving down to her neck.

                “I have a very important mission,” she informed her girlfriend coyly as she removed the bra too. “Gotta prepare my wicked witch for what’s to come, show her how wonderful she is.”

                “Oh God, it’s been too long,” panted Willow as Buffy licked at the hollow of her neck. The Slayer’s hands grasped each of Willow’s breasts, squeezing gently. Willow let out a vaguely frustrated moan and waved her hand. Buttons pinged against the walls as Buffy’s shirt ripped itself open. Reaching for the Slayer’s shoulders, Willow pushed the article of clothing off of her. After that she removed the bra, then wrapped both arms around Buffy’s strong back and held her close.

                “I’m beginning to suspect,” Buffy mumbled, softly kissing Willow’s neck, “that my wicked witch is horny.” Her right index finger pressed gently against Willow’s left nipple for a moment, before tracing circles around the areola.

                “Ohh, I love you, Buffy,” Willow groaned, arching into the Slayer’s touch. “God, I wanna feel you.”

                “I love you, Willow,” answered Buffy, kissing her way down the witch’s chest. “I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed you.”

                “Feels so good,” moaned Willow as Buffy’s kisses neared her breasts. “Ahh yes,” she added as Buffy’s tongue brushed against her right nipple. The Slayer’s left hand moved down Willow’s stomach and quickly unbuttoned her pants. “Please – yes,” Willow uttered disjointedly.

                “Mm,” the Slayer smiled against her lover’s skin. “Let’s get these out of the way,” she suggested, tugging at the pants with both hands. Willow lifted her hips obligingly and Buffy stripped away all of the witch’s remaining clothing. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” said Buffy, walking her fingers along the redhead’s thigh.

                “Remind me,” Willow sighed.

                “I love every part of you,” the Slayer vowed, leaning down to kiss Willow’s stomach. “Inside and out,” she said as she kissed, “you’re the most beautiful person I know.” Moving upward again, she took Willow’s right nipple in her mouth and gently nibbled. Willow whimpered appreciatively, grasping convulsively at Buffy’s shoulder blades. After a moment’s nibbling, Buffy kissed the nipple and then slowly began working her way down.

                “Ahh, Buffy,” Willow praised, one hand now stroking through long blonde hair. “Yes, yes,” she half-whispered as the Slayer’s kisses reached her right thigh. Buffy caressed the outside of Willow’s thigh with one hand as the other traced patterns on the redhead’s stomach. “Where – where you going?” Willow questioned as Buffy moved further down on her leg.

                “Taking a tour,” said Buffy happily, kissing Willow’s knee.

                “Can’t we just go to the beach?” asked Willow with a pout.

                “But there are so many sights to see,” Buffy countered as she kissed along her girlfriend’s calf. “Willowdonia is such a beautiful country. I wanna see everything.”

                “But the weather is perfect for a swim,” Willow argued. “The rest of that stuff isn’t so special.”

                “It’s all special,” said Buffy warmly. She kissed all five toes and then moved to the other foot. “Every,” kiss, “single,” kiss, “part,” kiss, “of you,” kiss, “is special,” kiss, “to me.”

                “That tickles,” Willow commented with a grin.

                “Besides,” the Slayer continued as she moved up the left leg now, “I think I remember,” she curled Willow’s leg up against her body, “this really – sweet – spot.”

                “I still think there’s lots of fun to be had on the beach,” Willow griped as Buffy began kissing the back of her thigh. “But – but,” she shuddered pleasurably, “that’s – nice too. Oh God, Buffy.”

                “It feels like so long since I’ve been to the beach,” said the Slayer, fingers stroking as her mouth moved away. “I hope I can remember the way. Hm, hm, hm.” Extending Willow’s leg, Buffy planted soft kisses all over the back of it, moving along toward the back of her knee.

                “You’re going the wrong way,” said Willow with a squirm.

                “You sure?”

                “Buffy,” Willow complained, fighting giggles as the Slayer repeatedly kissed behind her knee. “Please, Buffy,” she begged. “Please, please, please.”

                “So you think,” she kissed around to the side of the knee, “that the beach,” she kissed the kneecap, “is the other way?”

                “Please,” Willow groaned desperately, bringing her leg down to lie flat on the mattress again. “Oh, Buffy, please.”

                “If only I could remember the way,” the Slayer teased.

                “You’re getting warmer,” the witch announced cheerfully as Buffy started going up her thigh again.

                “I think you’re the one who’s getting warmer,” Buffy pointed out.

                “I’m on fire,” said Willow passionately.

                “I should probably leave your hair color out of my cheesy puns, huh?”

                “You better put me out before I get all burned up,” answered the redhead.

                “So I’m a fireman now?” Buffy inquired, kissing the top of Willow’s thigh where it met her stomach.

                “Yes,” Willow insisted. “And there’s a raging fire on the beach. Now go put it out.”

                “The beach,” said Buffy slowly. “Right. Now, where was that again?” She moved up.

                “Dooown,” Willow moaned. “Oh come on, Buffy.”

                “I wonder how big the fire will get if I don’t find it soon,” Buffy mused thoughtfully.

                “Please, I’m burning, Buffy,” pleaded the witch. “I need a big, strong fireman to rescue me.”

                “And you called little ol’ Buffy?”

                “You’re definitely the only one who can put out this fire.”

                “I’m on the job,” Buffy assured her.

                “No you’re not,” Willow whined as Buffy kissed various spots on her left breast. “You’re just making it worse.”

                “I like a challenge,” the Slayer mumbled. “I’ll let the fire get really big – until you think you can’t take another second-”

                “I can’t, Buffy. Please, I can’t take it. I need you. Oh God, Buffy,” she added as the blonde’s tongue circled her areola.

                “Until,” Buffy continued as she pulled her tongue back, “you feel like,” she kissed the nipple, “the fire will swallow you whole.”

                “Please.”

                “Until you can’t tell where the fire ends and you begin.” The Slayer’s tongue trailed sensuously up the middle of the witch’s chest, returning again to the hollow of her neck. “And then,” her left hand caressed Willow’s right thigh, “just when you think that the fire will take you,” she traced a finger slowly upward and inward, “I reach out,” her right hand found the witch’s left. “I take your hand and I hold you,” the fingers of Buffy’s left hand met soft red hair, “and everything’s okay,” she kissed Willow’s chin. “The fire rages as strong as ever,” a single finger traced along Willow’s labia, “but you know it’s okay.”

                “Because I’m with you,” Willow breathed, smiling as she looked deeply into her lover’s eyes.

                “No matter how strong the fire is,” Buffy kissed Willow’s lips once, “I’ll always come to you.”

                “Oh, Buffy,” said Willow softly.

                Their lips met again, parting instantaneously and allowing their tongues to join in luxurious strokes. Both women panted heavily as their lips smacked wetly against each other. Willow’s free right hand entrenched itself in Buffy’s hair, holding her firmly as they kissed. Gently, the Slayer’s left index finger continued to run up and down the length of Willow’s labia, occasionally stopping to tenderly press the witch’s clit and elicit a moan.

                “Oh, Buffy,” Willow repeated in a low groan as their lips separated. Her fingers ran slowly through the Slayer’s hair as Buffy followed Willow’s jaw line to her right earlobe with a chain of soft kisses. “Oh, oh, oh,” whimpered the witch as Buffy’s finger brushed back and forth across her clit several times in succession before returning to her tantalizing strokes.

                “I love you, Willow,” the Slayer half-whispered as she leaned in to tease Willow’s earlobe with her tongue.

                “I looove you too,” Willow responded, inhaling sharply as Buffy’s finger slipped between her folds. “Oh yes, just like that,” she encouraged. Buffy nibbled softly at Willow’s earlobe and used her thumb to gently caress the area above Willow’s clit. “Oh God, Buffy,” panted Willow as the Slayer moved yet again to her neck. “Love you, love you, love you.” Buffy planted rapid kisses past Willow’s shoulders and down her chest. As the blonde reached her stomach, Willow’s fingers left Buffy’s hair. Bringing their linked hands to the center of her chest, Willow grasped Buffy’s hand with both of her own, gently stroking the back of it.

                “Found the beach,” Buffy announced, greeting Willow’s clit with a series of short licks and kisses.

                “Ohhh fuck yes,” exclaimed the witch, arching contentedly. Her groans quickly dissolved into a string of less coherent syllables as Buffy continued to lick eagerly. Writhing and squirming as the treatment continued, Willow gripped the Slayer’s hand more tightly and Buffy returned the gesture. “Oh – Buffy – God!” Willow moaned as Buffy’s tongue slowed. Wrapping her lips around the clit, Buffy gently sucked the straining nub and caused Willow’s tone to raise an octave.

                “Buffyyyy!” she praised, every muscle tensing in anticipation as the Slayer returned to licking at a moderate pace. “God – love – Buffy – fuck!” Buffy’s finger curled, very tenderly pressing against the upper walls of Willow’s flesh and earning a yelp in return. “Close,” Willow gasped. “Oh, Buffy, so close!” Buffy repeated her finger motion once more before withdrawing and placing her hand flat on Willow’s stomach to steady the witch as her hips bucked longingly. The Slayer’s tongue flicked rapidly up and down and she felt her girlfriend tense a second time.

                “YES!” Willow screamed in ecstasy. “Ohhh yes!” Her body shuddered and she convulsively gripped Buffy’s hand as each of her muscles rippled in tandem with the waves of pleasure rushing through her body. Buffy could feel Willow’s chest rising and falling beneath her right hand, abdominal muscles rolling beneath her left. Slowly, as Willow’s breathing began to calm, Buffy moved upward with a trail of delicately soft kisses.

                “I love you, Buffy,” said Willow breathily, tugging at the Slayer’s hand, wanting to be closer to her lover.

                “I love you too,” Buffy replied with deep warmth as she shifted. Willow finally released her hand, allowing the blonde to lie next to her. Buffy’s arm draped across the witch’s stomach as Willow wrapped an arm around Buffy’s shoulder.

                “That – was spectacular,” Willow sighed, still working to catch her breath.

                “Anticipation worked out, then?” asked the Slayer, kissing Willow’s shoulder affectionately.

                “Very well,” Willow conceded.

                “Feeling wonderful?”

                “Incredible,” the witch answered. “Thank you, Buffy.”

                “Here endeth the lesson,” announced the Slayer with a smile, laying her head on Willow’s shoulder.

                “Endeth?” Willow questioned. “But – don’t you want to…?”

                “Of course I do,” said Buffy quickly. “I just meant the part about how you’re wonderful. I mean, if you want, you can definitely-”

                “I want,” Willow assured her immediately, leaning in to kiss her girlfriend. “I would’ve been really disappointed if you didn’t want it too.”

                “Believe me, I never intended anything different,” said the Slayer fervently.

                “Glad we straightened that out,” Willow replied with a pretentious nod. “’Cause I’ve got some lessons to teach you too.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “Smackdown on Red Riding Hood,” Xander proclaimed. “This could get ugly.”

                “Could it possibly get uglier?” Giles questioned, surveying the game board distastefully. “I used to be a highly respected Watcher and now I’m a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily. I just wish I could sleep.”

                “What kind of person could sleep on a night like this?” asked Amanda dubiously.

                “Only the crazy ones,” Xander said softly, reaching out to ruffle Anya’s hair as she slept with her head on the table.

                “Guess that makes me sane for once,” said Faith casually as she strode into the room.

                “Color my world-view skewed,” the carpenter decided.

                “Faith, what brings you downstairs?” asked Giles politely.

                “All the screwing,” said Faith with a shrug. “Apparently wicked witch gives it as good as she gets.”

                “Hardly seems appropriate to call Willow wicked,” Giles reasoned. “Especially on the eve of-”

                “Hey, B’s the one screamin’ it,” Faith defended. “All the groaning seemed to get the wannabes riled up, so I just cleared out. What’s the scene down here?”

                “Dungeons and Dragons,” Andrew offered informatively. “So if you could, um, let us get back to that.”

                “I second that motion,” said Giles readily. “I don’t think we need the intimate details of – anything.”

                “Play proper all you want, G-man,” Faith dismissed. “I bet you’re a wild one in the sack.”

                “Oh, dear Lord,” mumbled Giles, taking off his glasses to clean them so he didn’t have to meet anyone’s eye.

                “Can we get back to the game?” Andrew asked impatiently.

                “So, what about you Faith?” Xander inquired.

                “What about me, what?” the Slayer challenged defensively.

                “Why aren’t you out molesting the first person who crosses your path?”

                “Whoa,” said Faith with a chuckle. “Carpenter’s got an axe to grind.”

                “Please,” Xander dismissed. “Hatchet long since buried. Just seems out of character that everyone else is on the dance floor and you’re in the corner with all the geeks.”

                “Hey,” Amanda complained.

                “Not so sweet on the pre-battle action,” Faith addressed Xander’s question. “Or the repeats,” she added as an afterthought. “You should know.”

                “Oh for the love of God,” Giles interrupted, “can we please just get back to the game?”

                “Seconded,” Amanda agreed readily.

                “Thirded,” said Andrew.

                “So…” Faith prompted. “How’s it work? Can I join in?”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                “The sun’s coming up,” Buffy noted, stroking Willow’s hair and staring out the window.

                “Stupid sun,” Willow complained, not raising her head from Buffy’s chest. “Tell it to come back later.”

                “It never listens to me,” said Buffy sadly.

                “So, when do you want to…get ready?”

                “Never,” Buffy answered bluntly. “Maybe a couple of days after never. I don’t want to leave this bed.”

                “Fine,” Willow allowed, “but when will we?”

                “Well,” Buffy sighed, “we could wait until someone comes to get us.”

                “I don’t think they’re really excited to go either,” Willow pointed out.

                “I’m tired of being the responsible one,” said the Slayer with a pout.

                “Well…I mean, after today you might not have to be. Either I succeed or I go bad and destroy the world. Either one sort of lets you off the hook.”

                “You’re not gonna go bad,” said Buffy flatly.

                “You might be right. But still, if I pull this off… I know you wouldn’t want to quit forever, but you could – you know, take breaks and stuff.”

                “Really, Willow,” Buffy persisted. “You can do this.”

                “I think you’re probably right about that…but I’m still nervous.”

                “You won’t be alone,” the Slayer vowed.

                “Neither will you.”

                There was a weighted pause as Buffy pondered Willow’s words.

                “Are you sure you want to do this?” Willow questioned.

                “What?”

                “Are you sure?” repeated the witch. “I mean, you always talk about – are you sure you want to do this to them?”

                “This has already been done to them,” Buffy answered. “Before you and I ever came onto the scene, they got roped into a destiny. The First has been picking them off for – God knows how long. And all because of the Shadow Men and their stupid rules. All we can do is help them make the best of it. And that’s what we’re doing.”

                “I agree with you,” Willow assured her. “I do believe we’re doing the right thing.”

                “It’s not about that,” Buffy contradicted. “Whether it’s right or wrong is something the Shadow Men can worry about. It’s not about right. It’s not about wrong. It’s about power.”

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                “They should be in place.”

                Willow sat cross-legged in front of the Scythe, supplies spread out in front of her.

                “Now, if I go to the bad place, you’ve gotta bring me back,” she instructed. “Buffy thinks I can take this hammer by the handle and I hope she’s right, but you need to be ready. You see dark hair, you need to calm me down; that’s your job. And if I start causing trouble, then I need to be stopped – by any means necessary. Love stopped me before, so you’ve got to remind me of that. Remind me that Buffy’s with me. If all else fails – go for the heart.”

                Mr. Gordo stared back at her blankly.

                Kennedy chuckled, sitting across from Willow, behind the stuffed pig.

                “Come on, Red,” the potential Slayer mumbled as Willow reached for the Scythe. “Make it happen.”

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                _I say my power…_

                Kennedy smiled confidently.

                _…should be our power._

                The Scythe glowed brightly beneath Willow’s hands.

                _Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny_.

                Vi, Rona, Amanda, and all of the potentials inhaled sharply as the dormant power in their bodies was unleashed from its captivity.

                _From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer…_

                Willow felt them rising all over the world.

                _…will be a Slayer._

                Buffy could sense it in the girls around her.

                _Every girl who could have the power…_

                She wasn’t alone anymore.

                _…will have the power._

                The Turok-Han army rushed.

                _Can stand up…_

                The women watched the charge, standing confidently.

                _…will stand up._

                The mouth of hell stretched wide.

                _Slayers…every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?_

                “These guys are dust,” Vi proclaimed with a grin.

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                “Willow?” Kennedy stared in awe.

                Willow glowed like the Scythe, hair shining a golden white color, eyes alive with light, the pure essence of power radiating from her entire being.

                “You…are a goddess,” Kennedy announced as the glow faded.

                “And you’re a Slayer,” Willow panted, holding out the Scythe. “Get this to Buffy.”

                Taking the weapon, Kennedy stood and hurried purposefully from the room.

                Willow fell to her side, one hand landing on Mr. Gordo.

                “That was nifty,” she told the pig with a smile.

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                “Oh bollocks!”

                A beam of bright blue light burst from the amulet around Spike’s neck.

                Willow sprang to her feet as the light burst through the floor of Principal Wood’s office and turned a warm, orange color.

                “Buffy!” Spike shouted, standing still in the light.

                “Spike!” Buffy called out to him. Before she could move, the amulet sent the light throughout the cavernous battleground, dusting the remainder of the Turok-Han army. The ground began to rumble angrily beneath them.

                “Everybody out now!” Faith yelled the order to the Slayers and they began rushing for the stairs that led back up to the Seal.

                Buffy approached Spike.

                “I can feel it, Buffy,” he said, a look of amazement on his face.

                “What?” asked Buffy, desperate to understand what was happening.

                “My soul,” he told her softly. “It’s really there. Kind of stings.”

                “Spike.” The Slayer’s eyes widened as she realized how it would end.

                “Go on, then,” instructed the vampire.

                “No,” Buffy protested. “No, you’ve done enough. This isn’t – it’s not fair to you. Not over me.”

                “It’s not about you.”

                “You could still-”

                “No, you’ve beaten them back,” he argued. “It’s for me to do the cleanup.”

                “Buffy, come on!” Faith bellowed from the stairs.

                “Gotta move, lamb,” said Spike gently. “I think it’s fair to say school’s out for bloody summer.”

                “Spike!” contested Buffy.

                “I mean it!” he insisted. “I’ve gotta do this!”

                Buffy put her hand into the light and grasped his. Both hands caught fire, but neither of them flinched. She looked into Spike’s eyes, aching with remorse and pity.

                “I love you,” she offered. It wasn’t untrue, and she knew he would like to hear it.

                “I know you do,” Spike replied. “Thanks for saying it.” Another tremor rocked the ground and Buffy pulled her hand back. “Now go!” Spike persisted. “I wanna see how it ends,” he added as she hurried for the stairs.

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                Buffy ran through the crumbling halls of the high school. Turning a corner, she saw a flash of red hair ahead of her.

                “WILL!” she cried out in simultaneous frustration and joy.

                “Buffy!” Willow exclaimed in relief as the Slayer reached her.

                “We have to keep moving,” said Buffy urgently.

                “It’s blocked,” Willow noted.

                “Upstairs,” Buffy said quickly. “I can carry you.”

                “No.”

                “What?” Buffy froze in place. Not Willow too…

                “This time I’ll carry you.”

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                “Look at me!” Vi shouted, shaking Rona forcefully. “This is nothing! Stay awake! This is nothing!”

                “There’s my girl,” Kennedy mumbled from the seat behind them.

                “Why didn’t I die?” Andrew asked blankly from across the aisle, staring forward with a mystified expression.

                Dawn stared anxiously out the back window of the bus, searching for some sign that Buffy and Willow had survived. As she desperately suppressed the urge to lose hope, something stirred in her peripheral vision. Looking up at the sky, she saw a strange and wonderful vision.

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                “Since when do you fly?” Buffy yelled over the roar of wind in her ears.

                Both of Buffy’s arms were wrapped tightly around Willow’s upper body. Willow held the scythe in one hand and Mr. Gordo in the other, arms hanging freely at her sides. The pair glided through the air, following the speeding yellow bus as Sunnydale crumbled beneath them.

                “Pretty much now,” Willow shouted back. Buffy whimpered nervously. “Trust me,” Willow said reassuringly. The Slayer locked her legs around Willow’s waist as they soared ever-further from the destruction. “Come on, Buffy,” Willow persisted, “we’re flying.”

                “You’re flying, I’m dangling,” Buffy pointed out. She screamed when Willow decided to perform a loop-the-loop and began a dive toward the bus. “Not better!” the Slayer shrieked. “Less better!”

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                “Ease off,” Faith instructed. “We’re clear.”

                Willow landed gracefully next to the bus as the rest of the group exited to survey the wreckage. Buffy clambered from Willow’s back, legs feeling unsteady, but grateful to be back on solid ground. Dawn opened the emergency exit door at the back of the bus and ran forward to give Buffy a hug.

                “I don’t understand,” said Giles as he walked forward, staring at the crater that was Sunnydale. “What did this?” He looked questioningly at Willow.

                “Spike,” Buffy supplied. Willow placed a comforting hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder.

                “Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business,” Faith observed as she walked up behind them.

                “There is another one in Cleveland,” Giles pointed out. “Not to spoil the moment.”

                “We saved the world,” Xander noted, joining the group.

                “We changed the world,” said Willow thoughtfully. “I can feel them, Buffy,” she continued, rubbing the Slayer’s shoulder in a show of affection. “All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.”

                “We’ll have to find them,” Dawn reasoned.

                “We will,” the witch replied.

                “Yes,” Giles agreed, pacing behind them, “because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there’s no hope of going there tomorrow.”

                “We destroyed the mall?” questioned Dawn. “I fought on the wrong side.”

                “All those shops gone,” said Xander, nodding sadly. “The Gap, Starbucks, Toys ‘R’ Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world about them?”

                “We have a lot of work ahead of us,” said Giles somberly.

                “Can I push him in?” Faith demanded.

                “You’ve got my vote,” said Willow, smiling slightly.

                “I just wanna sleep, yo, for like a week,” Faith argued.

                “I guess we all could, if we wanted to,” said Dawn levelly.

                “Yeah,” agreed Willow, smile broadening. “The First is scrunched, so – what do you think we should do, Buffy?”

                “Yeah, you’re not the one and only chosen anymore,” Faith reminded her. “Just gotta live like a person. How’s that feel?”

                “Yeah, Buffy,” Dawn added, “what are we gonna do now?”

                Buffy smiled bravely, turning and grasping both of Willow’s hands as their eyes met.

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 **:::END:::**

 **Buffy** : Do we really need reviews for this?

 **Me** : I just like them. They make me feel all manly.


End file.
